how do APs rationalise destroying a family? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 242Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #136 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 10:15 AM
RWB
Member
 
RWB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,034
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
For some reason women flock to these sorts of men...

When we were first married and in our 20's, I remember being at a social event with her home town crowd. This guy wasn't there, but all the women were talking about him and his exploits. They were giddy while talking about how he bedded a new girl every Friday and Saturday, and how he especially liked the married women.
I know it seems strange, way counterintuitive. Years before my wife's affair with her principal, she would come home and tell me about his sleeping around with married and single teachers at her school.

I responded how can that be tolerated... She would always counter with their grown adults or their marriage was bad. And throw in how he was a great leader and understood the teachers problems, hmmm. WTF.

I honestly believed she was too smart to fall for his Sh!t game. Right.
Posted via Mobile Device


I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
RWB is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #137 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 01:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: San Bernardino, CA
Posts: 2,321
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RWB View Post
I know it seems strange, way counterintuitive. Years before my wife's affair with her principal, she would come home and tell me about his sleeping around with married and single teachers at her school.

I responded how can that be tolerated... She would always counter with their grown adults or their marriage was bad. And throw in how he was a great leader and understood the teachers problems, hmmm. WTF.

I honestly believed she was too smart to fall for his Sh!t game. Right.
Posted via Mobile Device
Unfortunately,

Too many people are NEVER too smart to fall for it.

It amazes me.....the amount of bullsh*t people buy to tramp around in the land of unicorns and fairies.

I mean.....WAKE UP.....you are fooling around with a POS that has no problems f*cking married people.

If ANYTHING ought to be a RED FLAG when dealing with members of the opposite sex in a potential dating situation (not that already M people should be in that position to begin with)....it should be THIS.
Dyokemm is offline  
post #138 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 06:33 AM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,989
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
I mean.....WAKE UP.....you are fooling around with a POS that has no problems f*cking married people.
Of course, this is fiction below.

Don't you trust me? I've never done a thing to make you jealous. Why are you jealous now? It's not very attractive. Then you wonder why I'm usually not in the mood. How am I supposed to be interested in someone who doesn't trust me? Then you want me to (insert new sex move/act).

hmmm... seems like maybe that partner thinks they are more than human with an ability to turn off their feelings at will.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
 
post #139 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 07:37 AM
Member
 
ThePheonix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,771
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReformedHubby View Post
I disagree with this. Women are not easily played.
All women that I've known had already given thought and consideration to cheating; even those involved in ONS. Hence, those "hanging out" in bars and other places open to meeting men.
ThePheonix is offline  
post #140 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 08:02 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,474
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePheonix View Post
All women that I've known had already given thought and consideration to cheating; even those involved in ONS. Hence, those "hanging out" in bars and other places open to meeting men.
Exactly what I meant. They've reached a point where for whatever reason they are open to stepping out. I am not a believer in "it just happened". I agree that this also includes ONS.
ReformedHubby is offline  
post #141 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 09:40 AM
Member
 
ThePheonix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,771
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Trust me, it doesn't "just happen". It's like the Conway Twitty song, "I've already loved you in my mind".
ThePheonix is offline  
post #142 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 151
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

man, relationships suck. I'm glad to see that more people are realising that the real reason they're so desperate to reconcile is fear of being single. Honestly, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you?

being single can be fun, and if you work on making yourself more attractive, you can have so much NSA sex instead of sitting at home like a ***** with a cheating *****/ man-*****.
metallicaluvr is offline  
post #143 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 02:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,474
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by metallicaluvr View Post
man, relationships suck. I'm glad to see that more people are realising that the real reason they're so desperate to reconcile is fear of being single. Honestly, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you?

being single can be fun, and if you work on making yourself more attractive, you can have so much NSA sex instead of sitting at home like a ***** with a cheating *****/ man-*****.
You sound kind of young, I don't mean that to offend, just an observation. When I was your age I hated unsolicited advice. But I'll offer you some anyway. NSA sex after a while becomes empty and pointless. It really is a lonely life when you don't have the emotional aspect of a relationship to go along with it. It just doesn't compare. Lastly, be careful not to let what you read in CWI make you pessimistic about finding someone special that will stay faithful.
ReformedHubby is offline  
post #144 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 03:39 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 151
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReformedHubby View Post
You sound kind of young, I don't mean that to offend, just an observation. When I was your age I hated unsolicited advice. But I'll offer you some anyway. NSA sex after a while becomes empty and pointless. It really is a lonely life when you don't have the emotional aspect of a relationship to go along with it. It just doesn't compare. Lastly, be careful not to let what you read in CWI make you pessimistic about finding someone special that will stay faithful.
I appreciate your wisdom. Getting advice is actually why I'm here lol, I just hate being TOLD what to do (clean this, fix that ugh).

idk if it's unusual for guys my age but I value the emotional connection in sex, too. I'm just saying that sometimes it seems to me that these low self-esteem BH's (idk about BW's) think that if they dump their ***** wife, they'll have to put so much effort into getting laid again. isn't self respect more important than sex?
metallicaluvr is offline  
post #145 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 03:58 PM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,989
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Self respect is highly important. Real love is tough to find. It feels so good, it's tough to let go. It's also hard to believe or understand that a woman does have an easier time of it. Well, it seems so more often than not. There are plenty here who have had a tough time. I guess it partially has to do with whether you were left of did the leaving.

As we get older, we have a tougher time finding someone because everyone has more baggage, including the BS. It's not impossible, but it becomes less and less likely as we get older. Unless you have a great job, a great retirement plan and good health and looks. Combine those with good character, a strong attitude that's not overbearing, a willingness to trust again and you have something. I'm sure there's more, but that's enough to make my point.

ReformedHubby is right, though. Don't let this place ruin you. There are plenty of marriages that are healthy. Most of them don't come here, though. This is more a place for marriages floundering on the rocks.


"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #146 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 02:04 AM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 151
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

you guys are really cool. I don't care about our age difference, if I could be friends with you guys in real life, I would. and @2ntnuf, I like your first quote a lot
metallicaluvr is offline  
post #147 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 02:28 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,323
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by metallicaluvr View Post
man, relationships suck. ~~
being single can be fun, and if you work on making yourself more attractive, you can have so much NSA sex instead of sitting at home like a ***** with a cheating *****/ man-*****.
I've just joined the single club. I was doing ONS, NSA sex all the time until I meet my wife who would end up my cheating lying evil lame excuse "love of my life" wayward. GOD it still hurts.

But yeah, there is a difference in sex and be gone... and sleeping, holding, spending LIVING time with another person. I'm very used to sleeping with my EX - I'm not sleeping well, its night 3 now. I don't remember actually sleeping but once in the past 5 days. I'm about to go to bed... emptyish.

I do want to find love again, but its going to take a while.

Meanwhile - I just installed Tinder. I'll play with it for a while - then maybe try to get something out of it in a few weeks. Some friends recommended.
TaDor is offline  
post #148 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 02:36 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,323
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Self respect is highly important. Real love is tough to find. It feels so good, it's tough to let go.

As we get older, we have a tougher time finding someone because everyone has more baggage, including the BS. It's not impossible, but it becomes less and less likely as we get older. Unless you have a great job, a great retirement plan and good health and looks. Combine those with good character, a strong attitude that's not overbearing, a willingness to trust again and you have something. I'm sure there's more, but that's enough to make my point.
I think REAL LOVE is hard to find. Sorry, been with enough women who start falling in love after a first time in the sack, ugh.

But I'm older and was content on living my life out with my XWW - now that is shot dead. I now have more baggage and I have a baby and I'm a man. Whose not well-off with $$$, but I got the looks

I'm going to be 46 in a few months, and my xww is 31 - so she's getting up there in the "older" age. Its easier for me to pick up 22~26yr old women than her to pick up younger guys - but then again, all a woman has to do is say "do me" - and someone will.

