Hi Everyone, I have been on this site for quit awhile and finally decided to post! I'm at loss and any feed back is welcome!
I been married for about 10 years, we had ups and downs but I always been thinking we had a good marriage, wife had a 6 years relationship with someone else, I met her after their break up and two years later we got married. Through the years I could see that my wife was often depressed and would cry for no apparent reason, when I would ask her about it she should tell was cause she never really forgot her ex bf and how she still loved him, she was always open about it, we went to MC multiple times over this issue and every time I would think this time it will be ok... well apparently not!!!!! A few weeks ago I found out that she has been what I believe started as an EA and it may not be a PA, she does not deny it and tells me he is/was always the love of her life and that no matter what this time they not giving up on each other!!!! WTF!!!!!!!
Let me add this guy is bi polar, lives with his parents still and besides my wife has only had one gf all his life!!!!! I confronted him after find out and he had the nerve to tell me " she is mine and I'm fighting for her she is the love of my life" I just wanted to punch is romeo face, don't know how I controlled myself!!!!!
I'm enraged, hurt and still love my wife, I don't want to lose her to this POS!!!!
Any input is welcome!!!
PS - My nickname is my daughter's favourite bed time story.
I am sorry you are in this situation, it is not an easy one for sure, I know you are not going to like what I tell you, Your wife is an adult and as such, I doubt you have any power to change her mind.
IMHO there is no other course of action other then confronting her and presenting the options to her, either commit to your marriage, or you file for divorce imediatly and let her go.
Honestly I dont thing there is not much that you can do to change her mind, she needs to face the reality of breaking up her family over a fantasy that may very well blow up in her face, you need to protect yourself and your child
There is zero, nada, nothing that you can do. Let her go, its clear that this has been eating away at your relationship and even if she changed her mind would you ever believe her?!
You need to get on with your life, be strong, let her have her 'true love' but you can't continue a relationship with someone who isn't commited. Posted via Mobile Device
She will go back to him he obviously has issues move into his parents basement and then the dose of reality will sink in when its to late.
My wife with a guy she thinks is perfect yet she recently asked me for money to drive back from this guys house because she didnt have enough petrol nor did this guy have the money to give her because of his own problems.
I know what you mean about wanting to punch them square in the face I mean which guy wouldnt, but when you move on and find someone who is better for you her life will be the one turning upside down and life will seem to get that bit more brighter for you.
I know you don't want to hear this, but your whole marriage has been a lie. If you've been on this site and reading the various stories here, then you know that you cannot make her love you. She's been in love with this OM, her ex bf, your whole marriage, you were only her back up plan when she broke up with her ex bf. There's another thread on here that's very similar to yours right here.
In your case, your WW has admitted to you that she loved OM all along. I suspect that over the years you have already tried to compete with OM, by trying to show her you're the better man and all that, and it hasn't worked. You should also know that from reading stories here, that you cannot compete with the OM. She has long ago convinced herself that he is the love of her life, exactly what she told you.
You deserve to be married to woman who views YOU as the love of her life. Right now, you are only the steady guy she married who raises the children and pays the bills while she continues loving her OM. Now, you have to take steps to let her go, read up on the links in my signature, especially the one about "Just Let Them Go" my morituri.
Another thing, how sure are you that this is just an EA? From what you've said, this OM is in the local area since you've been able to confront him face to face. When two people are in love with each other this long, I sincerely doubt its not been a PA all along. This OM has been there in her heart your whole marriage so I have to say something else that you may not want to hear. Are you sure you're the father of your daughter? Have you had a paternity test done?
You deserve to have a faithful wife who only loves one man as her husband, YOU. You are no one's back up. You are no cuckold. You need to stop living in this hell of LIMBO. Letting her go is not losing to the OM, its about you letting go a WW who doesn't love you. You already know OM is a loser who lives in his parent's basement or whatever. You're already superior to him. Let her go, let her see the reality of what it's going to be like with him. It's time to tell her to leave and start the D process.
Why would you wish to stay married to a woman who clearly loves another man? If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would want to stay with you. Do not waste your time. Time to move on and find someone else who can truly commit and love you as a spouse. Good luck.
She needs to be told that if she wants to keep her family, she must cut this man out of her life. She is lost in the fantasy of who she thinks he is, not the reality that she cannot save him from himself. If she wants you, she has to write him a no contact letter. She has to be completely transparent with all of her communications and whereabouts to you. She has to show true remorse, and do everything she can to repair your marriage.
If she does not agree to these things, file the divorce papers. That is the only thing that will wake her up.
Fkn rights! If sh loves him so much, then tell her he can have him. And tell her to move out.
You would be surprised when you meet someone actuall into YOU, and don't have to deal with ths type of crap anymore. Posted via Mobile Device
Learn about doing the 180. It may be that once she has to actually face the reallity of divorce and a broken family she may come around. Of course this means she will probably be with the other man for at least a while. It may not work but looks like your only shot at getting him out of her mind.
Help her pack a bag and change the locks. Reality is a b!tch.
