Ok guys just looking for some quick advice here, I just talked with BIL who told me he just saw POSOM downtown meaning he is still here. My question is should I call the police and report it? Can I do this? I mean can the police do something?
Your reaction to POS still being in town is just the reaction that POS wants. It is why he is still in town. He feels that he has you on the run looking for him over your shoulder. He is enjoying this feeling of power and will stay as long as he has it. You are giving him this power and you are doing it in front of your wife. Stop it right now. Do not hire a PI. Stop caring where he is.
Your wife made all the right decisions so far so it is time that you trust her. Tell her that he is in town and that you no longer care because she has started to earn your trust back and you know that she will no longer communicate with him. Discuss with her how she should act when he eventually confronts her face to face or over the phone (and eventually he will). Agree to the details and then live your life.
If you do this, POS will look like the nut case and you will look like the strong and confident Alpha male. Continue to communicate with her to work on your marriage and not talk so much about him. If you see him when you are with your wife, kiss her long and hard in front of him and look back at him and smile. She is your wife and not his. Time to start enjoying that fact. Let him know that he has no power and he will leave.
The POSOM might say to you or her, (IF I CAN NOT HAVE HER, NO ONE WILL). My friend who is female, said that her old nuts in the head boyfriend, said that above. She was not thinking that he was dangerous. She was wrong, he had mental problems, that him and his parents were hiding. She almost got hurt, in this scary mess. He was bipolar too. Watch out for the signs of that.
Thank you everyone for your advice and perspective, I'm very grateful for all the advice I get here, it has made me reflect on my own faults and it has also saved me a few times of doing something really stupid that I would probably regret.
Whip Morgan, I recognize that my marriage has problems that although not an excuse for the affair did plant the seed that lead to it. I think part of the problem has been my constant desire to make more and more and more money, this has caused me to spend many hours at work that now when I look back on it I didn't need. We have a very comfortable life and in part thanks to wife who is very good with money, I do not recall in this almost 10 years a single time that she made a financial request or demand, she will always go for the cheapest of everything and there's no waste at my home, it has been material for many private jokes over the years! I think part of my obsession to make so much money comes from the fact that during my first marriage there were never enough money to my ex wife, shoes, clothes, make up, more shoes, handbags, girls nights out, you name it she was never satisfied with anything, always wanted more, at the time in school and with two jobs I couldn't make it, there were other issues but money was one of them. I was back then what you guys call here a doormat, I did everything for my ex who stepped on me in every single way you can possible imagine.
After my divorce I made a point that I would never be treated that way ever again, I think I brought alot of that bitterness into this marriage. It is also possible is the reason why I have so many problems in expressing to my wife how much I love her, I do have alot of trouble expressing emotions and feelings, is something I just don't feel comfortable with. I really want to change and do the work, whatever it takes to make it better, this morning while wife making the breakfast something she has done for almost 10 years without failing a single day, is like something just clicked on my mind I had an epiphany! I thought of how all this years she has always put myself and our kids first, in every single occasion it has always been about my needs, the kids needs and what was best for us, my son has especial needs and wife has sacrificed more than I ever did so my son can be today where he is, doctors and specialists have told us over and over again how my son would never be where he is if was not for my wife dedication to him, how much she sacrificed of herself and the things she wanted for us and all this without ever been asked to do it or complaining, I have never been able to tell her any of this, I feel it but have never been able to express it or show it by simple things as being home at dinner time or buying her a birthday present instead of just giving her the money, I'm coming to realize I have been an ******* probably my whole marriage. I love her more than anything and I'm scared to death that maybe is to late to fix things and I won't be able to undue the damage and will end up losing her. I want to change I really do, I have not been a good husband, I want work on it but I'm terrified of not being able to do so.
Chapparal, wife and I are reading "Love Busters" and "His needs Her Needs", I recommended it to everyone, great books, also to fill out the questionaries, they are huge eye openers.
WhereAmI, Wolf, Try and Entropy, I didn't told her anything last night, it was the first time in days that she was able to get some sleep despite the nightmares and I thought telling her would just aggravate her emotional state and keep us up all night. I did tell her this morning but in a calm way, I let her know that I'm not blaming her for his behavior and that I trust her in case POSOM will show up, she begged me to not get into any confrontation with POS and I promise I wouldn't. POS did say some of this things the day he was at my house, I have it on the VAR, he is clearly unstable and like the MC said is possible that besides bipolar he suffers from some other mental illness we are not aware of, I was also told recently that POS has been obsessed with my wife since she was 15, they started dating when she was 18 but I was told he was literally obsessed with her long before that. Wife and I had a very nice day together and I remained calm, I did not mention POS or anything related to him. I'm worried but I'm keeping that to myself, my biggest concern is him showing up here while wife and the kids are alone, she will not open the door but I'm afraid this POS human trash might be capable of anything.
