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post #16 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by metallicaluvr View Post
Yeah, why be an accessory to destroying a family though? YKWIM? if the WS is the gun, why be the bullet?

You can do two things when a hot married woman wants to **** you: 1) **** her or 2) try to drive some sense into her head.
You must be young. Your perspective will change in 10-15 years. I used to think like you.

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post #17 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:35 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by metallicaluvr View Post
Yeah, why be an accessory to destroying a family though? YKWIM? if the WS is the gun, why be the bullet?

You can do two things when a hot married woman wants to **** you: 1) **** her or 2) try to drive some sense into her head.
Disagree with driving some sense into her head. Why? She will only convince your weakened mind that you want her as much or more.

You have no responsibility to her, only yourself and your marriage. Just get away and stay away. There is always a way of removing yourself from their presence.

Don't want to lose what you have built over the years? Learn a new lesson. You gave up what you built when it began and you didn't get away immediately or put a stop to it. These are consequences of actions. Have the guts to face them and any others that were "unintended".

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post #18 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:35 AM
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I think the question, while a good one,, misses what is going on. The AP never really had the be family in their mind or heart, with the exception of folks who know and are close to the family.

A stranger has no real knowledge or concern for your family. They are an existential concept. Sort of like WW's here. Male BS 's here are quick to blast another's WW and say divorce the *****. Why? Because she's not their wife. Her qualities, etc mean nothing to them. OTOH they stay with their ww. Its not hypocrisy, per we. Its just that she is a concept and not a person. Soooo, to and AP, thew other family is a concept. Its easy to disregard a concept.

For those who know or are close to the other family, well.... Evil and selfish.

In the end, the WS beards all of that responsibility. They had the most invested and still cheated. That is where the focus should be.
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post #19 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:37 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I don't get it either, I am dealing with it right now. With a coworker she used to hate, no less!!!
I can sympathize with that. Same situation here. I think the initial hate actually feeds in the affair. IMO the cheater has strong emotions about the OM, in our cases it's hatred. Then when/if the other person starts showing any kindness, it starts the snowball rolling and swings the emotional feeling completely to the other side, moving to EA and then PA.
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post #20 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:46 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

I won't lie, the hatred is mutual now but I think this <f-bomb> just does it because he likes to play with his giggle stick. He is wracking up points...
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post #21 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:49 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I think the question, while a good one,, misses what is going on. The AP never really had the be family in their mind or heart, with the exception of folks who know and are close to the family.

A stranger has no real knowledge or concern for your family. They are an existential concept. Sort of like WW's here. Male BS 's here are quick to blast another's WW and say divorce the *****. Why? Because she's not their wife. Her qualities, etc mean nothing to them. OTOH they stay with their ww. Its not hypocrisy, per we. Its just that she is a concept and not a person. Soooo, to and AP, thew other family is a concept. Its easy to disregard a concept.

For those who know or are close to the other family, well.... Evil and selfish.

In the end, the WS beards all of that responsibility. They had the most invested and still cheated. That is where the focus should be.
Can you help me understand your rationalization of the responsibility of the AP?

I am actually thinking that these AP's are more evil, due to your explanation. I don't think you meant that. Did you?

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post #22 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

He is a man *****, things she despised... And she would cuss about him, being a royal a$$hole to her at work, nitpicking on trivial matters. I understand why, they have to face FAA compliance, but I also saw what else was going on; he was acting like the seven year old that would punch the girl in the arm at recess to get her attention. Dip her pigtails in inkwells. I was just stupid enough to think it wouldn't work on her...
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post #23 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I think the question, while a good one,, misses what is going on. The AP never really had the be family in their mind or heart, with the exception of folks who know and are close to the family.

A stranger has no real knowledge or concern for your family. They are an existential concept. Sort of like WW's here. Male BS 's here are quick to blast another's WW and say divorce the *****. Why? Because she's not their wife. Her qualities, etc mean nothing to them. OTOH they stay with their ww. Its not hypocrisy, per we. Its just that she is a concept and not a person. Soooo, to and AP, thew other family is a concept. Its easy to disregard a concept.

For those who know or are close to the other family, well.... Evil and selfish.

In the end, the WS beards all of that responsibility. They had the most invested and still cheated. That is where the focus should be.
Dude, that's like saying you can kill a stranger because that stranger means nothing to you.

