I don't know what would be the right title - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know what would be the right title

I spent a lot of time on this forum in 2014 - only reading and not posting. Someone close to me was going through a rough patch in his marriage. Google and ye shall find. I have been reading these stories in horror but admittedly also having that "It'll never happen to me" feeling. I also couldn't for the sake of me comprehend why grown up people spend their time on the forum discussing most intimate aspects of their personal lives. I thought that is an "American" thing (I'm from Australia) - or a hiding place for hurt people.

Yet here I am sitting at home alone in the morning 1st time in probably 5-6 years without being seek, on holidays or anything like that - just because I'm unable to go to my office, smile to my co-workers and answer "Great, thanks" to the "How are you" greeting. I don't know what am I doing here and why is it so much easier than opening up to the ones that are close to me. I guess that is what you call a drive by post?

Anyway, after 20 years of happy marriage to a women I knew from the high school (literally grew up with) I have learned a week and a half ago that she has cheated... Wrong, I should say was cheating and probably is cheating on me. I'm not sure if this a positive thing (I'm a "glass half full" person, at least I was) I have been spared weeks of doubt, suspense and paranoia. I can't honestly say I have had any doubts prior to the discovery - I should have I retrospect but being a f**g idiot I am I was oblivious until I have accidentally intercepted a voice mail that was unambiguous and could not be misinterpreted. When I exposed it to my wife... I did have an irrational hope that it is some sort of mistake; if not it didn't go all the way; if it did - that she will keep fighting for the marriage.

She did not deny it, she couldn't as the message was literally "Hi [her name], I want you to know I cannot stop thinking about you, my day is full of thoughts about our last time together, I can't even tell you how much did I enjoy every inch of your body and I'm sure I hasn't left any of it without an attention it deserve. Please call me when you can". Something like that she has deleted it.

I expected shock, tears, guilt, remorse and frantic attempts to save the marriage. I have got the 1st three for a day or two... Eventually she opened up with the following: that she is sorry she's hurt me, I'm a wonderful man and a great husband, she can't fault me and still loves me but last couple of years(? WTF) she felt chocked in the marriage. That she needs someone who is enigmatic, artistic and enlightens people around him. Who "stands up in the crowd and lives life to the fullest". She could have handled this better but what happened happened and we all need to take it from here. That was as close to the quote as I can produce ATM. She hasnít answered my question about the divorce and does not seem to want separation but needs "time to asses who she is and what she wants". So it looks like I have been denied even a f**ng say in whether we should try to reconcile or divorce. I have left a message for a family lawyer this morning.

I don't get it - every aspect of the marriage was great or so I thought, we've had a great night out 2 days before I've got that voice mail (hers not mine), never lived from a paycheck to a paycheck, travelling together, you name it. ATM I feel more void and confusion rather than pain and anger. You know like someone suddenly pulls a chair from under you when you are about to sit down.

I just can't call relatives and friends and talk to or face them. She hasn't announced anything either AFAIK. I don't know what I'm going to say to our son (who thanks to God is overseas). I don't even know why am I posting this as all decisions and doubts have been taken from me.

I'm 42, she is 40. Knew her since high school, been together and inseparable since then hence the early marriage.

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post #2 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:27 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

If you have spent a lot of time on this forum since 2014 you know shes making up her mind

Make it for her

Suitcase with her knickers and bras in and nearest kerb and tell her to live her life to the fullest
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post #3 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:27 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

If you've been hanging around for a while you should be able to find the Newbie thread? Also get STD tested. And make sure you eat enough and don't drink.

Then, you need to STOP with the attitude that you're leaving ANYTHING up to her. You haven't been denied a say in anything - you've given it away. Take control, by kicking her a$$ to the curb. She's given you the ILYBNILWY speech, which there is never any coming back from by being NICE.

You've lost yourself. You aren't able to be you without her. You need to find YOU first of all. Forget about her and forget about your marriage - she's blown it up. It's gone. Even if you stay married, it won't ever be what you had. Start deciding what YOU want and doing it. It should start with kicking her out.

