Myth: "They Come Crawling Back" - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 1974Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,431
Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

How many times on the CWI threads do you read a well-meaning poster say something to the affect that "...once the OM/OW dumps your WS, your WS will realize they are about to lose everything and come crawling back to beg you to forgive them.

All of the anecdotal evidence I have read and seen on TAM over the past four years tell a vastly different story of how waywards act. Very few are truly repentant. This fantasy that wayward spouses somehow, at some point, have an epiphany that they have destroyed their life by leaving their BS for another, and come "crawling back" just seems to me to be a pipe dream.

From what I have seen, 99% of the wayward spouses who do eventually break off their affairs and come back to their BSs do so only because they got thrown under the bus by their AP, and have no other options, and even then their willingness to work on reconciliation is conditional:

"Well, I admit that having an affair was wrong and I'm sorry for hurting you, but I'm not sorry for having an affair because I needed something that you were not providing me..."

"Well, I am willing to work on our marriage, but I am still in love with my AP, so don't expect me to just act like your spouse for a long time. And I am not ready to have sex with you, so don't even ask."

"If I come back there are going to be some changes..."

"Why do we have to keep talking about this? Can't we just move on with our lives?"

And so on... ad nausea....

Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about WSs who get busted for having a one night stand. They are a different category. Usually when they get busted they fess up and beg forgiveness. I'm mainly referring to WSs who have been engaged in an ongoing affair and have developed a strong relationship with their AP.

These are the spouses who gave great thought to leaving their spouse and the marriage for the AP, engaged in a short to lengthy affair, and were found out at some point by their spouse, but determined to continue on with the affair knowing it would end their marriage.

My question to you all is...are we doing a disservice to the newbie BSs who come on to TAM asking for our advice when we tell them something like this?

It just seems like we are stetting them up for disappointment.

bandit.45 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,987
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I agree completely. It's also instructive to read the posts by waywards who have been busted. While the BS is relieved to have the A 'over', the WS is often consumed with thoughts of the AP and actively trying to decide whether it's worth staying in the M. The WS's usually don't vocalize this.

Showing them what they have to lose is definitely not a magic bullet for remorse and reconciliation.
alte Dame is offline  
post #3 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:20 PM
Member
 
sidney2718's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 2,232
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
How many times on the CWI threads do you read a well-meaning poster say something to the affect that "...once the OM/OW dumps your WS, your WS will realize they are about to lose everything and come crawling back to beg you to forgive them.

All of the anecdotal evidence I have read and seen on TAM over the past four years tell a vastly different story of how waywards act. Very few are truly repentant. This fantasy that wayward spouses somehow, at some point, have an epiphany that they have destroyed their life by leaving their BS for another, and come "crawling back" just seems to me to be a pipe dream.

From what I have seen, 99% of the wayward spouses who do eventually break off their affairs and come back to their BSs do so only because they got thrown under the bus by their AP, and have no other options, and even then their willingness to work on reconciliation is conditional:

"Well, I admit that having an affair was wrong and I'm sorry for hurting you, but I'm not sorry for having an affair because I needed something that you were not providing me..."

"Well, I am willing to work on our marriage, but I am still in love with my AP, so don't expect me to just act like your spouse for a long time. And I am not ready to have sex with you, so don't even ask."

"If I come back there are going to be some changes..."

"Why do we have to keep talking about this? Can't we just move on with our lives?"

And so on... ad nausea....

Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about WSs who get busted for having a one night stand. They are a different category. Usually when they get busted they fess up and beg forgiveness. I'm mainly referring to WSs who have been engaged in an ongoing affair and have developed a strong relationship with their AP.

These are the spouses who gave great thought to leaving their spouse and the marriage for the AP, engaged in a short to lengthy affair, and were found out at some point by their spouse, but determined to continue on with the affair knowing it would end their marriage.

My question to you all is...are we doing a disservice to the newbie BSs who come on to TAM asking for our advice when we tell them something like this?

It just seems like we are stetting them up for disappointment.
In other words, you feel that we should tell BSs whose spouses are having serious affairs that they should divorce right away?
sidney2718 is offline  
 
post #4 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 3,083
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

And that's why I would never consider reconciling.
Thound is online now  
post #5 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,431
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by sidney2718 View Post
In other words, you feel that we should tell BSs whose spouses are having serious affairs that they should divorce right away?
Not at all.

Just that BSs should never plan on the WS to come "crawling back or "grovelling" for forgiveness. I honestly cannot remember the most recent thread on TAM where such behavior actually occurred.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #6 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:34 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,150
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Kinda depends on what you'd consider "crawling".

I'd imagine that -- in the majority of cases involving a wayward looking for an ex post facto reconciliation -- what's most commonly seen is a pride-addled (and maybe even insincere) request "to talk". Depending on a number of factors, once said request is accepted, the wayward probably has at least a decent chance of steering the conversation from that point forward.

Not exactly what I'd call "crawling".
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #7 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:48 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,490
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

My ex wife wanted to "talk" when she ran out of money, and presumably stopped screwing the other man.

Oddly enough, within a week of our divorce being finalized. And I was dating the woman who became my wife, and she heard about it.

My current wife didn't "come crawling back" given she never left to begin with and crawling isn't exactly her MO.

But she did change her tune when I stopped emoting and started acting.