Btw, FWIW, I'm here after getting fed up of SI, and the BH's that reconcile there seem to always push for reconciliation with others too, no matter how disgusting the betrayal. Vice-versa with divorced husbands. Anyway, that's off-topic but just my response to your statement
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post #24 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:00 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Sort of like WW's here. Male BS 's here are quick to blast another's WW and say divorce the *****. Why? Because she's not their wife. Her qualities, etc mean nothing to them.
Nonsense... I practice what I preach. Many of us advise from experience.

I was officially divorced from my WW 6 weeks after D-Day and that took too long in my opinion.

I have since been proven right time and again that she was remorseless and would never change. They RARELY do.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #25 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

To respond:

Just because you may practice what you preach does not mean others do. I read several forums, not just this one. The vitriol by some BS's to divorce the cheating harlot is often commented upon by the betrayed. Heck, many, post R or post D often point that out in their "epilogue" so to speak.

To say that it is easier to "kill a stranger than someone you know" is exactly what I meant to say. AP's who have no connection to the betrayed's family don't care about them one bit. They are concepts. Look into old target practice to see why they started using human shaped targets rather than bullseyes. It was harder to shoot a human target in real life because that made it seem more real.

In the context of infidelity, it does not make one "better" simply because you did not know the kids or the human fall out. I simply point out that it made it easier. Heck, take this forum. How many here, who have gone after another poster for something they disagreed with use the same tone, language and aggressiveness with people that you know? It's rare. The beauty of the internet is that folks don't see the human on the other side. It what makes trolling people so easy. That is a documented fact. The same applies in affairs. If the AP does not know the kids, they can ruin their lives pretty easily.

Finally, I don't make excuses or rationalizations for cheaters. In my world, I have seen people do unspeakable things to others. I genuinely mean the stuff of nightmares. I deal with evil often. As a result, I like to understand what enabled them to do what they did.

I've learned that criminals, some not all, depersonalize their victims. They will say that they did not see the kid as their ______. Instead, just an object. Now, to me, that is no excuse. It does not make them "better" than the one who sees he victim as they really are. Still, it allowed me to understand the mental workings of monsters. I learned from some old detectives that to catch a criminal, you had to think like one (not become one). Understand their motivation, mentality, etc. That is one reason why serial killers are so hard to catch. They lack a "normal" starting point. We have gotten better at catching them and tracking them because we studied them. We can profile them.

Thus, in my clinical (detached) way of viewing the question and in light of the WS's who have talked about their mentality, you see a detachment. The so called relationship exists in this fantasy world that they created. The consequences were not real probabilities to them at the time. The pain of their spouses was not even something they could conceptualize. Now add to that the fact that you want to know if they thought of the other person's family. Of course not. It was even easier if they did not know the family.

While I fault AP's without qualfication (except for the one's who did not know they were the OP) I lay the blame squarely on the WS. To risk their family, who they know, allegedly love, and are supposed to protect, is to me the ultimate betrayal. In my mind, the AP was not expected to care (I know it ignores basic human decency, but let's be real), but the WS was.

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post #26 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 11:50 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

I didn't figure it wrong, @bigfoot. I got you loud and clear. Thank you for explaining.

According to you, those AP's are equivalent to a serial killer or a child abuser. They have no desire to consider the consequences of their actions or that the person they are having sex with is a human being with a life, loves, dislikes, a family which possibly includes children though definitely includes folks she considers as important in her life, a life which she loves so much that she will attempt to ruin what she built to live happily by having an affair with someone she knows less about than her own husband. He knows she is desperate as does a serial killer with a victim. It causes him to feel powerful and godlike. It gives him comfort to know he has some control in a life without control. And, we all have lives which we can't control much other than our own actions and reactions.

Guess what? You proved further to me that the AP is as much at fault or more, than a poor abused woman who is just seeking to satisfy her sexual desires, her need to be respected, not physically and/or emotionally hurt anymore, and who is just wanting to be loved and cared for.

Seems by your explanation, the AP is a monster, though I doubt he really is. He's just a simpleton whose britches(colloquialism for breeches) are bigger than his capacity for real understanding and empathy.

Something isn't right with your response. I'll think about it. Thank you for explaining.

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post #27 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

I don't know how they can not look at the families they are disrupting.

When I was between the ages of 16 and about 19 I had a few offers from married woman for sex, I always backed off when I thought about their children. I remember thinking "this is little Davids Mom" etc. Not that the offer was not tempting.

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post #28 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 12:10 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Just because you may practice what you preach does not mean others do. I read several forums, not just this one. The vitriol by some BS's to divorce the cheating harlot is often commented upon by the betrayed.
Now you're just over complicating like the OP.

The question to reconcile is based on one factor. Is the WS remorseful? 95% of the time, based on the poster's statements, they are not so most of the time the advise is to divorce.

That's it. It has nothing to do with projecting or bitterness or vitriol. Many BS's are in a fog and are looking for some "magic wand" solution rather than being told the cold truth. Ironically, denial many times is what put them in their situation in the first place.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #29 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 12:26 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

Speaking from a male perspective, you can characterize the AP as a selfish SOB, but that's an over simplification. Everyone typically looks out for their self interest in most respects. From reading these post it seems most BH are more than willing for the "POSOM" to bear the brunt of the blame for the affair. Like it or not, here's my observation over 12+ years with numerous married female clients.
1. Without the risk of serious jail time, you cannot make a woman do anything she doesn't want to do.
2. Women who cheat have lost that loving feeling for her husband. The phrase they use, "ILYBINILWY" is typically repeated, after changing the "you" to "him", to the man they now choose to be with as "womanese" to justify the affair, (mostly to herself), but not divorcing her old man. The OM really doesn't give a crap why she's cheating. Out of the many unfaithful women I've known, I've yet to see one that wanted to stay married because they love and respected their husband.
3. Despite the claim by many BH that she just says she is mistreated, ignored, or abused, its often their perspective and oftentimes true. Just because the husband wants to believe all is well, men oftentimes ignore or reject what their wives are telling them via words or body language.
4. From the OM perspective, he figures if she's primed to cheat on her husband, (a) it's his problem, and (b) most important, if he doesn't take her up on her offer, some guy down the line will, so he's really not doing anything that ain't going to get done anyway and it may as well be him enjoying her charms. It ain't the OM who's destroying your marriage. Its your wife, who's willing to scheme, lie and pay out your family money in order to meet me. If you're expecting other guys to run interference to block your wife from cheating , you ain't going to have a lot of luck.
The only thing more pathetic than a guy who whines around blaming everybody but his wife and himself for the demise of his marriage, is the guy who marries one of these habitual cheating chicks thinking he has what it takes to tame her.

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post #30 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 01:00 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Speaking from a male perspective, you can characterize the AP as a selfish SOB, but that's an over simplification. Everyone typically looks out for their self interest in most respects. From reading thses post it seems most BH are more than will for the "POSOM" to bear the brunt of the blame for the affair. Like it or not, here's my observation over 12+ years with numerous married female clients.
1. Without the risk of serious jail time, you cannot make a woman do anything she doesn't want to do.
2. Women who cheat have lost that loving feeling for her husband. The phrase they use, "ILYBINILWY" is typically repeated, after changing the "you" to "him", to the man they now choose to be with as "womanese" to justify the affair, (mostly to herself), but not divorcing her old man. The OM really doesn't give a crap why she's cheating. Out of the many unfaithful women I've known, I've yet to see one that wanted to stay married because they love and respected their husband.
3. Despite the claim by many BH that she just says she is mistreated, ignored, or abused, its often their perspective and oftentimes true. Just because the husband wants to believe all is well, men oftentimes ignore or reject what their wives are telling them via words or body language.
4. From the OM perspective, he figures if she's primed to cheat on her husband, (a) it's his problem, and (b) most important, if he doesn't take her up on her offer, some guy down the line will, so he's really not doing anything that ain't going to get done anyway and it may as well be him enjoying her charms. It ain't the OM who's destroying your marriage. Its your wife, who's willing to scheme, lie and pay out your family money in order to meet me. If you're expecting other guys to run interference to block your wife from cheating , you ain't going to have a lot of luck.
The only thing more pathetic than a guy who whines around blaming everybody but his wife and himself for the demise of his marriage, is the guy who marries one of these habitual cheating chicks thinking he has what it takes to tame her.
You misunderstand. This is about who is to blame for the affair, not the demise of the marriage.

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