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Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF

187K views 848 replies 66 participants last post by  clairebear 
#1 ·
Hi Everyone, I have been on this site for quit awhile and finally decided to post! I'm at loss and any feed back is welcome!

I been married for about 10 years, we had ups and downs but I always been thinking we had a good marriage, wife had a 6 years relationship with someone else, I met her after their break up and two years later we got married. Through the years I could see that my wife was often depressed and would cry for no apparent reason, when I would ask her about it she should tell was cause she never really forgot her ex bf and how she still loved him, she was always open about it, we went to MC multiple times over this issue and every time I would think this time it will be ok... well apparently not!!!!! A few weeks ago I found out that she has been what I believe started as an EA and it may not be a PA, she does not deny it and tells me he is/was always the love of her life and that no matter what this time they not giving up on each other!!!! WTF!!!!!!!

Let me add this guy is bi polar, lives with his parents still and besides my wife has only had one gf all his life!!!!! I confronted him after find out and he had the nerve to tell me " she is mine and I'm fighting for her she is the love of my life" I just wanted to punch is romeo face, don't know how I controlled myself!!!!!

I'm enraged, hurt and still love my wife, I don't want to lose her to this POS!!!!

Any input is welcome!!!

PS - My nickname is my daughter's favourite bed time story.
 
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#2 ·
Hi Clairbear

I am sorry you are in this situation, it is not an easy one for sure, I know you are not going to like what I tell you, Your wife is an adult and as such, I doubt you have any power to change her mind.

IMHO there is no other course of action other then confronting her and presenting the options to her, either commit to your marriage, or you file for divorce imediatly and let her go.

Honestly I dont thing there is not much that you can do to change her mind, she needs to face the reality of breaking up her family over a fantasy that may very well blow up in her face, you need to protect yourself and your child

read this

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


It will give you some understanding

Stay strong
 
#3 ·
There is zero, nada, nothing that you can do. Let her go, its clear that this has been eating away at your relationship and even if she changed her mind would you ever believe her?!

You need to get on with your life, be strong, let her have her 'true love' but you can't continue a relationship with someone who isn't commited.
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#4 ·
She will go back to him he obviously has issues move into his parents basement and then the dose of reality will sink in when its to late.

My wife with a guy she thinks is perfect yet she recently asked me for money to drive back from this guys house because she didnt have enough petrol nor did this guy have the money to give her because of his own problems.

I know what you mean about wanting to punch them square in the face I mean which guy wouldnt, but when you move on and find someone who is better for you her life will be the one turning upside down and life will seem to get that bit more brighter for you.
 
#5 ·
I know you don't want to hear this, but your whole marriage has been a lie. If you've been on this site and reading the various stories here, then you know that you cannot make her love you. She's been in love with this OM, her ex bf, your whole marriage, you were only her back up plan when she broke up with her ex bf. There's another thread on here that's very similar to yours right here.

What now?

In your case, your WW has admitted to you that she loved OM all along. I suspect that over the years you have already tried to compete with OM, by trying to show her you're the better man and all that, and it hasn't worked. You should also know that from reading stories here, that you cannot compete with the OM. She has long ago convinced herself that he is the love of her life, exactly what she told you.

You deserve to be married to woman who views YOU as the love of her life. Right now, you are only the steady guy she married who raises the children and pays the bills while she continues loving her OM. Now, you have to take steps to let her go, read up on the links in my signature, especially the one about "Just Let Them Go" my morituri.

Another thing, how sure are you that this is just an EA? From what you've said, this OM is in the local area since you've been able to confront him face to face. When two people are in love with each other this long, I sincerely doubt its not been a PA all along. This OM has been there in her heart your whole marriage so I have to say something else that you may not want to hear. Are you sure you're the father of your daughter? Have you had a paternity test done?

You deserve to have a faithful wife who only loves one man as her husband, YOU. You are no one's back up. You are no cuckold. You need to stop living in this hell of LIMBO. Letting her go is not losing to the OM, its about you letting go a WW who doesn't love you. You already know OM is a loser who lives in his parent's basement or whatever. You're already superior to him. Let her go, let her see the reality of what it's going to be like with him. It's time to tell her to leave and start the D process.
 
#6 ·
Why would you wish to stay married to a woman who clearly loves another man? If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would want to stay with you. Do not waste your time. Time to move on and find someone else who can truly commit and love you as a spouse. Good luck.
 
