Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
If the spouse's suspicion is justified, I would swear on anything and be willing to take even a lie detector test. Not doing any of those things would be cruel to the spouse as he/she would suffer in doubt.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
I got the whole swearing on the Bible, she even said: "God is my witness!" "I swear to God", everything. Yeah, right.
And I thought she was a god fearing woman.
Trudy, the lesson here is that when they are in the fog of the affair, they CAN SAY ANYTHING to cover it up and deny the affair. That's why the advice you will get here is to not believe a word out of their mouth about the affair unless it can be proven.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
I wouldn't swear on anything and I have never cheated on my husband. I do not mean to be disrespectful, but I believe it is immature to ask someone to do that. If you can't find any "proof" you should consider believing him, until you find the "proof" you need. My husband did cheat on me, so I know how you feel with needing to know the truth, but it will come. People cannot do things like that and get away with it. You could be ruing your marriage by constantly accuseing and if you find out one day that he didn't ever cheat you will be left with guilt and a bunch of wasted time you spent searching for "proof" that you didn't enjoy him while you had him, because yes, if you continue to accuse he will eventually get tired of that and leave.
I mean no disresect by this, I am only offering advice.
Best wishes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by trudy
If your husband or wife asked you to swear on the bible, on a family member's life and or to take a lie detector test to reassure them that you had been faithful, would you do it
a: if you have been faithful
b: if you had not been faithful
I have good reason to suspect my h has slept with others but have not been able to get proof. Am I being simplistic in thinking that asking him to submit to the above will get me the answers I so desperately need.
Can I assume that if he will not submit to the above that it means he has something to hide. Surely if he claims to love me like he says he does, he would want me to feel secure and reassured and have nothing to fear!!
If you were told by your spouse that your marriage depended on this would you do it and if not why not. Thank you for your time.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Think about it this way: cheaters (those of them who are believers anyway) have broken they vows in front of God when they cheated. Lying on the Bible is just a repeat offense at this point.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by trudy
Are there any disloyals who have sworn and lied who are willing to chip in and help my understanding of how why you can justify this at the time pl?
...more later
I don't know that I can help you understand what is fundamentally not understandable but I'll give my experience as a wayward. I was a little different in my trip through infidelity than what is considered "standard". I was (still am) happily married, I never for a moment wanted to leave my wife, and I never said or thought anything bad about her or our marriage through the whole thing. Once I realized what I was in (EA only) I made myself a promise that I would never lie to my wife's face about it - big of me right - I was willing to continue on in an emotional affair with another woman but if my wife confronted me I did not intend to lie to her. Does that give any insight into the rationalization of someone in an affair? In reality that promise was nothing but CYA for me - I was smart enough to know that if discovered my odds of saving my marriage were significantly higher if I came completely clean. So when I was caught, by the grace of God I had the good fortune to have about 20 minutes to gather myself before I had to speak and I kept my promise. I gave it all up right then and there. The thing is, I later broke no contact and right after I did my wife just happened to ask me out of the blue, "so still no word from #### (OW)?" I was so startled and shocked that I spit out "no" before I even knew what I had done, but once it was out I couldn't take it back. It was a lie to her face and it was now out there. So even after doing it right at the start I screwed it up and lied when I got surprised. Just to finish the story I woke her up at 2:30am that night and confessed my lie and the breaking of no contact. We got through it.
So my point is an affair is all lies, cheating, sneaking and betrayal. There is no justification for it. But, when your in it, when you crave and need that affair partner and all the addictive brain chemicals they bring, the most important thing is to stay in it. What you have to say or do doesn't really matter because there's always that fantasy affair world you can retreat to where you're not destroying your marriage and family.
The best way to try to process the behavior of someone in an affair is to think of them as a drug addict and the affair is their drug.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299
,,, ...I was willing to continue on in an emotional affair with another woman but if my wife confronted me I did not intend to lie to her. Does that give any insight into the rationalization of someone in an affair? In reality that promise was nothing but CYA for me - I was smart enough to know that if discovered my odds of saving my marriage were significantly higher if I came completely clean. ... ....
The best way to try to process the behavior of someone in an affair is to think of them as a drug addict and the affair is their drug.
My H is well aware of how much I can't tolerate people who refuse to own once they are caught. Not sure now if this is to my advantage or not now. Your post is interesting in that it shows how calculating an addict/cheater can be. I am so naive but I always believed I was sharp and nobody's fool. Thank you for your honesty. My feeling is that my H has no intention of splitting with me - simply wanting to have his cake and eat it I believe.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by trudy
what is CYA pl ???
CYA = Cover Your A@@
Yeah - I was a serious cake eater - my OW and my wife both called me out on it. Most waywards will cake eat as long as their spouse will let them. Totally agree about owning your screw ups - to me full disclosure and accountability are corner stones of remorse and learning from your mistakes. Fortunately I knew what I had to do when the moment came. I am thankful for those few minutes to ready myself before I had to reveal it all to my wife though.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by janrobinson
I wouldn't swear on anything and I have never cheated on my husband. I do not mean to be disrespectful, but I believe it is immature to ask someone to do that. If you can't find any "proof" you should consider believing him, until you find the "proof" you need. My husband did cheat on me, so I know how you feel with needing to know the truth, but it will come. People cannot do things like that and get away with it. You could be ruing your marriage by constantly accuseing and if you find out one day that he didn't ever cheat you will be left with guilt and a bunch of wasted time you spent searching for "proof" that you didn't enjoy him while you had him, because yes, if you continue to accuse he will eventually get tired of that and leave.
I mean no disresect by this, I am only offering advice.
Best wishes.
I am not at all offended by your response and do really appreciate what you say. It does indeed worry me that I could become paranoid over my suspicions and gut feelings and I agree with what you say about spending all my time worrying rather than enjoying our time together. Over many years I have used this principle to suppress my gut feelings but this time the worry has persisted for months and months on a daily basis and won't go away like it did in the past. I wish it would because it's agony.
Also, I no longer feel comfortable to be intimate with him which of couse won't belp matters if it turns out he has been faithful.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by RWB
Trudy,
Cheater are liars by very definition.
I suspected my wife of cheating for years. When finally I had proof, she did admitted to the current affair only because I had written (email) proof in my hand. But, that was it. I knew there was a lot more. Her denials and "how could you think that" no longer had the same effect as before. Between email archives, phone records, bluffing, the "truth" trickled out over the next few days.
Still there was more, always is, always will be. It's Chapter 1 of the Cheaters Handbook... When Busted, Just keep On Lying.
At one point, she blurted out, that is it, all of it, I have nothing else to tell you. Remind you, we are up to 6 years of affairs by now with at least 3 OM. Really, what's the point of holding back now. She did. That's when she pulled out the old hand on the Holy Bible as "God is my witness".
Finally the truth... Not Even Close.
Trudy, what you are seeing here is the reality of how far a cheater will fall. If you think about it, once someone has betrayed their spouse, their family, their marriage by engaging in an EPA, how much more can they hurt you (murder maybe?). When the fantasy is blown up and the reality of what they have done and how far it reaches and the cost to the marriage is weighed... A little more lying is the least of their concerns.
It seems to have taken a very long time for you to finally get proof and I am wondering what was the state of your relationship during this time. How do you go about acting normal for the duration of the time it takes to gather the evidence if it takes a long time?
It's got to be important to act normal in order for you to be able to gather the proof and to stop them from surmising you are after them and going underground. Likewise, its got to be important to act normal so that in case your suspicions are wrong, you don't want to damage the relationship. I am in the throws of this and can act normal outside the bedroom but in the bedroom no matter how horny I feel I just don't want to go there anymore - it feels like I am disrecpecting myself and I don't want to catch anything either! Sorry to go there, but this is a real problem right now.
Huge thanks to everyone for contributing even though I haven't responded to each individually I do value all posts.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by trudy
Am I really the only one who finds this an issue and not sure how to get past it ?
You are trying to force your value system onto others. If others, especially WS who has needs to lie, do not take swearing falsely as a big deal, then that means they just do not share the same values as you do. For example, I think people shouldn't cheat in the first place, but there are many who do. So, what can I do? I just have to accept this as reality. My value system may be noble but unfortunately it is not shared by many others. Ideal and reality are two different things.
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query
Quote:
Originally Posted by trudy
Am I really the only one who finds this an issue and not sure how to get past it ?
NO. Well..maybe. I have a HUGE problem with liars. Anyone who feels the need to make up a story..is disgusting to me. And cheaters...are by nature liars.
BUT, to ask someone to swear on ANYTHING..is a little immature if you ask me. ( sorry) ANd to ask a CHEATER, who is by nature, a LIAR..to swear..is just absurd.
You need a new approach, concrete evidence..do some fishing girl!!
Re: swearing on holy book, a life, lie detector test query 
