Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Bandit .45 caliber (.45 seconds to call it a bear, call for a beer) quote:

"My question to you all is...are we doing a disservice to the newbie BSs who come on to TAM asking for our advice when we tell them something like this?"

"It just seems like we are stetting them up for disappointment."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is a dis-service if that is the message and it seems to be the message [perception is reality]. True, the crawling-back part is rarely guaranteed by TAM, [newbie rookies advisors may spout it erringly].

When employed, it is often couched "as a possible" outcome. And that is good. Push it as a possibility.

Why?-------> We know the WAW, WS, WW, WH, will {likely not} come back when stuck with the barbed cattle prods of TAM pro advisors, viz., The 180, hit the WS with D-Papers, Expose, Expose, etc.

If we tell the BS's up-front, at the onset THAT ALL ACTION BY THEM IS FUTILE and HE/SHE ain't coming back, then they [often] will not go through with the 180 or the serving of D- papers and exposure.

Oh yeah baby, the TAM pros cloud the help seekers a tad and for good reasons. TAMer's know the drill, how these things OFTEN unfold. TAM pros can shorten the [grieving, anger, anxiety] process and get things going in the [hopefully] right direction.

Bandit. There is a term called closure. You must have closure if you ever hope to get over your grief and anxiety. Knowing the spouse may feel guilt is a good thing. What better thing could happen to a BS then when a WS comes a-beggin.

TAMers give Hope that this MIGHT happen. Temper that hope with honest disclaimers and not in small print. Many cannot read small-print. There are a lot of skimmers in this world. They can't see the forest for the trees, or the words spelled out in a blog. Grief and anxiety exacerbate and encourage word skimming by da-readers.....

Hope is good!


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 03-09-2016 at 06:43 PM. Reason: typo
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post #17 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:40 PM
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They don't typically come crawling back, but most do eventually put out feelers from what I've read and heard. Once the affair ends they want their old familiar life back. A counselor-in-training friend actually said that to me the other day. She works with troubled teens, but I'm guessing she's studied the topic a little from a human behavior standpoint.

My ex tried to call me last week, so I changed my number. That ship sailed a long time ago.
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post #18 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:49 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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They don't typically come crawling back, but most do eventually put out feelers from what I've read and heard. Once the affair ends they want their old familiar life back. A counselor-in-training friend actually said that to me the other day. She works with troubled teens, but I'm guessing she's studied the topic a little from a human behavior standpoint.

My ex tried to call me last week, so I changed my number. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Yup.
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post #19 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 07:00 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I haven't counted them, this is purely anecdotal.

More often than not it seems like there are many BS who accept back the WS but often those terms are set by the WS. I can't think of many/any where the BS has laid out conditions where the WS agrees to them all.

What comes to mind is the thread from a couple years ago, couple was separated geographically due to work, gentleman was in Europe with the kids, wife in the States enjoying her "freedom". She laid out when she was ending the affair, when she was returning to the family, dictated the whole "reconciliation"

I also wonder, again, purely anecdotal, it seems to me the wife, be she betrayed or wayward, seems to set the tone as to reconcile, divorce, or status quo.
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My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #20 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 07:15 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

If a BS improves and starts living well, the WS often, gets envious and angry, or start to genuinely come out of Lala land and see their AP isn't all that great and want what they threw away.

Both still incredibly selfish responses.

If the BS goes south and spirals downwards, the WS either feels a pang of sorrow but may or may not return or feels justified in choosing their AP.

Often anyway.
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post #21 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 07:15 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

In my case, I have been unceremoniously "hosed" by adultery twice. Guess I'm just a damned glutton for punishment or the world's foremost fool!

Since having had the good fortune to find my way over here to TAM, I have only advocated the horrible truth of my experiences as a BS in both of my marriages! As always, I try to present my opinions in the most humorous way possible! I'd much rather sense someones laughter or smiles much rather than their tears, but am amply equipped to deal with the latter!
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And although I am quite prejudiced in my expositions, I do not always advocate hasty separation and divorce as everyone's infidelity case dossier usually always contains either certain variations on their very own case of betrayal, or even a whole new and different set of facts!

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post #22 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 07:34 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Many people here and elsewhere have told me that when my ex's "relationship" with the woman he left me for crashes and burns, he'll come crawling back. I've maintained from the beginning that I don't believe that'll ever happen. See, she isn't going to allow it to crash and burn. She'd have to be dragged away from him kicking and screaming with her teeth marks still in him if he tried to end it, and he's the type who will put up with just about any kind of psychosis imaginable as long as he's getting sex regularly. She thinks she landed herself a real prize. It took me 27 years to realize he's a narcissist - I doubt she'll get clued in on that any time soon.

The closest he came to any real remorse was lamenting a few months ago that he was sorry he lied to me and didn't leave honorably. He's not sorry about the affair or continuing to live with her 10 minutes away from my house. If he's sorry about the upheaval he's caused to our son's life, he hasn't said so. I don't think he realizes he has. Since our son isn't openly hostile towards him and fairly willingly spends time with him, he thinks he's doing just fine. I know he does, because he says all the time without my asking, "He's doing just fine." It doesn't concern him that he hasn't told his friends we're divorced yet (he was always gone for work when he lived here, so they haven't thought anything of his absence when they come over, and 13-year-old boys don't notice things like a lack of men's belongings around the house lately).

