Moving on... sort of - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Moving on... sort of

A year and a few days out from D-Day, and 7 months since the divorce was final, I've been going to bed at night and waking up in the morning lately with my dog at my side, and with this almost overwhelming feeling of relief that he's not there with us. This is a really good feeling - it washes over me and feels like... contentment.

At the same time, lately I'm occasionally consumed with feelings of hatred for the OW he left me for and now lives with, and I've never met her or even seen her in person. This, I think, is because our son is starting to spend more time with them in his house, and I hate that. I know it's necessary. I've encouraged him to spend more time with his Dad in his house, and I've never said a bad word about her or the situation to him. But I hate her for being a part of his life, now. I hate that he has to be exposed to such a person.

I guess that just as the overwhelming sadness I went to bed and woke up with every morning has turned to acceptance and now relief with time, my hatred of her will turn to acceptance, and maybe eventually pity (or at least indifference)? I'm looking forward to that, because I don't enjoy this hatred feeling.

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

NMB,

Your children should know who the OW is and what she did, she can never become Auntie CheaterPOS who bakes cookies for them. As they become older more and more details should be told. You have no obligation to lie to protect your exHs and OWs image any more than you do for some pimp. You took no vow of secrecy.

Tamat
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

I hope that you do find some sort of peace or ambivalence towards her some day. Its been 11 years since I left my ex husband and I still LOATHE his new wife. I moved out the end of May, she helped me move my stuff out on August 14th of the same year.

He didnt cheat on me with her, but Id known her since I was 5, she was his best friends twin sister, had been around our entire marriage and we have NEVER gotten along.I hate that shes in my childrens lives, my kids hate her, shes a wretched human being. I cross my fingers every day they get divorced. The only thing I hold on to is that in 6 years when my son is 18, I dont have to deal with her anymore. Or him for that matter.

I truly pray for a better situation for you, because it sucks.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 02:40 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

NMB, It's different for me because I don't have kids and really don't have to deal with my ex, and as such really don't know what's going on in his life...but it's been 18 months since divorce and 1 year since finding out that we divorced because he was cheating and "in love" with someone else.

And at least right now, I don't care. I don't guarantee that I won't care for good, it seems to come and go. But for right now...I don't really care what he is doing and that indifference does feel good.

I don't really know what it would be like to be reminded of him and his choices because I shared a child with him.
But I think you are right not to speak bad of her in front of your child, mostly because doing that puts your child in an uncomfortable position if he's going to continue to spend time with his Dad.

But, I'm gonna say it sucks.

I do think apathy towards the POSOW is a good goal.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

Unfortunately yours is a familiar story. First off keep in mind that it was your husband that cheated, not the other woman. If it was not her, it would be some other woman. I think ex wives start to feel that their exes found a better model of woman and that bothers them. The OW is always a **** and a bad person without fail. The best thing you can do is shut the door on your previous marriage and not let what your ex is doing, affect you. You are letting someone control your emotions even though he is not doing anything to cause that. The best revenge is living a good life so if you just do that and he sees that he is not missed and you are happier with him gone, perhaps he will be the one experiencing bad emotions about you.

Quick story. My wife's best friend's husband left her for another woman. She was distraught and ended up living with us for 30 years but that is another story. Her exe was a good friend of mine so I was caught in the middle. He called and wanted to introduce his new girlfriend to us. They came over and we were shocked. The girl looked and talked like a low life. She was collecting welfare in two different States by taking a bus between the two States to collect. She was an alcoholic like my friend is and not good marriage or mommy material. I forgot to mention that she did prison time and had the tattoos to show for it. I told our girlfriend about who her ex was dating and she felt much better about being left for another woman. She imagined a young beautiful girl much better than her when actually the OW was a low life criminal.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Moving on... sort of

It's funny - before I was cheated on and left for an OW, intellectually I was of that same mindset many here at TAM have had - that the AP is not the one who broke their vows to you and not the one you should hate. I do still understand that intellectually.

But in my heart and in my gut, I hate her. My ex has told me that he didn't lie to her and didn't lead her to believe we were already separated or I was some kind of monster or anything like that, so it would seem she was willing to cheat with a man with a trusting wife and a teenage son out of pure selfishness.

I'll admit I can't trust anything my ex says as far as I can throw him now, so I realize he could have been lying to me about not lying to her when he told me that. He'd rather throw her and me both under the bus than admit he lied to anyone about anything. I actually wouldn't hate her so much (or even at all) if he'd admitted that he lied to her to get her to cheat with him.

I can't help but judge her. I don't care how "nice" my ex claims she is - a nice person doesn't knowingly f*** another woman's husband, and text and call him multiple times daily, knowing his wife doesn't even know about her, and give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't tell his wife about her, she's going to do it for him (which she then basically did).

This is not a likable person. This is not a good person. This is not a nice person. And no, this is not a person who is better than I in any way. The only things she's good at are throwing herself at married men (he's not her first, by the way) and not being me. She is not younger, better looking, smarter, or nicer than I am.

As you can see, it's going to take me a long time to get to at least acceptance of her. I don't think I'll ever pity her. I have hope it will come someday - I thought I'd never get past my sadness at the loss of my husband, marriage, and intact family. I'm still sad about the destruction of the family on my son's behalf. But I don't miss the other two things anymore.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 05:19 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

Quote:
Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
NMB,

Your children should know who the OW is and what she did, she can never become Auntie CheaterPOS who bakes cookies for them. As they become older more and more details should be told. You have no obligation to lie to protect your exHs and OWs image any more than you do for some pimp. You took no vow of secrecy.

