how do APs rationalise destroying a family? - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #151 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 04:20 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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All women that I've known had already given thought and consideration to cheating; even those involved in ONS. Hence, those "hanging out" in bars and other places open to meeting men.
That is a select group,however.

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post #152 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:46 PM
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Angry Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

I know this thread is over a year old, but I can't stop feeling resentful towards predatory women & men that know the wayward spouses are married, have children etc. and still choose to have the affair.

I can't stop thinking about the OW and what a pitiful man-chasing hard up hoe she was and still is.
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post #153 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:27 PM
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APs are more like scavengers rather than predators most of the time. They gather the fallen fruit and carrion on the ground rather than expending effort and energy pursuing the strong.

In many cases it is actually the WS that makes the initial move and indicates their willingness. The AP is just picking up what has already fallen.

In the case of WWs, there is no easier NSA sex without any strings or without having to date or having to have candlelight dinners or moonlight walks on the beach.

A WW will never ask you to fix her car, patch her roof or unclog her toilet. She's got her chump for that.

All a WW will ask of her OM is attention, ego strokes and orgasms.

In return she'll put out.

A WW is the ultimate FB.

Single chicks want to be woo'd and charmed and catered to and then she'll worry if she is putting out too soon or too late and she'll always ask where things are going and if there is a future.

A WW needs none of that.
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post #154 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:47 PM
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But the question posed was "how" do APs justify breaking up families.

The answer is - they don't.

Not their circus, not their monkey.

The security and stability of the marital home and family are the responsibilities of the married couple. Not the playa' at the end of the bar. And not the cutie that started working in the secretarial float pool.

They are free agents that owe no alligence to anyone.

If they find the idea of getting down with a married person repugnant, they can walk away or even tell their spouse.

But if they find the WS sexually attractive and they have no other reason not to, the home and family is not on their radar. That's for the WS and the BS to worry about.

I hate to break it to ya, but if you are a married man and your wife is under 250lbs and doesn't smell bad, almost every man will take up her offer as long as she can convince him she won't ask anything of him.

And if you are a woman and your H is successful and in good shape and takes care of himself, there's going to desperate housewives and single girls that will gladly throw out your stuff and park their shoes in your closet.

When a couple gets married, they are the ones making the vows and signing the contract.

The rest of the world is not.
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post #155 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

I find it much more amazing how many people are completely degraded by their spouses in the worst possible way and as soon as said spouse apologize they are ready to just back into a relationship with them. So many accept this treatment, it's really astounds me. If you had told me this before I started reading these boards I would have told you you are crazy. But it's true. Men seem to do this more then women do.

I get that cheating is human nature to some extent, I hate it but I at least understand it. But the other makes no sense to me.

Also how many women are susceptible to compliments. It amazes me that for so many married women this is really all it takes. Prolonged compliments and they are ready to destroy their entire world, their family and their spouse who has often put in years of loyalty. It's actually scary. An unscrupulous man would look at this and realize all they need to do is compliment every women and if you only hit on 10% you still have a ton of women willing to give you what. I would actually be weary of a women who told me her primary love language is "words of affirmation", because they require little work and can't really be verified because they are so shallow in nature. They have as much substance as cotton candy, and yet so many lives are destroyed for them.

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post #156 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I find it much more amazing how many people are completely degraded by their spouses in the worst possible way and as soon as said spouse apologize they are ready to just back into a relationship with them. So many accept this treatment, it's really astounds me. If you had told me this before I started reading these boards I would have told you you are crazy. But it's true. Men seem to do this more then women do.



I get that cheating is human nature to some extent, I hate it but I at least understand it. But the other makes no sense to me.



Also how many women are susceptible to compliments. It amazes me that for so many married women this is really all it takes. Prolonged compliments and they are ready to destroy there entire world, their family and their spouse who has often put in years of loyalty. It's actually scary. An unscrupulous man would look at this and realize all they need to do is compliment every women and if you only hit on 10% you still have a ton of women willing to give you what. I would actually be weary of a women who told me her primary love language is "words of affirmation", because they require little work and can't really be verified because they are so shallow in nature. They have as much substance as cotton candy, and yet so many lives are destroyed for them.

So is it true you have no first hand experience with infidelity on either end but just know about this subject from what you read on the internet?
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post #157 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Many people only think about themselves and like to believe they are "special" and their situation is unique. Cheaters lie and will feed all kinds of lines to their AP about how their spouse treats them like roommates, they were never in love, they are only keeping up the facade for the sake of the children.

IMO, the WS is 100% at fault, not their AP who never made vows to the BS in the first place (unless they are also married and betraying their own spouse).

No wife or husband should ever have to rely on the sound judgement of a possible affair partner to respect the marital boundaries. That's the job of the married couple.
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post #158 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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So is it true you have no first hand experience with infidelity on either end but just know about this subject from what you read on the internet?
I don't have firsthand experience with infidelity in my own marriage but I've had people very close to me experience it and have spent many hours learning about affairs from psychologists. I've also had the opportunity to interview many mental health professionals for a living and have a (undergrad) degree in Psych.

