I don't know what would be the right title - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #121 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

I'm on my way to get STD check. That sucks FML. So I'm definitely not moving fast enough. Actually I'm dragging my feet and subconsciously use any excuse to not GTFO (which would be the right choice). She is a step or two ahead - e.g. no calls or messages today. Perhaps seeing this *****ck. Hope after a dozen of what you call 2x4s like this STD test I'll wake up. Still miss her.

Son is in his teens (high school) and is back Saturday week. I want to get primary custody so he can maintain his lifestyle and accomplishments and for him to have a say on the matter. I hope he knows I'm not going to deny his access to [wife] I just want him to decide where he wants to be.



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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Perhaps not so much weakness but the BS version of the fog. Hantel (like myself and countless others) is in disbelief and shock. Almost a panic to try save the marriage like a doctor refusing to stop CPR long after the patient is dead.

Although Hantel is emotionally frozen by recent events, he is still taking pratical steps to move forward. Usually when i see posters pushing forward like him it is with a "oh hell no" attitude. So good on hm.

His wife is in for a shook when the son arrives home. In her mind right now see is seeing men as a pug and play situation. In essence she is trading in the old model for a new one. That fanasty goes out the window the second the son has to interact with his father and OM. Suddenly things will not be so simple, hence my last post to get the divorce done before even discussing reconciliation.

The other thing I noticed about Hantel is he not wasting time and getting frozen on how it happened. How is not important until after the paperwork is done. Again for him.


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post #122 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 08:58 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

"I imagine you are seeing contempt in her eyes."

Undoubtedly true for almost all WS's.....otherwise how could they do something so horrible to someone they once loved and made vows to.

Best response is to return the favor with a vengeance....total contempt in voice and demeanor.....as you hand them D papers.

I still believe that nearly all cheaters are convinced they are SO SPECIAL and such a catch that, of course, both POS AP and their BS will fight over the right to keep them.

Shattering this illusion with immediate D filing and utter contempt and rejection is something very few of them like or react well to....rejection hurts, even when its coming from the person they just betrayed.

In fact, I think H himself alluded to facts that demonstrate this might well be the case.

He said his WW did not seem to like his 180 at all....like she was expecting him to beg and plead for the M.

The fact he cut her off and is moving to D so fast seems to have stung her somewhat.

And if H can expose to POSOM's BW and send that ****roach scurrying for cover trying to save his own life and M, then H's WW is going to have an ugly dose of reality.....

Rejected and being divorced by her BH, while simultaneously being dumped by her scumbag OM as he tries to save his own a**.

Hope she likes being alone, and dealing with the anger and contempt of her son as well probably when he discovers what she has done to his father.

H.....expose her A to OMW and all friends/family ASAP.

Blow up Fantasyland!
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post #123 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Again you are moving quickly. Read other threads, in some cases BS will wait months living in limbo before they even think about taking to a lawyer. They move out of the house hoping their spouse will miss them. Your moving forward. Yes their is much yet to do. Yes you are frozen emotionally, yes you struggle with your sense of self worth, yes a part of you thinks you are to plan. But you are taking steps and laying a foundation and know you want the house and custody. So good on you.

How are you doing with exposing the adultery? Have you shared what has occurred with anyone?

Oh as to posm. Don't let people tell you to let him skate. I copied this from another site:


Who is the other person*

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

*posm are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so tey choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

Understand they choose to be the one. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person

So he owes, but collect the debt at a time and place of your choosing.
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post #124 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 04:53 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
I realized that. I thought that I've prepared myself for anything life is throwing at me but - being a naive fool - not for this. Kind of believed in "lived happily everafter".



So yeah, can't fully trust by brain ATM and yes I do follow.

Then let us help you. Expose first (obviously don't signal that you're doing this) and consult with a lawyer. Don't make excuses for putting it off, do it today. I promise you that these two actions will help you more talk an anything else in the entire process. And both can be done in the time that it took to write your last long post.

Eyes forward. You'll get through this. But you have to keep moving. Wallowing in indecision will KILL you.

----
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post #125 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

How are you my friend ? Take care of your health,you have a lot of happy years in front of you.
This is not the end of the world. In some way you should feel happy that you are getting rid of this woman. She clearly lost all love and respect for you and she even continued her Affair. That was a clear message for you,sorry.

Your son is old enough to know the truth. You really need to tell him about this.

Also tell your family and close friends. Belive me it is going to be a lot worse. She will start telling bad stories about you,maybe even call you abusive husband/father. She already done it with her own mother.

Stay strong my friend.
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post #126 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 05:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Thank you very much for commenting. I'm not sure if I follow all the advices (probably not) but at the very least your posts give me some logical anchor to believe that one way or another it will be over - eventually.

Probably it will be "over" rather sooner than later. Had a rough night yesterday. Noticed another couple of calls to that now very well memorised number. Time to put a stop to this nonsense and had a chat with her. The summary of that is that she will stay until our son gets back than will move in with her parents. So the separation will start from that point onwards. After that - as an interim arrangement - she will be coming here after work to spend time with the son then driving to her parents' place. She will have him spending some weekends with her over there. The only "shared property" she takes with her for now is her car that I'm paying for, phone, laptop, tablet, etc. I'm OK with that.

