how do APs rationalise destroying a family? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:25 PM
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I asked the POSOM in my case pretty much the exact question (via text):

"Well I guess mainly I needed some confirmation that you have given me. But I would like to know - did the severity and ramifications of what you were doing ever even cross your mind? I realize that these things happen with sickening regularity in our society......but I can't help but wonder...from the perspective of an affair partner, do you even acknowledge the harm your actions cause or have the potential to cause to someone else? Someone that never did anything wrong to you or ever invited that **** into their lives?"

I got crickets. I ended with:

"Well either you struggle with motor skill functions, or you've decided to decline my last question. I'll leave off now. You are a piece of crap for what you've done, but you're just a kid too, so there's still hope. A bit early in your life yet to be defined by it. Thanks for speaking up. As far as my wife is concerned, I'm not going to waste my time telling you to stay away from her. If she can't set those boundaries for herself and enforce them then it's on her. I don't even know at this point if I have it in me to try this again. We'll see where I am when things are clearer to me. Have a nice life and do yourself a favor and commit to not being a piece of ****. The world has plenty of them as it is."

I can only assume that the answer to the OP is: No, they just don't give a sh1t.

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post #47 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 08:39 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by soccermom2three View Post
I think my Dad's AP wanted a meal ticket and that's how she justified sleeping with a married man. She thought my Dad was well off because he owned his own business and lived in a nice suburb. She was a thirty-ish, single mom. We were really just your average middle class family. My Dad's business had its good years and bad. She was so confident that my Dad would leave my Mom, that she knocked on our front door and confronted my mom and told her everything. My Dad dropped her liked a hot potato.
Holy hell!!!

Ballsy but your dad deserved the embarrassment.
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post #48 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:07 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by ThePheonix View Post
Speaking from a male perspective, you can characterize the AP as a selfish SOB, but that's an over simplification. Everyone typically looks out for their self interest in most respects. From reading these post it seems most BH are more than willing for the "POSOM" to bear the brunt of the blame for the affair. Like it or not, here's my observation over 12+ years with numerous married female clients.
1. Without the risk of serious jail time, you cannot make a woman do anything she doesn't want to do.
2. Women who cheat have lost that loving feeling for her husband. The phrase they use, "ILYBINILWY" is typically repeated, after changing the "you" to "him", to the man they now choose to be with as "womanese" to justify the affair, (mostly to herself), but not divorcing her old man. The OM really doesn't give a crap why she's cheating. Out of the many unfaithful women I've known, I've yet to see one that wanted to stay married because they love and respected their husband.
3. Despite the claim by many BH that she just says she is mistreated, ignored, or abused, its often their perspective and oftentimes true. Just because the husband wants to believe all is well, men oftentimes ignore or reject what their wives are telling them via words or body language.
4. From the OM perspective, he figures if she's primed to cheat on her husband, (a) it's his problem, and (b) most important, if he doesn't take her up on her offer, some guy down the line will, so he's really not doing anything that ain't going to get done anyway and it may as well be him enjoying her charms. It ain't the OM who's destroying your marriage. Its your wife, who's willing to scheme, lie and pay out your family money in order to meet me. If you're expecting other guys to run interference to block your wife from cheating , you ain't going to have a lot of luck.
The only thing more pathetic than a guy who whines around blaming everybody but his wife and himself for the demise of his marriage, is the guy who marries one of these habitual cheating chicks thinking he has what it takes to tame her.
While I do not agree that many cheating women are neglected or abused( most are poor communicators and have expected clairvoyance), I do agree that it is incredibly foolish to marry any person thzt has any hiztory of infidelity.
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post #49 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:23 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Many of them are narcissists, and narcissists lack empathy. They know right from wrong, they just don't care. The best way to deal with a narcissist, is to not deal with one.
A great majority of WS probably are narcs.
Narcs don't think like 'normal' decent human beings - the reason BS are stunned & mystified as to how WS could have had an A.

- Main trait is lack of empathy. They do have 'feelings'. . i.e. they feel lots of sympathy for themselves which they use to justify the A.
- They feel entitled which gives them another excuse for A.
- Remorse isn't part of their vocabulary which may explain why there are so few truly remorseful WS on TAM.
- They are liars. "I love you" to BS one minute & off to see AP in the next. And all the rest of the lies needed in an A. Easy.
- Doing R with a narc. . . probably explains why R is so difficult and takes years. . . and also why false R is so common.

Narcs seem to have all the traits needed to be able to have an A.

As far as AP & blame. . . I don't know how blame might be apportioned.
WS & AP belong to 'Tribe Narc' so they both find an A easy to do.
Neither of them care who gets stomped on, even if there are kids involved.
When there are kids, they still manage to find the time to have an A, to get what THEY want. The hell with everyone else.

If you think your WS is from Tribe Narc - run for the hills.

"We just kissed".
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post #50 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:30 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

The POSOM who is 21, I said something to the fact he was a turd. He responded back with something like "If you really cared about her - you would let <wayward> go.". My response "You f up little turd, if you cared about her - you wouldn't have help mess up her life. If you gave a crap, you wouldn't done things that would hurt her and endanger her life. Help cost her to lose rights to her baby and her family. You never would have been accepted as her boyfriend to her family, you are hated, always will be by them." I confirmed he saw the video of her breaking his "gift" to her at least.

BTW, yes IT was always on my WW to not break the boundaries - not the POSOM, but he was still a part of the problem and worked against not only MY interests - but that of my family unit and of course my wife. It was always about what he WANTED and it didn't matter who he hurt. He didn't care.

Hopefully I'll never see that POSOT ("T" = Turd, rather than [M]an) which is what I call him. "turd" to my therapist or my wayward. I like my last view of him seeing us leaving the court building with his sad & begging face for my wayward to look at him as we walked by - to legally get him out of our lives.

I don't like liars. I don't like being lied to.
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post #51 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 09:35 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

@Moonshadow : But as we see as well as research, affairs can be had from healthy marriages. Being a narcissists is not a requirement. We've seen BS do revenge affairs... which in the end usually doesn't make them much better, but an understandable re-action.

The situation of today allows for more affairs to happen... but then again, people have been cheating since recorded history.
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post #52 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:12 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post

Now I'm curious. What do you believe are the other purposes for an affair?
Any number of reasons but primarily they are using affairs to transition out of a marriage that is not satisfying or they a lonely and feel ignored. You can draw a certain inference on this site because many BHs continue to deny there was a problem in their marriage. The title of this thread demonstrates how a betrayed wants to place the blame outside their own partnership.
Few women get involved in affairs without giving it considerable thought and less likely to just fall into it. (unless they got hit on by Brad Pitt) A number of wayward wives who claim to love their husbands are really in love with being married. If you drill down, you see it.


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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Please enlighten us to the complexities of the AP if saying they are selfish is oversimplified LOL.
Why does it matter if the OM is a selfish SOB if its your wife that's laying down with him? Yes, he's concerned with his own pleasure but that a little like blaming the profit hungry casino owners when some cat walks in and loses all his grocery money. It still goes that the wayward is responsible for the damage to their own marriage.
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post #53 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:14 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Someone once posted something like, what if the AP doesn't know the WS is married? Well, doesn't everyone have a responsibility to themselves, to know what they are getting into? Sure we all make mistakes. Even when it's a mistake, at some point, it becomes a decision. When is that?
My sis fell for a hell of a player years ago. He owned a business, and was able to hide money from his wife. He rented a f-pad and made it seem like it was where he lived. He then made up stories about traveling frequently, when it really was him spending time with his family. Then he'd tell his wife he was traveling when he was really nailing his latest conquest and spending the night with her.

His wife got suspicious, found out about the place and all hell broke loose.
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post #54 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:19 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by metallicaluvr View Post
I get that, I asked this question because of my belief that there's no one in this world who is 100% evil.

Hell, even PRISONERS beat up child molesters. Why? Because they harmed a CHILD, god damn it!
I wouldn't paint most of them with particularly altruistic motives though. Prisons are loaded with men who've been molested, never dealt with it properly and blame many of their life's struggles on that molestation.

Beating on a molester is personal therapy. They can't beat on the one that hurt them, so then they transfer that anger to another and release the anger on them as a surrogate.
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post #55 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:33 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by ThePheonix View Post
Any number of reasons but primarily they are using affairs to transition out of a marriage that is not satisfying or they a lonely and feel ignored. You can draw a certain inference on this site because many BHs continue to deny there was a problem in their marriage. The title of this thread demonstrates how a betrayed wants to place the blame outside their own partnership.
Few women get involved in affairs without giving it considerable thought and less likely to just fall into it. (unless they got hit on by Brad Pitt) A number of wayward wives who claim to love their husbands are really in love with being married. If you drill down, you see it.
Your primary reason is something I believe I posted in this thread, though I fight my natural desire to believe that all women leaving a relationship will do that. I don't believe that is even possible. It's an absolute. It is, however, frightening to think that even most women would have an affair to get out of a relationship.

It seems that very roughly correlates with another member's post which, paraphrasing, said that he believed women fall in and out of love with sex, or something like that. So, if she wants to fall in love with another man so she isn't lonely, all she needs do is have sex.

I find that very difficult to believe, but entertain the idea for it's humor. Am I mistaken about it's comical value? Is it something that needs taken seriously?


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post #56 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:44 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by larry.gray View Post
My sis fell for a hell of a player years ago. He owned a business, and was able to hide money from his wife. He rented a f-pad and made it seem like it was where he lived. He then made up stories about traveling frequently, when it really was him spending time with his family. Then he'd tell his wife he was traveling when he was really nailing his latest conquest and spending the night with her.

His wife got suspicious, found out about the place and all hell broke loose.
That's a very sad story. Seems she was completely duped and never caught on.

As David Hannum likely said in criticism of P.T. Barnum, "There's a sucker born every minute."

Though, knowing you, if she is half as intelligent, she must have been in denial to never even have seen one red flag.

I do think it would be easy to fool a one night stand.

By the way, I don't think AP's are completely at fault, just 50%. It takes two to tango. One has a responsibility to their vows, their word, their character, their dignity(or to make it simpler, themselves), their family, their spouse, their children, etc., while the other only has a responsibility to themselves, their family's pride...well, maybe I'm talking myself right into believing the AP has almost as much responsibility as the WS?

Meh, 50 - 50 sounds pretty good.

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post #57 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-25-2016, 10:50 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

APs don't really care, so there's nothing for them to rationalize.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #58 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 12:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
APs don't really care, so there's nothing for them to rationalize.
now that it's my thread, I don't have to care about threadjacking.

Gus, you're cool because of your similar taste in music with me, but is that guy in your profile pic you? because: 1) he looks really funny and 2)he needs to lose some serious weight.

Last edited by metallicaluvr; 03-26-2016 at 12:05 AM. Reason: messed up a stupid word
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post #59 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 12:40 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
I fight my natural desire to believe that all women leaving a relationship will do that. I don't believe that is even possible. It's an absolute. It is, however, frightening to think that even most women would have an affair to get out of a relationship.
The ones that do, and there are many, just don't want to jump out of the marriage into cold reality of having no one there for them. Its human nature. People don like to give anything up until they have a suitable replacement acquired. Most folks don't sell their houses, cars, etc., until they've bought another.
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post #60 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-26-2016, 12:53 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
By the way, I don't think AP's are completely at fault, just 50%. It takes two to tango. One has a responsibility to their vows, their word, their character, their dignity(or to make it simpler, themselves), their family, their spouse, their children, etc., while the other only has a responsibility to themselves, their family's pride...well, maybe I'm talking myself right into believing the AP has almost as much responsibility as the WS?

Meh, 50 - 50 sounds pretty good.
I understand most want to distribute the responsibility, I think those betrayed that want to save the marriage find a certain amount of solace in the wayward only assigned half the blame. But to me is like robbing a bank. If two people do it they don't half the sentence they would if a single robber did it. Besides, how does it work if the WS was involved with two or three AP over a span of time? Is it distributed a third or a fourth to each?
In my mind, the cheating spouse is 100% responsible for their decision to cheat. They deserve all the credit if they reject the advance.
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