Also, EI is a great TAM contributor. And I think she is esteemed for having helped many even when she wrongly became the target of BH anger.
Good point @sidney2718
For a more balanced post, my second sentence should have read: "On TAM, in the vast majority of cases when WS 'crawl back', they seem to be doing it for self-serving purposes. . . but then maybe WS who are 100% remorseful don't post on here because they may be subject to vicious attacks."
I read through EI's thread.
you are an amazing lady. . . and to have stayed on TAM despite the vicious attacks. Sheesh! Your H is an amazing guy too.
Huge kudos to you both for R.
I hope there are many untold stories like yours and I wish you and your H all the best.
Thank you both, very much. I never looked ahead in my life and imagined receiving praise in relation to being a fWS. I never imagined being a WS, at all. It's not a label that I wear with pride. It will always be my greatest personal regret. I would strongly encourage anyone who is considering divorce, or even in the process of getting a one, to wait until the ink is dry on their divorce papers before getting involved with someone else. If, for any reason, you become involved in a situation that you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing with your parents, your siblings, your best friend, your co-workers, your neighbors, and most of all your spouse and your children, chances are, you shouldn't be in that situation.
You can't compartmentalize away your conscience, it follows you everywhere. You can turn away from your poor choices and choose not to be that person any longer, but you can't undo those choices, and you can't control the lasting effects that they might have on others. My therapist once told me that, on average, infidelity will have a negative impact on approximately 40 people. That seemed unrealistic until he helped me add it up. In our marriage, my decision to have an A, upon my husband's discovery, had an almost immediate and negative impact on at least 28 family members and close friends, who were all instrumental in helping us pick up the shattered pieces of our lives. And, that number doesn't even include TAM's Reconciliation thread 'regulars,' who were truly a godsend throughout the first year of our recovery.
When a BH, who is in obvious pain, approaches me on TAM with their questions, I try my best to answer them with compassion, but most importantly, with honesty, which can be difficult for a BH to hear, and can quite understandably rub some of them the wrong way. I'm never suggesting that the circumstances of my marriage mirror the circumstances of others, I'm merely sharing my story because it's the only one I have to share. The answers aren't pretty, because infidelity isn't pretty, but if I were to sugar coat my responses in order to spare their feelings, what would be the point of responding to them, at all?
My mindset shortly before, during, and in the first couple of months after my A, was far different than it is now. B1 and I openly shared our feelings on TAM along the way. I posted my first thread 2 1/2 weeks after D-Day, when I was still very much in the fog
. B1 posted his first thread 2 or 3 days later. Some days were extremely difficult for us and we shared it, some days we were not sure that we could make it work, and we shared it. Gradually, we began having some "okay" days, and we shared it. After a couple of months, we started to have some hope, happiness, and anticipation for our future, and we shared it.
The Reconciliation thread was a thread where both, BS's and WS's were offered practical advice, from everyone else's collective experience, as well as a compassionate heart. We didn't attack WS's or BS's who didn't conform to the TAM doctrine. We met them where they were, and as a result, we were all able to gain a tremendous amount of unfiltered insight from one another. The R thread was more instrumental in our recovery than our actual therapist was, although I do think he was, and remains, a very good counselor.
When a BS on TAM chooses to repeatedly
come at me in anger, I respond with less compassion and more defensiveness. I believe that I owe my husband, and our children, (who are all grown) my humility, my compassion, and my loyalty, but I do not owe my humility to an angry BS, who wants to take shots at me because they didn't get what they needed from their own WS. I didn't betray them
, I am not their WS, nor am I responsible for their WS's actions. If I allow an angry BS to take their anger out on me, then it can begin to have a negative impact on me and my interactions with my own family, which I cannot allow. To suggest that all WS's are motivated for the same reasons is as inaccurate as suggesting that all BS's are exactly the same. Every individual, and every marriage has it's own unique set of circumstances. If this forum is truly interested in helping people cope with infidelity,
then we need to be willing to meet them where they are when they arrive.
B1 and I were some of the lucky ones. We were able to benefit from so many of the wise and caring TAM members who were actively posting at the time. Many of of you are still here. Unfortunately, there are always a few posters in CWI who have no interest in helping any WS cope with infidelity, unless said WS is willing to stick to a very specific but, sometimes, inaccurate script.