Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #151 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 11:29 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Speaking of coming crawling back, good to see you posting again @Philat

I was going thru my old thread recently and appreciated your advice at the time. Hope you are doing well.
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My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #152 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 11:31 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Well, that's been my story. My WS immediately tucked his tail and came home when his A was discovered. Not sure why our story is different but we have been married for 30 years/2 adult children. He has admittedly dealt with other women behind my back for 8 years, I believe it was a lot longer. He also confessed to flirting, texting, and phone calls to other women during that time. Anyway, now that he is back, I believe he has been no contact and hardly goes anywhere without me. He has been actively showing and professing his love for me the last 12 months like no other time in our marriage.
He has also confessed and come to terms with being a narcissist. He tells me he loves me, he's attracted to me, enjoys sex with me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Not sure what to make of it, but he wants sex all the time. I have been deeply hurt but I have not tried to persuade his feelings for me. I do know that his behavior now is in vast contradiction to his behavior during the affair.
I don't know what to believe, but we are still working on recovery, including counseling.

Still hyper-vigilant, untrusting, and deeply wounded.
Disposable ~

I got a shiver reading your post as I have been in your shoes. Married 33 years, 1 son 30 years old, STBX has been cheating since 2009, 4 attempts at reconciliation.

Your last sentence triggered a punch in my gut: "Still hyper-vigilant, untrusting and deeply wounded." Aren't those feelings killing you? How do you do it?

I will add that the difference with your H is that he is showing affection and he tells you he loves you. That is a good sign. My STBX was as cold as ice when he moved back home. It was such a farce.

Can you elaborate on your H admitting he was/is a narcissist?

I wish you the very best!

VH
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post #153 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 11:50 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I was not around when that thread was going, So, I was not privy to all the posts. But, as another poster mentioned, , she was foggy and, it seemed to me justifying. I guess if I had cheated, I would cut my spouse a lot of slack for past behavior, as I would view my own as equally egregious.
I was still very foggy, and I was trying to justify my choices when I first started posting here. I think that's what most people tend to do when they have done something that is so egregious, in comparison to their values, they seek ways to justify it. I was extremely defensive and defiant, because I genuinely believed every word that I was saying, at that point. I had to find a way to come to terms with my actions, both during and immediately after my A, in order to live with myself.

That's why I have suggested that we need to try to meet people where they are, and not where we think they should be, when they arrive. Some people post their stories months, and even years, after the fact, when the dust has already settled, but when they are right in the middle of the storm, the view is much different.

B1 and I have both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves since that time, and we have both gone to great efforts (I don't even want to call it work) to be loving, compassionate, merciful, and forgiving spouses towards one another, as well. That part doesn't feel like work, anymore, it feels like a beautiful blessing to us that we now have a relationship that is more amazing than it ever was in the past.

We don't actually need to cut each other slack for our past behavior, anymore, because we've already worked through it, and quite honestly, we don't live there, anymore. We live in the here and now. We'll always be cognizant of our history, but we truly do not dwell in it.
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post #154 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 12:18 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Why would they have photo albums of non-sexual nudity on TAM?
I was corrected on that just a few posts up. There were links, not photos hosted here.

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Hi, Larry. Point of clarification: The photos in question were in the Adamses' own extensive vacation photo albums, to which they provided links to a few TAM friends. Those few photos that could be considered nudies were actually quite modest. The photos were not in TAM-hosted albums.

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I assume that Mr. J Adams allowed her to put of the nude photos to give her so-called ego kibbles. Maybe he liked hearing people praise his wife for her looks.
They talked about being naturalists. I don't think there is more than that behind it.

Last edited by larry.gray; 03-14-2016 at 01:24 PM. Reason: Formatting codes corrected
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post #155 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 12:32 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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It sounds very cliche to say this on TAM, but our marriage truly was over before my A began, and we both knew it. I had worked very hard to save our marriage long before my A began, but B1 was not able to respond to my efforts, at that time, due to his (then) extremely low levels of Testosterone. Eventually, I gave up, told him of my plans to divorce him within the next two years, and told him that I would not wait for love if an opportunity came my way. B1 remained detached. And, just to be clear, I had not begun my A, nor did I have anyone in particular in mind. I had not yet even been in contact with the man who would soon become my AP. What I did not do was tell B1 when my A began. I had finally become detached, myself, and I no longer felt any respect or love for him, and I didn't feel a sense of obligation to welcome any potential unwanted conflict from B1, whose only genuine interest in me, at that point, was in maintaining the status quo.
As I've told you before, I could have walked down the road you went, but didn't only because of "resultant moral luck." No woman dangled the opportunity at the exact right time; before or after that I wouldn't have, but I was vulnerable to that at one point in time.