I can tell you three cases in my personal life where the spouse wanted to come back after the affair petered out, or the spouse had enough and threw them out.

They all didn't work out, BTW.

So for me, if it became physical, I'd just divorce.
marduk is offline  
post #8 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:49 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,289
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Not at all.

Just that BSs should never plan on the WS to come "crawling back or "grovelling" for forgiveness. I honestly cannot remember the most recent thread on TAM where such behavior actually occurred.
I've seen some posters here and on LS mention WS's who came begging back, but I think the majority of the minority that did come begging back seemed to do so because their lifestyle would dramatically decrease if they didn't.

I also agree with you. I've seen a few things said commonly that aren't true for most AP's in my experience.

That the WS will "come out of the fog" and realize they "blew up their lives", "realize what they lost", and try to come crawling back, is one of the worst. I can't imagine how many held on to false hopes because someone said that to them.

While I am sure some come crawling back, the truth is that a lot of them do it for practical reasons. They're choosing the path of least resistance.
MJJEAN is online now  
post #9 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:56 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,490
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I've seen some posters here and on LS mention WS's who came begging back, but I think the majority of the minority that did come begging back seemed to do so because their lifestyle would dramatically decrease if they didn't.

I also agree with you. I've seen a few things said commonly that aren't true for most AP's in my experience.

That the WS will "come out of the fog" and realize they "blew up their lives", "realize what they lost", and try to come crawling back, is one of the worst. I can't imagine how many held on to false hopes because someone said that to them.

While I am sure some come crawling back, the truth is that a lot of them do it for practical reasons. They're choosing the path of least resistance.
In my experience it's the practical considerations that end the fog, and it's the practical considerations that make then try to come back.

It's also why I think white knighting your spouse is so bad. It sets them up for expecting a delusional life "just because."

I've seen it enough that I'm very jaded to it.
Posted via Mobile Device
marduk is offline  
post #10 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:58 PM
Member
 
Lostme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Down South
Posts: 634
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I wouldn't want them back(and didn't take mine back), they would have to crawl elsewhere.




You do matter!
Lostme is offline  
post #11 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 05:59 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 533
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

It's a lovely fantasy, that they can come crawling back so you can tell them to f&*^ off. But it's a fantasy. There was definitely no crawling. The closest I got was ex-H saying he "still wants to work on the marriage" and that I looked good. And that was it. No apology for the pain he caused me, or the upheaval he created in our son's life. Just that he still wanted to work on it and still loved me. He hasn't changed at all. If I were to ask him about the cheating, I bet he'd come up with justifications. But I just don't care (beyond a mild annoyance at him and a wish he would get his life together so he could make some financial and emotional contributions to our son's life), what is going on in his life. It's a little sad that we were partners in life and that I genuinely don't really care if he's struggling or not, if it doesn't effect my son. But there it is.
joannacroc is offline  
post #12 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:02 PM
Member
 
Rowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,657
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Well, in all fairness, my serial cheating ex-husband did come "crawling" back asking for another chance. What he did not do, however, is beg for forgiveness. Because in his mind, he didn't really do anything wrong. He was basically waiting for me to get over being mad at him and come to my senses and take him back. I think he truly believed, even for months after our divorce was final, that I would get over it and come home so we could resume our marriage. When I didn't seem to be doing that on his schedule, he did make a stab at faking remorse and begging for another chance. If I had been weaker or less aware of the reality of him at that point, I might have mistaken it for the real thing.

The reality, though, was that actually being a single man wasn't nearly as great as having a wife and family at home while playing around like a single man. He needed both a wife and a string of affairs. The affairs alone weren't cooking his meals, doing his laundry, handling his family and social obligations, hosting his parties, keeping up with his appointments, and generally managing the realities of life. He needed a wife for that, so why not see if his ex-wife was still interested in the position. It would certainly have been more convenient that hiring and training a new candidate.

Profound narcissism is such an interesting trait.

Last edited by Rowan; 03-10-2016 at 08:22 AM.
Rowan is offline  
post #13 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,431
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

There have been a couple of incidents where a WS has a mental or emotional breakdown. Morituri's XWW ended up in a psych hospital after he refused to take her back, and I remember a couple others...
bandit.45 is offline  
post #14 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:06 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,067
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

I agree. Most of these cheaters have a personality disorder. Those folks do not apologize or ever admit wrongdoing except, perhaps to manipulate.
Maxo is offline  
post #15 of 594 (permalink) Old 03-09-2016, 06:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 533
Re: Myth: "They Come Crawling Back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maxo View Post
I agree. Most of these cheaters have a personality disorder. Those folks do not apologize or ever admit wrongdoing except, perhaps to manipulate.
To be fair, some of them probably don't and may have been deeply unhappy due to a profound fault in their spouse, but it was their choice to cheat. I will never buy into the whole "I did it because x y z" mentality. At the end of the day, there isn't really an excuse. It boggles the mind that the OM or OM never seems to question what kind of s&*(y person would cheat on their spouse with them. Maybe they manipulate. Or maybe they genuinely believe the reasons they give themselves that justify their cheating. Meh. Whatever. At the end of the day, does it really make a difference?
joannacroc is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
"I want my husband back" was said to me Augusto Coping with Infidelity 300 02-15-2016 01:52 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome