Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 39 - Talk About Marriage
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post #571 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:21 AM
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If the WS wants true R... It's still up to the BS what is right for them. There are many variables that people should consider.

No matter what, kids play a factor. But a cheater with no kids involved and before marriage (as we've seen recently) it's easier to move on. The recent story from the 35yr old woman whose boyfriend moved from East coast to be with her. He kept the EA going thousands of miles away and other childish things that made him a bad catch.
If it was a stupid drunk one night stand and he came to her begging... Then the chances for R would have been a lot higher.

If my wayward came begging and had the same issues as before, I wouldn't have taken her back. Today she is a better "wife", mother, person, than the time before. So far, the drinking is under control.. she and everyone proud of that. She started drinking at 14. When we dated and married (but not when pregnant) she'd drink several times a day... Months before the affair, it was almost daily. During the affair it was morning and nightly drinking.

Being sober and enjoying life has been a huge difference. We didn't drink or go out on NYE...

It's work to do R. But so is marriage.

We communicate better today than ever before... And with that, we still learn more about each other by doing so.

When there is violence or continued lying going on... Don't R. Everything must be on the table.

She has had to apologize to her family for the drama she has caused, lying to them as well. Like saying it wasn't an affair and I was being controlling, a jerk, etc. They were SO MAD at me for accusing her of cheating and exposing her to everyone.

The affair sucked big time. But I'm a better person from it. She is a better woman from the lessons. Our son has better parents who are together and working on staying that way.

I'm thankful for the wife I have today. I would have likely divorced her anyway without the affair because of her drinking and drug use.

I enjoyed dating around and such. I'd say she only had a few more weeks left before I would not have given her a chance.

She has done a lot to prove herself. I've been honest and told her that I doubt she'll ever reach 100% trust with me. Is it possible?

And with betrayal, do we ever trust another human being again?

I believe in divorce as has been said by others here. The WS can prove themselves later.

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post #572 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:45 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

About the LAST thing on earth I'd accept - or desire - is a cheating spouse who left me to be with their 'soul mate,' got dumped (or found out that life with their soul mate wasn't exactly the Nirvana they were expecting), then suddenly decided they wanted to come back home.

When BS's post about this happening to them, I never encourage them to wait around for their cheater to come crawling back to them. I do warn them that sometimes they'll be an option or Plan B for said cheater if their "happily ever after'' with the affair partner blows up in their face and suddenly, the WS is sweet talking the BS looking to come back home.

I just see NO self respect or pride at all in a BS who'd take back someone of this low caliber.
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post #573 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Just being in a relationship with someone who hasn't abused YOU is better in my opinion. Actually being alone and not being with someone who has abused you is better, again in my opinion. I never believed I had to be in a relationship to have a fulfilling life, and for a long time I wasn't. Now that I am married is my life more fulfilling? absolutely, however if my wife cheated on me it would no longer be.

Plus read around on these boards, the people who move on are almost always happier then the people who stayed. At least the BS who stayed. The people who stay suffer for the rest of their lives to some extent. Even if they do finally get over it, it takes years and years. They almost all say they don't trust their SO's anymore, and for logical reason. These could be years spent on building a new relationship with someone that could be trusted.

The people who move on mostly find other loves and there WS is a distant memory that has very little power over them anymore. You meet someone new in a few years and all the power your WS had over you is gone forever, even if the new person doesn't work out. I know because I lived it. I think for most finding new love makes the power that your ex's infidelity had in your life go away. Then after experience this you are a much stronger person for it.

Anyway I have never been a "the devil you know" kind of guy. Maybe there is an Angel around the corner just waiting for you, and you are holding on to this crappy devil.



Being with a person who abused you is different from being betrayed. Just my opinion. Being alone is up to the individual, I have several friends who have never married nor wanted any part of marriage. To each their own. If your wife does cheat on you, you are correct that even if you reconcile the marriage will be different. But if you choose reconciliation, why would you want the old marriage back? There are things from your old marriage that you do want, but you need to grow as a person to cultivate those things to be better then before. If we use communication as an example, you have to change to communicate in a better way, be more specific and not withhold your true feelings. If you had playful banter in your old marriage, you may want that to remain in the new marriage. Both spouses have to come to an agreement to communicate no matter if pleasurable, difficult, or even if you feel the other may get hurt, communication is key along with the tone of what is said.

