Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 01:11 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

In my personal life, I know of two cases where the WS came back (one man, one woman). But it was many years later when they realized what a mess they made of out everything. In both cases, the BS had moved on, remarried and not a chance in hell in taking their WS back.

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post #32 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 04:37 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Rarely.

A few maybe but for the most part if it does survive it's a roommate existence.

You pour water on a nice warm fire good luck getting it relit. That's for the WS as well as the BS.

The dynamics can never be the same again except for maybe a small %.
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post #33 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 05:23 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Rather than give a BS any possible false hope about the WS, my preference is to stay focused on what the BS can DO.

Just because a WS may "come back" (for any reason) does not mean they have to be taken back.

If we as contributors do our part, (as I see it anyway), the BS learn to become less codependent and capable of making their own rational choice, with eyes unclouded by all the heightened emotions that usually direct people to what they WISH, not always what IS.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #34 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 05:50 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
I think usually it is given as a warning. If you do these things and put consequences on your WS, chances are their AP is going to dump them. Then your WS has no good options but to come crawling back in the hopes you're dumb enough to take him/her back. You're their meal ticket. When their fantasy blows up they'll get a bit desperate.
This exactly. I say it as a forewarning in case they don't have the resistance.

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post #35 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 06:01 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

i agree with you, Bandit. They will come crawling back is like women's romantic fiction. There is a particular ending that appeals to people. Crawling back suggests enlightenment. The wayward spouse realizes that they made a mistake; they thought they could live without the betrayed spouse but they couldn't.

But what exactly couldn't they live without?

Financial security? The partners smell? They way there look when they laugh? Going to the kids sports competitions together in the SUV?

To begin with there are all sorts of affairs and all sorts of people.

If Honcho or GoodGuy's ex come crawling back, so what. That is just a new annoying mind game.

Acoa's wife would probably crawl back but so what? She would still be broken inside.

Road Scholar reconciled but his wife begged him not to divorce but still refused to crawl. She had to actually reduce the narcissistic traits of her character for him to accept her. His disapproval became the stick, his approval the carrot. In this sort of reconciliation, the wayward knows that any repeat transgression will lead directly to divorce. This the happy ending, they value their spouse highly for their qualities.

I don't believe, for example, that Hillary Clinton took her husband Bill back because he crawled. He was serial cheater. She took him back because divorce would have ruined the image they constructed together.

If Bill had regrets, they were probably that he didn't have hotter women. Hillary's emotional relationship with Huma Abedin is way more important to her psychologically than the business alliance she has with Bill. If Bill or Hillary crawl back after cheating, they are still liars. If a liar sincerely crawls, it is often more pathetic than moving.
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post #36 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 06:24 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I think we get fewer success stories than what happens. If 35% of couples reconcile, the record at sites like this is pretty poor. I think that is because most people hit the ceiling, throw the cheater out and the real world isn't so warm and fuzzy.

The problem here is how long it takes to get the BS to quit nicing their cheating spouse back. Let's face it, after the first couple of pages you can tell who is going to make it and who has no chance.

If 35% of couples reconcile but 45% of women reconcile, does that mean only about 15-20% of men will reconcile with a cheating wife?

I have read 80% of couples WISH they would have stayed together and worked it out.

Bandi, didn't your wife want to reconcile? My fiance and i did, but it was never the same and i cut her loose two years out.
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post #37 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 08:28 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Well, my serial cheating ex never hinted at coming back. I'm not surprised since he honestly is incapable of admitting any fault. Would I have taken him back-NO. But based on reading here, I was waiting for an attempt on his part. His own emotional baggage clearly prevented it.

so yes, I agree, telling BS that the WS "will" come crawling back is a disservice. The truth is that reconciliation is rare, not the norm.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #38 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 08:44 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
If 35% of couples reconcile but 45% of women reconcile, does that mean only about 15-20% of men will reconcile with a cheating wife?
My take on the men, based anecdotally, is that only 15-20% of the men reconcile because the woman is no longer in to them and not interested in reconciliation; hence their often proposed "conditions" that make it impossible.
Just because a spouse returns after sowing a few post marriage oats doesn't mean she now has realized you were really the cats pajamas. Often times youre nothing more than a familiar place to hang their hat.
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post #39 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 08:51 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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so yes, I agree, telling BS that the WS "will" come crawling back is a disservice. The truth is that reconciliation is rare, not the norm.
Reconciliation is rare, but the WS making some attempt at coming back is not. In Private Lies, Dr. Pittman says that in the majority of cases it is the BS that gets the final decision. Reconciliation is rare because by the time the WS makes any kind of effort the BS has moved on. In cases where the WS does not make an attempt, I'd say it's very possible that the BS has already telegraphed that they're done, so the WS doesn't see a point.

It's important that the BS be prepared in case the WS does make an attempt to come back. As has been stated, more often than not they are not sincere in their motives. They just want back what is familiar to them. The BS must lay down the law or they're setting themselves up for a false recovery. I've seen so many instances of false recovery it's scary.

Seeking out the familiar is human nature. We need to be careful not to give false hope, but we also need to prepare people for the possibilities.
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post #40 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

The way I would put it if it were happening to my buddy is this:

Listen man, if you want to get her back, your one shot is to cut her loose, stop funding her affair, and make reality sink in as soon as possible. Tell close friends and family what's happening. Call a lawyer. While moving on yourself - try to think positively, be open to life, eat well, excercise, be good to your kids. And maybe she'll come around. 1% odds are better than 0% odds while begging and pleading.

And if you don't want her back, the path looks pretty much the same.
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post #41 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I think the whole idea is simply a variant of the romantic comedy formula, combined with many peoples desire for validation and vindication as a type of closure.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
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post #42 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 09:45 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I think the whole idea is simply a variant of the romantic comedy formula, combined with many peoples desire for validation and vindication as a type of closure.
So why have I seen it so many times?

In real life?
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post #43 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

My take on this is that if the BS acts quickly/decisively and does all the things that are usually recommended by most at TAM they are really setting the stage for D not R, and that situation is unlikely to have the WS coming back. IMO if a BS really wants their WS to come begging to be taken back they probably need to take a different approach which sets the stage that R is possible. I know my XWW will never come groveling and ask me to take her back simply because she knows that option just isn't on the table, so why would she or any other sane person waste her time. If I had wanted her back and approached things differently, following some of the advice from @jld , I could easily see my XWW trying to R.
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post #44 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 09:58 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
My take on this is that if the BS acts quickly/decisively and does all the things that are usually recommended by most at TAM they are really setting the stage for D not R, and that situation is unlikely to have the WS coming back. IMO if a BS really wants their WS to come begging to be taken back they probably need to take a different approach which sets the stage that R is possible. I know my XWW will never come groveling and ask me to take her back simply because she knows that option just isn't on the table, so why would she or any other sane person waste her time. If I had wanted her back and approached things differently, following some of the advice from @jld , I could easily see my XWW trying to R.
The three cases I mention about the wayward wanting to come back were all a result of the betrayed one acting decisively.

The couple I've seen where they didn't all were long drawn out affairs, and one even found a new affair partner when the first one ended it -- during the "temporary separation" because of "needing space" and the betrayed spouse tearfully gave it.
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post #45 of 590 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 09:59 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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So why have I seen it so many times?

In real life?
Seen what? The WS who comes back truly repentant after seeing the error of their ways, and is truly changed at their core?

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
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