Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
One my employees was divorced for 5 years and remarried his ex. That was about 10 years ago and they seem happy. I haven't poked around in asking questions but he never made mention of an affair on either side and I've never seen any anger or bitterness that would indicate anything like that happened.

My ex keeps trying to either reconcile or be "friends" but I miss her like a wart and so I'm not even talking to her to find out what she's really after. 2 weeks ago she invited me on vacation with her and the kids. WTF
I want nothing to do with her.
I have had similar overtures but once I learned about Cluster Bs, I realized what she was doing.

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post #62 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I think it's more than that.

I don't think we're any one thing, and I don't think we have as total a control of our cognition as we think we do. I think it's entirely possible to make an error in judgement which allows a flirtation to be thought of as innocent. Which then causes a cascade of events which leads up to a flooding of hormones by our lymbic system which makes us really want to **** someone that isn't our spouse.

Yes, they still decided to and thought it made sense at the time.

And then the hormones go away because reality sinks in and then it's "what was I thinking" time.

Which is also why I think it's so important to make decisions based on reason rather than emotion.
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I disagree. There are too many conscious decisions made pre_ hormonal flooding for it to be inadvertent.
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post #63 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I disagree. There are too many conscious decisions made pre_ hormonal flooding for it to be inadvertent.
I'm not disagreeing with you.

I'm expressing why some of the confusion might be genuine when the fog lifts.

Because I've seen it close up and some of it seems genuine.
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post #64 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:56 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

We can't help who we are attracted to.

But every decision we make after that is a conscious and intentional one.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #65 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by sidney2718 View Post
AMEN!

And we rarely have the whole story right off, especially if the BS is more of a lemon than a diamond.
And, it is highly doubtful you will get a fair and accurate portrayal of the. BS from a cheater, someone already demonstrating a high level of dishonesty as well as being highly invested in justifyi g both to outsiders and him or herself.
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post #66 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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My question to you all is...are we doing a disservice to the newbie BSs who come on to TAM asking for our advice when we tell them something like this?

It just seems like we are stetting them up for disappointment.
We do a disservice anytime we generalize. All we can do is speak from our experience. I also think the phrase 'crawl back' is loaded.

We know from experience that sometimes the WS wants to return, sometimes they don't. Sometimes the BS wants them to come back, sometimes they don't. The truth is nobody can tell what will happen.

When a WS does want to return, I would venture to guess it's not genuine. Would my WS want to get back with me? At one point I would say yes. Especially early on. Now that some time has passed, I think she is less interested. Perhaps it's just that she knows I'm not interested so she doesn't play that game any longer.

I also think it's rare that they 'crawl back', and that term isn't a good term. I wouldn't take back my ex, but if she came back crawling and begging and in tears it would be especially repulsive. It would indicated the depths of her manipulative behavior.

What would be exceptionally rare and almost inconceivable would be a WS accepting responsibility for what they did. Expressing with clarity that they were selfish and showing understanding of why they cheated. Then wishing the BS all the happiness in the world, fully understanding that it won't be with them because of the pain their shared history would bring.
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post #67 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 04:16 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Which then causes a cascade of events which leads up to a flooding of hormones by our lymbic system which makes us really want to **** someone that isn't our spouse.
And with most of the chicks I've known, ain't nothing that will cause the lymbic system to produce an inordinately low level of hormones than going back to the same man you've lost romantic interest in.
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post #68 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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And with most of the chicks I've known, ain't nothing that will cause the lymbic system to produce an inordinately low level of hormones than going back to the same man you've lost romantic interest in.
Unless the man happens to hit the jackpot. Then the harmones go into overdrive on account of the lymbic system shutting down in favour of the goldig system.
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post #69 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 04:39 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Seen what? The WS who comes back truly repentant after seeing the error of their ways, and is truly changed at their core?
In the cases I cited in my personal life, I'd say 1 of 2.

No for the WH. He'd cheated many times on his OW / new wife. He's still scum. He has propositioned family members.

The WW really did change. But she went so far down a bad road reconcilliation wouldn't be possible even if the BH were single in the future. I can't see taking back an ex wife who's done a significant portion of the towns' men and sold her body for drugs. Plus the drama angle... his ex wife's OM was ex wife's sister's husband. BH married OMW / fSIL. Now that they've raised the blended family and the kids hate both waywards, I can't see reconciliation working for them either.
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post #70 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 04:58 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Unless the man happens to hit the jackpot. Then the harmones go into overdrive on account of the lymbic system shutting down in favour of the goldig system.
Hypergamy is ever present.

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post #71 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 05:10 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Maybe this will not fit into this thread so please forgive me.

This february was One Year "anniversary" of my break up with ex-fiance. Damn we even wanted to start with children right away.

I told her I would never forgive cheating no matter if we are 5 or 50 years together and she knew what I think about that but she do it anyways. She is still contacting me,sometimes even asking how do I feel but I let my new Lady to answer on those questions.

I am happy when I see other people working together after betrayel and I will support them but I really hate when a wrong husband or wife starts to blame others for their actions. What is even worse a damaged spouse will do anything to keep the cheating H/W. So at the end I really ask myself is it worth ?

Sometimes it is much easier to start all over again. You dont have to sleep with one open eye or ask yourself a questions where is she/he,what are they doing ...

Also people are using to much excuses for cheating like mid life crisis. My grandmother never knew about this stuff but she never cheated. People used to have respect and love for each other.

Now you can see in group of friends,wife making laugh at her husband and puting him down or husband doing the same. It is "normal" and they even laugh about it on facebook and other sites.

I wish you the best TAM members.
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post #72 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 06:01 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by sidney2718 View Post
What about people who cheat who have absolutely no intention of leaving their spouse and so they avoid affairs that show emotional involvement?
I'm not sure I understand what yr question is based on what I said before this. Help me out? What about them in what context?
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post #73 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 06:16 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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And, it is highly doubtful you will get a fair and accurate portrayal of the. BS from a cheater, someone already demonstrating a high level of dishonesty as well as being highly invested in justifyi g both to outsiders and him or herself.
Right. Which is why most here read the OP's postings very carefully. It is the only insight into the WS that we have.
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post #74 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 06:20 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by joannacroc View Post
I'm not sure I understand what yr question is based on what I said before this. Help me out? What about them in what context?
It is a group that we have not mentioned in this discussion of infidelity.
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post #75 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 06:36 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by sidney2718 View Post
What about people who cheat who have absolutely no intention of leaving their spouse and so they avoid affairs that show emotional involvement?
You mean, hypothetically, would such a remorseless person, once their affair was discovered, try to come crawling back to their spouse? I would think it would be mostly annoyance at having their cake eating uncovered that might cause them to make some kind of overture, to save face with their own family or kids or community? But who knows. I remember a woman on TAM whose STBXH actually expected her to lend him her car to help the OW house, or something to that effect. It seems really common for WS to somehow feel there was a justification, so maybe that's why we don't hear a lot about people who crawl back?
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