Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?
Just because you may practice what you preach does not mean others do. I read several forums, not just this one. The vitriol by some BS's to divorce the cheating harlot is often commented upon by the betrayed. Heck, many, post R or post D often point that out in their "epilogue" so to speak.
To say that it is easier to "kill a stranger than someone you know" is exactly what I meant to say. AP's who have no connection to the betrayed's family don't care about them one bit. They are concepts. Look into old target practice to see why they started using human shaped targets rather than bullseyes. It was harder to shoot a human target in real life because that made it seem more real.
In the context of infidelity, it does not make one "better" simply because you did not know the kids or the human fall out. I simply point out that it made it easier. Heck, take this forum. How many here, who have gone after another poster for something they disagreed with use the same tone, language and aggressiveness with people that you know? It's rare. The beauty of the internet is that folks don't see the human on the other side. It what makes trolling people so easy. That is a documented fact. The same applies in affairs. If the AP does not know the kids, they can ruin their lives pretty easily.
Finally, I don't make excuses or rationalizations for cheaters. In my world, I have seen people do unspeakable things to others. I genuinely mean the stuff of nightmares. I deal with evil often. As a result, I like to understand what enabled them to do what they did.
I've learned that criminals, some not all, depersonalize their victims. They will say that they did not see the kid as their ______. Instead, just an object. Now, to me, that is no excuse. It does not make them "better" than the one who sees he victim as they really are. Still, it allowed me to understand the mental workings of monsters. I learned from some old detectives that to catch a criminal, you had to think like one (not become one). Understand their motivation, mentality, etc. That is one reason why serial killers are so hard to catch. They lack a "normal" starting point. We have gotten better at catching them and tracking them because we studied them. We can profile them.
Thus, in my clinical (detached) way of viewing the question and in light of the WS's who have talked about their mentality, you see a detachment. The so called relationship exists in this fantasy world that they created. The consequences were not real probabilities to them at the time. The pain of their spouses was not even something they could conceptualize. Now add to that the fact that you want to know if they thought of the other person's family. Of course not. It was even easier if they did not know the family.
While I fault AP's without qualfication (except for the one's who did not know they were the OP) I lay the blame squarely on the WS. To risk their family, who they know, allegedly love, and are supposed to protect, is to me the ultimate betrayal. In my mind, the AP was not expected to care (I know it ignores basic human decency, but let's be real), but the WS was.