Tamat
I agree!

Your son should know the truth and you are absolutely correct that she is not a good person.

It's up to your son to decide what to do with the information by I see no need to pretend you are ok with what she or your ex did to your family.

These are YOUR feelings and you have every right to them and to share them.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 05:34 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

OH HELL NO @Vinnydee, I found this post on another site. I've tried to edit it to be gender neutral.


Who is the other person*

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

*posm are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so tey choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

Understand they choose to be the one. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 05:39 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

So @Nomorebeans that's my take on your ex's OW. As to your ex, I hadn't realized until recently his first wife heated on him. You have no idea the depth of my contempt is for him.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 05:50 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

NMB, don't let anyone convince you that your disdain for OW is either unreasonable or unjustified.

Consider for a moment the old adage...

"If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you."

No doubt you've noticed that, when this phrase is spoken aloud, the word "with" -- along with the word "on" -- is typically enunciated very prominently.

With, as in...

Alongside.

An accomplice to.

Complicit.

Sharing in culpability.

Sure, OW wasn't the one that swore vows to you. Still, she knew that a relationship w/ your ex had the potential to tear apart a home and family, and she pursued it anyway. And any rhetoric that would take away any of the stigma traditionally -- and rightfully -- associated w/ such behavior is at least ignorant, if not much worse.

And sure, it could've very well been a different woman.

But then you'd have plenty of reason to hate her instead of OW.

It's OK to hate. Just don't let it consume or rule you.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

What Gus said.

I don't think you can help, but hate what she and your husband did.

You certainly are justified in your feelings. Your ex and his AP are deserving of any number of hateful thoughts. I see you choosing to let them go as best you can. I think you are doing very well with all that you are trying to handle.

I'm trying to let go of my hatred, also. It's sure difficult. Fortunately, I don't always feel it anymore. It comes and goes, but is always in the background lurking.

Wishing you well.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 06:59 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

NMB ~

I have been tormented by the POSOW for seven years. I hate her. I wish she would die. Yes, my POS STBX was married to me and he cheated on me HOWEVER, she pursued him with a vengeance, she dressed like a ****, she flirted, she had her office desk moved to be closer to his office. She knew he was married with a family. She herself was married with a family. They are now together. It kills me.

I wish I had the answer to help but I don't. I know what it is like to think about them together. It's painful.

My son is older. He is 30 years old. He knows the real story and eventually your child will too.

I'm sorry I cannot help you more. Time will help the pain lessen. Be Strong. VH
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Moving on... sort of

VH, my heart aches for you. I hope you find some peace. I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel given those circumstances. At all.

Thank you, everyone, for your support.

Once again, I find myself so wishing my Mom were here. I could tell her that I understand, now, everything she felt and went through. My Dad left her for an OW when I was little and my brothers were 9 and 10 years old. That didn't work out, big shocker, and he ended up with my stepmother of 42 years, who, in my view, wasn't a great prize, either. I used to wonder why my Mom hated that other woman more than she hated my father for cheating on her - to the point that she would have beaten her to death with her wicker handbag on her own personal D-Day if my father hadn't held her back. No more.

If my ex's OW had been standing right in front of me when I found out about them, I might have killed her with my bare hands. I certainly would have tried to.

Mom, please forgive me for not fully understanding.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 09:10 PM
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My sister's ex-h cheated on her with a woman at work. Sister figured out something was up, checked his phone, called and confronted the woman. Told her she was stealing a man not only from his wife but 4 little kids as well. The OW gave her some bull that he had told her he was divorced and didn't see his kids because his ex (my sister) wouldn't let him. OW swore she would tell him off and dump him. What a bunch of bull. My sister found out later this piece of trash had slept with almost every man in their 30 person office. Wrecked about 2 DOZEN marriages. Strangely enough not her own. From what we heard, her husband was a cheater himself and thought the whole thing was funny. There are some seriously sick people out there.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-26-2016, 09:11 PM
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Re: Moving on... sort of

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Unfortunately yours is a familiar story. First off keep in mind that it was your husband that cheated, not the other woman. If it was not her, it would be some other woman. I think ex wives start to feel that their exes found a better model of woman and that bothers them. The OW is always a **** and a bad person without fail. The best thing you can do is shut the door on your previous marriage and not let what your ex is doing, affect you. You are letting someone control your emotions even though he is not doing anything to cause that. The best revenge is living a good life so if you just do that and he sees that he is not missed and you are happier with him gone, perhaps he will be the one experiencing bad emotions about you.

Quick story. My wife's best friend's husband left her for another woman. She was distraught and ended up living with us for 30 years but that is another story. Her exe was a good friend of mine so I was caught in the middle. He called and wanted to introduce his new girlfriend to us. They came over and we were shocked. The girl looked and talked like a low life. She was collecting welfare in two different States by taking a bus between the two States to collect. She was an alcoholic like my friend is and not good marriage or mommy material. I forgot to mention that she did prison time and had the tattoos to show for it. I told our girlfriend about who her ex was dating and she felt much better about being left for another woman. She imagined a young beautiful girl much better than her when actually the OW was a low life criminal.
I beg to differ, the OW did cheat when she decided to get it on with a married man, she would have known he was another woman's husband. That is why single people should not date married people, it IS cheating!
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