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post #91 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 05:49 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by metallicaluvr View Post
No dude, that's some hogwash that websites like MarriageBuilders come up with. The owner of that site, whatever his ****ing name is, shared a letter where this guy talked about how his wife one day walks up to him, tells him his two-year-old daughter is actually a product of an affair she had, and walked away. And he was advised to reconcile because she "went NC with the AP." DUDE! I'd like to see him raise another man's love child just because his wife doesn't talk to the father anymore...

Anyway, my point is that I don't discriminate between genders for anything. A WH is no better or worse than a WW to me, and on a side-note, as I like 80's and 90's metal bands, I was once yelled at by my principal for having long hair. It is my biggest regret that I didn't point at a random girl and say, "why does she get to have long hair and not me? because I'm a boy? who says boys can't have long hair? Is it written somewhere in a book?" grr...
If you read any of Willard Harley's stuff, it becomes apparent that the man is a sexist dinosaur. He has a tremendous double standard re the genders and his advice is slanted against males.

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post #92 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 06:54 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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If you read any of Willard Harley's stuff, it becomes apparent that the man is a sexist dinosaur. He has a tremendous double standard re the genders and his advice is slanted against males.
Which is why I discount everything he writes as bullsh1t.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"

Last edited by The Middleman; 03-29-2016 at 02:09 PM. Reason: Because I type like crap
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post #93 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 07:01 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by VeryHurt View Post
Metal ~

Your question has been an unanswered one since the beginning of time and there are a boatload of people here on TAM who wish they had the answer.

Why does anyone knowingly, willingly, deliberately and intentionally indulge in an affair with a married person with a family?

Because they are selfish, self-centered, probably narcissist, probably has some type of a personality disorder, probably had a messed up childhood and/or a cold distant parent and now has deep-seeded issues. loves the thrills of secret trysts .............need I go on?

People who are well-balanced, loving and empathetic will never understand the evils that possess a cheater.

VH
I knew a young woman who loved to date married men. She was in her mid 20's and preferred older married men. She quite analytical about it, It just suited her needs better. She liked them because they weren't overly needy or clingy, they often had money and would treat her nice. She believed his fidelity was on him, not her. Go figure, she's divorced after cheating on her husband.

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post #94 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 07:37 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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If you read any of Willard Harley's stuff, it becomes apparent that the man is a sexist dinosaur. He has a tremendous double standard re the genders and his advice is slanted against males.
He's actually a brilliant guy.

But, like most people, he has areas where he's a bit shortsighted.

If you read his thoughts on "love busting", he's on it.

Emotional outbursts, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, selfish demands...

All - completely spot on.

If I were to critique him, he includes "annoying habits" in his list.

Well, who is to "judge" what's an annoying habit?

Countless numbers of men attempt to "change" those annoying habits, only to find that the goalposts move.

Harley is mute on this very typical and harmful problem.

"We're not connected, but we 'would be' if only YOU would change this annoying habit"

So, one changes that "annoying habit" only to find there is now "another reason" why we're not "connected"

Last edited by ReturntoZero; 03-27-2016 at 07:41 PM.
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post #95 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 07:56 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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He's actually a brilliant guy.

But, like most people, he has areas where he's a bit shortsighted.

If you read his thoughts on "love busting", he's on it.

Emotional outbursts, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, selfish demands...

All - completely spot on.

If I were to critique him, he includes "annoying habits" in his list.

Well, who is to "judge" what's an annoying habit?

Countless numbers of men attempt to "change" those annoying habits, only to find that the goalposts move.

Harley is mute on this very typical and harmful problem.

"We're not connected, but we 'would be' if only YOU would change this annoying habit"

So, one changes that "annoying habit" only to find there is now "another reason" why we're not "connected"
We will have to disagree on his lntellect. But, there is little doubt that he is biased against men,IMO.
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post #96 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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We will have to disagree on his lntellect. But, there is little doubt that he is biased against men,IMO.
I'm sure it helps his sales.

Telling the truth about female vice in today's culture isn't a smart economic move.
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post #97 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 09:18 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I'm sure it helps his sales.

Telling the truth about female vice in today's culture isn't a smart economic move.
Basically, Harley advises a betrayed spouse to engage in the " Pick Me Dance" as described on Chump Lady.
Who in his or her right mind is going to "Make the marriage the best option" ,with this insane "Plan A" strategy. One has to be a complete doormat to do this.
And,he has this crazy notion that the affair should never be talked about after full discclosure and that husbands should never expect an apology. This is rugsweeping at its finest.
Then, he suggest that betrayed husbands engage in this "Pick me dance" for 4 times as long as betrayed wives. He insults women by suggesting they have less endurance for this, and he insults men by suggesting that they have less value and should suffer longer than women.