Reading what you just wrote does concern me about one of my wife's friends / coworkers. She is right now where you were prior to starting your affair. The similarities are very close. The same ages and even some of the same personal struggles. She's even said to others that "if the right man comes along I'm gone" to multiple people. Her husband doesn't seem to give a ****. I think he just assumes she'll never do anything because she hasn't up till now. I have suggested to my wife that she's primed for an affair, but my wife thinks "she's to moral for that."

If you have advice, I'm all ears.

Quote:
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I hope my responses have given you some clarity regarding your comments to my posts, Maxo. Our story is quite lengthy, and it has been told so many times on TAM, that I hesitate to keep re-telling it. But, when a new poster comes here and asks me questions, I can't really suggest that they go read through thousands of our old posts.
Have you considered doing a lengthy "my story" to put on your profile?
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post #156 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Maxo View Post
I was not around when that thread was going, So, I was not privy to all the posts. But, as another poster mentioned, , she was foggy and, it seemed to me justifying. I guess if I had cheated, I would cut my spouse a lot of slack for past behavior, as I would view my own as equally egregious.
Every marriage is different. And although affairs generally follow the same pattern, in E1's case she all but told B1 that she was done with the relationship and ready to move on. E1 always struck me as a Walkaway Wife who walked into the arms of her AP. Does that excuse her having the affair? No, and I think she will admit that. She could have divorced B1...she could have separated or kicked him out or done a lot of other things. I think she was in a bad emotional state, in a bad place overall, and in that bad state she made a series of bad decisions.

B1 offered her an olive branch, agreed to work on himself, his T issues, and his poor attitude.... and she responded in turn. She owned her sh!t, apologized to their kids and family, and took responsibility for her mistakes. They beat the odds and saved their marriage by working together.

We may not agree with their R. We may see what B1 did as rugsweeping. But at the end of the day, B1 and E1 compromised and came to their own agreement about what each of them needed, what they would not accept from each other, and what they would do for each other going forwards.

And for the record, I was one of those who came down on E1 very hard, so much so that she has never let me forget it. My goal wasn't to flog her or humiliate her, but to call her out on what I perceived was a lot of bullsh!t excuse-making there at the beginning.

But that is in the past. E1 and B1 are both very different people now, and E1 has become a valued contributor to this forum.
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post #157 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 12:38 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Fro my reading, I have found that a very high % of BSs have walked in EI's shoes during the marriage: lack of sex, lack of intimacy, trying like crazy to figure out how to fix things with little input from the WS.
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post #158 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
I had finally become detached, myself, and I no longer felt any respect or love for him
E1 this is the only part of your story that I don't buy.

You may have perceived that you felt this way, but I believe there was always an ember of love for B1 glowing deep underneath all the ashes.

All it required was some gentle stoking by him to get it to glow, and then the two of you added the tinder together and got the fire going again.

I think that is why it is so tragic that so many Wayward Spouses won't do the hard work to re-stoke the fire of their love for their BSs. Fear, shame and pride: the reconciliation killers. E1 somehow reached down inside herself and found a way to bypass those roadblocks and make her way back to loving her husband.
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post #159 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Maxo View Post
Fro my reading, I have found that a very high % of BSs have walked in EI's shoes during the marriage: lack of sex, lack of intimacy, trying like crazy to figure out how to fix things with little input from the WS.
I would say that probably 40% to 50% of most affairs occur when either one or both of the partners are neglecting the relationship or neglecting each other's needs.

Most of the really penitent waywards I have seen are shocked when, after some MC, they realize that they were just as neglectful towards their BS's needs. The other 50% of cheaters cheat because they want to, or they have sh!t for boundaries...
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post #160 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 01:00 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I would say that probably 40% to 50% of most affairs occur when either one or both of the partners are neglecting the relationship or neglecting each other's needs.

Most of the really penitent waywards I have seen are shocked when, after some MC, they realize that they were just as neglectful towards their BS's needs.
The million dollar question then @bandit.45 is why didn't the BS cheat when confronted with the same neglect?


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #161 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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The million dollar question then @bandit.45 is why didn't the BS cheat when confronted with the same neglect?
Well that's the million dollar question! And if you choose correctly, you also take home this complete set of Ginsu kitchen knives!
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post #162 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Well that's the million dollar question! And if you choose correctly, you also take home this complete set of Ginsu kitchen knives!
Well since you threw in the knives I'll give it a shot - one word - CHARACTER!!!!

Now where's my million bucks and my knives??????

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #163 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 01:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Now where's my million bucks and my knives??????
Huh?
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post #164 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Huh?
I answered the question correction..so i want my knives lol

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #165 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I answered the question correction..so i want my knives lol
What knives? I don't know what you are talking about....
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