I have read mostly the private and coping with infidelity sections. These two sections pertain to me what I need from TAM. Some admittedly have said they could never reconcile, some say they chose reconciliation, and some divorce for reasons combined from both. Infidelity is a beast, along with divorce and reconciliation. None of it is easy, and if it is, rug sweeping comes to mind. So in essence reconciliation does take years, as does healing, as does we all heal at our own pace. It takes time to rebuild trust in your spouse, it takes time to be vulnerable to your spouse. Trust most likely will never be what it was for me, but then again I blindly trusted my wife which was wrong of me to do. You could possibly try to have a new relationship with someone new, but they may also commit adultery, you never know.

Power of a wayward spouse is actually given by the betrayed spouse. My wife has no power over me, I chose to allow her to have power. This is something I've learned a great deal about in individual therapy. I give the power to bs depressed during the months of my wife's affair. It's not her placing power over me to be depressed, I gave it that power by choice. Because of individual therapy I just had the best holiday season I've had in a long time, and it's because I chose that my wife's affair timing would not keep me down.

An angel may be waiting around the corner or me, or the devil could be waiting, but honestly I think I'm with my angel now. I can't say I would be better off divorced, I didn't choose that route to really know, I can say that because I've grown and my wife has grown we are better as a couple. We have both worked very hard to get to this point, and little by little we take strides to recover fully.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #574 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

[QUOTE=TaDor;17141817]She has done a lot to prove herself. I've been honest and told her that I doubt she'll ever reach 100% trust with me. Is it possible?

I am older and more cynical. I believe that NO ONE can be trusted 100%. That is why lots of BSs delay investigation in the face of red flag after red flag. They simply cannot accept that their spouse is capable of cheating.
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post #575 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

For me after being cheated on complete trust wasn't a factor because I will never trust anyone completely again. I believe in trust but verify. If my wife cheated I would be surprised but not shocked. You never no.

It it happened my feeling is no one gets to treat me with such disrespect and continue to be in a relationship with me. It just isn't worth it to me, their loss, I believe I am a good catch for any woman. I have watched family and friends move on from cheating and they all are better for it. I was too. I really believe there are two types of people in the world those who can cheat and those who can't. As you can tell I don't put much value in people who cheat as far as romantic relationships go. I mean it when I say they are useless in a relationship as far as what I value in one. I have very close friends and family and am quite content.

I come from a very rough childhood and the most valuable thing that my marriage provides me with is the feeling of emotional contentment and safety. Cheating would take away the very thing I love about it. I also have absolutely no doubt I could find that with someone else, and if not I would just be alone.
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post #576 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

@She'sStillGotIt : I'd still look at it on a case by case basis.

Unfortunately, as human beings we're all somewhat predictable. Medicated drugs and booze was a major factor on her side, my codependency and lack of communication was mine. Circumstances lead to our situation and from there - wife's actions and words were text-book cheating. People here predicted very well what she would do. And looking at the other posts, my wife did what others have done before or after her. Its like a club.

My wife didn't get dumped and crawl back to me. We had a good honest talk, but at that point - I put it on her to do the work and make things right. Her fog lifted enough to finally start seeing reality, then she did research on her own behavior which she THOUGHT I was just making up or whatever. She looked at the data, the articles on her own...

I think some people should leave bad marriages. And it is easier somewhat to go alone (and some should) but its work to do R. I told her IT WOULD BE WORK and if she is up to the challenge. She said yes, she was willing to finally DO the work.

So I gave her the last chance. We have a ways to go, but otherwise we are easily a stronger couple today than we were 12 months before her affair.

For the 3 of us (Our toddler son) - it was worth it. We are enjoying sharing our time with our son together, rather than the 2 months of co-parenting that we experienced... that is a huge difference.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #577 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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post #578 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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@She'sStillGotIt : I'd still look at it on a case by case basis.

Unfortunately, as human beings we're all somewhat predictable. Medicated drugs and booze was a major factor on her side, my codependency and lack of communication was mine. Circumstances lead to our situation and from there - wife's actions and words were text-book cheating. People here predicted very well what she would do. And looking at the other posts, my wife did what others have done before or after her. Its like a club.

My wife didn't get dumped and crawl back to me. We had a good honest talk, but at that point - I put it on her to do the work and make things right. Her fog lifted enough to finally start seeing reality, then she did research on her own behavior which she THOUGHT I was just making up or whatever. She looked at the data, the articles on her own...