#7 ·
She needs to be told that if she wants to keep her family, she must cut this man out of her life. She is lost in the fantasy of who she thinks he is, not the reality that she cannot save him from himself. If she wants you, she has to write him a no contact letter. She has to be completely transparent with all of her communications and whereabouts to you. She has to show true remorse, and do everything she can to repair your marriage.

If she does not agree to these things, file the divorce papers. That is the only thing that will wake her up.
 
#9 ·
:iagree::iagree:

Learn about doing the 180. It may be that once she has to actually face the reallity of divorce and a broken family she may come around. Of course this means she will probably be with the other man for at least a while. It may not work but looks like your only shot at getting him out of her mind.

Help her pack a bag and change the locks. Reality is a b!tch.

Find the 180, its actually for helping you move on but sometimes works to bring spouses back together. Most importantly make her leave, DO NOT LEAVE YOURSELF. She 's the one cheating. Do not let that loser in your house.

Good luck and prayers

Chap
 
#10 ·
You're a rebound to her, so it seems. A rebound relationship is a distraction for your wife.

It has been 10 years and is not getting any better for you. Perhaps you should try the opposite approach - let her go.

And you have a daughter so that makes letting her go much harder for you and your child(ren).

But it'll be easier for you, if you prepare yourself financially, legally and mentally, keeping in mind your daughter.

Separate yourself from any of joint bank accounts, credit cards and debts/loans.

Start your own private bank account.

Research your legal options.
 
#11 ·
What they said.

There are few things in life that are worse than marrying someone who sees you as the cheap imitation to the real thing. You have been playing the role of second-banana ever since you got involved with her. You are only there to pay the bills and play daddy daycare when she needs a break. No matter what you say or do, you will never, EVER get her to think of you in a better light than her ex. In her eyes, he can do no wrong and you're just the substitute teacher, the temp worker who fills in until the other person comes back; then it's to the back of recycle bin you go.

Is that what you want, my man? To spend the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder, wondering what she's up to? Wondering whether she's thinking of him when she's making love to you?

Dude, that's not living. Take it from me and several others here that got badly burned by a spouse who still held a torch for some blast from the past. This does not get better with time; it will only get worse. You cannot make a person love you so your only option is to let her go. Do not stay with a person who doesn't regard you with the same kind of love and passion as you see her. Find a gal who sees you as the hottest thing on two legs; they're out there. Few things are as satisfying as finding that person, having the ex try to come 'back home' after her fantasy with the OM falls apart, only for you to give that person the Heisman pose...
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#12 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

All the above. The paternity test will tell you much. Legally you will likely be on the hook no matter who the father is. I get that you love her no matter what. Not the point.

Be prepare to be told once this is all said and done that she is not yours ... even if she is. So best get that tested as the results work both ways for you. You need to know.
 
#13 ·
As back ward as this sound, stop begging for your marriage and get in the mind set that you are confident to give up your marriage if your WW continues.

The idea is to empower your self, crying and begging and showing this unconditional love you are empowering your WW to continue. So empower your self by being confident enought to give up you marriage, hopefully making your WW second guess her choices.
In order to pulll this off you must come to term in letting go of your marriage, b/c if she calls your bluff and you stick around your even more screwed.

Its all about additude and confidence, the tough love and the reality of you moving on with out her. Not saying you have to move on but her perseption of how serious you really are.

Be warned she may be so fogged in that the both of you could be sitting across from each other in divorce court before she gets it.


kick off gotta go sorry for ther spelling
 
#14 ·
Hi Everyone,

Thank you very much everyone who got back to me, I appreciate your advice and insight! This is such a mess, I'm so enraged!!!

I will try to answer all your points without missing any.

The POS lives 8 hours a way, I drove there, wife has a drivers license but does not have a car. Through the years I hired a PI multiple times, checked the computer, phone records you name it, everytime it was an issue I snooped to check if there were any contact, it never was. Two months ago we were where he lives for a wedding (wife's friend and also friend of the POS) that's where they reconnected, apparently he told wife how he never forgot her either, looked for her for years, loves her and this ****!!! Since then they been in contact by phone and cell phone.

About our children we have a daughter and son (twins) they are from a previous relationship I had, when I met wife I had full custody already, after we got married wife became their legal guardian. She is an awesome mom and the kids love her, she also takes very good care of the house, cleans, cooks, is great with money and is always there for us no matter when we need her. I love her to death and do not want to break our family.

This morning we talked and she begged me to work things out, that she wants to love me and not the OM but needs help, says she wants feel for me what she feels for him, she was also very scared of losing the kids, offered to go to MC and IC, whatever it takes she says!!!!

