Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by adriana View Post
Actually, Mrs. John Adams had an intense crash on her teacher who decided to have some discrete fun with her. After their lunch date she followed him to his house and they had a quick ODS (one day stand). If my memory doesn't fail me she was 27 at the time and had two children with Mr. John Adams.
Thank you.

Yes if I recall OM was also involved in sports or something. But yeah, from what I remember it was an impulsive thing she did. I don't recall if she or her husband were having problems or not before she did this.

There will be some here will conclude he must have driven her to her affair through neglect or abuse. Because that's just what men do...

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post #107 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

One aspect of failed Rs that we need to touch on is the endurance needed by the WS to do the hard work and take the slings and arrows from the BS. I think the reason why most waywards do not try to go back to their BSs is simply because they see how daunting a task R is going to be and then a certain amount of demoralization sets in. Couple this with the shame and embarrassment many cognizant waywards feel, and it is no wonder the majority run the opposite way and do not even attempt to coax their BSs back into R.

As a wayward, you have to open yourself up and expose all the ugly parts of yourself to scrutiny...for years. Most are to scared to do it.

But what about pride? Ugly pride. How many waywards have their conscience telling them to go back to their BS cap in hand, but then their pride says "No! Save what little self respect you have for yourself. Don't lower yourself to accepting scraps from your BS!" So they don't even give it a try, or if they do, they impose conditions on the BS in exchange for their return.

Fear, shame and pride, I think, are the three primary barriers to reconciliation.
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post #108 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:15 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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You mean, hypothetically, would such a remorseless person, once their affair was discovered, try to come crawling back to their spouse? I would think it would be mostly annoyance at having their cake eating uncovered that might cause them to make some kind of overture, to save face with their own family or kids or community? But who knows. I remember a woman on TAM whose STBXH actually expected her to lend him her car to help the OW house, or something to that effect. It seems really common for WS to somehow feel there was a justification, so maybe that's why we don't hear a lot about people who crawl back?
From what I've seen it goes something like this for a wayward wife:

She's on a high from being chased and having sex with two men. She is getting tons of validation, tons of great sex, tons of attention. She's on top of the world. Even thinking about running away with the other man, even as a fantasy.

And then the husband finds out and it's dramatic but she has someone else to go to, right? So why try that hard. In a way, it's even better, because she can live the fantasy full-time!

And then she runs to the other man, for whom **** just got real and no fun, and he tells her (after having sex with her one last time of course) in no uncertain terms that this was just a fling and not serious.

And then she goes running home... to a locked door.

And then she runs to the nearest toilet to throw up, because she's just gone from having the attention, love, support, and lust of two men to zero men. And then thoughts of the kids and "what will people think" and memories of the marriage come flooding in.

At least that's what I've seen. Unfortunately.

For the guys I've seen go through it, it seems to be more like "Oh, **** the wife found out. I'm going to end up broke and alone and everybody's going to think I'm an *******. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all."

I've never seen one (personally) where there wasn't at least an overture of being open to going back after the affair. Even a brief one.

My own ex, for example, was willing to "talk about things" if I agreed to pay her lawyer bill. Not an emotional pleading, to be sure, but it happened.

Last edited by marduk; 03-12-2016 at 10:19 AM.
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post #109 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Good post Marduk. I think you have hit on some truth.

I think the wayward will initially put out a half-assed, conditional, timid "feeler" to gauge their BS's feelings. When the BS doesn't respond positively, many WSs say to themselves "Well...I tried!" They seem to think that is an attempt at R and comfort themselves with that illusion.
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post #110 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Good post Marduk. I think you have hit on some truth.

I think the wayward will initially put out a half-assed, conditional, timid "feeler" to gauge their BS's feelings. When the BS doesn't respond positively, many WSs say to themselves "Well...I tried!" They seem to think that is an attempt at R and comfort themselves with that illusion.
Or to see if there's a guaranteed reconciliation on the table that's pretty easy to get.

"Can't you just get past it?"
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post #111 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 11:50 AM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

[QUOTE=Maxo;15180217]
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1 in 3000? Not possible.
Data comes from the NWS. The odds are 1 in 3000 per [each]person. Not that 1 in every 3000 people gets hit with the sparkling juice at some time in their life.

Earth-wide, there are millions of strikes per second.

Back to the thread.

My main point: Those WS's who do return, [more often than not] return to BS's who are often kind and forgiving or [indifferent?].

No surprise there, huh!

The Meek shall inherit the Earth. Some of the same meek(lees) shall suffer at the hands of cheaters, repeatedly...dammm it!

Still and per TAM, not many waywards seem to return.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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post #112 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 02:09 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I'm not sure what percentage of WS come crawling back.
In the vast majority of cases, if they crawl back, my guess is they are doing it for self-serving purposes.
If not, why is a 100% remorseful WS such a rare commodity on TAM.
Check out the R threads on TAM. . . eeeek. . . sounds like the last thing anyone should do, or if so only in the rarest of cases.
An A is always an elephant in the room, even 20 years later, 100% remorseful or not. There's a few threads about that too.
So it's best if they DON"T come crawling back IMO.