I don't think you need firsthand experience to understand how devastating an affair can be, especially if you're married. Though I do recognize that those who do have firsthand experience have a lot of helpful advice to share with those going through it.
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post #159 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:10 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I don't have firsthand experience with infidelity in my own marriage but I've had people very close to me experience it and have spent many hours learning about affairs from psychologists. I've also had the opportunity to interview many mental health professionals for a living and have a (undergrad) degree in Psych.



I don't think you need firsthand experience to understand how devastating an affair can be, especially if you're married. Though I do recognize that those who do have firsthand experience have a lot of helpful advice to share with those going through it.

Thanks but my question was specific to another poster that writes prolifically against reconciliation.
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post #160 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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So is it true you have no first hand experience with infidelity on either end but just know about this subject from what you read on the internet?
Nope cheated on by my first love, found out after I proposed. Father was a serial cheater on almost every women he was with. I lived with the consequences quite a lot in my life first as a kid and then in the aftermath of my almost fiancee. At least she had the dignity of not saying yes and told me she had to think about it. That's what got me investigating. In my experience no one in my life was content to survive infidelity, they all got out of infidelity. Me included.

I have had no experience with people staying with someone who abused them so terribly. I also have no experience with anyone suggesting this is a good thing. Again shocking to me. Regular run of the mill ONS cheating, I can see why people stay together. In your face blatant abuse, the kind that show a total lack of respect and then advice to stay with such a person, nope. It's like staying with someone who beat you up and put you in the hospital. It's just wrong. Until I started reading these boards I would have thought my thinking was the norm.

If you read Reddit most people think like me, but that is a broader section of people. I think people who post on these types of boards tend to be the type who romanticize R. I mean SI for example is really a board for people who are very codependent and they are further isolated so that they can't even hear other ideas. Even Quality hates that board.

There is also a ton of fake post on there and more so since the women who started it died.


Last edited by sokillme; 04-04-2017 at 08:00 PM.
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post #161 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Yeah, that's a significant deterrent to divorce. I'm in my 50's now. Women I'd consider long term relationships with would be roughly 40 to 55 yrs old. Presumably they'd be divorced (I'd be concerned if they'd never been married). So they'll have baggage. And potentially unknown negatives in their history. How could anyone be sure she didn't have a history of cheating? Without being in a long term relationship with her, how could one know if she was capable of being a good partner?

I've been told I would be attractive on the singles market. That's fine if true. It would make it easier to attract a variety of women to meet, but all of them will have their own faults and baggage.

To some extent then it comes down to is the devil we know better than the devil we don't?
I may be remembering wrong, but didn't you say you were a pilot?

If that's the case then can't you just lose their baggage or get it sent elsewhere? You must know the right people. :-)
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post #162 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 08:38 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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No wife or husband should ever have to rely on the sound judgement of a possible affair partner to respect the marital boundaries. That's the job of the married couple.
This ^^^^^^^


The marriage is between the two people who exchange vows and sign the papers.

They are the ones held accountable to the vows and the contract, no 3rd parties make vows or sign contracts to not score off of a married person.

Yes, it's crappy of them but an AP is only out to feather their own nest. If some horny dude has an opportunity to score off a married chick, a ring is not going to stop him.

If some gal has a handsome, successful, charming man telling her that she is cuter and sexier and nicer than his cold, frigid, fat ol' wife and says if she plays her cards right she will be the lady of the manner, she will have no problem painting the walls and putting up her own décor in the house.
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post #163 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

In my divorce I cared .05% about the OM, it could have been anyone once she decided that she was willing to step out of the marriage. He meant nothing to me, she did. If I was going to yell at anyone it was her, not him.

The APs are not breaking up a marriage, by the time they show up on the scene the marriage is already broken (as in W or H is done with M) and they are picking up the pieces. Taking what is offered by the waywards....
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post #164 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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The APs are not breaking up a marriage, by the time they show up on the scene the marriage is already broken (as in W or H is done with M) and they are picking up the pieces. Taking what is offered by the waywards....
🙄

Umm there are definitely cases of wayward spouses that were pursued by their AP - meaning the OM or OW initiated contact/seduced/initiated sex. Of course the WS's choose to engage in the affair, no-one put a gun to their head, but they wouldn't have cheated if the AP wasn't chasing them
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post #165 of 165 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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��

Umm there are definitely cases of wayward spouses that were pursued by their AP - meaning the OM or OW initiated contact/seduced/initiated sex. Of course the WS's choose to engage in the affair, no-one put a gun to their head, but they wouldn't have cheated if the AP wasn't chasing them
Maybe so. But like our MC always said, it takes two to say yes and only one to say no. Being pursued is justification by the wayward. Most of us at some point in our marriages have had a chance to be with or pursued by an available OM or OW, I have and I chose not to cheat and if I really felt the OW was "The One" I would've gotten out of my marriage. My XW felt otherwise...

But then again I have never been very good at multi-tasking, and I have an awful poker face.
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