Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-03-2011, 07:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I've been married to my wife for a little over 12 years. We have 2 children together (8 and 11) and I also have one from a previous relationship (17) that I have full custody of. About 8 weeks ago my wife admitted to me that she had been having an "affair" with another man for the last year and a half. During our subsequent conversations she has referred to her relationship with this guy as an affair, an obsession and being-in-lust. I also learned that all her friends knew about this guy. She kept pictures of him on her phone and frequently bragged about the relationship to them.

At first she only admitted to me sexting, sending and receiving naked pictures and having graphic sex talk with him. As I pressed harder, she admitted that they met a total of 3 times and engaged in what she describes as "groping". She denies they had sex, but does admit that it got very physical every time they met; i.e. lots of grinding, rubbing, squeezing, etc.

The thing that's killing me is this: I'm a 41 year old, fairly successful, kind, funny, good looking nerd and a great dad. I've never been "insecure" per se. However, the guy she had this relationship with is a 28 year old, tan, muscle-headed beach volleyball player. He could be a ****ing model. Although she has assured me that she has completely broken all ties to this person, since I found out about this, my insecurity has been at an all time high. My wife is gorgeous and everyone has always joked about how I "married up", but now I'm constantly stuck in self-loathing mode. I feel ugly, i feel emotionally and physically unattractive and disgusting. I feel like, even though she says she's chosen me over him, that it's not true. I feel like I'm not really the person she wants. I have nightmares every night about them together and I wake up feeling so incredibly inferior and deflated.

I want to stay with her, and she says that I'm the one she wants to be with, but everything's different now and I don't know how to not feel ****ty all the time. It's not only hard to look her in the eye, it's also hard to look in the mirror anymore.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What can I do to move past this?

tl;dr My wife of 12 years cheated on me with a 28 year old hunk for a year and a half and now I constantly feel like ****.

Last edited by Russells_Teapot; 10-03-2011 at 08:09 AM.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

The OM could look like a troll and your confidence would still be shot.

It's natural for betrayed spouses to feel, "What's wrong with me?" or "What did I do?" or "How could have I done better?" or "Is the OM better looking than me or better in bed?", etc etc


Please know- This is NOT your fault in any way, shape or form. This is all on her. The real question you should be asking yourself is if you really can go on through the marriage without getting true remorse from your wife. It doesn't sound like she is being completely honest for starters.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

You are going to need therapy. You are also going to need to impose serious consequences on her for her heinous actions.

Do not believe her that this is over, do not believe her that there haven't been others, and do not believe her that she won't do it again.

Get keyloogers on computers, VARs in cars and where she will call him, and spyware on her phone.

Why did she suddenly come clean? Is it so she can divorce you or is it that she has so little respect for you that she thinks she can cheat without consequence?

Don't feel insecure, you should be feeling rage and anger. She doesn't sound like she has any remorse at all. Without remorse you can't move on.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

The OMs are either better looking and you feel inferior or they are uglier and you feel how could she trade down. Time to even the playing field. First off, if anyone told me I married up, I would definitely tell that person. "Yeah but I'm faithful" Next you need to get into counseling, now. Next did you out the affair to family and friends? If not, that could be some of the reason your so down. I wonder if you are feeling because of your response. If you guys rug sweep her betrayal, it could end up destroying any chance for reconciliation. Please explain all the measures you have taken to defend your manhood. Not your marriage. Because without the one there is no sense in working on the other.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

Not only did she carry on for a year and a half, she bragged about it. You should seriously the motivations for wanting to reconcile with her. Sounds consistent with your self-loathing. Sounds like someone who actually believes that he married out of his league. Understanding is the key to beginning the process of recovering. If she believes this also, then you have to consider that these feelings of entitlement might not go away just because she got caught and wants the security of her marriage.

There are many women out there who would love and cherish a guy like you. I'd encourage you to tell her how it makes you feel. If she doesn't go through a tremendous amount of effort to show you that you are better than the other guy she has bragging about for a couple of years, then maybe it will tell you where you really stand.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

A man I once knew told me he knew to divorce his wife when it dawned on him that through her affair she made hi the Plan B, thefallback option. She tried the I am choosing you bit. Pointless. She already chose him on the wedding day. I can't imagine how painful this is for you.

Don't buy they didn't have sex. That's trickle truth.
She didnt confess to yu because she truly regrets it - someone caught her and treatened to tell you. She walked around proud and bragging about her OM - someone definitely caught her.and this craziness about her choosing you - it is NOT a compliment, especially from an adulteress.

The woman you married and love is gone - the woman she is now isn't who you married. My friend once said something similar, which also helped him realize it's time to move on. Whatever yu decide , please seek therapy.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

I am very sorry you are here in one way, but in another you have done well to find this site. You will get lots of advice here and see harsh words. Listen to what is being said by everyone.

Your trust and love has been abused for 18 months. An affair is humiliating at the best of times but to have her boast to her friends and treat you like that is truly dreadful.

PLEASE try and stand back from this and look at this person who is your wife. Look at what she has done to you.

Get in to IC [Individual Counseling ] and explore your self and why you are putting up with it.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

I can surely empathize with you. That sucks. Since you are not going to D, you have no choice but to suck it up, I guess. Obviously your relationship with your W from this point on will be profoundly different. Trust issue is one thing, but you know she craves a better looking hunk, which means she is not all that attracted to you sexually. Try consoling yourself with the fact that you are at least better than him when all other attributes are considered together and that's why she is still with you.

I don't mean to add insult to the injury, but I must point out that your W claiming she did not have sex with him is total bs. You know that, right? She is pretty, and she was so into him that she bragged about him to all her friends behind your back and had his picture in her phone all the time. And, the relationship lasted 1 1/2 yrs!!! Come on! She had sex with him many many times. This must be hard to accept, but I want you to know the truth.
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

so sorry you are here...I am 5 months out and it is just the beginning of the ride . What you feel now will be changing like the wind... we all know quite well , it is now so different ... sorry

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Old 10-03-2011, 09:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

Here is one beautiful thing that you have and she doesn't : you have been faithful to your marriage and she is now just another cheater. Oh, and if she really wants to R, then each and every friend who knew about the affair and did nothing, must go out of you wife's life. They knew and did nothing.

If I were you ,I would see a lawyer start the divorce proceedings and tell your cheating wife that she has 180 days to convince you to keep her, or you WILL sign the final papers.

And yes the had sex, lots of it. Pretty boys don't stay with older women unless they are getting it. Btw, check your finances and see if she was depending money on him.
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

I am very sorry for you. You realize of course that she is lying to you about not having sex with the guy. She continues to lie to you. You both need to be tested for STD's.

I would suggest seeing an attorney to understand your options. A year and a half sexual affair with her bragging to her friends should be a deal breaker for you. She may be beautiful on the outside but seems quite ugly on the inside. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?

It is clear by her actions that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

Russell I see you are online still and reading this thread, why don't you give us more details about what is being done by both your wife and you to heal and repair the marriage(if anything)?

also-

is she being completely transparent? is she giving you passwords to her accounts and allowing you to look at her phone, bills and emails and social websites and chat access? Are you verifying everything with keyloggers and spy tech?

Has she written a "no contact" letter to the OM stating she will no longer contact him and that he should stop trying to contact her. Has she stated that she will ignore any contact from him and tell you about it right away?

Is the OM married or have a girlfriend? Did you expose him to her if he does?
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post

"And yes they had sex, lots of it. Pretty boys don't stay with older women unless they are getting it. "

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....Nor older women stay with pretty boys !!!

((It's Just a joke !!))


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Old 10-03-2011, 11:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

Russel,

It is normal to feel the way you do...It is a normal reaction to the situation you find yourself in. Without knowing the details of how your wife is acting after she told you...it's hard to give you some advice. Yet...here are some harsh truths about the situation as I see it:

1. She had sex with that guy. The quicker you realize this the better.

2. She is still in the affair...doesn't matter if she told you it is over.

3. She needs to own 100% of the affair before you can move forward.

4. You should not trust anything your wife tells you...confirm everything. EVERYTHING..emails, phone calls, text, chat rooms, miles on the car...everything.

5. The affair is not your fault. NOT ONE SINGLE BIT OF IT.

6. Her friends are toxic enablers and should not be allowed in your home...and your wife needs to have no contact with them. They knew the whole time and said nothing? They have no honor and are a negative force in your marriage.


7. Real remorse must be shown (by your wife) before any thoughts of recovery can be entertained.

Look, she put you in a real tough spot..that's for sure. You sound like a guy that values your family and wants to work it out...this is good. Be prepared for a long ride. It will most likely get worse before it gets better. Gather your strength. Take care of yourself first and foremost before you even attempt to engage in recovery talks with your wife. Right now you are at your most vulnerable state and more likely to acquiesce to her stupidity. Just realize this and try to hold firm to yourself and the honor that you bring to the marriage.

Be prepared to walk away...It sounds like you don't want a divorce...which is fine. Just don't be afraid to take the next step if your hand is being forced.

Sometimes you have to walk away from your wayward before they will understand just what they have done.
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice. My wife of 12 years cheated on me and now I hate myself.

I'm sorry to make you feel worse but here's the rub.

Dude, she, more than likely slept with this guys several times. She's giving you the "trickle truth". The one thing about cheaters is that if their mouths are moving, they're lying. I mean, let's look at it.

First, it was sexting and photo exchange. Then it was meeting up on three occassion for heavy groping, BUT NO SEX HAPPENED....yeah...right... They were sexually charging each other for a while with the pictures and the sexting that when they actually met up...no sex happened? He's seen naked pics of her, and she was comfortable enough to send them to him..but yet, when they actually got together, she wasn't comfortable enough to go all the way? Dude, you are not getting the whole story here.

She's only going to tell you the bare minimum of what actually happened to make it sound like it isn't as bad as what it truely is. And each time you find out something new, it will tear into you and moves you back to square one and any progress you've made to try and reconcile gets thrown out the window.

You need to find out the ENTIRE truth and you need to get yourself checked out for any possible STD's.
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