Find the 180, its actually for helping you move on but sometimes works to bring spouses back together. Most importantly make her leave, DO NOT LEAVE YOURSELF. She 's the one cheating. Do not let that loser in your house.
There are few things in life that are worse than marrying someone who sees you as the cheap imitation to the real thing. You have been playing the role of second-banana ever since you got involved with her. You are only there to pay the bills and play daddy daycare when she needs a break. No matter what you say or do, you will never, EVER get her to think of you in a better light than her ex. In her eyes, he can do no wrong and you're just the substitute teacher, the temp worker who fills in until the other person comes back; then it's to the back of recycle bin you go.
Is that what you want, my man? To spend the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder, wondering what she's up to? Wondering whether she's thinking of him when she's making love to you?
Dude, that's not living. Take it from me and several others here that got badly burned by a spouse who still held a torch for some blast from the past. This does not get better with time; it will only get worse. You cannot make a person love you so your only option is to let her go. Do not stay with a person who doesn't regard you with the same kind of love and passion as you see her. Find a gal who sees you as the hottest thing on two legs; they're out there. Few things are as satisfying as finding that person, having the ex try to come 'back home' after her fantasy with the OM falls apart, only for you to give that person the Heisman pose... Posted via Mobile Device
Get checked for STD,
Have Paternity Test,
Separate Finances quietly,
Spy up, VAR, key-logger, Phone Logs,
Lawyer Up,
Prepare mentally to Move On.
All the above. The paternity test will tell you much. Legally you will likely be on the hook no matter who the father is. I get that you love her no matter what. Not the point.
Be prepare to be told once this is all said and done that she is not yours ... even if she is. So best get that tested as the results work both ways for you. You need to know.
As back ward as this sound, stop begging for your marriage and get in the mind set that you are confident to give up your marriage if your WW continues.
The idea is to empower your self, crying and begging and showing this unconditional love you are empowering your WW to continue. So empower your self by being confident enought to give up you marriage, hopefully making your WW second guess her choices.
In order to pulll this off you must come to term in letting go of your marriage, b/c if she calls your bluff and you stick around your even more screwed.
Its all about additude and confidence, the tough love and the reality of you moving on with out her. Not saying you have to move on but her perseption of how serious you really are.
Be warned she may be so fogged in that the both of you could be sitting across from each other in divorce court before she gets it.
Thank you very much everyone who got back to me, I appreciate your advice and insight! This is such a mess, I'm so enraged!!!
I will try to answer all your points without missing any.
The POS lives 8 hours a way, I drove there, wife has a drivers license but does not have a car. Through the years I hired a PI multiple times, checked the computer, phone records you name it, everytime it was an issue I snooped to check if there were any contact, it never was. Two months ago we were where he lives for a wedding (wife's friend and also friend of the POS) that's where they reconnected, apparently he told wife how he never forgot her either, looked for her for years, loves her and this ****!!! Since then they been in contact by phone and cell phone.
About our children we have a daughter and son (twins) they are from a previous relationship I had, when I met wife I had full custody already, after we got married wife became their legal guardian. She is an awesome mom and the kids love her, she also takes very good care of the house, cleans, cooks, is great with money and is always there for us no matter when we need her. I love her to death and do not want to break our family.
This morning we talked and she begged me to work things out, that she wants to love me and not the OM but needs help, says she wants feel for me what she feels for him, she was also very scared of losing the kids, offered to go to MC and IC, whatever it takes she says!!!!
I don't know guys, help me out!!! Should I give it a chance????? I don't want to break my family but I no longer want this man in our marriage anymore!!!!
Thank you very much everyone who got back to me, I appreciate your advice and insight! This is such a mess, I'm so enraged!!!
I will try to answer all your points without missing any.
The POS lives 8 hours a way, I drove there, wife has a drivers license but does not have a car. Through the years I hired a PI multiple times, checked the computer, phone records you name it, everytime it was an issue I snooped to check if there were any contact, it never was. Two months ago we were where he lives for a wedding (wife's friend and also friend of the POS) that's where they reconnected, apparently he told wife how he never forgot her either, looked for her for years, loves her and this ****!!! Since then they been in contact by phone and cell phone.
About our children we have a daughter and son (twins) they are from a previous relationship I had, when I met wife I had full custody already, after we got married wife became their legal guardian. She is an awesome mom and the kids love her, she also takes very good care of the house, cleans, cooks, is great with money and is always there for us no matter when we need her. I love her to death and do not want to break our family.
This morning we talked and she begged me to work things out, that she wants to love me and not the OM but needs help, says she wants feel for me what she feels for him, she was also very scared of losing the kids, offered to go to MC and IC, whatever it takes she says!!!!
I don't know guys, help me out!!! Should I give it a chance????? I don't want to break my family but I no longer want this man in our marriage anymore!!!!
So she hooked up with her on the trip and now is in contact with him. You have to decide if that is a deal breaker for you or not. It would be for me, but that does not matter. What do you want?
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Wife, wants the love of her life....WTF 