I think some people should leave bad marriages. And it is easier somewhat to go alone (and some should) but its work to do R. I told her IT WOULD BE WORK and if she is up to the challenge. She said yes, she was willing to finally DO the work.

So I gave her the last chance. We have a ways to go, but otherwise we are easily a stronger couple today than we were 12 months before her affair.

For the 3 of us (Our toddler son) - it was worth it. We are enjoying sharing our time with our son together, rather than the 2 months of co-parenting that we experienced... that is a huge difference.


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post #579 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Absolutely.



Men must learn the signs and how to figure out what is going on long before cheating. If we do, then we likely will be able to make an informed decision rather than having guilty hindsight, resentment and anger issues.



I just don't know if that is possible or how to do it. Wish I did. I'd share.


The internet make it so easy to cheat! Cross talking through reviews, Live video cams, uberhorney.com, soooo many social sites and aps help people hide and encrypt! I hate it! Where is the beautiful love and desire NOT to step out? Marriage vows seem to be a joke now a days. So many people selfish! Cunning and baffling! Can I trust again?


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post #580 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Absolutely.



Men must learn the signs and how to figure out what is going on long before cheating. If we do, then we likely will be able to make an informed decision rather than having guilty hindsight, resentment and anger issues.



I just don't know if that is possible or how to do it. Wish I did. I'd share.


The internet makes it so easy to cheat! Cross talking through reviews, Live video cams, uberhorney.com, soooo many social sites and aps help people hide and encrypt! I hate it! Where is the beautiful love and desire NOT to step out? Marriage vows seem to be a joke now a days. So many people selfish! Cunning and baffling! Can I trust again? "I Am Love" stop stepping on me!


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post #581 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 11:21 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I believe a woman has made up her mind that she does not love her spouse long before she has had an ongoing affair.

I believe she made up her mind before she started seriously talking to other men like she was ready to date, curious, interested, horny, and/or aroused by him. This is long before sex.

Therefore, I believe the best chance for a successful reconciliation is before the affair, and best attempted before she gets flirty with other men.

Teaching men to recognize the signs and realize their marriage is in jeopardy is very important. Also, teaching men how to learn to look at themselves with humility and their wives with perspective is very important.

How? Don't know.

Self awareness and really listening to her and paying attention to if our actions follow our words is vital.
I'm not buying this 100% for everyone's situation

My XWW didn't make up her mind until after she met OM. The changes in her happened after as well, not before. I don't think cheating ever crossed her mind. The emotional energy she focused on OM, was simultaneously removed from us and our marriage. This was when she began withdraw and in her mind, our marriage began to look less and less exciting to her. This change in her was instantly noticeable and I reacted immediately but was lied to and was consistently reassured that are marriage was great and she loved me. Which leads me to the second point.

I wasn't and am still not a mind reader. I don't know any men that are. When I sat down with my wife and ask her direct questions, I was expecting honest answers...right? When you have been lied to, mis-lead and actually told that they love you and everything is great within your marriage, you believe them.

Self awareness, listening to her, and paying attention...seriously? I was the only one that was and frankly, this sounds like the blame-shifting I got after I found out the truth. She did what she did because she saw something new and sparkly, and she wanted it. It's that simple.

Some WW's are masters at hiding any signs and even better at lying. You can't defend against that until it's too late...all you can do is react.
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post #582 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I'm not buying this 100% for everyone's situation

My XWW didn't make up her mind until after she met OM. The changes in her happened after as well, not before. I don't think cheating ever crossed her mind. The emotional energy she focused on OM, was simultaneously removed from us and our marriage. This was when she began withdraw and in her mind, our marriage began to look less and less exciting to her. This change in her was instantly noticeable and I reacted immediately but was lied to and was consistently reassured that are marriage was great and she loved me. Which leads me to the second point.

If you are sure she is a liar, how do you know she didn't have her mind made up to find someone, before she met the guy she wanted to bed?

We can make up our mind to do something, like buy a car. Then, we start looking at different cars. Taking them for a test drive and getting estimates. Once we find the right one, we sign the papers.



I wasn't and am still not a mind reader. I don't know any men that are. When I sat down with my wife and ask her direct questions, I was expecting honest answers...right? When you have been lied to, mis-lead and actually told that they love you and everything is great within your marriage, you believe them.

