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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-20-2011, 01:11 PM   #736 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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Thanks man, I will, trying not to be controlling...
you cant control her anyways, you can only control yourself

so far she's shown the willingness to do the heavy lifting in such a sh!tfest of stress, give her some slack and let her know how you feel about this woman and see what she says.
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Old 10-20-2011, 01:30 PM   #737 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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My wife is not particular close with this neighbor's wife at all but our daughters do attend ballet classes together and I know they talk, can I request that my wife does not engage in conversation/contact with her? or am I crossing the line?
Are they friends outside of ballet class, or do they just chat while they wait and do the "dance mom" thing? If it's just that they're friendly because they're always in the same place, I think it creates more drama to have one mom freeze out another and suddenly quit speaking to her. Especially if they're just sitting around waiting for their kids to finish a dance class. Super awkward silence in that case.

If they aren't particularly close and their acquaintance is based on their kids, I doubt seriously that the neighbor's wife is much of an influence either way. Now if they started hanging around and doing lunch or whatever--that'd be different.

Besides--when you really think about it, if we live around our neighbors long enough, we usually find out they're ALL a bad influence one way or another! Or that the story goes that way, at least. Unless you're the one having an affair with this guy's wife--it's all gossip anyway no matter what the grapevine thinks they "know". I mean think about it...you're the guy with the crazy man on your lawn at all hours and the cops at your house all the time, right? What might people be saying about talking to you guys at dance class?

I think your energy is far better spent on keeping up the efforts on opening up to her and making the bond between the two of you stronger than it is clamping down on everything she might do or say or hear.
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Old 10-20-2011, 02:20 PM   #738 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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Are they friends outside of ballet class, or do they just chat while they wait and do the "dance mom" thing? If it's just that they're friendly because they're always in the same place, I think it creates more drama to have one mom freeze out another and suddenly quit speaking to her. Especially if they're just sitting around waiting for their kids to finish a dance class. Super awkward silence in that case.

If they aren't particularly close and their acquaintance is based on their kids, I doubt seriously that the neighbor's wife is much of an influence either way. Now if they started hanging around and doing lunch or whatever--that'd be different.

Besides--when you really think about it, if we live around our neighbors long enough, we usually find out they're ALL a bad influence one way or another! Or that the story goes that way, at least. Unless you're the one having an affair with this guy's wife--it's all gossip anyway no matter what the grapevine thinks they "know". I mean think about it...you're the guy with the crazy man on your lawn at all hours and the cops at your house all the time, right? What might people be saying about talking to you guys at dance class?

I think your energy is far better spent on keeping up the efforts on opening up to her and making the bond between the two of you stronger than it is clamping down on everything she might do or say or hear.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:42 PM   #739 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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If they aren't particularly close and their acquaintance is based on their kids, I doubt seriously that the neighbor's wife is much of an influence either way. Now if they started hanging around and doing lunch or whatever--that'd be different.
I agree with this.

As an FYI, my wife and I know a couple where my wife is friends with the wife, I am friends with the husband, and my daughter is friends with their daughter. Now that the husband has been caught having an affair, although I would talk to him at parties, out of respect for my wife's feeling, I would probably not see him one on one until things settle down.
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:06 PM   #740 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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Got a quick update from my lawyer POSOM was served, as far as telling his parents lawyer says there's nothing against it but doesn't think it will accomplish much. I not sure.
How did they find him to serve him?
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:44 PM   #741 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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Originally Posted by COGypsy View Post
Are they friends outside of ballet class, or do they just chat while they wait and do the "dance mom" thing? If it's just that they're friendly because they're always in the same place, I think it creates more drama to have one mom freeze out another and suddenly quit speaking to her. Especially if they're just sitting around waiting for their kids to finish a dance class. Super awkward silence in that case.

If they aren't particularly close and their acquaintance is based on their kids, I doubt seriously that the neighbor's wife is much of an influence either way. Now if they started hanging around and doing lunch or whatever--that'd be different.

Besides--when you really think about it, if we live around our neighbors long enough, we usually find out they're ALL a bad influence one way or another! Or that the story goes that way, at least. Unless you're the one having an affair with this guy's wife--it's all gossip anyway no matter what the grapevine thinks they "know". I mean think about it...you're the guy with the crazy man on your lawn at all hours and the cops at your house all the time, right? What might people be saying about talking to you guys at dance class?

I think your energy is far better spent on keeping up the efforts on opening up to her and making the bond between the two of you stronger than it is clamping down on everything she might do or say or hear.
Totally but respectfully disagree. Adultery is evil, horrible and should have consequences. Think of the many victims from one affair.

You don't have to be an a$$ about it but under no stretch would I be the least bit friendly with anyone who was cheating or helping cheaters hide their affair. Let them hang with other low lifes, there are plenty of them out there.

This whole society is suffering because people are not being held accountable. Shocked at your attitude on this forum of all places.

Last edited by Chaparral; 10-20-2011 at 10:24 PM.
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Old 10-20-2011, 08:57 PM   #742 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

Thanks Shaggy, AR, Cogypsy, Entropy and Try for your advice and input. I'm needing to get my paranoia under control. MC told me off on it, I need to stop seeing a threat everywhere and get suspicious of every single move my wife makes or every single person she talks to.

I mentioned it to my wife and she said we don't know "if is true" "people talk and gossip" and that if is an issue she will just be polite to her but "not engage in conversation" Wife is not close with her basically they wait together like all the other moms for the daughters to be done with class, they have also been together at kids parties and stuff not much more than this.

