Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 07:48 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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If Honcho or GoodGuy's ex come crawling back, so what. That is just a new annoying mind game.
*Shudder*

My ex didn't crawl back but did try the "can we talk?" bit with me about a month before the divorce was final. I shut that crap down faster than Conrad could blink.
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post #77 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 07:54 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

@bandit.45 I think the goal is to help any BS make their final decision out of strength and not fear. I think real R is rare, and when it does occur - great but in many cases all R means is "there was really no other options in my life so I stayed" or "I'm stuck here due to kids, money, etc" - when a spouse has a LTA that means they repeatedly lied, deceived and disrespected you and the whole family - coming back from that would be very hard especially if the affair went on for years.

Also the BS needs to ask themselves my WS cheated for 2, 3,5 years or more - what am I getting back exactly??? Someone who is capable of such a massive amount of betrayal all for their own pleasure? And at the end of the day that is what affairs are about - the WS's ability to get pleasure outside of their marriage. Someone who cheats for years has zero respect for their spouse or the marriage - how do you even get back your basic level of respect for them?

BS need to repair themselves first and then decide what they want....but in many cases the WS could care less and is already on to their next distraction...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

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post #78 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 08:34 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Not at all.

Just that BSs should never plan on the WS to come "crawling back or "grovelling" for forgiveness. I honestly cannot remember the most recent thread on TAM where such behavior actually occurred.
How many of us boldly said LUVs wife would be crawling back and Her and POSOM would crash and burn

Some of us still said it even when LUV said himself they would be together for th long hall

I think we just want to believe it

55

Endeavor to persevere for your love and happiness

Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #79 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 08:48 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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You mean, hypothetically, would such a remorseless person, once their affair was discovered, try to come crawling back to their spouse? I would think it would be mostly annoyance at having their cake eating uncovered that might cause them to make some kind of overture, to save face with their own family or kids or community? But who knows. I remember a woman on TAM whose STBXH actually expected her to lend him her car to help the OW house, or something to that effect. It seems really common for WS to somehow feel there was a justification, so maybe that's why we don't hear a lot about people who crawl back?
Yes.

My view of divorce, infidelity, and life in general is different than the views of most of those here. TAM has a group of "Laws" that are not, in fact, laws at least in my opinion. First among those is that there is never any justification for infidelity. While this is true most of the time, every case is different.

Worse, infidelity is often (but not always) preceded by some serious strains in the marriage. Some of those strains leave a spouse seriously open to being sexually taken advantage of.

To me, the worst aspect of infidelity is not that a spouse has been physically "defiled", but that trust is broken. And it is. And the breaking of the trust ruins the marriage.

Now since about 50% of marriages and relationships end in divorce or separation and (I'm guessing here) half of those are due to infidelity, we need to understand BEFORE we enter into a relationship that there is a serious chance that infidelity will occur.

But caught up in the hormonal swirl of marriage, we don't think of it. But then, years later, when we discover infidelity we are shocked, shocked!

Here at TAM we've made some attempts to discuss the causes of infidelity and in fact have made some progress. But there are those who consider infidelity a character defect that cannot be fixed. We can give you a heart transplant but we can't fix infidelity.

I don't believe that. Which explains some of the stands that I take.

When my children (all girls, by the way) I impressed on them the point that they had two ways to live. One was to make their own way in the world. The other was to find a man willing to support them for life. That sounds crass, but there it is. They chose to find their own way in the world and have made marriages in which they feel equal in every way to their husbands.

I believe that all children should be raised with the understanding that sh!t happens and that they need to be prepared for it. This isn't a Walt Disney world, and never was.
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post #80 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 10:39 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I feel it is extremely rare that a person capable of lying with such aplomb, for so long and with no outward manifestation of discomfort or lessened functioning changes.
As was mentioned, the sheer volume of lies and the duration in LTAs boggles the mind of a person with even modest levels of empathy or even a diminished conscience.
Couple that with the cruelty most often displayed after discovery, the complete lack of concern for their AP' spouse and kids( and the cheater cannot even rationalize hurting these folks by conjuring up some offenses or greivances, as they do not even know them) and you have fairly well defined sociopathic behavior.
With divorce so readily and easily available these days, there is no need to go this route and hurt others in order to pursue sex.
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post #81 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 10:52 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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What about people who cheat who have absolutely no intention of leaving their spouse and so they avoid affairs that show emotional involvement?
I suspect most of those people don't get caught.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #82 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 11:14 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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How many of us boldly said LUVs wife would be crawling back and Her and POSOM would crash and burn

Some of us still said it even when LUV said himself they would be together for th long hall

I think we just want to believe it

55
Can't say much cos I myself am not out of it yet.

But I believe telling the BSs that improving their lives in the hope that their WS will come "crawling" back is a balm to the bruised ego. Soothes the burn. Downside is that it make them hang on to the past for far too long.

My advice is to go in with zero expectations and come out a winner regardless of what happens. But that's just me I suppose, I work well under the assumption that life's gone to sh!te and I need to claw my way to the top again - can't get much worse than that.
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post #83 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-10-2016, 11:41 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Can't say much cos I myself am not out of it yet.

But I believe telling the BSs that improving their lives in the hope that their WS will come "crawling" back is a balm to the bruised ego. Soothes the burn. Downside is that it make them hang on to the past for far too long.

My advice is to go in with zero expectations and come out a winner regardless of what happens. But that's just me I suppose, I work well under the assumption that life's gone to sh!te and I need to claw my way to the top again - can't get much worse than that.
It becomes so ewhat easier to take risks that may improve your life when you come to the realization that nothing, except something bad happening to your kids or othrr loved ones, can ever hurt you this much again.
I live with no fear, kind of like Jeff Bridges in "Fearless" after he survived a plane crash.
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post #84 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I guess the more I read, and step back and look at the totality of all the anecdotes over the years, the more I am convinced that the only time that true lasting reconciliation occurs is when the betrayed spouse files for divorce, ends the marriage, and then puts as much distance between themselves and the WS as they can. After a few years, if an xWS has truly done a lot of soul searching and hard work on themselves, and is honestly repentant and remorseful, a new relationship can be created if the BS wishes it. But this is so rare...as rare as being struck by lightning.

This is why I am not an advocate of reconciliation, because more often than not, the betrayed spouse is being manipulated, and once the WS has them back in their web, they go back to the same old behaviors. I would hazard to guess this is the case 95% of the time. The majority of WSs just cannot do it...they cannot commit to digging deep and making the lasting changes in themselves to keep from straying again. A visit to the Wayward section of SI is replete with WSs who give lip service to wanting to change to save their marriage, yet the minute they are told by their BS that they are getting divorced?.....crickets. You never see another post from that person again ... and it shows you little resolve most of them really had.

E1 and B1, Mr. and Mrs. John Adams, are among the very rare married couples who have come on TAM who would represent this extremely minuscule minority of successful Rs. But their marriages were rebuilt because in both cases the WS owned their sh!t and recommitted to saving their relationships.

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post #85 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
In my case, I have been unceremoniously "hosed" by adultery twice. Guess I'm just a damned glutton for punishment or the world's foremost fool!

Since having had the good fortune to find my way over here to TAM, I have only advocated the horrible truth of my experiences as a BS in both of my marriages! As always, I try to present my opinions in the most humorous way possible! I'd much rather sense someones laughter or smiles much rather than their tears, but am amply equipped to deal with the latter!
.
And although I am quite prejudiced in my expositions, I do not always advocate hasty separation and divorce as everyone's infidelity case dossier usually always contains either certain variations on their very own case of betrayal, or even a whole new and different set of facts!

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Good post. I agree.

Humor [laughter] is the best medicine.

