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Which is worse serial cheating or emotional cheating?

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#1 ·
I've been lurking in some of the threads here since finding this site. There seem to be two basic types of cheating which line up pretty well with what I've seen in my own family. I'm curious to know which type people here think is the worst:

A) my H who has apparently been gambling and having meaningless sex with strangers in casinos I'm assuming just for the thrill of it since there can't be any emotion involved. Hasn't been involved in our family life for over a year now and lied about being at work when he was actually spending HOURS every week in Atlantic City.

B) my sister's ex who had an affair for 4 years and when she found out he was just gone. Moved in with the OW the very next day after my sister confronted him. Told my sister he'd never loved her and that he'd only married her because he wanted to get into her pants and she insisted on a wedding ring first. At the time he told her that he was crazy in love with OW but it would appear that wasn't the case because he's now moved on to yet another OW.

So what would bother you more? The serial cheater having unemotional sex with multiple partners, or the cheater who truly believed they were in love with AP? Looking at it from my own POV vs what I know my sister felt, I think her ex was worse. She was angry but also very hurt when she found out about his affair. Quite honestly, I don't feel hurt at all - just furiously angry at the betrayal and totally disgusted by the immorality of his behavior. Which strikes me as odd because prior to the breakup of either marriage, I would have thought mine was better than hers. It seems like I should be sorry to lose him but honestly all I can think is the sooner he is out of my life the better. I certainly can't imagine ever letting him touch me again knowing he's been screwing prostitutes. Honestly I think I would be less upset if he had fallen in love with another woman at least that's an "excuse" for cheating even if it's not valid. Soliciting hookers or really any sex without an emotional bond is just plain inexcusable IMHO.
 
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#2 ·
To be clear, you're talking about a wayward engaging in a series of NSA PAs (one or more of which may have been ONS's) vs a single EA/PA?

TBH, either would prompt me to file for divorce.
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#3 ·
Serial one night stand type cheaters strike me as having an addiction, of sorts. They are unhappy with themselves, and they seek risk, danger, instant gratification and an escape from what is troubling them. Whereas I might take an emotional affair more personally, even though both types of cheaters still make a CHOICE to cheat, just in different styles.
 
#6 ·
Both too disturbing to think about.
Your husband is just a messed up, conscienceless addict. Her husband is a serial cheater that will never have a loving relationship.

Both of them are their own worst enemies. Good that they're on their way or already out of your lives.
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#8 ·
No matter how nicely that you may slice the pie, the one common denominator here is "betrayal!"

Isn't this bad enough on it's own merits?

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#10 ·
I guess my main reason for asking is that my sister made a comment to me when I told her I found out he was cheating, that at least my H hadn't betrayed me emotionally by falling in love with someone else. I feel exactly the opposite - I could have accepted him falling in love with someone else easier than him debasing himself with hookers. Cheating is always wrong but at least you can make a case that love gives it "legitimacy". I suppose the hookers are just a part of his becoming an addict though. Alcohol, gambling, and porn sex. Never could have foreseen my sweet college professor of 20 years ago going down this particular path.
 
#12 ·
Serial cheating just means that it's something the person keeps doing over and over. The type of cheating - EA, PA, ONS, whatever - is kind of irrelevant to the serial cheater designation. That said, there are actually some cheaters who prefer to mix things up. My ex-husband, for example, had a number of one night stands. He also had a number of sexting-only relationships, several regular partners he met up with for casual sex (FWB, if you will), at least a couple long-term affairs, and a few EA's.

Any type of infidelity sucks. Your sister seems to be engaging in a bit of competitive one-upsmanship regarding the level of betrayal and hurt. Is she typically very competitive? Or is she perhaps just the type of person who always has a bigger problem, a better story, a harder time, or more drama? In any case, I'm pretty sure that whatever kind of betrayal an individual is currently suffering from feels like the worst kind to them. Saying you had it so much worse than another suffering person is less than polite, but the sentiment is likely fairly common to human nature.
 
#13 ·
There is no moral high ground here
 
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#14 ·
So what would bother you more? The serial cheater having unemotional sex with multiple partners, or the cheater who truly believed they were in love with AP?
The former would worry me in terms of STDs, and the latter would hurt my heart. To me it would mean I were not enough for him.

Once I accepted that, I think I would just call it quits. He needs to be with someone he loves, someone who *is* enough for him.
 
#17 ·
Let's see...my H had multiple affairs (5 is the number he admitted to) via cheating websites. He spent thousands of dollars on the sites and the women, all while we were having $ problems. He told me about one affair, then lied for the next 6 years about all the others. He claims that they all ended about 10 years ago. I know they are over, but I'll never know the truth of it all...but I do know that one of the affair's happened while I was pregnant with his son. AND I found out two summers ago that I am HPV positive, luckily with the low risk kind.

Me? I had a couple of EA's, the first very short term and tame, the second lasted close to three years and at one point included sexting.

When H found out about the second EA, he said it was worse than what he did because my emotions were involved. I wanted to laugh in his face.

No wonder I'm half crazy.
 
#18 ·
So what would bother you more? The serial cheater having unemotional sex with multiple partners, or the cheater who truly believed they were in love with AP?
The result is the same so why should one bother me more than the other? Both are physical affairs with multiple encounters. Who cares if emotions were involved? Just because he doesn't love the hookers doesn't mean he loves you. If he loved you he wouldn't of cheated on you, period. To me, you were either betrayed by your spouse or you weren't. It's like death, I don't see this as a "gray area" issue. Does it REALLY make a difference what form it takes?
 
#19 ·
I guess it just really bothers me that he PAID for unemotional sex when I was waiting at home to give him loving intimacy. I guess now that I know what he was up to I should be glad we hadn't had sex in over a year...

I could maybe have forgiven him if he had come home and told me he was leaving me because he had fallen in love with someone else. But I just can't forgive drunken, unemotional sex with hookers. Especially when he knows very well how much I hate the very concept of prostitution. And gambling as well. Like he was out to do everything he knew I didn't approve of. Now there's a thought.

Aside: does anyone else find it interesting that the words hookers and prostitution aren't in the iPhone spell checker?
 
#21 ·
My FWW ran the gamut when we were separated/pending D. EAs, PAs, ONS, coworkers, etc. I believe she was never more serious about planing a future together (which bothered me the most) than when she was with OM1, the longterm (1.5yrs) younger EA coworker.

During the chaos of the dark years, I remember once meeting up with her for a court date after I had flown into town. She looked smoking hot in court and was flirting with me, and it had been months since I last saw her. So I hired her as my hooker later that night and got whatever I wanted....for $200. It was never brought up again!
 
#22 ·
In my experience as a BS, Emotion Affairs were the most difficult. The fog is strong, and the tugs on the heartstrings are hard to break. My fWW even started neglecting our your son, to go play house with the OM. Everything night, when I would read our son his bedtime story at 8:30 pm, he would repeatedly ask "where's Mom". She would come home around midnight or later, and I would have to be up by 5:30 am for work.

For the many PA's (that she had while I was gone), she says she just wanted the feeling of a man's heartbeat while being intimate, and she didn't want to be alone with a high sex drive.
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#23 ·
As a man I don't care if my wife has an emotional connection to her AP or not. My wife's body belongs to me and my body belongs to her. When she physically cheats, she is giving my property away to another man. That's theft, as well as betrayal.


Yes, I ascribe to the Judeo Christian ethic on marital co-ownership. If anybody has a problem with it, go pound sand... I don't want to hear it.
 
#29 ·
As a man I don't care if my wife has an emotional connection to her AP or not. My wife's body belongs to me and my body belongs to her. When she physically cheats, she is giving my property away to another man. That's theft, as well as betrayal.





Yes, I ascribe to the Judeo Christian ethic on marital co-ownership. If anybody has a problem with it, go pound sand... I don't want to hear it.


I don't own my wife. I don't care if you don't want to hear it.
 
#25 ·
So what would bother you more? The serial cheater having unemotional sex with multiple partners, or the cheater who truly believed they were in love with AP?
Would you rather be shot or stabbed? Splitting hairs aren't we?

The answer to both is the same. Those are both irreconcilable situations.
 
#38 ·
You think that - but IN MY EXPERIENCE if a woman has an EA it often means she cuts herself off from you in every way. She changes personality completely and turns from the loving considerate wife you married into someone else who resents your very presence. She changes into someone who will see you as being unable to do anything right whatsoever. Also she won't have sex with you, or lie there motionless - or pretend you are the other guy to make it bearable - when she does. The worst part is she makes you think there's something wrong with YOU and not her. I've seen my wife's diary where she documented all this stuff, and VERY DELIBERATELY did it all, and there are hundreds of examples like her on here.

It's not the same for men who can easily have 3 or 4 women "on the go" at the same time, or serially, even a PA, but still be the "perfect attentive husband" to their wives. I was having an EA myself that almost turned physical (I pulled back) and if I'm honest I kinda still have a "thing" for this woman, but it doesn't interfere with my relationship with my wife, nor do I hold it against her.

Having said all that, had her EA turned physical, I was gone. Thing is, the PA is going to happen sooner or later, if both parties are willing - luckily for me the OM was not willing.
 
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