Never thinking I could have an affair, I did. I became one of "them". The ones that I called idiots, morons, and more. Now I am one.
When I was caught by my wife, I confessed that I had an emotional affair. No surprise that she was upset, mad, hurt, and more. I failed her, and myself. When she asked if I had any physical contact, I lied and said "no". Why did I say "no"? I could see the hurt I had already caused from calling it strictly an emotional affair. She had said that she wouldn't be able to handle it if I did admit to having physical contact.
She has forgiven me for what she knows, and is helping me recover while she recovers. But I can't forgive myself because of what I know. It's eating me up inside. I'm trying very hard not to lose her after what I did. I'm afraid that if I tell her, I'll lose her and my family.
I imposed my own boundaries, and I make sure everything I do is transparent. I really don't want to lose her and my family. Yes, I still have feelings for the other woman, but I'm not having any contact at all with her despite the drug addiction like cravings to do so. She has done the same after she learned that we were discovered. I hope these feelings leave soon.
If my wife finds out the whole truth, I'll end up divorced. I can't run to the other woman either. How could she trust a cheater? How could I even show my face?
Anyways, I don't know what to do now. I can continue to hide the whole truth and save my marriage, or I can tell her the whole truth and take what I have coming to me for being an idiot.
I'd like to her some advice primarily from the females in the forum. Would you like to hear the whole truth and watch the marriage end? Or would you be happy knowing only what you were told and that your husband is really sorry for what he did and wants to live the rest of his life with you?
wow! i think you should be honest & tell her the truth because that just isnt fair to her!!! tell her the whole truth! if u loose her at least you were honest & thats what women want no matter what it is, because the truth will eventually come out & you will be left with nothing, just tell her the truth. & if she ends up leaving you then you get what you deserve!(nothing personal i just cant stand liars & cheaters)!
The truth will set you both free. Own this sh~t.
How in the hell do expect to truely heal and have a healthy marriage with this lie?
I would risk the marriage by getting this crap out in the open blowing the lid off of it and exposing everything that represent this affair.
If any thing learn from it and in order to learn from it it *all* has to be adressed. Open this can of worm for what it was and why it was.
Find the person you *want* to be, find the person you can be by not hidding. From here on out its not what you did to your self but what you can be. So be that person you want to be again and own up and face the consequences and learn from them.
Yes she diserve to know but just as important is what do you know about your self and what you can be in the future with or woth out your wife.
Keeping this monkey on your back will for sure lessen the pain your chick is going through, but what about you, will it make you a better person holding it and going to your grave with this lie?
Do not define your self by keeping this secret, own your choices and be the person you want to be from here on out.
I'm certainly not a female but I'm a wayward to. How long ago did you get caught? If it's just in the last month or so then as much as I hate to advise you to gamble your marriage I think you should tell her. On the other hand if it has been a significant amount of time I might reconsider my opinion. If you tell her for God's sake tell her the whole truth, don't open the wound again if you're not prepared to give her the whole truth right then and there. Do not make the same mistake twice. I think sadsam is right, I think kept inside the lie will eat you like cancer until you eventually either withdraw emotionally or collapse and tell her - in either case your marriage is in serious jeopardy.
Most on this site will tell you that a successful reconciliation is not possible without full remorse and accountability by the wayward, and that to have full remorse and accountability the full truth of your affair must be on the table. I am of this opinion myself.
Remember - bad news is not like wine, it does not get better with age.
I know I deserve nothing. I even encouraged her to leave me for what she knows. If/When she learns the rest, she will. I've already physically hurt myself, and have a suicide plan all worked out too.
If this is true you need to get off your computer and get yourself some help - pronto. If it's not true it is drama your using to try to confuse your wife which is counter productive to reconciliation and a pretty big indicator of a lack of remorse and accountability. It's not your place to tell her to leave or stay, that's her decision. It's your place to accept what you did and own it. In and of itself it doesn't make you a bad person, it means you made some bad decisions. The way to overcome bad decisions is to take ownership of them, do what you can to mitigate the damage and learn from them so as not to repeat.
You know it is possible for a marriage to not only survive an affair but to actually become better than it was before the infidelity. There are a few regulars here who have done exactly that - I'm one of them. Don't despair - the truth will set you free.
Pretty sure my wife would disagree with that one - along with everyone here - betrayed spouses included.
Remember this is the internet, while this particular board is populated mostly with good, intelligent people who genuinely want to help I can find you sites that say Elvis is keeping Hitler's brain alive on a Caribbean island. You've got to process everything you read on these sites and dismiss the obviously ridiculous.
Okay, say let me share more of the truth so that I can hear what you would do if you heard this:
email, texts, calls discussing all subjects; sharing of nice photos and personal nude photos; met with OW 4 times at different locations, 3 of them overnights; tried have have sex all 4 times, my body did not respond; told her I loved her; told her I was going to divorce; Implied strongly that I wanted to marry her; still have "love" feelings for her.
You haven't answered how long since D Day. I was in pretty much as deep as you except mine never went PA (physical affair), easily could have if locations had allowed though. The PA difference is certainly significant but I told my AP (affair partner) I love you, we sexted, we sent each other videos. There is a line between telling your W the full truth and tormenting her with details. Don't get me wrong, if she ask for a detail you need to give it, but you shouldn't necessarily volunteer them all. Example - the fact that you met 4 times and tried to have sex she needs to know, the fact that it didn't happen she also needs to know. The fact that you told the OW (other woman) that you loved her she needs to know. She does not necessarily need to know (again unless she ask) that you told the OW you were going to divorce or that you implied you wanted to marry the OW. Like I said there is a line and it's different for everybody and every circumstance. If you go here you have to make sure you have been completely honest about the nature of the relationship and give her any information she wants, but you don't have to unload on her every little detail she doesn't ask for - many betrayed spouses don't want to know every little detail if they feel like they have an honest picture of the affair, others want every little detail in all their gory splendor. You have to let her guide you as to how much detail to give her, but always error on the side of a little too much.
Regarding still having feelings for your AP, this is why I asked again about how long since D Day. You have a brain chemical addiction, I'll get this wrong to some extent but basically your AP triggers a release of dopamine in your brain which makes your feel awesome. Getting over that addiction manifest itself as feelings of missing and loving your AP - the feelings can be so intense they hurt physically - it did for me. I have to ask a question here - you say repeatedly that you do not want to lose you wife and family but you never say that you love your wife. Do you? If when you rationally think about it you know you do you have to accept that right now your heart is giving you bad info because of the addiction so rely on what your brain knows. If you don't love your wife and just don't want to go through divorce and losing your family - well that's another issue all together. I'm assuming you do love your wife.
Search for threads here about "The Fog" they will help you understand the attachment you still have to the OW. It takes a while to shut those feelings and emotions down and get them out of your head. It's normal - I went through the same thing.
if you are contemplating S go see your doctor asap and get some meds to get past that issue. Your W deserves the whole truth but make sure your head is on straight before you deliver it to her. She has the right to end the marriage, and if you will have to accept her decision (no matter what she chooses you will both be better off). You are not a bad person, just made a serious mistake - atleast you can recognize it was a mistake, though you will also have to decide if you are even prepared to continue going through all the heavy lifting you will need to do if she chooses to give you another chance.
When my W left after her PAs I always wonder if she took the easy way out thinking it was better for me (the same way the wayward lets the truth only trickle out) - but personally I would much rather have kept my marriage intact and try rebuilding with a remorseful cheater than the double dose of rejection she served me.