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post #106 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 06:23 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

The reason she's calling you is because she doesn't know what's going on. Her relationship is still going on. She doesn't want you not to do it to 'protect you' is literally one of the top five excuses in the book.

EXPOSURE IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOU OUT OF INFIDELITY RIGHT NOW. TALK AND TALKING WITH THE LAWYER ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD HE DOING AND THOSE NEED TO BE DONE WITH A LASER FOCUS.

She knows exposure will destroy the affair. If you need help getting the name there are plenty of detectives here who can help you get the information (near instanteous)


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post #107 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 06:41 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
ATM I'm honestly not sure if I should play a detective as I'm dying to know yet at the same time doubt will I actually gain anything by going down that path. I know she has cheated, isn't this enough?
H,

Fair enough... but

Regardless of whether R or D is in your future, at some point you may want to know the full extent of her betrayal... the Truth. From experience, I can tell you that while the Truth will not fade with time, the opportunity to obtain it in regard to affairs has a finite shelf life.

Unlike Discovery Day (DD) where you have the choice to control the situation, Exposure Day (ED) the clock start ticking. Stories are exchanged, tracks are covered. As the days pass to months, what you know was crystal clear becomes blurred with the onslaught of half-truths, minimalizing, and the "moving on" mentality.

In all honesty, the BS will never obtain "The Whole Truth", there's always more, but... better to march into the Future with as much clarity as possible then blinded by the lies of betrayal.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 02-29-2016 at 07:16 AM.
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post #108 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 07:33 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

The only reason I'd advise a VAR at this point would be to protect yourself against any claims of domestic abuse or violence.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #109 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 07:54 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Good Evenning H,

You mentioned you were working on exposure. How are you doing ith that. I know how had it is to tell family (especially parents) and friends about what is occurring, it is a big first step, but once taking I found measure of acceptance. In many ways you are in a deep sihock. Your post about sitting at home unable to even get out of a char, we all been there - big time. Part of what I experienced before expsoure was a dreading what people close to me would think of me. Part of you feels as though they will confirm you are a failure and if you where more of a man/woman this would have never happened.

What I learned and you need to realize is that her adultery defines her - not you. How you handie it going forward defines you. Judge yourself on your actions now, tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. That is how you reclaim your self-esteem.
Don't give in to despair and inaction rather be the guy who rolls up his sleeve and says let's get it done.

Work on using the 180, but always be polite and diplomatic. Keep all responses, except for finacial and custody issues, neutral and vague. Expressions like "I am not sure how I feel about that right now" or I'm sorry you feel that way but getting though this s a process" and "of course I am upset, and in pain, but that is not point. We need to stay focused and get though this.".
Finally keep answers very short.
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post #110 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 04:36 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Of course she claims this is to protect me from legal troubles but I'm finding this hard to believe.

She must really care about you. Inform at his work and find more about his family life and expose him.
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post #111 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Thank you all for the responses and what I consider to be a helping hand in a difficult situation. It feels like I'm still in a shock of my life, so IThank you all for the responses and what I consider as a helping hand in a difficult situation. It feels like I'm still in a shock of my life, so I appreciate your thoughts - if I'm not able to move forward as fast as you seem to be suggesting the reason for that are my own limits not that I ignore the advice. It is also difficult to answer each post individually so once again I'll provide a summary, while each and any of you has my gratitude.

It does not seem I'll be reconciling and that is what I mean by "option is taken from me". Not the decision but the option. If anything I have learned so far, reconciliation is impossible or futile if she's not into it and she is not. Period. That is why I'm not - currently at least - going to go hard-core on snooping (VARs and PIs) but I reserve the right to use the info when it comes to me (like I still run all comms and networks at home). Had enough fun listening to that F***t on the voicemail. I will also keep a journal as suggested - for my own benefit and sanity. She's already claimed/quoted some things I have never said or did.
Will also consider the VAR on me if things get hostile.

I'm effectively doing what you call a 180 - limited comms, short and polite, etc. I do not tend to engage her and I guess it is clearly visible that if I have a choice my preference is not to engage. I must same it comes naturally - that is what it feels like ATM, not because I'm so super decisive and resolute. It is just what I prefer for now. I must say that this is bothering her. Not in a "what have I done" way which I was expecting immediately after the discovery. She is definitely in what you are calling "fog" planning the "next phase of her life" - with the sales guy no doubts, and she was definitely all pumped up for me begging her and "I'm sorry for your pain but that's life, I can't command my heart, you won't be so cruel to confine me to the previous life no matter how good was that for us, you are a good man and you will be happy, let's move on and look after [Son]" drama. Quote. So that disengagement is a small deviation from her view of how all of this should be developing.

I'm trying to get a contact for his wife/partner. I don't see any point of at work exposure given what I know about his work. I'll tell my parents and close relatives/friends towards the end of the week when I am finished with finances and other things that would allow me to start the legal separation (special thanks to my Ozzy mates here). I'm sure her parents already know (she's really close with her mother) and got her version of events. I'll still give them my version but don't expect much out of it. appreciate your thoughts - if I'm not able to move forward as fast as you seem to be suggesting the reason for that are my own limits not that I ignore the advice. It is also difficult to answer each post individually so once again I'll provide a summary, while each and any of you has my gratitude.