I know this sounds brutal and impossible, but it's exactly what I did, and 6 years later we are together and WAY better.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #4 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:28 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Well you'll be ok if the POS doesn't want her...lucky you
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post #5 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Sorry you are here my friend.

Dont give her space,time or anything you like to call it. You need to start acting as soon as possible.Dont trust her because she already lied to you and she keep doing it.

You need to expose this to your family and close friends. Dont feel ashamed because you are not the one who destroyed this marriage.

Her actions and her words should be enough for you to know what to do. She is not sorry and she is not ready to work on your marriage. She cares only about herself and her own happines. Talk with your lawyer and see your rights my friend.

I can bet OM is her co-worker and she is talking with him about her decision what to do and how to make you accept this.

Stay strong.
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post #6 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:55 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Hantei, I am sorry you are here with this. Please note that although we are unknown people you will never meet, we do care about your situation and can offer help. Why? Helping you also help ourselves.

Your wife needs "time to asses who she is and what she wants" means she wants to have sex with other man while still staying married to you. She wants both options until she decides which one she will pick. That is very very very common to see here on TAM. While you are unique, your situation is not.

What do you want? Forget what your wife wants. Once you decide that, YOU can take action to make it happen. If you do nothing, or allow your wife to make the choices, then you have lost your wife and marriage is over. If you take no positive action, your wife will only come back if the other man dumps her and you are her backup plan. Do you want that?

What do you want?
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post #7 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 06:06 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

180, expose, 180, file, 180, divorce, 180.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

What a mess. So, is your wife not planning on ending this affair? Has she said?
I can actually understand the needing time thing. She's obviously in love with this other guy if it's coming down to this hard of a decision.
So ya she's leaving it all in her hands.. And it's up to you whether you are cool with that or not.
I guess if you are and want to stay married to her- you are going to need a lot more answers and total transparency from her.
And that's if she wants to stay in the marriage.
If you aren't cool with that then yes, start 180 now, follow up with attorney, get some money stashed and start heading towards divorce.


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post #9 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Quote:
...but needs "time to asses who she is and what she wants"

Who is she?

She is a cheater.

What does she want?

Lots of cake that she can keep, yet also eat at the same time.

What is she going to get?


A divorce if she doesn't shape up.

I am sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Counselling may be an option, but is generally considered of limited use if the one spouse can't stop cheating.

You need to protect your legal and financial position.

One thing you could do is seek a short consultation with all the good local lawyers. This will stop her from using them.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #10 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 09:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Thank you very much folks,

I have not expected the responses to be so great. As I said back in 2014 I could not understand why people come here - now I do. Feels like I can talk to someone - I get (logically not emotionally - yet) the need for this to be exposed but once the genie is out of the bottle my chance of having calm and thoughtful discussion on the matter with anyone from circles are almost zero.

You asked great questions Ė I donít have all answers, but for what I know having the right question is 75% of the right answer, isnít it?

Please do not overrate the time I spent here before Ė I just managed to read a few of the stories that I now wanted to use as a baseline but as far as I see it mine is not typical. In these ones the wife was going to fight for the relationship, does not seem to be the case here.

She did not say she wants to divorce me. In fact when I brought the matter up she ended up in tears. But for what I know these could be tears of relieve that the most difficult part is over. After all when I confronted her, her ďI need someone elseĒ message came with the whole list of what she was unhappy in marriage with Ė and it was a complete shocker. She used to tell me how happy she is in the marriage all the time, we were just planning our 1st in a while long holiday without a kiddo and she was really affectionate 5 minutes before she left a room accidentally taking my mobile with her instead of hers (our phones are absolutely identical). I donít drink, make good money, never raised a voice in anger, etc. etc. I need to be a f**g mind reader to spot those problems early enough. It sounded like Iím smothering her ďreal herĒ. WTF?

She said this was one time, she ended it, she regrets it. For what I know for the reasons I have listed above this may be happening for a year or two and could still be in progress now. Iím not sure if there is any point of playing the detective as basic facts are undeniable.

