I was not around when that thread was going, So, I was not privy to all the posts. But, as another poster mentioned, , she was foggy and, it seemed to me justifying. I guess if I had cheated, I would cut my spouse a lot of slack for past behavior, as I would view my own as equally egregious.
I was still very foggy
, and I was trying to justify my choices when I first started posting here. I think that's what most people tend to do when they have done something that is so egregious, in comparison to their values, they seek ways to justify it. I was extremely defensive and defiant, because I genuinely believed every word that I was saying, at that point. I had to find a way to come to terms with my actions, both during and immediately after my A, in order to live with myself.
That's why I have suggested that we need to try to meet people where they are, and not where we think they should be, when they arrive. Some people post their stories months, and even years, after the fact, when the dust has already settled, but when they are right in the middle of the storm, the view is much different.
B1 and I have both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves since that time, and we have both gone to great efforts (I don't even want to call it work) to be loving, compassionate, merciful, and forgiving spouses towards one another, as well. That part doesn't feel like work, anymore, it feels like a beautiful blessing to us that we now have a relationship that is more amazing than it ever was in the past.
We don't actually need to cut each other slack
for our past behavior, anymore, because we've already worked through it, and quite honestly, we don't live there, anymore. We live in the here and now. We'll always be cognizant of our history, but we truly do not dwell in it.