Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 1923Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 16,879
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Rather than give a BS any possible false hope about the WS, my preference is to stay focused on what the BS can DO.

Just because a WS may "come back" (for any reason) does not mean they have to be taken back.

If we as contributors do our part, (as I see it anyway), the BS learn to become less codependent and capable of making their own rational choice, with eyes unclouded by all the heightened emotions that usually direct people to what they WISH, not always what IS.
This. Our goal should be to help the BS re-gain their self worth and emotional independence. If their marriage is saved and their WS is truly repentant and remorseful, so much the better.

But as many here are saying, once the BS regains their sense of self, they rarely want the wayward back.

bandit.45 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 11:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 538
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

One my employees was divorced for 5 years and remarried his ex. That was about 10 years ago and they seem happy. I haven't poked around in asking questions but he never made mention of an affair on either side and I've never seen any anger or bitterness that would indicate anything like that happened.

My ex keeps trying to either reconcile or be "friends" but I miss her like a wart and so I'm not even talking to her to find out what she's really after. 2 weeks ago she invited me on vacation with her and the kids. WTF
I want nothing to do with her.
cbnero is offline  
post #48 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 11:37 AM
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 11,398
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePheonix View Post
My take on the men, based anecdotally, is that only 15-20% of the men reconcile because the woman is no longer in to them and not interested in reconciliation; hence their often proposed "conditions" that make it impossible.
Just because a spouse returns after sowing a few post marriage oats doesn't mean she now has realized you were really the cats pajamas. Often times youre nothing more than a familiar place to hang their hat.
I think when women cheat they are likely done but many are 't. I think men are less likely to forgive cheating and blow it up out of the gate.
Chaparral is offline  
post #49 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 11:58 AM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,504
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by samyeagar View Post
Seen what? The WS who comes back truly repentant after seeing the error of their ways, and is truly changed at their core?
I can't see into their soul and I'm pretty jaded about people really changing.

However I have seen some pretty repentant spouses who want their marriage back.

After they're done getting their rocks off or their affair partner dumps them... Or their spouse moves on, of course.
Posted via Mobile Device
marduk is offline  
post #50 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 12:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5,594
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by marduk View Post
I can't see into their soul and I'm pretty jaded about people really changing.

However I have seen some pretty repentant spouses who want their marriage back.

After they're done getting their rocks off or their affair partner dumps them... Or their spouse moves on, of course.
Posted via Mobile Device
I'm pretty jaded about it too.

I took the original post by bandit to be more along the lines af the WS coming back to the BS with something along the lines of...queue the soft, slow, yet dramatic music...I'm so sorry. I never really realized what I had until I thought it was gone forever but now I do, and all the blah blah crap that follows.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
samyeagar is offline  
post #51 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 12:18 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 11,679
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
My take on this is that if the BS acts quickly/decisively and does all the things that are usually recommended by most at TAM they are really setting the stage for D not R, and that situation is unlikely to have the WS coming back. IMO if a BS really wants their WS to come begging to be taken back they probably need to take a different approach which sets the stage that R is possible. I know my XWW will never come groveling and ask me to take her back simply because she knows that option just isn't on the table, so why would she or any other sane person waste her time. If I had wanted her back and approached things differently, following some of the advice from @jld , I could easily see my XWW trying to R.
Depends on how far you take it, IMO.

If, for example, a given BS opts to file for divorce right out of the gate (and especially prior to confronting w/ knowledge of the affair), then yeah... that will likely lead to an actual divorce.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, though.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #52 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 12:21 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,504
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by samyeagar View Post
I'm pretty jaded about it too.

I took the original post by bandit to be more along the lines af the WS coming back to the BS with something along the lines of...queue the soft, slow, yet dramatic music...I'm so sorry. I never really realized what I had until I thought it was gone forever but now I do, and all the blah blah crap that follows.
My favorite was with one of my buddies... Found out his wife was sleeping with one of his best friends.

She was out of the house right away (into a condo nearby that he found for her), realtors were looking at the house, and she had signed a separation agreement with fair terms regarding custody of the kids, etc. She all signed it happily because she thought her affair partner was going to leave his wife and she had a new shag pad to **** him in without interference.

And then, he left for Hawaii for a week. With a random girl he picked up at the bar. He told me it went something like "listen, I'm going through a divorce, want a free trip to Hawaii for a week?"

I don't even know that he touched her -- for all I know, he got her a separate room. Or screwed her brains out, I don't know.

But what I do know is that the week he was gone, her affair partner decided that leaving his wife wasn't such a good idea after all (after my buddy called up his wife). Suddenly, my buddies wife was alone, her husband was in Hawaii with some PYT, and she was being summarily dumped by two guys.

And then she came over to our house sobbing to my wife about "why won't he even try to save our marriage! I want him back so bad!"

And my wife laughed at her and said "I guess you shouldn't have ****ed his best friend then." Or some such thing. She tried to make it more compassionate than it sounds but that was the message. His wife tried to make it out like she had been confused the whole time, and it was the other guy that convinced her to have the affair... But I finally had enough and just said that she made her bed and she's going to have to lie in it. And that was that.

About a year later we ran into her, and she looked like she had aged 10 years. Living in her small condo, part time custody of her kids, very lonely. It was sad.

Her husband started his own business that took off, got a new girlfriend who adores him, and has a big ranch outside of town for his kids to come to and ride horses when he has them.

She still talks about wanting him back, but that isn't going to ever happen.
marduk is offline  
post #53 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 12:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,926
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

We have small number statistics on forums like this, so we can't strictly assume that what we are seeing here is representative of the whole. It could be, certainly, or it could be that places like TAM attract certain types of people. Whatever the reality, we can't know at this point whether we can extrapolate what we learn here in terms of statistical average, likelihood, etc.

That being said, I'm going to extrapolate - with the caveat that my data come from mostly from infidelity forums.

Re bandit's interesting question - I don't think they often come crawling back. I think the cheaters usually have at least one foot out the door when the A is outed and the WS's calculations if they 'crawl back' are mostly based on things other than deep, rediscovered love for the BS.

I think that what we see is that the WS often wants to stay or come home, but, as so many have said, the BS often eventually reaches that plain of lethal flatness where he/she is the one who is checked out.

It's all a process that I think TAM helps people navigate. We don't generally push people to believe things that are unrealistic, I don't think. I think rather we give them information and support to cope with the crisis they are experiencing. Maybe they will negotiate the curve quicker and smarter. Maybe their pain will be lessened. Maybe they will recover their pride quicker. We hope that they will.

Of the stories I've read over the years, it seems rare to me that they come crawling back emotionally. They often do, however, come back in ways that allow the BS to recover some dignity and eventually decide that the WS isn't all that and probably isn't worth a long-term commitment.
alte Dame is offline  
post #54 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 01:44 PM
Member
 
PhillyGuy13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Not Philly
Posts: 2,754
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by marduk View Post
My favorite was with one of my buddies... Found out his wife was sleeping with one of his best friends.

She was out of the house right away (into a condo nearby that he found for her), realtors were looking at the house, and she had signed a separation agreement with fair terms regarding custody of the kids, etc. She all signed it happily because she thought her affair partner was going to leave his wife and she had a new shag pad to **** him in without interference.

And then, he left for Hawaii for a week. With a random girl he picked up at the bar. He told me it went something like "listen, I'm going through a divorce, want a free trip to Hawaii for a week?"

I don't even know that he touched her -- for all I know, he got her a separate room. Or screwed her brains out, I don't know.

But what I do know is that the week he was gone, her affair partner decided that leaving his wife wasn't such a good idea after all (after my buddy called up his wife). Suddenly, my buddies wife was alone, her husband was in Hawaii with some PYT, and she was being summarily dumped by two guys.

And then she came over to our house sobbing to my wife about "why won't he even try to save our marriage! I want him back so bad!"

And my wife laughed at her and said "I guess you shouldn't have ****ed his best friend then." Or some such thing. She tried to make it more compassionate than it sounds but that was the message. His wife tried to make it out like she had been confused the whole time, and it was the other guy that convinced her to have the affair... But I finally had enough and just said that she made her bed and she's going to have to lie in it. And that was that.

About a year later we ran into her, and she looked like she had aged 10 years. Living in her small condo, part time custody of her kids, very lonely. It was sad.

Her husband started his own business that took off, got a new girlfriend who adores him, and has a big ranch outside of town for his kids to come to and ride horses when he has them.

She still talks about wanting him back, but that isn't going to ever happen.
I always chuckle at the "I was confused" excuse. Hmmm I didn't think that was my husband's penis, but didn't know for sure. Whoops!
Posted via Mobile Device

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
PhillyGuy13 is offline  
post #55 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 02:11 PM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,463
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
It's all a process that I think TAM helps people navigate. We don't generally push people to believe things that are unrealistic, I don't think. I think rather we give them information and support to cope with the crisis they are experiencing. Maybe they will negotiate the curve quicker and smarter. Maybe their pain will be lessened. Maybe they will recover their pride quicker. We hope that they will.
I think where we sometimes go wrong, if that is the way to put it, is we have seen this tv series before. So when the newbie BS shows up we already know the plot lines which are most likely. We jump to the last 5 minutes of the show. But the BS is sitting there dazed and confused in the first 30 seconds wondering wtf just happened and who is this person they're married to?

Not that we're giving bad information or bad advice, but maybe we need to provide more context and slow down just a bit. Like when we say do the 180 or expose and file for divorce. We know why those are good strategies, but the BS without the explanations may see it as an extreme measure.

Thor is offline  
post #56 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:00 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,504
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhillyGuy13 View Post
I always chuckle at the "I was confused" excuse. Hmmm I didn't think that was my husband's penis, but didn't know for sure. Whoops!
Posted via Mobile Device
I think it's more than that.

I don't think we're any one thing, and I don't think we have as total a control of our cognition as we think we do. I think it's entirely possible to make an error in judgement which allows a flirtation to be thought of as innocent. Which then causes a cascade of events which leads up to a flooding of hormones by our lymbic system which makes us really want to **** someone that isn't our spouse.

Yes, they still decided to and thought it made sense at the time.

And then the hormones go away because reality sinks in and then it's "what was I thinking" time.

Which is also why I think it's so important to make decisions based on reason rather than emotion.
Posted via Mobile Device
marduk is offline  
post #57 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:17 PM
Member
 
sidney2718's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 2,200
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by joannacroc View Post
To be fair, some of them probably don't and may have been deeply unhappy due to a profound fault in their spouse, but it was their choice to cheat. I will never buy into the whole "I did it because x y z" mentality. At the end of the day, there isn't really an excuse. It boggles the mind that the OM or OM never seems to question what kind of s&*(y person would cheat on their spouse with them. Maybe they manipulate. Or maybe they genuinely believe the reasons they give themselves that justify their cheating. Meh. Whatever. At the end of the day, does it really make a difference?
What about people who cheat who have absolutely no intention of leaving their spouse and so they avoid affairs that show emotional involvement?
sidney2718 is offline  
post #58 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:18 PM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,800
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
My question to you all is...are we doing a disservice to the newbie BSs who come on to TAM asking for our advice when we tell them something like this?

It just seems like we are stetting them up for disappointment.
When I tell newbies, "they will come crawling back" I always clarify "in order to plan B you!" My ex tried to do it with me and fortunately I was able to see right through her pathetic, "I want my family back" routine. I remember it vividly, she was sobbing uncontrollably in my kitchen and the whole thing was just a complete farce. Thanks to TAM, I knew what she was doing.

95% of cheaters are only sorry they got caught and that's a conservative number. Too many BS still try so hard to see the good in their WS no matter have much EVIL they have done. If you're willing to stab your spouse in the back so vicious and callously despite the years together, and them being the parent of your child(ren), then the odds of you being truely remorseful about it later are just incredibly remote.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-10-2016 at 03:33 PM.
BetrayedDad is offline  
post #59 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:25 PM
Member
 
sidney2718's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 2,200
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
I think when women cheat they are likely done but many are 't. I think men are less likely to forgive cheating and blow it up out of the gate.
We've seen this. It is far more common on TAM for a BW to take a WH back, at least for a while. And some of those reconciliations seem to work out.
sidney2718 is offline  
post #60 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:30 PM
Member
 
sidney2718's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 2,200
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
I think where we sometimes go wrong, if that is the way to put it, is we have seen this tv series before. So when the newbie BS shows up we already know the plot lines which are most likely. We jump to the last 5 minutes of the show. But the BS is sitting there dazed and confused in the first 30 seconds wondering wtf just happened and who is this person they're married to?

Not that we're giving bad information or bad advice, but maybe we need to provide more context and slow down just a bit. Like when we say do the 180 or expose and file for divorce. We know why those are good strategies, but the BS without the explanations may see it as an extreme measure.
AMEN!

And we rarely have the whole story right off, especially if the BS is more of a lemon than a diamond.
sidney2718 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
"I want my husband back" was said to me Augusto Coping with Infidelity 300 02-15-2016 02:52 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome