I was the guy who thought I had it all. Gorgeous wife who has a thriving career. thriving career of my own. 3 awesome kids. I literally looked at my wife daily and reminded myself of how lucky I was. Then everything changed. September of 2010, my wife goes on a business trip for a week. When she returns, something is different about her. I'll spare you the gory details. Long story short, when it all comes to an end, the result is an affair with a married man she met at this conference. 3 physical encounters and 2 months of texting/calling/etc. Emails about falling in love, you get the picture. after that a 2 month seperation, where I move out of the house. Followed by her begging me to come home. Followed by months of intense fighting. Sprinkle in some counseling sessions.
So here I stand one year later. Still no desire to put on my wedding ring. Fear to leave the only life that I know. Fear to become a part time Dad. I'm 99% sure the affair has been over since November of 2010, with no contact. His wife also found out, which put an end to him sneaking around as well.
Anyway, it's nice to read some of these posts, and be able to relate. Certainly not the life I thought I was going to have, but it could always be worse.
Worse is limbo...read Almost's "welcome to TAM post" to quote "Limbo is hell. It sucks your soul dry..." Limbo my man is where you are at, I repeat Almosts question....what do you want?
Don't put it back on until you feel it. After a year, take stock, take inventory. Of your feelings and her contrition. Was the affair outed to all friends and family?
Welcome to the club!
I lived in limbo for about 2 months, then a divorce was thrown at me. Wasted time, the lot of it.
Im 39m1kid, and for the life of me didnt have any clue whether or not I could handle the part time dad thing, and living on my own.
thing is, I would have a lot more respect for myself if I had made that decision myself, instead of like a child, being told what to do, and where I could go.
What has she done to come back to the marriage and make you want to accept her again? Did she end the affair by choice or because the OM stopped it? What has she done to show that she accepts how wrong her choice was and that she won't do it again?
Did you try MC? It seems you are stuck in limbo whether to D or R. As negative as your tone sounds, I don't think the situation is so bad that you could find the courage to D. After all, you have a remorseful wife, 3 kids and a good marriage up until her A(which means the past track record has been good). Also, she is pretty and financially competent. Also, the A was not one of those long term or devastatingly deceiving or callous kinds, but more of a short-lived straight out of textbook kind of A. Also, it happened at the point of what one might consider "midlife crisis" period, which gives a bit of justification for this "hickup" of a sort.
Hey, I am not trying to downplay her A or your pain in all this. I just feel that despite much pain you are in, I don't think you can leave this marriage since there are still so many positive things going for you. So, if D is not the way, then the answer is simple that you have seek R. And, I think you should bring in a good MC to sort this mess out for you. Don't beat your brain out trying to find a way since you just can't. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it's like someone trying to cut his own hair or perform a bypass surgery on himself. It just doesn't work.
Since you are in limbo, and I think I am older than you, I will give you my honest advice. Stop thinking about D, which would be foolish in your situation. Trust me that you will regret it. The answer is R, and you just have to figure out how to achieve this.
Looks like you've already disconnected from your wife and are only there for the kids IMO. Not a life to live, you gotta decide if you can truly forgive her and learn to love and live with her again as husband or wife.
If not then just get the divorce and start working on finding who you are again.
And the last sentence, I'll fix it for you:
It could always be better! So hop off that fence and decide one way or the other and put all your heart into it, be it either stay with the wife or divorcing her.
No matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out to be, divorce or reconciliation, you still have to co-parent the kids with your wife. Start laying the foundation for a respectful co-parenting relationship with your wife, just in case the marriage ends. You can't go wrong doing this.
By the way, who is the primary caregiver? I ask because since you mentioned that she has her own thriving career, it may be possible that you may get custody of the kids in a divorce IF the evidence shows that you spend more time with the kids than she does. Is this the case?
Did you try MC? It seems you are stuck in limbo whether to D or R. As negative as your tone sounds, I don't think the situation is so bad that you could find the courage to D. After all, you have a remorseful wife, 3 kids and a good marriage up until her A(which means the past track record has been good). Also, she is pretty and financially competent. Also, the A was not one of those long term or devastatingly deceiving or callous kinds, but more of a short-lived straight out of textbook kind of A. Also, it happened at the point of what one might consider "midlife crisis" period, which gives a bit of justification for this "hickup" of a sort.
Hey, I am not trying to downplay her A or your pain in all this. I just feel that despite much pain you are in, I don't think you can leave this marriage since there are still so many positive things going for you. So, if D is not the way, then the answer is simple that you have seek R. And, I think you should bring in a good MC to sort this mess out for you. Don't beat your brain out trying to find a way since you just can't. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it's like someone trying to cut his own hair or perform a bypass surgery on himself. It just doesn't work.
Since you are in limbo, and I think I am older than you, I will give you my honest advice. Stop thinking about D, which would be foolish in your situation. Trust me that you will regret it. The answer is R, and you just have to figure out how to achieve this.
Is an affair a deal breaker for you? If you didn't have kids, would you have divorced you wife already? Can you truly say that you no longer love and desire your wife? These questions are just a few you have to honestly answer and based on those answers formulate a plan of action.
Can you possibly make a life whith the cheating mother of your children
As was said---what do you want, I E, what is best for you
Kids can make it in split homes, millions do!!----happy split homes, are better than a miserable single home, where there is no trust, nor love
If R, how is your wife handling the heavy lifting, and you still have to deal with her continually going out of town---everytime she goes, you will wonder, can you live like that---it doesn't matter that she says nothing will happen, cuz there is no trust, and may never be
You got a lot going agst, any R---but bottom line, what do you want, and what can you live with---by the way---starting over may be hard, but it can be done, and very successfully, and with happiness as the end result, as opposed to looking at the woman who took another man inside of her, and basically said to you thru her actions, you are nothing but a non-entity, a POS, who cares about you---for that's what she did, when she gave herself to the other guy
My story 