I chuckle a lot when I type; make a lot of typo's and Freudian Slips under the cognizant horizon; under the guise of directing my response to the aggrieved. I heal myself in the outpouring and the adhoc unfolding process that could be creative writing! TMI


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #86 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

[QUOTE=bandit.45;15174121 a new relationship can be created if the BS wishes it. But this is so rare...as rare as being struck by lightning.


The odds of being struck by lightening in one's lifetime are 1 in 3000.

If one lives in the mountains or works in the mountains, the odds seem to go up substantially. I am sure playing golf in the desert [when a storm approaches] would up your odds, you are the tallest structure around. Other areas, I'm sure up the odds..... living in flat terrain^ ?

So what ! ?

The odds of R go way up when the BS has untoward, abundant forgiveness. Or maybe has insecurities, is co-dependent. When balanced on some "marital scale", where one side of the scale notes the weight of the good or desirous things in a marriage and the other side the heft of the bad aspects, some BS's do rug-sweep.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #87 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Many of us have been following your thread "I've been played".

What is happening? Did you bail? Are you still in detective mode?

We have not given up on you.

She [WS] has not either. Oh yea, she is swimming on the surface of your pool, while you enjoy(ed) the depths. You thought she was next to you down there. Not so. It was her shadow that accompanied you in that dark warm place in your marriage these last years.

Change is not always bad. Let this play out, crap....you have no choice!

You can still steer a sinking ship to shore.

She may surprise you once this wayward whale breaks surface.

"Thar she blows". Do you harpoon her, kill her off and sell her blubber and oil? Do you curse her, as did AHAB? Or do you jump on her back and return to the depths that your heart ever-so-much desires.

How strong is your love?

You decide, and not quickly. Give her a chance to right-her-ship. She may refuse and just bow out.

Likely she will flounder, belly up, then down, then down the road. Your foot may advance that journey for her.

Let your mind decide, and your heart agree on this one. You need both to cope.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #88 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 03:04 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
Also the BS needs to ask themselves my WS cheated for 2, 3,5 years or more - what am I getting back exactly??? Someone who is capable of such a massive amount of betrayal all for their own pleasure? And at the end of the day that is what affairs are about - the WS's ability to get pleasure outside of their marriage. Someone who cheats for years has zero respect for their spouse or the marriage - how do you even get back your basic level of respect for them?
Exactly. A couple of things where investing more into has little chance of success is stock in a bankrupt corporation and time in a morally bankrupt marital partner.
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post #89 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Exactly. A couple of things where investing more into has little chance of success is stock in a bankrupt corporation and time in a bankrupt marital partner.
Is R possible after an LTA - sure but man it has to be rare - a person who is capable of betraying you again and again and again is not a great risk...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #90 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 06:23 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Is R possible after an LTA - sure but man it has to be rare - a person who is capable of betraying you again and again and again is not a great risk...
It's up to each individual to decide if a WS who had an LTA is worth the risk. Many would say that a spouse who neglected, rejected, humiliated, demoralized, emotionally abandoned, and unilaterally decided that their marriage would forevermore remain sexless, all while both parties were only in their mid-40's, was not a great risk.

In extreme cases like these, it would appear that neither party was a great risk. Yet, in at least one case, and in many more, I suspect, both spouses decided that their partner was very much worth the risk. Four years later, and we could not be any happier that we decided to take a risk on one another. When truly Coping with Infidelity, the facts, all of the facts, matter.

This WS didn't crawl back, nor did my BS do any version of the pick me dance, (which no BS should EVER do) and there was no RA. We each worked on ourselves, first, while demonstrating compassion for one another. When we finally started working together, not necessarily with the intention of R, but instead, simply trying to survive the extremely painful ordeal we were experiencing, we realized what we were now capable of having together, and we both ran to each other. We still do. B1 is my anchor in the storm. I make waves, and he keeps us grounded. It works!

Last edited by EI; 03-13-2016 at 08:48 AM.
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