I will try not to do anything stupid if POS shows up here, you all have given me strength and courage to keep my mind on the right track since all this **** started and I hope I will keep all of this in mind if a situation of confrontation comes up.
It may not be part of your nature but being a good lover is not something any of us is born with and as with anything in life, it takes a willigness to do what is necessary to become one. Consider surprising your wife by givinging her lots of warm hugs, kisses, and a few 'I love you' throughout the day. The point is to make her feel that you value her beyond her role of wife and mother, that you value her as your lover, in and out of bed.
There was a TV special (I think Dateline) about Dalia Dipolito, the Boynton Beach newlywed who tried to hire someone to kill her H.
Before she hired the hitman (who turned out to be an undercover cop), a lawyer advised the H to sign over all of his assets to his W for legal purposes (ostensibly, so the govt. couldn't seize it).
Turns out, the "lawyer" was one of her ex-BFs/affair partner.
In other words, I'll bet anything that the POSOM's lawyer is a family friend (or member, or even one of your SIL's acquaintances) posing as one.
Dadof, One of the things I took her to this weekend was shooting, she was not that bad, makes me wonder how it would be with a real target
Adv, If it comes to it I hope I will be able to control myself unless I'm physical confronted, when it comes to this POS sadly I think be prepared for the worse may be the most likely scenario, I would think by now he would be gone, not sure what he's thinking he will accomplish at this point.
The in laws are dropping the kids tomorrow morning before they go to work and I will take them and the wife to lunch and then do something fun, it has been a while since the last time we did something the four of us together.
Morituri, I have been trying to do that this past couple of days, it's something new for me but I'm willing to work hard on it, to be honest the first few times was really difficult now is not as difficult I guess is some improvement. I have been more affectionate, touching her more, kissing, hugging, she did notice this change and I can see is having a positive effect in the way we emotional relate to each other, I can feel there's more connection. I will keep working on it.
F-102, Man you have no idea all the possible scenarios I already thought about this ring, I could write a book, my imagination has gone wild
Yea, the lawyer has worked for POSOM parents for years and is very good friends with POS father, he works basically as a business lawyer, very likely because he knows the family for so long he's buying all the BS they saying.
My lawyer on friday did faxed their lawyer the conditions under which I am willing to give POS mother the ring back, I will see which BS they gonna come back with.
After my divorce I made a point that I would never be treated that way ever again, I think I brought alot of that bitterness into this marriage. It is also possible is the reason why I have so many problems in expressing to my wife how much I love her, I do have alot of trouble expressing emotions and feelings, is something I just don't feel comfortable with. I really want to change and do the work, whatever it takes to make it better, this morning while wife making the breakfast something she has done for almost 10 years without failing a single day, is like something just clicked on my mind I had an epiphany! I thought of how all this years she has always put myself and our kids first, in every single occasion it has always been about my needs, the kids needs and what was best for us, my son has especial needs and wife has sacrificed more than I ever did so my son can be today where he is, doctors and specialists have told us over and over again how my son would never be where he is if was not for my wife dedication to him, how much she sacrificed of herself and the things she wanted for us and all this without ever been asked to do it or complaining, I have never been able to tell her any of this, I feel it but have never been able to express it or show it by simple things as being home at dinner time or buying her a birthday present instead of just giving her the money, I'm coming to realize I have been an ******* probably my whole marriage. I love her more than anything and I'm scared to death that maybe is to late to fix things and I won't be able to undue the damage and will end up losing her. I want to change I really do, I have not been a good husband, I want work on it but I'm terrified of not being able to do so.
.....
You probably realize it, but what you've written above is expressing your feelings ("you're scared to death...of losing her" e.g.). You need to say this to your wife if you haven't already! You need to change the way you approach your marriage (as you've mentioned). It will never be the same and you should not want it to be the same. Just do it.
My W of 13 years forgave my EA and let all of her walls down (again) just 4 days after D-day which was 6 months ago. She said it would do no good to harbor resentment, etc. Our marriage has never been better because I finally understood what loving her really means (after almost losing the most important person in my life).
Reading your story puts me on the edge of my seat, I feel like I'm watching a movie and can't wait for the happy ending
You probably realize it, but what you've written above is expressing your feelings ("you're scared to death...of losing her" e.g.). You need to say this to your wife if you haven't already! You need to change the way you approach your marriage (as you've mentioned). It will never be the same and you should not want it to be the same. Just do it.
My W of 13 years forgave my EA and let all of her walls down (again) just 4 days after D-day which was 6 months ago. She said it would do no good to harbor resentment, etc. Our marriage has never been better because I finally understood what loving her really means (after almost losing the most important person in my life).
Reading your story puts me on the edge of my seat, I feel like I'm watching a movie and can't wait for the happy ending
I guess is easier to write it than actually expressing it to her or letting her know how I feel, I think I'm afraid of looking weak and being taken advantage of. I'm really looking forward to start IC tomorrow, I hope it will help me to sort out all this issues. I'm sure my marriage cannot go back to what it was and I think that's a positive thing, I know if it goes back to what it was I may find myself in this situation again.
Today was a tough day, I lost my temper with her. I'm trusting but verifying so today while I was going through all the receipts of what has been spent there're 30 bucks missing, I went crazy, reading all the stories here of the DS hiding phones my first thought was she must have got some phone. I confronted her, she denied it and tried to show me how the receipts matched the bank records and well long story short she was right but I thought she was lying and lost it, lost it really bad, I apologized and she was understanding but can't help I feel awful, I know my reaction was not appropriate, if nothing else I hadn't solid prove and lost it.
Congratulations on your R with your wife. I'm working on getting there, being able to forgive my wife completely is what I really want, I hope I can get there. Thank you for posting your story it gives me hope!!
I guess is easier to write it than actually expressing it to her or letting her know how I feel, I think I'm afraid of looking weak and being taken advantage of. I'm really looking forward to start IC tomorrow, I hope it will help me to sort out all this issues. I'm sure my marriage cannot go back to what it was and I think that's a positive thing, I know if it goes back to what it was I may find myself in this situation again.
Today was a tough day, I lost my temper with her. I'm trusting but verifying so today while I was going through all the receipts of what has been spent there're 30 bucks missing, I went crazy, reading all the stories here of the DS hiding phones my first thought was she must have got some phone. I confronted her, she denied it and tried to show me how the receipts matched the bank records and well long story short she was right but I thought she was lying and lost it, lost it really bad, I apologized and she was understanding but can't help I feel awful, I know my reaction was not appropriate, if nothing else I hadn't solid prove and lost it.
Congratulations on your R with your wife. I'm working on getting there, being able to forgive my wife completely is what I really want, I hope I can get there. Thank you for posting your story it gives me hope!!
I understand why you lost your temper. I think your wife has proved she is comitted to your marriage. I know it is easy for me to say, but try not to jump to conclusions so quickly. You know this already but from a distance I think that is important for your healing right now. You guys are now in this together. Good luck. We all have bad days.
I understand why you lost your temper. I think your wife has proved she is comitted to your marriage. I know it is easy for me to say, but try not to jump to conclusions so quickly. You know this already but from a distance I think that is important for your healing right now. You guys are now in this together. Good luck. We all have bad days.
Thanks man. I'm gonna try not to, if it happens again will be sure before open my mouth. It just got the best of me.
I'm also letting go of the ring. POS doesn't want to sign anything like my lawyer suggested as a condition to give the ring back, POSOM parents do want some sort of agreement anyways so our lawyers got something that sounds good to me. POSOM parents will sign a document that they received the ring back but where it is stated that I had it because POSOM left it on our mailbox, they will also pay the lawyer fees involved in what the ring is concerned. I will let it go, if they sue even if I win it will be to stressful and I don't think it will help my marriage recover. I will focus my energy in healing my marriage and try to move forward.
been there myself CB (having a bad moment of something not adding up and later finding out I was wrong) That panic takes over and ration gets tossed aside. Do know that the way your wife handled things is an extremely encouraging sign and will go miles towards your healing process.
been there myself CB (having a bad moment of something not adding up and later finding out I was wrong) That panic takes over and ration gets tossed aside. Do know that the way your wife handled things is an extremely encouraging sign and will go miles towards your healing process.
Almostrecovered, It was a roll coaster of thoughts, in less than a minute I came up in my mind with all possible scenarios, now when I look back I know I did not act rational but at the time as you say and well panic takes over, I hope this gets better with time. I apologized again this morning and wife was very understanding, suggested we try to come up with a way that it will make it easier for me to check the receipts, whatever may cause me less stress.
IC was huge eye opener today!!! Although it's not in anyway an excuse for her EA I do have some issues of my own that need to be worked out. IC thinks that I haven't recovered from all the crap that happened during my first marriage and that I was so committed to not be a "doormat" in my current marriage that I ended up just "stone walling" my wife, that I love her but have been incapable of "let her in". IC said that for almost 10 years I have been emotional punishing my wife for all the crap my first wife did to me. It was very tough to hear and I felt so devastated that for the first time in like 10/12 years I cried like I don't think I ever cried before!! IC does think that with hard work it can be worked out so I'm hoping it will!!! I will definitely keep up the work with IC and try to be the best man I can. Hopefully I'm still in time to save and heal my marriage.
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Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF 