He says you can never spend even one night apart from your spouse. That is nuts. The guy is a fruitcake.
Ever hear his radio show. He is dim witted.
And,he allows some crazed woman named " Melody Lane" to dominate his forum and castigate anyone who takes issue with anything her idol( and she is a major groupie) says.
And this woman is dumber than a brick. Yet, he never reins her in.
Brilliant? The guy is an imbecile,IMO.
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post #98 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 09:22 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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IMO, you are correct that many cheating women are dissatisfied in their marriages.
However, itt also appears to me that these women have been socialized to not take responsibility for their own happiness and have unrealistic expectations of what tbeir spouse can do for them in that regard.
I don't know how prevalent it is, but it certainly felt that way to me. Near the end, I remember so many conversations that went like:

Her: "I want to be happy, but you're not helping."
Me: "OK, well, how should I help? What goal are you looking at? New job? Volunteer work? Hobby? What sort of project do you want to tackle that you think will bring meaning? We have resources.. pick away, and I'll do what I can to support it."
Her: "Why are you pushing it off on me?"
Me: "I want to help, but I can't, y'know, just CREATE meaning for you. It has to come from yourself. Once you choose a path, I can help, though!"
Her: "You don't understand."
Me: "Guess not.."
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post #99 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 09:26 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I don't know how prevalent it is, but it certainly felt that way to me. Near the end, I remember so many conversations that went like:

Her: "I want to be happy, but you're not helping."
Me: "OK, well, how should I help? What goal are you looking at? New job? Volunteer work? Hobby? What sort of project do you want to tackle that you think will bring meaning? We have resources.. pick away, and I'll do what I can to support it."
Her: "Why are you pushing it off on me?"
Me: "I want to help, but I can't, y'know, just CREATE meaning for you. It has to come from yourself. Once you choose a path, I can help, though!"
Her: "You don't understand."
Me: "Guess not.."
How incredibly frustrating.
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post #100 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Originally Posted by truster View Post
I don't know how prevalent it is, but it certainly felt that way to me. Near the end, I remember so many conversations that went like:

Her: "I want to be happy, but you're not helping."
Me: "OK, well, how should I help? What goal are you looking at? New job? Volunteer work? Hobby? What sort of project do you want to tackle that you think will bring meaning? We have resources.. pick away, and I'll do what I can to support it."
Her: "Why are you pushing it off on me?"
Me: "I want to help, but I can't, y'know, just CREATE meaning for you. It has to come from yourself. Once you choose a path, I can help, though!"
Her: "You don't understand."
Me: "Guess not.."
I told my crazy ex more than once I felt like a circus act trying to entertain and make her happy. Every suggest you made, I made and I usually got 50 excuses why she couldn't.....


Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #101 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 10:48 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I've read that post a few times in different threads. It is indeed as disturbing as you say. But I have always questioned if its real or not. I say this because I've known a lot of men that serially cheat on their wives. I wouldn't say that any of them specifically target married women, or put much effort into trying to turn a good woman bad. A few I know have slept with married women, but it didn't take much convincing on their part.

These guys aren't players or pick up artists. If we're talking serial cheaters. They're bottom feeders that really only care about one thing, and they don't want to put in a whole lot of effort to get it.
I am referring to serial OMs, who may be married but probably are usually single. They prey on married women.

My wife's ex-bf assclown is one such predator. He specifically targets married women. He is now divorced. He was a predator before he was married, and he is a predator now he is divorced. I presume he targeted married women while he was married, too.

The married guy who likes to screw other women whether or not they are married is a different kind of cheater than the type I was referring to.

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post #102 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-27-2016, 11:55 PM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

I do not know if predator accurately describes these people. After all,their " prey" are willing participants,equally motivated to engage,unlike true prey.
They are *******s,no doubt. But,IMO, not predators.
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post #103 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-28-2016, 04:58 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I knew a young woman who loved to date married men. She was in her mid 20's and preferred older married men. She quite analytical about it, It just suited her needs better. She liked them because they weren't overly needy or clingy, they often had money and would treat her nice. She believed his fidelity was on him, not her. Go figure, she's divorced after cheating on her husband.
Who could have predicted that outcome?
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post #104 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-28-2016, 04:59 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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I don't know how prevalent it is, but it certainly felt that way to me. Near the end, I remember so many conversations that went like:

Her: "I want to be happy, but you're not helping."
Me: "OK, well, how should I help? What goal are you looking at? New job? Volunteer work? Hobby? What sort of project do you want to tackle that you think will bring meaning? We have resources.. pick away, and I'll do what I can to support it."
Her: "Why are you pushing it off on me?"
Me: "I want to help, but I can't, y'know, just CREATE meaning for you. It has to come from yourself. Once you choose a path, I can help, though!"
Her: "You don't understand."
Me: "Guess not.."
I've often said, "don't listen to what they say, watch what they do"

This illustrates why.
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post #105 of 165 (permalink) Old 03-28-2016, 07:55 AM
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Re: how do APs rationalise destroying a family?

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Her: "I want to be happy, but you're not helping."
Me: "OK, well, how should I help? What goal are you looking at? New job? Volunteer work? Hobby? What sort of project do you want to tackle that you think will bring meaning? We have resources.. pick away, and I'll do what I can to support it."
Her: "Why are you pushing it off on me?"
Me: "I want to help, but I can't, y'know, just CREATE meaning for you. It has to come from yourself. Once you choose a path, I can help, though!"
Her: "You don't understand."
Me: "Guess not.."
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
I've often said, "don't listen to what they say, watch what they do"

This illustrates why.
Its aggravating not as perplexing as it appears. Its "womanese" for giving you an assignment you cannot possible accomplish because failure will prove she's right about you. You have to remember that a woman's actions come after the blueprint is well thought out. (including the supposedly impulsive ONS. The partner may be random, but she has already fabricated such a liaison in her mind.)
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