Showing remorse
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-27-2011, 10:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Showing remorse

My ws and I are only maybe 2 weeks out of him ending his affair. I don't expect him to kiss my a@@ daily. But I seriously thought he maybe just might go out of his way a bit to give me some much needed TLC, extra affection, etc. I know that just because he ended his affair doesn't mean all the problems, etc are gone. But I just thought he would act and be more remorseful. Does this sometimes take time? I am trying to be pleasant and don't want to have non stop heavy talks, but it is all so fresh and raw. It feels like the big elephant in room. Any insight and or advise is appreciated. Thank you. And I am sorry to all of us that we are here!
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Old 09-27-2011, 11:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

Based on my experience, if he isn't showing remorse or showing affection - it's because he hasn't ended the affair yet.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

Tell him you need TLC, extra affection, etc. Tell him exactly how you feel and what your needs are in the aftermath of all that happened.

I strongly suggest marriage counselling.

If she is married/partnered, expose the affair to her significant other w/o warning to your hubby or her first.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

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Originally Posted by Sasz View Post
Based on my experience, if he isn't showing remorse or showing affection - it's because he hasn't ended the affair yet.

Possible

but also possible she hasn't emerged from the fog fully yet either

Transparency and verification will help determine it
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

Jellybeans is right - tell him what you need to keep moving forward with reconciliation. It's his job to do what you need but he can't read your mind. Communication!!!
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

He may be scared too. My H didn't act like I thought he should have on d-day. He told me everything, but in a way that seemed he might leave me. He later told me he never thought about leaving me, and that he was so scared that night. Communication is the key; talk about it all often. You need this to heal!
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

Thanks for the replies. H and I talked last night. He said he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has so much hurt and rejection from the past five years of our 15yr marriage. He did acknowledge that maybe he doesn't quite now how to forgive and move forward. He said he has little hope we can make a new marriage. He said I haven't been very loving to him. So selfish! He had the affair. But he's waiting for me to make the first move on affection, sex, etc. I don't know. I am so tired physically and mentally. I feel like I have to be the bus driver/ring leader on our R plan. Would like to feel he's assisting too. I don't know.
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

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Originally Posted by bossesgirl26 View Post
Thanks for the replies. H and I talked last night. He said he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has so much hurt and rejection from the past five years of our 15yr marriage. He did acknowledge that maybe he doesn't quite now how to forgive and move forward. He said he has little hope we can make a new marriage. He said I haven't been very loving to him. So selfish! He had the affair. But he's waiting for me to make the first move on affection, sex, etc. I don't know. I am so tired physically and mentally. I feel like I have to be the bus driver/ring leader on our R plan. Would like to feel he's assisting too. I don't know.
Im so sorry you are going through this. I found out about my husbands EA with a co worker in May and we are in the Process of getting our marriage back on track. Its a long hard process but i Strongly advise you to read the posts in the "coping with infidelity" forum. They have really helped me.

My husband also told me that he wasnt in love with me any more, that he didnt feel the same and that he was full of resentment and hurt. Thats becuase he was in the "fog". I cut short his little romance, and excitment and he resented me for it. As a grown woman I accepted this and realised that he needed time to get over it and see it for what it was. Did he really want to leave me for another woman with 2 small kids!! I dont think so, but he needed time to realise that. Now he tells me he loves me everday. And it means more to me than it ever has, because i know he means it.

Your husband is following the exact same "script" that all WS do. You can read about this in my "How do I learn to trust again?" thread, and you really need to read up about the "Fog". Its amazing how they all go through the same pattern of behaviour.

Reading theses posts wont speed up your recovery but they do give comfort in the fact that you are not alone in the way you are feeling and, like greif, recovering from an affair also goes through similar stages.

Good luck to you. Let us know how you are getting on x x

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Old 09-29-2011, 08:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

ILYBINILWY speech = still in the fog at least, quite possibly still in the affair. This is on him - not you. IMO his remorse is not genuine.
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:09 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

Yes, it can take time. Consider how long it took him to drift away from your relationship. Coming back to it is not easy, either.

A little more than a year from D-Day and I've lost count of how many marriage counseling sessions and individual therapy sessions we've gone through. Still, my wife is not able to express remorse for seven years of secret one-night-stands and affairs. I don't doubt her recommitment to our marriage and that she regrets the pain that she caused me. And, our relationship is in much better shape than it has been in 10 years. But I'm also not even sure that she CAN express true remorse. Maybe through continued counseling she'll be able to reach that point but it's not now.

So, yes. It can take time and a lot of hard, painful dedication. I don't think most wayward spouses get there without professional counseling.

Keep reading and posting and learning. It does help.
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Old 09-29-2011, 09:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by bossesgirl26 View Post
Thanks for the replies. H and I talked last night. He said he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has so much hurt and rejection from the past five years of our 15yr marriage. He did acknowledge that maybe he doesn't quite now how to forgive and move forward. He said he has little hope we can make a new marriage. He said I haven't been very loving to him. So selfish! He had the affair. But he's waiting for me to make the first move on affection, sex, etc. I don't know. I am so tired physically and mentally. I feel like I have to be the bus driver/ring leader on our R plan. Would like to feel he's assisting too. I don't know.
Are you absolutely certain he's not still in contact with her? Verify that first. If he's not, then he's withdrawing from all those great "crush" chemicals you get when someone is paying you a lot of attention and telling you how hot you are, etc., etc. It takes a while for that withdrawal to fade.

In the meantime, it's really going to be your choice. either you can wait until that withdrawal is further along or you can start making the first moves to affection now. It's really up to you and what you can or can't do. If you can't, you can't. You just wait, see what happens.

What does your gut tell you?
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Old 10-02-2011, 10:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

My husband gave the the same script while having the affair and asking for divorce at the time. Then he would say he wanted to work on the marriage. It wasn't until I found out about the affair and confronted him that he came clean. I continued to watch phone bills and such and found that he had continued to speak with her. It's only been 3 weeks since I found the last phone number. If you go to church tell your pastor. My marriage also was on rocky ground for the last 4 years. My husband is a narcicist, porn addicted, self centered man. When I found out about the porn I was angry and cursed him out and from that point he in the recent past told me he lost his heart for me. And then within a year or so had the affair. He says he wants to work things out and whatnot but he is also not as remorseful as I think he should be. He gets angry and defensive sometimes and I put him in check. I am either lucky or not in the fact that right now I am working in another state. I am here for another 5 weeks. I do plan on going home for a week before having to leave again for the next assignement. But I also am not telling my H that I am coming home. I plan on a suprise visit. Where he will not have time to hide throw away phones or such. I will see by his reaction hopefully whether he is being honest with me or not.....Sorry we are all here but I find this to be a good place for advice sometimes.
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

With all due respect, I dont agree with many of the posts above.

I do not believe you should talk about it alot if one of you is not ready because it can be a real drag on progress and healing and it can scrape open wounds over and over again making things worse not better.

I recommend doing light hearted things together. Nothing heavy.

When my wife told me she was unhappy and I was so eager to fix it, she told me it was too much to discuss it endlessly and that it caused more damage to do it too much.

We went grocery shopping together, did house chores together, walked the dog without iintense conversation ruining it.

So what if there is an elephant in the room. **** the elephant. During our light hearted companionship, we rediscovered why we liked each other and what a pleasure it was to be nice without being nauseating. We even learned to laugh again.
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Showing remorse

I will have to think on that advice...yup....
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