Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #91 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 07:26 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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It becomes so ewhat easier to take risks that may improve your life when you come to the realization that nothing, except something bad happening to your kids or othrr loved ones, can ever hurt you this much again.
I live with no fear, kind of like Jeff Bridges in "Fearless" after he survived a plane crash.
This.

I had this revelation about a month ago. I realized that there is nothing he could do or say that would hurt me any more than he already has. He could propose to her and marry her on the beach tomorrow at sunset with our son as his Best Man, and that would be a walk in the park compared to his repeated lying and abject cruelty he inflicted after I found out.

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post #92 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 07:36 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I feel it is extremely rare that a person capable of lying with such aplomb, for so long and with no outward manifestation of discomfort or lessened functioning changes.
As was mentioned, the sheer volume of lies and the duration in LTAs boggles the mind of a person with even modest levels of empathy or even a diminished conscience.
Couple that with the cruelty most often displayed after discovery, the complete lack of concern for their AP' spouse and kids( and the cheater cannot even rationalize hurting these folks by conjuring up some offenses or greivances, as they do not even know them) and you have fairly well defined sociopathic behavior.
With divorce so readily and easily available these days, there is no need to go this route and hurt others in order to pursue sex.
Divorce is both expensive and time-consuming unless both parties want the divorce.

I agree with most of what you wrote. I do want to emphasize that we can't really discuss cases we don't know about. And I'm willing to bet that the number of undetected infidelities is larger than we normally think.
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post #93 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 07:40 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I think EI has said it all.
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post #94 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 08:16 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Mr and Mrs John Adams had a sort of open marriage so they were not in a reconciliation that was monogamous.

The male and female reactions to infidelity are different. Women are more likely to consider reconciliation for a number of reasons. Economic pressure is one. But women also are more willing to compete for a man. A betrayed wife whose husband has gotten involved with a younger woman may see her situation as negative in terms of sex ranking. If she is in her 40s she may not be confident.

If one visits Surviving Infidelity or Reddit, one can read about wives who are trying to reconcile but struggle to rekindle sexual attraction for their betrayed husband.

There are also women who are full of regret and remorse (or at least protestations of them). But it is almost as if they succumbed to temptation simply to give themselves a really difficult project winning back BH to whom the lies and fornication cannot be cleaned up even if they initially try.
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post #95 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 09:04 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I guess the more I read, and step back and look at the totality of all the anecdotes over the years, the more I am convinced that the only time that true lasting reconciliation occurs is when the betrayed spouse files for divorce, ends the marriage, and then puts as much distance between themselves and the WS as they can. After a few years, if an xWS has truly done a lot of soul searching and hard work on themselves, and is honestly repentant and remorseful, a new relationship can be created if the BS wishes it. But this is so rare...as rare as being struck by lightning.

This is why I am not an advocate of reconciliation, because more often than not, the betrayed spouse is being manipulated, and once the WS has them back in their web, they go back to the same old behaviors. I would hazard to guess this is the case 95% of the time. The majority of WSs just cannot do it...they cannot commit to digging deep and making the lasting changes in themselves to keep from straying again. A visit to the Wayward section of SI is replete with WSs who give lip service to wanting to change to save their marriage, yet the minute they are told by their BS that they are getting divorced?.....crickets. You never see another post from that person again ... and it shows you little resolve most of them really had.

E1 and B1, Mr. and Mrs. John Adams, are among the very rare married couples who have come on TAM who would represent this extremely minuscule minority of successful Rs. But their marriages were rebuilt because in both cases the WS owned their sh!t and recommitted to saving their relationships.
A friend of mine followed this line of thinking, they were divorced a few years got back together. They both seemingly had become better people apart, learned from the past. They got remarried, last 2 years before she was back to sleeping with everyone and he was more of a jerk than anything. For whatever reason apart they are OK but together eventually they just bought out in worst in each other.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #96 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:36 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Divorce is both expensive and time-consuming unless both parties want the divorce.

I agree with most of what you wrote. I do want to emphasize that we can't really discuss cases we don't know about. And I'm willing to bet that the number of undetected infidelities is larger than we normally think.
I agree, most cheating goes undetected.

As for divorce being expensive and time consuming, it does not seem to be to me, relative to more complex types of litigation.
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post #97 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:40 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

[QUOTE=SunCMars;15175425]
Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45;15174121 a new relationship can be created if the BS wishes it. But this is so rare...as rare as being struck by lightning.


The odds of being struck by lightening in one's lifetime are 1 in 3000.

If one lives in the mountains or works in the mountains, the odds seem to go up substantially. I am sure playing golf in the desert [when a storm approaches
would up your odds, you are the tallest structure around. Other areas, I'm sure up the odds..... living in flat terrain^ ?

So what ! ?

The odds of R go way up when the BS has untoward, abundant forgiveness. Or maybe has insecurities, is co-dependent. When balanced on some "marital scale", where one side of the scale notes the weight of the good or desirous things in a marriage and the other side the heft of the bad aspects, some BS's do rug-sweep.
1 in 3000? Not possible.
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post #98 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:46 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I agree, most cheating goes undetected.

As for divorce being expensive and time consuming, it does not seem to be to me, relative to more complex types of litigation.
I've been involved in multimillion dollar litigations that were cheaper than my divorce. Between the two of us we had well over a 100k in legal fees and we didn't have assets to fight over. Never underestimate the cost. Oh yeah and the 3 years of my life I'll never get back....

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #99 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:53 PM
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Thumbs up Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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It's up to each individual to decide if a WS who had an LTA is worth the risk. Many would say that a spouse who neglected, rejected, humiliated, demoralized, emotionally abandoned, and unilaterally decided that their marriage would forevermore remain sexless, all while both parties were only in their mid-40's, was not a great risk.

In extreme cases like these, it would appear that neither party was a great risk. Yet, in at least one case, and in many more, I suspect, both spouses decided that their partner was very much worth the risk. Four years later, and they could not be any happier that they decided to take a risk on one another. When truly Coping with Infidelity, the facts, all of the facts, matter.

This WS didn't crawl back, nor did my BS do any version of the pick me dance, (which no BS should EVER do) and there was no RA. We each worked on ourselves, first, while demonstrating compassion for one another. When we finally started working together, not necessarily with the intention of R, but instead, simply trying to survive the extremely painful ordeal we were experiencing, we realized what we were now capable of having together, and we both ran to each other. We still do. B1 is my anchor in the storm. I make waves, and he keeps us grounded. It works!
I have found that people have different tolerance levels for abuse and differing capacities for forgiveness.

I can only spek hypothetically, as I loved my XW very, very much. I am uncertain if I could have forgiven her had she come clean and truly expressed sorrow for what she had done.

I was a very good, imperfect, loving husband and father. So , I cannot relate to how your husband must have felt, if he acknowledged the truth of your characterization of him.
In most cases, however, I suspect that the betrayed was a good spouse. That would make it much more difficult to forgive, as you were doing your best.
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post #100 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 10:57 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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I've been involved in multimillion dollar litigations that were cheaper than my divorce. Between the two of us we had well over a 100k in legal fees and we didn't have assets to fight over. Never underestimate the cost. Oh yeah and the 3 years of my life I'll never get back....
Sorry to hear that. But, despite the expense, cheating is not justified as divorce is readily available.

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post #101 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-11-2016, 11:04 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

From how EI describes her husband and marriage, assuming it is objectively true, it seems like a relatively rare situation.
For one thing, he treated her so poorly, based on her description.
But, even more surprising to me is that someone who had been so terrible was willing to look at his role. I would think that if someone acted as she describes, that type of person is not likely receptive to looking within.
Glad it has worked out. Must have been a lot of effort.
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post #102 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 05:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
Mr and Mrs John Adams had a sort of open marriage so they were not in a reconciliation that was monogamous.

The male and female reactions to infidelity are different. Women are more likely to consider reconciliation for a number of reasons. Economic pressure is one. But women also are more willing to compete for a man. A betrayed wife whose husband has gotten involved with a younger woman may see her situation as negative in terms of sex ranking. If she is in her 40s she may not be confident.

If one visits Surviving Infidelity or Reddit, one can read about wives who are trying to reconcile but struggle to rekindle sexual attraction for their betrayed husband.

There are also women who are full of regret and remorse (or at least protestations of them). But it is almost as if they succumbed to temptation simply to give themselves a really difficult project winning back BH to whom the lies and fornication cannot be cleaned up even if they initially try.
Um, no that's not the way I remember it. Mrs. john Adams had a short EA with a football coach which culminated in a ONS. She either confessed or Mr. John Adams found out and then later on he had an EA.

But I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.
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post #103 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 06:02 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Um, no that's not the way I remember it. Mrs. john Adams had a short EA with a football coach which culminated in a ONS. She either confessed or Mr. John Adams found out and then later on he had an EA.

But I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.
I don't remember anything about open marriage either. I also remember what you wrote here.
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My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #104 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:14 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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From how EI describes her husband and marriage, assuming it is objectively true, it seems like a relatively rare situation.
For one thing, he treated her so poorly, based on her description.
But, even more surprising to me is that someone who had been so terrible was willing to look at his role. I would think that if someone acted as she describes, that type of person is not likely receptive to looking within.
Glad it has worked out. Must have been a lot of effort.
I think there was mutually practiced humility there.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #105 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:42 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Um, no that's not the way I remember it. Mrs. john Adams had a short EA with a football coach which culminated in a ONS. She either confessed or Mr. John Adams found out and then later on he had an EA.

But I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

Actually, Mrs. John Adams had an intense crash on her teacher who decided to have some discrete fun with her. After their lunch date she followed him to his house and they had a quick ODS (one day stand). If my memory doesn't fail me she was 27 at the time and had two children with Mr. John Adams.

Samuel Beckett - You're on Earth. There's no cure for that......
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