It does not seem I'll be reconciling and that is what I mean by "option is taken from me". Not the decision but the option. If anything I have learned so far, reconciliation is impossible or futile if she's not into it and she is not. Period. That is why I'm not - currently at least - going to go hard-core on snooping (VARs and PIs) but I reserve the right to use the info when it comes to me (like I still run all comms and networks at home). Had enough fun listening to that F***t on the voicemail. I will also keep a journal as suggested - for my own benefit and sanity. She's already claimed/quoted some things I have never said or did.
Will also consider the VAR on me if things get hostile.

I'm effectively doing what you call a 180 - limited comms, short and polite, etc. I do not tend to engage her and I guess it is clearly visible that if I have a choice my preference is not to engage. I must same it comes naturally - that is what it feels like ATM, not because I'm so super decisive and resolute. It is just what I prefer for now. I must say that this is bothering her. Not in a "what have I done" way which I was expecting immediately after the discovery. She is definitely in what you are calling "fog" planning the "next phase of her life" - with the sales guy no doubts, and she was definitely all pumped up for me begging her and "I'm sorry for your pain but that's life, I can't command my heart, you won't be so cruel to confine me to the previous life no matter how good was that for us, you are a good man and you will be happy, let's move on and look after [Son]" drama. Quote. So that disengagement is a small deviation from her view of how all of this should be developing.

I'm trying to get a contact for his wife/partner. I don't see any point of at work exposure given what I know about his work. I'll tell my parents and close relatives/friends towards the end of the week when I am finished with finances and other things that would allow me to start the legal separation (special thanks to my Ozzy mates here). I'm sure her parents already know (she's really close with her mother) and got her version of events. I'll still give them my version but don't expect much out of it.
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post #112 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 05:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by sparrow555 View Post
She must really care about you.
I assume there was sarcasm involved.
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post #113 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 10:45 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Thank you all for the responses and what I consider to be a helping hand in a difficult situation. It feels like I'm still in a shock of my life, so IThank you all for the responses and what I consider as a helping hand in a difficult situation. It feels like I'm still in a shock of my life, so I appreciate your thoughts - if I'm not able to move forward as fast as you seem to be suggesting the reason for that are my own limits not that I ignore the advice. It is also difficult to answer each post individually so once again I'll provide a summary, while each and any of you has my gratitude.

It does not seem I'll be reconciling and that is what I mean by "option is taken from me". Not the decision but the option. If anything I have learned so far, reconciliation is impossible or futile if she's not into it and she is not. Period. That is why I'm not - currently at least - going to go hard-core on snooping (VARs and PIs) but I reserve the right to use the info when it comes to me (like I still run all comms and networks at home). Had enough fun listening to that F***t on the voicemail. I will also keep a journal as suggested - for my own benefit and sanity. She's already claimed/quoted some things I have never said or did.
Will also consider the VAR on me if things get hostile.

I'm effectively doing what you call a 180 - limited comms, short and polite, etc. I do not tend to engage her and I guess it is clearly visible that if I have a choice my preference is not to engage. I must same it comes naturally - that is what it feels like ATM, not because I'm so super decisive and resolute. It is just what I prefer for now. I must say that this is bothering her. Not in a "what have I done" way which I was expecting immediately after the discovery. She is definitely in what you are calling "fog" planning the "next phase of her life" - with the sales guy no doubts, and she was definitely all pumped up for me begging her and "I'm sorry for your pain but that's life, I can't command my heart, you won't be so cruel to confine me to the previous life no matter how good was that for us, you are a good man and you will be happy, let's move on and look after [Son]" drama. Quote. So that disengagement is a small deviation from her view of how all of this should be developing.

I'm trying to get a contact for his wife/partner. I don't see any point of at work exposure given what I know about his work. I'll tell my parents and close relatives/friends towards the end of the week when I am finished with finances and other things that would allow me to start the legal separation (special thanks to my Ozzy mates here). I'm sure her parents already know (she's really close with her mother) and got her version of events. I'll still give them my version but don't expect much out of it. appreciate your thoughts - if I'm not able to move forward as fast as you seem to be suggesting the reason for that are my own limits not that I ignore the advice. It is also difficult to answer each post individually so once again I'll provide a summary, while each and any of you has my gratitude.

It does not seem I'll be reconciling and that is what I mean by "option is taken from me". Not the decision but the option. If anything I have learned so far, reconciliation is impossible or futile if she's not into it and she is not. Period. That is why I'm not - currently at least - going to go hard-core on snooping (VARs and PIs) but I reserve the right to use the info when it comes to me (like I still run all comms and networks at home). Had enough fun listening to that F***t on the voicemail. I will also keep a journal as suggested - for my own benefit and sanity. She's already claimed/quoted some things I have never said or did.
Will also consider the VAR on me if things get hostile.