"We just kissed".
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post #113 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 05:58 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
One aspect of failed Rs that we need to touch on is the endurance needed by the WS to do the hard work and take the slings and arrows from the BS. I think the reason why most waywards do not try to go back to their BSs is simply because they see how daunting a task R is going to be and then a certain amount of demoralization sets in. Couple this with the shame and embarrassment many cognizant waywards feel, and it is no wonder the majority run the opposite way and do not even attempt to coax their BSs back into R.

As a wayward, you have to open yourself up and expose all the ugly parts of yourself to scrutiny...for years. Most are to scared to do it.

But what about pride? Ugly pride. How many waywards have their conscience telling them to go back to their BS cap in hand, but then their pride says "No! Save what little self respect you have for yourself. Don't lower yourself to accepting scraps from your BS!" So they don't even give it a try, or if they do, they impose conditions on the BS in exchange for their return.

Fear, shame and pride, I think, are the three primary barriers to reconciliation.
I think people on both sides of the fence underestimate the work, effort and time needed for R. Many WS don't even attempt because of false pride and the potential shame. I know in my ex's case even if the thought had ever crossed her mind her pride and ego would never allow herself to be "humiliated" by admitting to her friends and family all the lies and fantastic tales of wonderment.

WS in many cases try chasing the emotional high that tends to come along with affairs, why go back to the old when they can find another soulmate. It's not unusual to see both male and female WS blow thru a number of relationships/flings before they realize it's an empty hollow life. By that time the BS has generally moved on.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #114 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Mr and Mrs John Adams had a sort of open marriage so they were not in a reconciliation that was monogamous.
I'm pretty sure that Mrs. J. A. wouldn't put it that way at all. But I'm fairly certain that she'll be along in a while to respond herself.
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post #115 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:29 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Sorry to hear that. But, despite the expense, cheating is not justified as divorce is readily available.
Divorce is only cheap in some states that allow "collaborative" divorces. That's where H and W and a mediator hash out all the details, get them written up, and submit them.

But if they can't agree, be it visitation of kids, alimony, disposition of family debt, who is to get the house, etc., etc., etc. it can quickly get very very expensive.

Even having to ask your lawyer to petition the judge to order your spouse to produce the information pertaining to child support can up the bill by thousands.

There are organizations that can help the indigent (usually the wife) get a divorce taken care of, but the indigent has to know about the organization and have transportation available to get there.

And those spouses who are afraid of abuse at the hand of their spouse (not always the male) have even more trouble.

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post #116 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:51 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

With my ex, she would never come crawling back. Her affair was the most magical moment of her life. Or at least that was what I had heard in the past.

I can't imagine her coming back. That would be the most awkward nightmare for both of us.

I am a supporter of moving toward the divorce stage quickly. In my mind, the worst that can happen is not losing a cheater that "might" have been, but going through a false R after years. And there are brutal threads about this.

In my opinion, an affair is a divorce. It is the ultimate final statement.
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post #117 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-13-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Um, no that's not the way I remember it. Mrs. john Adams had a short EA with a football coach which culminated in a ONS. She either confessed or Mr. John Adams found out and then later on he had an EA.



But I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

She and her husband were expelled from TAM due to her sending out naked photos to TAM members who paid her back with money shots. He was in on it.
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post #118 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-13-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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This.

I had this revelation about a month ago. I realized that there is nothing he could do or say that would hurt me any more than he already has. He could propose to her and marry her on the beach tomorrow at sunset with our son as his Best Man, and that would be a walk in the park compared to his repeated lying and abject cruelty he inflicted after I found out.
NMB ~
I understand exactly what you mean. Thinking about the mental and emotionally cruelty that I also endured for years can take my breath away at times. Be Strong my Friend.
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post #119 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-13-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I experienced 4 episodes of "reconciliation" over the past 7 years and they each proved to be a farce. Once he was smitten by a new younger adventurous, he never completely return to be the person I knew before he cheated.

Looking back, the false hope and phony attempts at reconciliation were his way to stall the process because he preferred to keep us both instead of sharing his assets with me.

After the fact, I discovered he kept in contact with the OW while he was back home with me supposedly "working on our marriage."

My hope was built up and then knocked down time and time again and that is the main source of my anger and lack of respect for him. If he didn't want me anymore, he should have stayed away.

Money and making sure he did not lose the OW proved to be more important to him than saving our 30 year marriage.

I once explained to my therapist that he came back home to me but he left his heart at the bottom of the driveway.

Last edited by VeryHurt; 03-13-2016 at 08:45 PM.
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post #120 of 585 (permalink) Old 03-13-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

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Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
She and her husband were expelled from TAM due to her sending out naked photos to TAM members who paid her back with money shots. He was in on it.
Unless you have evidence of that, that you can back up, that is a mighty serious accusation to make against someone. Especially against a couple who are no longer here to defend themselves. And, contrary to what was stated earlier in this thread, they never posted anything about having an open marriage. They posted that she had a ONS with her college professor, who was also a well known basketball coach, and he had an RA that lasted for about a day, as well.

From the tone of your posts regarding Mr. & Mrs. JA, one might suspect that someone was scorned that they might have missed out on all of this "alleged" action.
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