So, you don't know that she made up her mind after, but it's what a liar told you? In reference to the first paragraph.

I agree that I believed my second wife because I wanted to believe I didn't make a mistake. After all, I had my pride to deal with. Even when it was in front of my face, I let the memory go and told myself I must have just been mistaken. She loves me. She wouldn't do that. Hell, I couldn't. How could she? She isn't me. That's how.



Self awareness, listening to her, and paying attention...seriously? I was the only one that was and frankly, this sounds like the blame-shifting I got after I found out the truth. She did what she did because she saw something new and sparkly, and she wanted it. It's that simple.

So, if you knew that you were weak and disbelieving, if you knew you needed proof and some talk with her would allow you to get that, you would have been better off? If so, then you would have been more self-aware and attempted to avoid going into denial, by using face to face conversation, like you state here that helped.

I don't give a reason for her or anyone's wife doing what she did. I just state how we might be able to help ourselves. Disagreeing is valid. I give you a response because I think you want it, and I don't mind helping out. Plus, you seem to have gotten some things confused.


Some WW's are masters at hiding any signs and even better at lying. You can't defend against that until it's too late...all you can do is react.
I agree. If you are saying that there is not one way to figure things out for everyone, I agree. If you are saying that my thoughts won't work for anyone, I disagree.

I guess you figured there was one answer for everyone? No, there isn't. I wish there was. We and our spouses are all different, but in many ways we are also similar.

Reacting is a hell of a way to live. Living proactively seems like a better choice. We do the best we can to live proactively. I'm pretty sure you do that now, since the divorce or you would not be here.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #583 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

2ntnuf, You seemed to think there was one answer for everyone. I was the one that disagreed with you.

I was not looking for a response, especially one that picks apart every word that is out of context with the actual story. I don't have time to argue or explain to you things you did not experience...My marriage, XWW and subsequent divorce. You know nothing about my story or history as a husband and a father. I was stating and disagreed with the points you made based on my experience, what I went through and what I learned. I don't need you questioning my conclusions just because they are at odds with yours, and certainly don't appreciate being called weak and disbelieving.

You might want to consider that a lot of people here have done tons of introspection since those dark days days, and may have learned something...based on their own experience.

Oh, by the way. When you are blindsided, you have no choice but to be reactionary.
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post #584 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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2ntnuf, You seemed to think there was one answer for everyone. I was the one that disagreed with you.

I was not looking for a response, especially one that picks apart every word that is out of context with the actual story. I don't have time to argue or explain to you things you did not experience...My marriage, XWW and subsequent divorce. You know nothing about my story or history as a husband and a father. I was stating and disagreed with the points you made based on my experience, what I went through and what I learned. I don't need you questioning my conclusions just because they are at odds with yours, and certainly don't appreciate being called weak and disbelieving.

You might want to consider that a lot of people here have done tons of introspection since those dark days days, and may have learned something...based on their own experience.

Oh, by the way. When you are blindsided, you have no choice but to be reactionary.
Generally, what I posted is all you can do. What you can do specifically, or anyone else, depends on your personal knowledge, self growth and abilities.

I guess you don't figure that everyone is different? That's why what I posted was so very general and vague. From there, you surely will have a better chance. I believe you will have a better chance the next time, if there is one. Simply due to the fact you have learned some things about yourself. That's just exactly what I posted above.

I don't get it. Do you have a chip on your shoulder?

If you didn't expect a response, why quote me? Why not just post your opinion without regard to anyone's previous posts? Others do that, too. I don't understand why they don't realize what they are doing, either, and then get angry when they get a response they don't like?

Does everyone think they have a right to refute another without challenge? Odd as hell.

I don't ask for you or anyone else to believe me solely or do as I say. If you feel or believe that, you are sadly mistaken, and maybe a little bit less self-confident than you thought?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #585 of 590 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I'm not buying this 100% for everyone's situationShe did what she did because she saw something new and sparkly, and she wanted it. It's that simple.

Some WW's are masters at hiding any signs and even better at lying. You can't defend against that until it's too late...all you can do is react.
Yeah... and then they get MAD AT YOU for being angry and being controlling as to WHO they can see.

Mine also did the "you should have sex with other women" during this phase (Also typical) when I was trying to save our marriage in 2015.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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