I'm effectively doing what you call a 180 - limited comms, short and polite, etc. I do not tend to engage her and I guess it is clearly visible that if I have a choice my preference is not to engage. I must same it comes naturally - that is what it feels like ATM, not because I'm so super decisive and resolute. It is just what I prefer for now. I must say that this is bothering her. Not in a "what have I done" way which I was expecting immediately after the discovery. She is definitely in what you are calling "fog" planning the "next phase of her life" - with the sales guy no doubts, and she was definitely all pumped up for me begging her and "I'm sorry for your pain but that's life, I can't command my heart, you won't be so cruel to confine me to the previous life no matter how good was that for us, you are a good man and you will be happy, let's move on and look after [Son]" drama. Quote. So that disengagement is a small deviation from her view of how all of this should be developing.

I'm trying to get a contact for his wife/partner. I don't see any point of at work exposure given what I know about his work. I'll tell my parents and close relatives/friends towards the end of the week when I am finished with finances and other things that would allow me to start the legal separation (special thanks to my Ozzy mates here). I'm sure her parents already know (she's really close with her mother) and got her version of events. I'll still give them my version but don't expect much out of it.
I understand your mental state, so don't take this personnal.

Your brain is now confused and producing illusional crap talk.

Follow the short and clear advice of the experienced posters above. Expose and Prepare Divorce. Protect. That is all, they think for you, trust them.
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post #114 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by See_Listen_Love View Post
I understand your mental state, so don't take this personnal.

Your brain is now confused and producing illusional crap talk.

Follow the short and clear advice of the experienced posters above. Expose and Prepare Divorce. Protect. That is all, they think for you, trust them.
I realized that. I thought that I've prepared myself for anything life is throwing at me but - being a naive fool - not for this. Kind of believed in "lived happily everafter".

So yeah, can't fully trust by brain ATM and yes I do follow.
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post #115 of 1809 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 11:45 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

It doesn't look like it now but it will get better. The ones who come out best in these situations are the ones who get strong and take control of their life.

She is a cheater. Remember that. You can't fix or control her but you can yourself.

Lay out a plan of what you want and follow it. Take some time by yourself and think through this.

There are great women out there who don't act like this.

Contact with her now will just set you back. Unless you want reconciliation and from what you've posted she's not a candidate. It takes two.

Good luck and keep us informed.

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post #116 of 1809 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 01:21 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Actually I think you are moving quickly. You have been posting here for under a week and all ready you accept the need establish finacial separation, spoken to a lawyer, read and using the 180, and are working on exposing. You have picked up on and rejected her rewriting history and started a journal.

Seriously the hardest thing for indiviual a BS is to take the steps to protect them self’s going forward.

At this point just review the past posts on your thread and keep going. Keep posting here to vent and to layout your plans for suggestions on how to refine them. Be sure to keep in touch with your fellow Ozzie mates for insights unique to where you live.
Finally read other threads for insights that will help you and pitfalls.

Three questions: when will your son be back? What is his age range ? How do you want custody to work out. (note I did not say what you think what will happen.) If you could stay in the house with primary custody would be best.
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post #117 of 1809 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 01:29 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

On other do not stop moving forward with the divorce for anything. This includes an offer of reconciliation, death or tragedy in her family, or a major health issue that may cone up with her. Your county requires a one year waiting period so get every set and agreed on and then during the waiting period let things play out.

On the Var issue you should get a pen Var to record conversations with her.
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post #118 of 1809 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 07:01 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

If you think you could reconcile, her current state of mind is decieving. Its one thing to be fogged by a secret affair. Everyone KNOWING you're in an affair isca a whole new ball game. That's why you find out the Posom's wife info. Then all at once, her friends, her's and your parents, the posoms contacts(is he on facebook), even your kids in an age appropriate manner are told of the affair.

Usually, this kills the affair. If it does, she will be easier, after she explodes, to deal with divorce or reconcilliation.

The biggest regret we see her is guys that find excuses to avoid exposure in the very beginning. .jAs a matter of fact, everything else is pretty much pure weakness.
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post #119 of 1809 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 08:47 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Perhaps not so much weakness but the BS version of the fog. Hantel (like myself and countless others) is in disbelief and shock. Almost a panic to try save the marriage like a doctor refusing to stop CPR long after the patient is dead.

Although Hantel is emotionally frozen by recent events, he is still taking pratical steps to move forward. Usually when i see posters pushing forward like him it is with a "oh hell no" attitude. So good on hm.

His wife is in for a shook when the son arrives home. In her mind right now see is seeing men as a pug and play situation. In essence she is trading in the old model for a new one. That fanasty goes out the window the second the son has to interact with his father and OM. Suddenly things will not be so simple, hence my last post to get the divorce done before even discussing reconciliation.

The other thing I noticed about Hantel is he not wasting time and getting frozen on how it happened. How is not important until after the paperwork is done. Again for him.
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post #120 of 1809 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 05:19 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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I assume there was sarcasm involved.
Yes..

And don't text her back or detail her all your plans.

Do work on exposing her and him to relevant parties(in an appropriate manner. You can do it with dignity and get the point across)


You will have a lot of options once the exposure happens with regards to divorce.
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