Okay I'm going to say the full story, please be honest and serious.
So I have been married for 2 years. We have had our ups and downs of course like all marriages. Recently he tapped into my emails and myspace and saw I was talking to an old friend I used to work with. Me and him were just playing back and forth with eachother about seeing eachother and calling eachother boyfriend and girlfriend. I was not serious this guy knows I'm married and everything. Anyway my husband seen it the same night we were in a fight so I stayed the night somewhere else. He didn't see it until 5 o'clock the next morning so when he saw it and didn't know where I was he automatically assumed I was staying somewhere with that guy. Which I was at his cousins house the whole time. One thing led to the next and so on, but now that we have talked about it and everything it has been about a month and we moved into a new place and everything. Mind you I did own up to everything and took total blame. I told him if he cannot forgive me I will leave..he told me he did not want me to let him go and he wasnts to try. It has been 2 times already that we have been perfectly fine and then he would just flip and start asking questions about it and picking fights. So he did that last night and he kept asking you know how did I get his number and his myspace and all that and I would tell him. Of Course he would say I'm lying because its not what he wants to hear. So anyways at the end of that little conversation last night he says bring me my car between jobs. (I work two jobs I get off one at 5 and go to the next at 6) And I'm like okay... for what and he says I'm going to go see my girlfriend. And I just walk away. So this morning on my way to work we are on the phone and we're just talking like normal and then he says so are you gonna bring me my car or do I have to come get it( we share a car) and I said U might have to meet me somewhere I might not have enough time to go all the way home, and we kinda start arguing about that. And then I say what is it that you need to do that is so important and he says I told you I am going to go see somebody. And I'm like who... he says my girlfriend. And I'm just like... naw because I know how he says things to hurt me when he feels hurt. So I go WTF if u have a girlfriend why do you still have me here you need to tell me whats up so I can go. Then he goes well shes not my girlfriend. Then I say she is obviously somebody because you grew the balls to say that to me. Then he says she is just a girl and I say that u like... and he says no not really. And I'm just thinking this has to be something to hurt me. Then he says well what do you expect me to do, you think i'm going to let you talk to guys and get away with it.. So I hang up on him. That was a little over an hour ago. He just texted me and asked if I was going to drop his car off to him. I didn't say anything back.
I don't know what the freak to do. He is impossible to talk to.
To you, with this old friend it was playing back and forth, not serious so no harm done.
When your husband read those emails, he took them at face value and probably felt destroyed thinking your heart is somewhere else. Even after hearing you tell him it was innocent flirting, he now has to process the fact that his wife is saying romantic things to another man & must not have much respect for me if she puts a bit of fun before my feelings. He is extremely hurt by this and feeling betrayed.
I agree he will need to get past this and forgive you, because to keep throwing it in your face will only tear the two of you apart. You say you owned up to it and took the blame but also said if he cannot forgive you, you will leave. This sounds like you are telling him how to feel and 'get over it' I think you will make more progress if you step into his shoes...if you found the same on his computer to a female friend...honestly, would you just get over it once he explained himself or would you have doubts about his feelings for you? I think you can both get past this and move forward but you need to show him true remorse for the hurt this caused him and give him time to work through this.
His reaction 'i'm meeting my girlfriend' is immature, but it is also saying he is still thinking about this and still hurting.
To you, with this old friend it was playing back and forth, not serious so no harm done.
When your husband read those emails, he took them at face value and probably felt destroyed thinking your heart is somewhere else. Even after hearing you tell him it was innocent flirting, he now has to process the fact that his wife is saying romantic things to another man & must not have much respect for me if she puts a bit of fun before my feelings. He is extremely hurt by this and feeling betrayed.
I agree he will need to get past this and forgive you, because to keep throwing it in your face will only tear the two of you apart. You say you owned up to it and took the blame but also said if he cannot forgive you, you will leave. This sounds like you are telling him how to feel and 'get over it' I think you will make more progress if you step into his shoes...if you found the same on his computer to a female friend...honestly, would you just get over it once he explained himself or would you have doubts about his feelings for you? I think you can both get past this and move forward but you need to show him true remorse for the hurt this caused him and give him time to work through this.
His reaction 'i'm meeting my girlfriend' is immature, but it is also saying he is still thinking about this and still hurting.
Also, I was hesitant to respond to this post because she only wanted to hear nice things. In order to improve the situation, sometimes the truth hurts. I would suggest being a bit more receptive to suggestions and advice. No one has all the answers, but we are all here to help!
__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
To you, with this old friend it was playing back and forth, not serious so no harm done.
When your husband read those emails, he took them at face value and probably felt destroyed thinking your heart is somewhere else. Even after hearing you tell him it was innocent flirting, he now has to process the fact that his wife is saying romantic things to another man & must not have much respect for me if she puts a bit of fun before my feelings. He is extremely hurt by this and feeling betrayed.
I agree he will need to get past this and forgive you, because to keep throwing it in your face will only tear the two of you apart. You say you owned up to it and took the blame but also said if he cannot forgive you, you will leave. This sounds like you are telling him how to feel and 'get over it' I think you will make more progress if you step into his shoes...if you found the same on his computer to a female friend...honestly, would you just get over it once he explained himself or would you have doubts about his feelings for you? I think you can both get past this and move forward but you need to show him true remorse for the hurt this caused him and give him time to work through this.
His reaction 'i'm meeting my girlfriend' is immature, but it is also saying he is still thinking about this and still hurting.