I do think it's possible that when I finally start seeing someone again, he'll be jealous. But not out of any actual love for me. He'll just be annoyed that all evidence points to my no longer pining away for him anymore and having moved on.
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post #23 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 07:50 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I'm not sure if I am allowed to post in other threads but the quoted bit describes what I believe is going to happen in my case to the T.
As we say "She'll be right" - taken literally.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomorebeans View Post
Many people here and elsewhere have told me that when my ex's "relationship" with the woman he left me for crashes and burns, he'll come crawling back. I've maintained from the beginning that I don't believe that'll ever happen. See, she isn't going to allow it to crash and burn. She'd have to be dragged away from him kicking and screaming with her teeth marks still in him if he tried to end it, and he's the type who will put up with just about any kind of psychosis imaginable as long as he's getting sex regularly. She thinks she landed herself a real prize. It took me 27 years to realize he's a narcissist - I doubt she'll get clued in on that any time soon.

The closest he came to any real remorse was lamenting a few months ago that he was sorry he lied to me and didn't leave honorably. He's not sorry about the affair or continuing to live with her 10 minutes away from my house. If he's sorry about the upheaval he's caused to our son's life, he hasn't said so. I don't think he realizes he has. Since our son isn't openly hostile towards him and fairly willingly spends time with him, he thinks he's doing just fine. I know he does, because he says all the time without my asking, "He's doing just fine." It doesn't concern him that he hasn't told his friends we're divorced yet (he was always gone for work when he lived here, so they haven't thought anything of his absence when they come over, and 13-year-old boys don't notice things like a lack of men's belongings around the house lately).

I do think it's possible that when I finally start seeing someone again, he'll be jealous. But not out of any actual love for me. He'll just be annoyed that all evidence points to my no longer pining away for him anymore and having moved on.
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post #24 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Hantei View Post
I'm not sure if I am allowed to post in other threads but the quoted bit describes what I believe is going to happen in my case to the T.
As we say "She'll be right" - taken literally.
I've heard that term. An Aussie friend told me it means "you're fvcked..."
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post #25 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 10:14 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

While the he/she will come crawling back when affairland falls apart it can lead to false hope but it can also be a warning to be ready in case they do try.

Usually if the script is followed by the time affairs end the WS has done so much other damage with the lies and rewriting of history that it makes it near impossible to "come clean" and try to return whether they want to or not. On day one does the BS grasp onto false hope? Yes probably. How long the BS holds onto the hope is up to them.

I know in my case everyone told me she would crawl back, half told me with the intention of hope, half as a warning. Heck even the OM told my friends a week before he tossed her when he was going to do it, not to feed my hope but to get ready in case the freakshow came back.

One of the other Tam standards is you will find someone better and be much happier. Nobody knows this for sure but it's intended to make people feel better at the time.


Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #26 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 10:24 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Nomorebeans View Post

The closest he came to any real remorse was lamenting a few months ago that he was sorry he lied to me and didn't leave honorably. And the only reason he's sharing that is to relieve HIS conscience, which is classic narcissist behavior, assuming a narcissist has one. He's not sorry about the affair or continuing to live with her 10 minutes away from my house. If he's sorry about the upheaval he's caused to our son's life, he hasn't said so. I don't think he realizes he has. Since our son isn't openly hostile towards him and fairly willingly spends time with him, he thinks he's doing just fine. I know he does, because he says all the time without my asking, "He's doing just fine." It doesn't concern him that he hasn't told his friends we're divorced yet (he was always gone for work when he lived here, so they haven't thought anything of his absence when they come over, and 13-year-old boys don't notice things like a lack of men's belongings around the house lately).

I do think it's possible that when I finally start seeing someone again, he'll be jealous. But not out of any actual love for me. He'll just be annoyed that all evidence points to my no longer pining away for him anymore and having moved on. Like a classic narcissist, if you're not serving him, he'll just get pissed and blame you for not playing the game his way.
Sad, isn't it, that something remotely resembling remorse is really still just all about him?
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post #27 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 10:26 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by honcho View Post
While the he/she will come crawling back when affairland falls apart it can lead to false hope but it can also be a warning to be ready in case they do try.

Usually if the script is followed by the time affairs end the WS has done so much other damage with the lies and rewriting of history that it makes it near impossible to "come clean" and try to return whether they want to or not. Yes and the really sad thing is that, no matter how much we may not have much empathy for the OM or OW, by the time the affair ends the OW/OM may have been damaged by the bull shyte our f-ed up spouse or former spouse may have visited on themOn day one does the BS grasp onto false hope? Yes probably. How long the BS holds onto the hope is up to them.

I know in my case everyone told me she would crawl back, half told me with the intention of hope, half as a warning. Heck even the OM told my friends a week before he tossed her when he was going to do it, not to feed my hope but to get ready in case the freakshow came back.

One of the other Tam standards is you will find someone better and be much happier. Nobody knows this for sure but it's intended to make people feel better at the time.
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post #28 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 10:42 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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From what I have seen, 99% of the wayward spouses who do eventually break off their affairs and come back to their BSs do so only because they got thrown under the bus by their AP, and have no other options, and even then their willingness to work on reconciliation is conditional:
From what I've seen, its not the WS that wants to come crawling back. Its typically the BS wanting them back (because they are beautiful and they love them so much) and seeking and receiving advice to "blow up the affair" via various methods so they'll "come out of the fog" and mosey back home because the BS wants to R.
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post #29 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 10:55 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I agree it is mostly a pipe dream scenario.....despite the fact that my cheating LTgf did exactly this 8 months after I gave her the boot.

I told her to go pound sand.

I had ZERO interest in giving a disgusting traitor a second chance.

THAT is something I always have a hard time understanding.

I always try to support what a BS says they want and offer the best advice I can on how to have the best chance of getting R if they say its their goal.

But, on a personal level, I can't understand for the life of me WHY they would want such a horror show back for their partner.
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post #30 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 12:16 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I think usually it is given as a warning. If you do these things and put consequences on your WS, chances are their AP is going to dump them. Then your WS has no good options but to come crawling back in the hopes you're dumb enough to take him/her back. You're their meal ticket. When their fantasy blows up they'll get a bit desperate.
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