could it be true?

anonymous1978 · 09-29-2011, 07:53 PM

could it be true that I don't love him anymore? I am 13 months from the first D-day and about 5 months from that last... I believe I have lost all feelings of love or respect I had for this man.

Could this be true? Have I not given it enough time? Is it too soon to know if these feelings are real?

Initfortheduration · 09-29-2011, 08:24 PM

When you get beyond the fear of what others will think, what he will think (H) and finally what you think. When you decide that you're done, you're done. Can you see yourself happy alone? without him? Sometimes a dealbreaker is just that.

anonymous1978 · 09-29-2011, 08:33 PM

i have slowly become more and more accustomed to the concept of being alone...but actually doing it is so much easier said than done. I cannot imagine being content staying with him because of all the lies...if I stayed, I feel like I will have settled for less than I deserve.

onthefence16 · 09-29-2011, 09:00 PM

Sorry to see you have to go through it again......

Almostrecovered · 09-30-2011, 08:05 AM

I have to ask, has the R been done in a proper manner or has it been swept under the rug?

anonymous1978 · 10-01-2011, 08:49 PM

I would have to say that the R has not really been able to even start... he just defends and defends (his IC calls it "lawyering-up"). He feels the need to explain what he DIDN'T do instead of just directly answering any questions about what he DID do. This frustrating stalemate has been going on for a little over a year and I have just become numb to it...and to him.

onthefence16 · 10-01-2011, 11:09 PM

with no recovery work from the affair their is no recovery and so you are now were your at......If he is not willing to work on your marriage and defends himself, well I'm sorry to say...but sounds like it's true...you have lost your love for your selfish,selfcentered,narcacistic spouce......when you realize that those character traits in him are holding him back then you may need to look at seperation....maybe that will jolt something in him...and is he being honest with the councelor....my H is a selfish,selfcentered,narcasist...but he is willing to work on himself and our marriage....I don't know if it will work out...but at least he is willing to do an online program with me...he has written the NC letter...given me all passwords and such....but I work out of the state....I have to trust what he is telling me...he has told me I can call the councelor.......I will be sending the letter of NC to the OW at her church...H told me she told her pastor...so I will also send a copy to him and a letter about the affair just in case she didn't come all the way clean...as she is a worship leader who is still strumming her guitar behind the pulpit....ugg...

Houstondad · 10-02-2011, 08:34 AM

Hey 78'. It's been 3 weeks short of a year since D-day and 4 months since the affair "officially" died. Yet, my wife says "her heart is not in to working on the marriage" and is living out of state to find work while I raise our 2 kids. When she left out of state for the second time back in late August, I felt what was left of my love and respect was gone. And it is. From the beginning others would tell me to let go and it was hard because rationally I understood, but emotionally I couldn't fully do it. It was a bit of a natural occurrence of finally letting go even though it took a freaking' year. LOL. You'll know in your heart if you're done. I've felt this way for a month now so I know it's not some daily, random thought.

Houstondad · 10-02-2011, 08:36 AM

Do things and/or find things you enjoy too. There are thousands of people out there who are better than your spouse(and mine), especially the person that they have become now.

anonymous1978 · 10-02-2011, 09:02 PM

... until I experienced it, I never understood why people stay in unhappy relationships. I guess the familiarity of a shared life and long-term relationship is like your favorite old clothes. They are totally out of style, have holes in the armpits, and don't even fit anymore...you know you need new or should just throw them out... but you can't seem to get around to going shopping.

I had absolutely no idea how important respect was to the strength and integrity of a relationship. I am realizing this is because I have never developed an intimate relationship with anyone I didn't respect. I wanted to reconcile at first...until the slow and torturous trickle truth along with what I saw as complete lack of compassion or courage to own up to his actions took away all my desire to reconcile.

Hoosier · 10-03-2011, 07:25 AM

Quote:

And it is. From the beginning others would tell me to let go and it was hard because rationally I understood, but emotionally I couldn't fully do it

I live on this street.

Shaggy · 10-03-2011, 08:27 AM

Affairs are deal breakers in many people's hearts and they can never trust or love or reconcile with the wandering spouse. Don't feel guilty if that is how you feel. Instead, stop wasting time and divorce him.
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Geoffrey Marsh · 10-03-2011, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous1978

I would have to say that the R has not really been able to even start... he just defends and defends (his IC calls it "lawyering-up"). He feels the need to explain what he DIDN'T do instead of just directly answering any questions about what he DID do. This frustrating stalemate has been going on for a little over a year and I have just become numb to it...and to him.

Anon1978,

There has been no attempt by him to reconcile. This has been going on for over a year??? I am so sorry...but until he stops this childish behavior there will be no recovery and you will continue to feel numb to him.

Without the wayward taking full ownership over the affair and giving the whole truth...I see no way to even start recovery.

Also...since this is your second D-day...I can only assume that he continued cheating on you even after the affair was exposed.

His actions are saying he is still cheating on you now. Whether he is or not does not matter...because the way he's acting towards you is screaming it.

Lon · 10-03-2011, 10:42 AM

Anon, almost 6 months out from dday, 5 from separation and the whole time I've been doing constant status reports on my feelings and emotions. I can say quite clearly that I have detached... love is a choice and I deliberately choose to no longer invest that emotion into my former relationship. It wasn't like that at first, it took a couple months for me to make that decision and until that time I still loved her with all the passion and emotion I have available. During the detachment process you rummage through every little piece of history and memory you can find, you shake it all up and reavaluate everything. At one point I lost all respect for her, largely because of the hurt she caused me, as I let go I have started to find some respect for her again, even some love (she's the mother of my child after all), but I have no intention of investing in a new relationship, so in my mind coming to this site and doing a 180 has been tremendously useful to me. OTOH, if she had continued to fence-sit I don't know if I'd have gotten to this point so soon.