I agree 100% but I have done that. And I have saw him talking to other females and I blow it off if I know its just "to past time" I have forgiven him for sooo many things. And he knows that. When we sat and talked about this whole situation he made it seem like hes a man he can slip up but because I'm his wife I should be like super woman and never make a mistake. Since I have shown that you know it was nothing and that I'm sorry. For the most part he has been really cool. I told him that if him staying with me is just going to continue to hurt him and bring him down we can split...not saying it as forgive me or I'm gone... If I hurt him as bad as it seems I don't want him to feel like he is stuck with a bad person. I know he wants to let it go and continue you on but its like everyonce in a while he gets an urge and just feels like I screwed him over so bad. That hurts me too, what if 20 years down the line he pulls this again. I can't listen to him threaten me. I can only take so much...
Also, I was hesitant to respond to this post because she only wanted to hear nice things. In order to improve the situation, sometimes the truth hurts. I would suggest being a bit more receptive to suggestions and advice. No one has all the answers, but we are all here to help!
I understand that, and thats why I am asking for advice. When I meant "nice things" I didn't mean just tell me everything will work out. I meant not to be like " ur dumb and doomed" You know things like that. But I am open to hearing things, I'm sorry if it came off the wrong way.
What about counseling? Have you considered it? It sounds like he hasn't completely worked through his issues from the past and your friend. Would he be open to going to counseling?
__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
I understand that, and thats why I am asking for advice. When I meant "nice things" I didn't mean just tell me everything will work out. I meant not to be like " ur dumb and doomed" You know things like that. But I am open to hearing things, I'm sorry if it came off the wrong way.
I understand! No worries! Sometimes type is like text and hard to process!
__________________
To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
What about counseling? Have you considered it? It sounds like he hasn't completely worked through his issues from the past and your friend. Would he be open to going to counseling?
Well I have mentioned that in the past and he feels we have worked all of our problems out by ourselves and we should continue. He just needs time... but I dunno what I should do in the mean time.
My honest opinion, you had an Emotional affair with this other guy, no matter if you see it or not. Although it doesn't justify your husband wanting to hurt you back, the thing is you did serious harm to your marriage. I would be really deeply hurt in his siuation too. Why did you stay at someone elses house over night?
I think your actions have destroyed all trust he had in you, and it will take three to twelve months of being open and honest to fix it. You also need to cut all contact with this other guy to save your marriage.
My honest opinion, you had an Emotional affair with this other guy, no matter if you see it or not. Although it doesn't justify your husband wanting to hurt you back, the thing is you did serious harm to your marriage. I would be really deeply hurt in his siuation too. Why did you stay at someone elses house over night?
I think your actions have destroyed all trust he had in you, and it will take three to twelve months of being open and honest to fix it. You also need to cut all contact with this other guy to save your marriage.
draconis
I went to stay at his cousins house because he has very very bad anger problems. All this happened before he even got into my stuff and saw the messages. And I honestly believe he is bipolar. He can change so fast. Before I left he had went on a "rampage" and sliced our matress and dining room chairs, broke my phone, my blow dryer, flat iron and other things that were out. My hand was cut pretty bad in this process so I felt I needed to leave so he would cool off. He left right after that and when he left I felt I needed to not be there when he got back. I never talked to the guy on a regular basis it was for like a week and that was it. He saw the messages like 2 weeks after I stopped talking to the guy. It was nothing serious at all... it was a joke and every message ended with "lol".
My hand was cut pretty bad in this process so I felt I needed to leave so he would cool off.
I know you didn't ask for advice on this, but if your hand was cut by him, this is a dangerous situation for you. Is he doing anything to get help for his anger? Quite honestly, I'd remove myself from the situation (move out) until he gets help and has that fully under control. This type of rage is not normal at all under any circumstances.
First if he has those kinds of anger issues he needs anger management, counciling talk to a doctor, and a psyciatrist before you two pick up again.
He needs help beyond what you can give him and without it the relationship will be dangerous for you and any future children.
Just because you ended you things with lol, doesn't mean it wasn't an EA. It also doesn't justify your actions either.
draconis
He has once agreed to go to Anger Management classes, but also claims he went when he was younger and it didn't help. I didn't expect things to fall back into place immediately but I think picking when he wants to throw it in my face for no reason is bull. I never tried to justify my actions I admitted to being wrong... never tried to blame it on anyone or anything else.
I know you didn't ask for advice on this, but if your hand was cut by him, this is a dangerous situation for you. Is he doing anything to get help for his anger? Quite honestly, I'd remove myself from the situation (move out) until he gets help and has that fully under control. This type of rage is not normal at all under any circumstances.
I've considered... there is a lot to it though. I might be a little foolish for the way I see things, but I have no one to talk to or anything, to try to get second opinions
First off, that kind of rage is dangerous. Proof of that is your injury. He has to manage that.
Second, you have to have an honest reassessment of what you did and a realistic understanding of what it means to recover from such a thing.
You can try to trivialize what you did, but I am sorry, you were cheating. It was only a matter of time until you met the guy and made it physical.
It is not alright to do that kind of flirting if you are married. If you think it is, run it past your husband first.
And speaking of your husband. he is very immature, insecure, and destructive.
I see the reason for his anger and hurt feelings. You were being sneaky and having an emotional affair (at least).
HOWEVER, that does not justify him going psycho on your residence and injuring you.
He need therapy to control that urge. But I also think you both have boundary issues.
I don't think he had a girlfriend, he was making a poorly-executed attempt to gget you to understand his feelings of betrayal by saying he had a girlfriend to visit.
I have no idea what to do...help!
Re: I have no idea what to do...help!