With my recent pain, I'll be going for the easy ones. Crappy empty sex.
But hey, a friend of mine met her husband using Ok Cupid for a ONS.
TaDor is offline  
post #149 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 10:11 AM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,861
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
As we get older, we have a tougher time finding someone because everyone has more baggage, including the BS. It's not impossible, but it becomes less and less likely as we get older. Unless you have a great job, a great retirement plan and good health and looks. Combine those with good character, a strong attitude that's not overbearing, a willingness to trust again and you have something.
Yeah, that's a significant deterrent to divorce. I'm in my 50's now. Women I'd consider long term relationships with would be roughly 40 to 55 yrs old. Presumably they'd be divorced (I'd be concerned if they'd never been married). So they'll have baggage. And potentially unknown negatives in their history. How could anyone be sure she didn't have a history of cheating? Without being in a long term relationship with her, how could one know if she was capable of being a good partner?

I've been told I would be attractive on the singles market. That's fine if true. It would make it easier to attract a variety of women to meet, but all of them will have their own faults and baggage.

To some extent then it comes down to is the devil we know better than the devil we don't?
Thor is offline  
post #150 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 03:41 PM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,989
Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
Yeah, that's a significant deterrent to divorce. I'm in my 50's now. Women I'd consider long term relationships with would be roughly 40 to 55 yrs old. Presumably they'd be divorced (I'd be concerned if they'd never been married). So they'll have baggage. And potentially unknown negatives in their history.
I'll be 54 at the end of September. I'm haven't even dated yet. I've been separated since June 2011 and divorced since July 2012. I'm not even in a place financially, emotionally or mentally to go out, let alone date.

Never married may or may not be an issue. Just don't know why and likely never will. It's all scary. And, I haven't met anyone or even seen anyone that has been attractive to me. I mean just at the store or something. You know how you sometimes see an attractive woman? Nope, not me. Those who are will likely be out of my league. I feel doomed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
How could anyone be sure she didn't have a history of cheating?
No one can ever know. Unless, they can talk with their friends who betray their trust. That's unlikely to happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
Without being in a long term relationship with her, how could one know if she was capable of being a good partner?
I suppose you could go to a marriage counselor and find out something, but that isn't even really enough. They can be fooled, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
I've been told I would be attractive on the singles market. That's fine if true. It would make it easier to attract a variety of women to meet, but all of them will have their own faults and baggage.
Yep, we all have baggage, especially at this age. Even if a woman is older and her children are gone, you will still have to deal with them and her ex-husband or the father of the children. Don't know if I am up for all that.

Kids won't necessarily respect you because you had no hand in raising them and many times they don't see the need for their mother to take a risk with her happiness. Been there with my mum, though she was older than I am when she remarried. She ended up burying him, though she was fine with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
To some extent then it comes down to is the devil we know better than the devil we don't?
That's why I did not seek a divorce when I knew she was cheating and also why I did not search for proof. It would have made it tougher, because I would have lost more love and respect for her than necessary. I didn't want to taint my memories with the thoughts of what she was doing and who it was with. She ended up making me know, and that's when I was hurt/harmed the most. Before that, I was okay, but bad. This was all before I came here.

Yes, I loved her more than anyone I'd ever known.

You know what? My counselor asked about someone I dated and if I'd be interested. Yeah, but I told her I wasn't sure how I'd handle her old man after they divorced and her children might hate me. She didn't say anything. I'm going to speak to her about that. Odd that she asked. It's been on my mind.

I get that these were more rhetorical questions. Just felt like giving my opinions, right or wrong. Sometimes, it's nice to get to know someone a little better.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Abuse Thread Blossom Leigh General Relationship Discussion 144 06-06-2016 04:16 PM
Wife's family still controls her after 23 years together mtnbiker General Relationship Discussion 27 01-11-2016 11:23 PM
Husband too busy to visit with my family MichelleR Long Term Success in Marriage 10 01-09-2016 03:54 PM
What are you gonna do if your HB has insulted you and your family? sonnenblueme General Relationship Discussion 5 12-09-2015 11:33 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome