Nikki1023

..and I dont know what to do. Fining myself feeling a little EA..and needy and I hate it. To sum up my situation my H had a PA with a women he works with in Japan. Now I feel as if anything he has ever said to me is a lie. He is being investigated and throws in my face he needs my support through this, I want to..but I dont know.

the guy

Until he owns this crap and admit the fact that he made the choice to sh!t were he eats, he now has another consequence.

I have no problem supporting someone that owns up to there bad choices, but if it is a case of "why am I getting screwed" well then I see no remorse and in hand no support.

So my question, is it a case of blameshifting and gaslighting or he has manned up and taken responsiblity for his bad choices?

2nd question, what kind of support is he looking for? A "reward" from you in helping him get out of a mess he could have avoided by having an affair out side of the work place, instead of inside the work place?LOL

What is he looking from you? What kind of support?
If it was my W and a co worker, she would have had to quit her job and we would have lived off mac&cheese. Again another consequence that should be faced not avoided....another lesson learned so as this cheating crap never happens again.

Nikki1023

OK..so this is where its weird. He admits he was wrong, says he realizes he has an alcohol problem. Stopped drinking..tomorrow will be 4 weeks. His story of how it happened..is shakey. I pryed and pryed..got a little more info.

The girl is saying he sexually assaulted her..which I know is 100% false..she does not want to get in trouble for her actions. IN their job they can both get in trouble since he is married. He wants to be able to talk to me..because he "loves" me and "needs" me since he is going through so much with this investigation.

My problem is someone told me yesterday, that a few years back when they got drunk with him, he was a little extra flirty..and was caressing her arm and being overly sensitive to her. I was pregnant at the time..just found out about it yesterday..so Im really aggravated. He has gone out ALOT these PAST 5 yrs without me..and now I cant but help wonder what he was doing when he was out. Alot of his storied were always sketchy but I gave him the benefit of doubt.

I told him yesterday I didnt want to talk to him on the phone for the time being, I needed to find myself and deal with this accordingly..bc the case is making me forget about what he did..and concentrate too much on what hes going through. Every time I feel I take 1 step forward..its 3 steps back. I dont know where to start or what to do. Is it my job as his wife to be there and support him in the case now..and worry about me and him afterwards. I dont know.

And he cant leave his job. He just enlisted for another 4 years. He was supposed to do another 8 after that 4..but is now telling me he wants to get out. I dont know.

the guy

I think what you told your H was fair. He has more then one front to battle and you are one seperate issue in of by its self......his marriage and the heavy lifting he needs to do to work out this out.
This is consequence #1 and should be his priority.

His second front, his job, as you had nothing to do with this mess then it is up to him to figure out and face the consequences on his own term, and the possibly dishonorable discharge that may come with it.

So my view is that if a spouse had an affair with a co worker then they should quit there job so as to impliment the NC. Again all going back to the marriage being the priority. Not the job.

It sucks but it sound like his priority is his job not his marriage and he continues to suck you into the mess he made of his career there casting a shadow on what he did to you.

You are a seperate issue all together so do not get pulled into a mess that he made of his career. You have a marriage to focus on and some tough, life changing choices that you need to make.

Your H made a mess of it by taking his secret life and career and combining the two. Your H has made a mess of his marriage by having a secret life and cheating on his wife (you). Now he needs to work them out seperately. Involving you in his "job mess" is almost like shifting the important issue of the marriage to the thing that helped generate the affair. Make sence?

Nikki1023

Def does make a ton of sense. And yesterday I called him at 530..telling him I dont want to talk to him at this point in time, I need my space to do what I have tot do to find myself in this matter, and see what I want. I told him he could email to update me on whats going on with his career..bc bottom line..it does heavily effect me and my girls..Im a stay at home mom. He carried the
benefits and paychecks.

By 6..he sent me an email stating how we are meant for each other..and he knows he messed up and I need to give him another chance that I wont find anyone who loves me the way he does. I sent a not so nice email back to him..then when I wake up I get 2 more emails from him..saying how he took pills to numb himself, bc he got some bad news at work.

I call him scared..he puts on this front ..then tells me he didnt take the pills he wanted to see how i would react..umm..ok?

Then we have a 2 hr conversation ( i guess he got me) which ends with him saying to call hi if I want the next morning he was going to bed.

Im so lost. I know 100% he is wrong. I know I need my space. He is making it like he cant function without me. His main coper was alcohol and now he stopped using it. He throws that up to me..kinda like..hey ure my wife and I need you to get through this.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts. You have a great insight into all of this. If you can give me any more advice, or just anyhting.. Id greatly appreciate it
Im so mad