She said she loves me Ė well, let me just say Iím slightly sceptical now. What Iím saying that Iím not sure how I would have reacted if she was really remorseful and willing to undo the damage, but as this option is clearly not on the table, who am I to stay in the way of ďrealĒ her? Perhaps I donít really know who is she really? So I donít feel like I have a choice now, and honestly not sure if I really need and alternative. I love her Ė Iíll let her go.

Iím waiting for a call from a lawyer as we speak and now Ė based on one of the suggestions Ė need to book a time with GP for STD test, Great, f**g great she is a nice old lady who has been looking after us for years.

I donít know who the other guy is Ė after all he did not introduce himself in the voice mail Ė undoubtedly he knew sheís going to recognise the voice.

Thanks for listening.

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post #11 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 09:56 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post

She said she loves me Ė well, let me just say Iím slightly sceptical now. What Iím saying that Iím not sure how I would have reacted if she was really remorseful and willing to undo the damage, but as this option is clearly not on the table, who am I to stay in the way of ďrealĒ her? Perhaps I donít really know who is she really? So I donít feel like I have a choice now, and honestly not sure if I really need and alternative. I love her Ė Iíll let her go.
I think this one of the hardest things about discovering the person you loved so much could betray you in such a way. This person who you thought you knew like no other...and it turns out that this person doesn't exist. You've got some really great advice here, and as much as it doesn't feel right...I promise you, a year from now you will not regret following the advice, but you will probably regret it if you don't follow the advice.

So here's the thing, and this sucks, that woman you loved? She doesn't exist any more. She is completely gone. And it doesn't really matter when it happened, for you it happened the moment you found out she was having an affair.

This new woman, you don't actually know. I know she looks like the woman you love, and she smells like the woman you love. But she's not the woman you love.

As for why you post here...I don't think I really ever understood how amazingly painful it was to be betrayed like that until it happened to me. And to be honest, very few people in my life understand the level of hurt and anger I felt. Coming here with my grief was a relief, because there were other people who got it. At least here, I wasn't so alone.

You are on a new path, and it is going to suck for a very long time. It won't suck forever, it will just feel like it will.

Hang in there and I am sorry it happened.

(Also don't "let her go." Kick her out!)
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post #12 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 10:12 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Yes, there are threads where the wayward wife really wants to stay married. But that's not how they act. They are miserable and would do anything to undo what they had done.

But your wife says "it was just one time, she ended it, she regrets it" and yet she needs time to "find herself"?

No. That's not how a remorseful woman behaves.

You need to give her her freedom and find someone who will love you.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #13 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 10:32 PM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

First and foremost, you need to know who this guy is! Is he coworker?old boyfriend ? Without, how will know they've stopped?
Be strong! You've gonna need it!
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post #14 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 05:00 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

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Originally Posted by Borntohang View Post
First and foremost, you need to know who this guy is! Is he coworker?old boyfriend ? Without, how will know they've stopped?
Be strong! You've gonna need it!
What size boot do you wear? Is it big enough to kick her sorry azz to the curb?

I wonder how wonderful and enlightening the OM will be after 5 years having to work and support her.
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post #15 of 1812 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 05:23 AM
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Re: I don't know what would be the right title

Hantei,

You need to get ahead of the curve on this one:

1. ask her for the full details of the OM - she must tell you
2. contact his W/GF and let them know
3. Contact all your friends and family and expose. You sound of Asian origin (from some of your writing??? - maybe I am wrong) but this is not a time to cover up and hide, affairs must be exposed in order to get WW out of the fog
4. it might be better if you get a lawyer who doesn't know your wife - find out what your options are with kicking her out of hte house. Get divorce papers ready to go
5. Tell her to move out of your bedroom - ask her to pack her stuff and move it to another room/location
6. Go and get yourself counselling to deal with your own pain/emotions/issues etc
7. Start the 180 immediately, do not discuss anything with your wife, act as if you are moving on

The whole purpose is to get you to a place where you can handle the current circumstances regardless of whether you and your WW make it. Further, the A needs to be blown up so that she is hit with the reality of what she has done. If she is not remorseful in any way, make it clear you are proceeding with divorce. Much of this is counterintuitive but you have to be prepared to lose the marriage in order to save it (that is if you actually want to when you calm down and look at things more rationally).

Sorry you find yourself here
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