I don't know guys, help me out!!! Should I give it a chance????? I don't want to break my family but I no longer want this man in our marriage anymore!!!!
 
#16 ·
I would tell her that if there is to be a chance the OM is out of the picture forever. Tell her you will not be 2nd choice, no way no how. These were things that had to happen in my R. If you want to give her a chance who am I to say you shouldn't? I'm giving mine one. I will tell you though, If the POS OM ever shows back up in her life I'm gone.
 
#17 · (Edited)
For her to start proving herself , she hand writes a letter of no contact to the OM , you verify the letter and have it delivered such that he signs for it. She disables any Facebook or mail accouts and changes her mobile number thus preventing him from contacting her.

No Contact Letter


Don't go to MC or IC until you verify the affair is dead.

A side question , were you divorced when you met your current wife?
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#18 ·
Thanks guys!

Well she talked with POS for about 20 minutes the day of the friend's wedding with my sister in law next to him! I saw them talk from a far but had no clue this was "the guy". My sister in law is a whole story but she is no longer allowed near my wife and my children, the day of the wedding wife told POS that she was married and although had this feelings nothing could come of it and then walked away. Well sister in law gave POS our phone number and wife's cell phone number.

Eli-Zor, Wife agreed to the no contact letter, how should I go from here?????

I was already divorced, my kids are from a 3 year old marriage, wife bailed out when they were 6 months old and I got fully custody as she did not want to have anything to do with the kids. I met my current wife 8 months after my divorce.
 
#23 ·
Eli-Zor, Wife agreed to the no contact letter, how should I go from here?????
Ok, thanks for adding additional information. So you WW is a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM), with no job or car, and your kids are from a previous marriage. Add in the fact that OM lives 8 hours away and in his parents basement or whatever. They only reconnected recently at a wedding, and your toxic SIL gave OM your WWs home phone and cell phone numbers. It seems your situation may not be as bad as you first described, although an EA is already devastating enough. I know that first hand, its hurts so bad to know that your WW has given someone else her heart.

The good thing is you have a chance to recover from this, provided an EA is not a deal breaker for you. In addition to the NC letter, you need to:

  1. If you haven't already, install a keylogger or better yet, quality computer monitoring software like Web Watch, Spy Agent, Spector Pro, etc, on the home computers. These will let you know if your WW attempts to use a secret email account or any other secret account. One of the main tools to cheat are the secret email accounts and secret cell phones.
  2. Buy a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR), you can hide one in your bedroom or wherever else you think she might be using a phone to talk to OM, and it will help you detect if there is a secret cell phone being used.
  3. You need to tell her that she has to rebuild the trust that she has broken. The main way is that she has to be completely transparent. That means handing any and all passwords to all accounts. Of course, you might get the passwords to the accounts that are known, hence the need to install the computer monitoring software to detect any secret ones.
  4. She has to show true remorse, and not try to rug sweep this EA.
  5. Change both the home phone number and cell phone number as you said.

Here's a table you can use to see if she's truly remorseful or merely trying to sweep things under the rug. Know this, if you allow her to sweep this under the rug, then you're setting yourself up for future affairs. This guide was made by fighting2survive at the SI forum.

 
#22 ·
Could have been her sister?

Good luck CB and prayers for your family staying together and being happy. I think this might have been a good thing in the end because of the unrequited feelings she had.

After all the dude lives in a basement.

Stay strong and stay alert. MC and IC strongly suggested.

Keep temper and sarcasm under complete control and be the rock your family can hang onto.

Chap
 
#21 ·
My brother knows but begged me to not "involved them or the family on this" it was his wife who got involved!!!!!! Anyways I have not discuss it with anyone but him and told his ***** of a wife to stay far away from my wife, my children and me!!!! My brother is in denial about his wife, "oh she didn't mean it that way" and other crap like this, she play all innocent, the victim and that I'm the monster, she is/has always been a selfish ***** who for whatever reason has always been very jealous of our life!!!! If she wasn't a woman I would have lost it with her!!!!
 
#24 ·
Thanks Guys!

Well wife gave me the NC letter tonight, I'm feeling like drive 8 hours and deliver it myself!!!! I do want to hit that POS so much!!!

I am changing home phone and cell phone numbers first thing in the morning.

I got a VAR friday and have it in our bedroom in a place where she will never find it, she only uses the phone in our bedroom.
I also have all the other stuff you mention by advice of the PI I had hired in the past. As far as passwords go I had always had her email password, she barely uses the computer to the extent I have only my work laptop as there were never a need for her to have her own computer, on the rare occasions she uses the computer she uses mine.
She seems very remorseful, doesn't want to love the POS, wants to feel that way for me, begged my forgiveness, assured me she could never leave the kids and I could see how devastated she was by the thought of losing them.

I'm hurt, enraged but if she is sincere I'm willing to work things out!
 
#25 ·
Very good. It looks like you're taking decisive action and she appears to be remorseful. It seems that the initial prognosis for R appears good. However, you have to be watching her for a while. Trust but verify. Know that part of the cheater's script is to "fish" for renewed contact. If OM doesn't know your/her number, then the fishing, if done, will come from her. Hopefully, neither of them will attempt to fish.

You might want to call your local police department and inquire about how to go about getting a restraining order or protection order. I don't know what state you're in or the criminal statutes governing ROs/POs, so contact your local PD and see if he can be served with one. I know in my state, you can have a PO served on someone for unwanted contact, stalking, etc. That would work better than confronting him face to face. Also, I would advise against seeing him face to face again, as he could try to call the police on you and say you're threatening him. If you send the NC letter, send it by certified mail, that way he has to sign for it and you know it was received.

If you've done the reading here, then you know that you're going to ride the emotional roller coaster. One moment you're done with her, the next moment you can't bear to live without her. As time goes by and she's remorseful and transparent, and as trust is slowly rebuilt, the highs and lows of the roller coaster start to flatten out slowly.

You will eventually have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you, but that time will come in the future. For now, verify, verify, verify.
 
#26 · (Edited)
Well wife gave me the NC letter tonight, I'm feeling like drive 8 hours and deliver it myself!!!! I do want to hit that POS so much!!!

I am changing home phone and cell phone numbers first thing in the morning.
Its a good start, one of the steps of helping ensuring this affair is killed is to together tell her parents and yours of the affair.

Obtain her agreement if the POSOM contacts her again then she will lay a charge of harassment against him.

As for your wife falling in love with you,she imagines the OM has and will give her something you do not . Therefore you need to work on yourself, physically , mentally and in paying attention to her. Many woman want an alpha male but they also want a man who listens , cares and says and does things that satisfy them emotionally

Schedule time with your wife, as if you are dating, try the following :-

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Love Busters

A flag for you, it is very rare that a wayward stops contact with the OM directly after confrontation or a NC letter, it is a drug that draws them. You must have an explicit boundary and action plan in place if she does contact him, assume she will or he at the minimum will try renew contact.
 
#29 ·
I think you've gotten some very good advice so far. And I'm glad your wife has stated that she wants to be with you and your kids.

But from the brief back story, it seems you're too light on your alpha traits. Crying over another man and admitting it to you is a HUGE, NUCLEAR, IN-YOUR-FACE SH!T TEST. And you failed it. The way you're reacting to this EA is more along the lines of how you should have reacted to her telling you she was still in love with another man.

Read some blogs, starting with Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay. You need to up your alpha traits and learn how to pass those sh!t tests in order to improve your life and become more attractive to your wife.

Good luck.
 
#30 ·
NC letter was mailed this morning to POS!!! My in
laws and brother in law also talk to her this morning, I not sure what the conversation was, my father in law later talked to me and suggested they start taking the kids once a week so we can have date night (something she always asked and I never did in almost 10 years) he also suggested that we should finally go on that honeymoon trip she wanted so much but at the time cause the kids were very small we decided to delay but that since then I have delayed it myself.

I changed home phone today and tomorrow she will change cell phone number (it's on her name so I couldn't do it myself today) well this morning both my ***** of a sister in law and the POS called her cell phone she told them to not ever contact her again although they both think I'm an evil monster holding her hostage but whatever, she was short with them and right afterwards called me to tell me about the phone call.

She also set MC and IC for both of us next week!!!

I'm reading through the links you guys posted and will ask her to fill the questionaries, I know I have not been a good husband in some areas and want work on it!!!
 
#31 ·
I don't want to rain on your optimistic note , you were not present when she was called by the OM , you do not know what they said for all you know she and he made a detailed plan to go underground . While I commend your faith in your wife in her being honest with you I do ask that you do not lull yourself into a false recovery.

When she changes her phone she puts you on the plan so you can see her detailed bill.

Trust and verify , her talking to the OM is not in the trust part , next time assume he will contact her by some means and be ready to deal with him. Be cautiously optimistic , make the changes with yourself so as to remove any reason for her to stray again.
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