So she basically gave up on our marriage and moving on. Still playing it like it is me who is pushing for the separation (like her sleeping with the SOB and professing a "deepest connection with the man on all levels she ever felt in her life" - yes I got hold of one of the messages - leaves me with any other choice) and she is the victim. Yes she does not want to lift a finger to fight for the marriage and "know she's burned her bridges and have no other choice but to move on". The value of this site for me - apart of a place to vent of course - is that I think I know what genuine remorse should look like and at the moment I rate her in that department approximately at the level of a used car salesman.

I also conclude that she's told her parents (mother at least) - so I'll have to expose in order to at least present my side of the story this weekend. Not that I expect much but humiliation from all these looks but at least Iíll know Iíve done the right thing. Still unable to get SOB's wife/partner details - does he actually have one?

Well, at least the legal part seems to be working well.
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post #127 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 05:18 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Mate get a lawyer to draft all this up especially the kids custody and get her to sign it whilst she is still in the fog.

Sorry you are going through this but personally you are a better man than me. I would have ceased her car payments and everything else by now.
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post #128 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

That's exactly the plan. According to the lawyer the "lifestyle continuity" for my kid will play a substantial role in the final decision. Was it the case for you as well?

The car (her car) is under my name - if I try to keep it it will introduce hostility to early in the process plus she won't be able to keep that arrangement wrt son.

Emotionally I'm ok to walk out empty handed just with enough time with my kid. Let her have the rest and wish her to be so proud.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Sports Fan View Post
Mate get a lawyer to draft all this up especially the kids custody and get her to sign it whilst she is still in the fog.

Sorry you are going through this but personally you are a better man than me. I would have ceased her car payments and everything else by now.
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post #129 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 06:06 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

@Hantei, I'd advise you to push through w/ the divorce as quickly as possible. Draft terms that are fair, and maybe even slightly beneficial to you. If you think you can get her to agree to cede more than that, then go for it.

Either way, get it done and over with while she's still in her fog.

ETA: Should've read ahead. Mad props, @Sports Fan. Not sure I agree w/ respect to the car, though.

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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

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Last edited by GusPolinski; 03-03-2016 at 06:16 PM.
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post #130 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 06:34 PM
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Exposure! Do not procrastinate. Tell her you have a date. Act ambivalent and uninterested and by all means expose POSOM . I am n r, but if I ever see POSOM God help him.
I feel for you my man. Been there

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post #131 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
That's exactly the plan. According to the lawyer the "lifestyle continuity" for my kid will play a substantial role in the final decision. Was it the case for you as well?

The car (her car) is under my name - if I try to keep it it will introduce hostility to early in the process plus she won't be able to keep that arrangement wrt son.

Emotionally I'm ok to walk out empty handed just with enough time with my kid. Let her have the rest and wish her to be so proud.
Im not divorced but have had my legal advice and becuase of the nature of my job i'm very up to speed on how the law works.

Yes i was advised continuity of the kids is very important and the law tends to favour the parent that has kept the routine of the kids ongoing with minimal disruption.

In regards to the car doesn't matter whose name it is under eventually it all goes in an asset pool to be divided up once all morgage and bills are met.

I would advise to play it cool until she signs over custody then pull the plug on the car payments etc. Let the courts figure that out. In the meantime she will suffer inconvenience as the court process is Australia is very slow and the Family Law Court is backed up for up to 3 years.

Stay Strong
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post #132 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Glad it worked for you. Apparently I'm not pushing for R hard enough, not fighting for the marriage, had her living in tears for the last couple of weeks using time the kid is away from home. So my emotional closeness killed or marriage in more ways that her "indiscretion".

One more gem. I have not been supportive of her career while they spent hours why him talking about her career and he was soooo encouraging. This was in a context of a discussion of what the hell did they do when spending time together if not f^$5%%g like rabbits?

For the record she always had my full support while being full time, part time (ATM) or SAHM. Including writing the CV, meeting dry runs, support in rejecting the promotions which would bring a salary increase but demand longer hours, etc.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Sports Fan View Post
Im not divorced but have had my legal advice and becuase of the nature of my job i'm very up to speed on how the law works.

Yes i was advised continuity of the kids is very important and the law tends to favour the parent that has kept the routine of the kids ongoing with minimal disruption.

In regards to the car doesn't matter whose name it is under eventually it all goes in an asset pool to be divided up once all morgage and bills are met.

I would advise to play it cool until she signs over custody then pull the plug on the car payments etc. Let the courts figure that out. In the meantime she will suffer inconvenience as the court process is Australia is very slow and the Family Law Court is backed up for up to 3 years.

Stay Strong
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post #133 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
Glad it worked for you. Apparently I'm not pushing for R hard enough, not fighting for the marriage, had her living in tears for the last couple of weeks using time the kid is away from home. So my emotional closeness killed or marriage in more ways that her "indiscretion".
Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
One more gem. I have not been supportive of her career while they spent hours why him talking about her career and he was soooo encouraging. This was in a context of a discussion of what the hell did they do when spending time together if not f^$5%%g like rabbits?
Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
For the record she always had my full support while being full time, part time (ATM) or SAHM. Including writing the CV, meeting dry runs, support in rejecting the promotions which would bring a salary increase but demand longer hours, etc.
Yeah, none of that will matter for as long as she's looking to justify the affair, blame the affair on you, etc.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #134 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

So what I'm saying that it looks, feels and sounds like an exit affair to me.
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post #135 of 1859 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 10:31 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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So what I'm saying that it looks, feels and sounds like an exit affair to me.
Yessir. Act accordingly.

I will echo Sports Fan and Gus. Get a favorable settlement now, before her AP loses interest in her.

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