Lordmayhem, when the police asked for his drivers license they also asked where he is staying so I got the hotel's name, when my lawyer filed the RO application you have to file before you see the judge both the hotel's address and his home address (parents home) was put on the form, his phone number also. I assume it must have been from there.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:03 PM   #743 (permalink)
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Totally but respectively disagree. Adultery is evil, horrible and should have consequences. Think of the many victims from one affair.

You don't have to be an a$$ about it but under no stretch would I be the least bit friendly with anyone who was cheating or helping cheaters hide their affair. Let them hang with other low lifes, there are plenty of them out there.

This whole society is suffering because people are not being held accountable. Shocked at your attitude on this forum of all places.
Chapparal, thanks for replying, I just saw your post now. I'm trying not to be paranoid about it, MC told me off really hard on it today.

I'm trying to trust my wife that it won't be an issue but of course it concerns if is true that is a very bad influence, also don't feel that comfortable letting my daughter go there if is true that this women is taking her OM to the house, it concerns me if is true.
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:51 PM   #744 (permalink)
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Totally but respectively disagree. Adultery is evil, horrible and should have consequences. Think of the many victims from one affair.

You don't have to be an a$$ about it but under no stretch would I be the least bit friendly with anyone who was cheating or helping cheaters hide their affair. Let them hang with other low lifes, there are plenty of them out there.

This whole society is suffering because people are not being held accountable. Shocked at your attitude on this forum of all places.
I respectfully agree.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:08 PM   #745 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

I feel your pain. Just your words feel crippling. As an actor in the play Divorce N' Us, I play the role of a husband whose wife challenges him with having fathered an outside child. I retaliate by reminding her that our daughter saw another man kissing her. 'Every time' we do this scene the whole audience seems to cringe. It seems too many people [many who will never admit it] relate personally to an outside force that has or is affecting their 'love'. Someone once told me: "If you're happy, stay. If you're not, leave. Too bad it's not just so easy...
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:29 PM   #746 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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I respectfully agree.
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Just caught that LOL . My typing skills are terrible. Even when I proof read it just makes things worse. Fairly certain I did not use to be this bad.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:31 PM   #747 (permalink)
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I feel your pain. Just your words feel crippling. As an actor in the play Divorce N' Us, I play the role of a husband whose wife challenges him with having fathered an outside child. I retaliate by reminding her that our daughter saw another man kissing her. 'Every time' we do this scene the whole audience seems to cringe. It seems too many people [many who will never admit it] relate personally to an outside force that has or is affecting their 'love'. Someone once told me: "If you're happy, stay. If you're not, leave. Too bad it's not just so easy...
I hear you man. The thought of ever having my kids around this POSOM or them seeing my wife and him together or any other child having to go through such thing drives me crazy, no child should have to go through this, no spouse no matter his/her failings should have to go through this ****.

My wife has showed herself truly remorseful over and over again, until now I have all reasons to believe that she is truly committed to me and our marriage but today on MC it came up the fact that wife and POSOM waited 3 years so they could date each other (wife was only 15 and POSOM was 22), I can't help but think if this is really done or if in a few years I will find myself again on this position, wife swears was a "terrible and horrible mistake that will not happen again" but I can't help but wonder...it was a tough day...
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Old 10-20-2011, 11:10 PM   #748 (permalink)
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I can see your worry about the future, but POSOM has really done his very best to drive your wife away. This guy has been super beta, super freaky, super creepy.
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Old 10-20-2011, 11:18 PM   #749 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

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it came up the fact that wife and POSOM waited 3 years so they could date each other (wife was only 15 and POSOM was 22), I can't help but think if this is really done or if in a few years I will find myself again on this position, wife swears was a "terrible and horrible mistake that will not happen again" but I can't help but wonder...it was a tough day...
CB keep in mind that before POSOM showed his true colors, your wife's initial perception of him was that of when she was a young girl and the fond memories she had of him. Now she has a much different and realistic perception of him and I doubt very much that she has any romantic illusions with regards to him. If there was ever a set of rules that OM followed, POSOM broke all of them with his sociopathic behavior. He f*cked up any chance he had of whisking your wife away from you.

CB, just like you I also have also been betrayed by an ex-wife (2nd wife) and it took plenty of counseling for me to open my heart and soul to another woman. Today I'm in a committed relationship with a woman whom I love, care very deeply, and hopefully will one day accept to become my future wife (I guess you could say I'm a stubborn old f*rt - I'm 53 years old). What I'm trying to say is that you can overcome all the pain and hurt from your first marriage and become the best lover your wife will ever know but it depends on you choosing to become a very loving, understanding and patient lover. I have no doubt sir that you can achieve this.
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Old 10-21-2011, 12:16 AM   #750 (permalink)
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Chapparal, thanks for replying, I just saw your post now. I'm trying not to be paranoid about it, MC told me off really hard on it today.

I'm trying to trust my wife that it won't be an issue but of course it concerns if is true that is a very bad influence, also don't feel that comfortable letting my daughter go there if is true that this women is taking her OM to the house, it concerns me if is true.
There's a huge difference between forbidding conversation between two adults and screening where your kids hang out. Granted I've never thought much about where kids play, but I also feel that my husband and are both reasonably intelligent enough not to sway to any influential breeze that goes by. While I think it's horrifying that the 50+ year old guy bought himself a 20 year old mail-order bride from Russia, I do manage to say hello over the trash cans without worrying that I'm going to decide to suddenly sell myself off to a foreigner or that my husband will come home with some barely legal "nanny" for the cat. But what do I know? Maybe they fell madly in love at a friend's party and the age and language barriers are just a coincidence. I don't know, so in absence of any conviction, I stay civil. Would I let a kid play at the house of a guy that old who married someone that young? Maybe not, but the relationship between the two adults isn't mine to judge.
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