Need some of that expert TAM wisdom - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #136 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 09:21 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by Be smart View Post
So your wife is doing everything she wants,she gives zero F. about you and what you say about your kids and Marriage?

Are you Afraid of her my friend ?

Let her know you will not tolerate this behaviour anymore,she needs to change. She is living with you and you are not her Step-father.

At this moment you are only there to pay the bills and nothing more.

I couldnt live like this,sorry.


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post #137 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
And there it is.

This is what you say to that...

"Wife, I have precisely ZERO desire to 'control' you.

I do, however, want to 'control' myself -- specifically, I want to 'control' the level of emotional, financial, and physical investment that I choose to put into a relationship that is feeling both more lop-sided AND less transparent of late."

Then stand back and watch the gears start to turn in her head.

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Thanks Gus. Will certainly use this when I bring this up to her.
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post #138 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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So, when you walk out the door at night looking and smelling good, not telling her what you're doing, she doesn't ask and care?

What I'm saying is do what she does. See how she responds.

If she doesn't care, she checked out long ago.

If she does, you have something to discuss.
Marduk I don't really go out that much at night. If I was dressed up and heading out yes she would ask me where I'm going.
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post #139 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

What is even worth salvaging? Unless all her hidden activity is a ruse to throw you a bombastic blast party for being an awesome husband or whatever, why does it even matter if she is cheating. She has checked out. You are stressing yourself out. You are miserable having to play detective because wife isn't really being a wife.

Serve her with papers and tell her you are sick of being divorced in this marriage.
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post #140 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by becareful View Post
It seems like communication between the op and his wife are sorely lacking. This is how couples drift apart.
Becareful you are exactly correct. Our communication is pathetic. One of THE main problems is my wife becomes defensive no matter I want to talk to her about. The more I think about her posting on facebook she doesn't have a say in the vacation destinations, and when I brought it up to her, she sticks to her guns and says she did nothing wrong. On top of that, she deleted the post, and has now blocked me completely (even though I'm not on Facebook, nor a friend of hers, and all I could see before was her last post). To me this speaks volumes.

Yesterday when I went to my mom's to check on her I mentioned that I checked to see on my mom's iPad if my wife had blocked me. Sure enough she had. When looking at my mom's Facebook I came across a message from my wife to my mom where she was blasting me for going out and buying a new bed. I rarely buy **** for myself as it's all about the kids, and for her to go to my mom and *****? If I did this with her parents (vent about my wife for something she did) my wife would be LIVID!!!!

Nothing seems to work. I am tired of living like this. What I'd like to do is just tell her that nothing seems to work, and that I'm moving out. I know this would get her attention, but the problem then becomes explaining this to my kids? I have an autistic 9 yr old daughter who would be devasted by this.

Too soon to do something like this?
Thinking I need sit tight and try and gather some evidence, which would be tough if I'm not here.
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post #141 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Yeah.

Take the laptop from her, go to a computer specialist, and have him open it.
Thinking of doing this!!

I was finally able to find the Sony VAR that was suggested yesterday at Walmart. So the wheels are in motion with this.
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post #142 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:34 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Marduk I don't really go out that much at night. If I was dressed up and heading out yes she would ask me where I'm going.
Then what are you waiting for?

When my wife and I were working on our marriage yet struggling, there was a party I was invited to for one of my former soldiers retirement.

I invited her to go. She declined. I was disappointed. So I got dressed and got ready to leave. She looked at me as I was about to head out the door:

"Wow, what are you all dressed up over? Form fitting shirt? You are wearing cologne too? Who are really you going to impress?"

Insecure, clearly second guessing her choice.

I smiled and said:

"I don't dress nice and wear cologne to impress anyone. I do it for myself because I like to look and smell good. See you soon!"

Needless to say, I received several texts from her while at the party (insecurity and seeking me out at a time she was normally loathe to do so). I also was getting checked out by another married woman while there, who happened to catch me coming out of the bathroom with my fly down...and she made sure to point it out to me with a smile of her own. Not my best moment...

Not that I was interested, but this moment did two things at a time when I was really questioning my own value:

1. That I was desirable even if my wife did not treat me as such.

2. My wife began to remember that others may actually think me desirable.

Think about it, OP.

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post #143 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by Moonshadow View Post
Yep @sideways , if you have physical access to her old iPhone, you can connect it up to your own computer & use Wonderhare Dr Fone for IOS which will extract the data from it. It offers an option to recover deleted messages too. Trial version will only recover some data, first 5 messages I think but you can try it first & then buy it if it doesn't give you enough.
Here's a YouTube link that shows you how it works:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qsQZERGwVY

I got all I needed from it!
I'm sure other posters can help with this too. It's a few years since I used it.
Moonshadow, so this software would work with her old iPhone on another computer (mine or if I take it somewhere)? A place I took the old phone to said that they wouldn't be able to retrieve old emails/texts. He was saying that this info would saved on the old chip, and once she upgraded to a new iPhone all the email/text info would be lost (that is unless she had it backed up on her computer)

If this will work I will certainly do this, however I'm thinking I would take it someplace and have them do it for me as I don't want my wife to come across this software on my computer.
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post #144 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Plan on getting a GPS as well. Thanks!
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post #145 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
What is even worth salvaging? Unless all her hidden activity is a ruse to throw you a bombastic blast party for being an awesome husband or whatever, why does it even matter if she is cheating. She has checked out. You are stressing yourself out. You are miserable having to play detective because wife isn't really being a wife.

Serve her with papers and tell her you are sick of being divorced in this marriage.
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It may very well come to this, however I want to know that I've done everything I can to save this for my kids sake.

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post #146 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Then what are you waiting for?

When my wife and I were working on our marriage yet struggling, there was a party I was invited to for one of my former soldiers retirement.

I invited her to go. She declined. I was disappointed. So I got dressed and got ready to leave. She looked at me as I was about to head out the door:

"Wow, what are you all dressed up over? Form fitting shirt? You are wearing cologne too? Who are really you going to impress?"

Insecure, clearly second guessing her choice.

I smiled and said:

"I don't dress nice and wear cologne to impress anyone. I do it for myself because I like to look and smell good. See you soon!"

Needless to say, I received several texts from her while at the party (insecurity and seeking me out at a time she was normally loathe to do so). I also was getting checked out by another married woman while there, who happened to catch me coming out of the bathroom with my fly down...and she made sure to point it out to me with a smile of her own. Not my best moment...

Not that I was interested, but this moment did two things at a time when I was really questioning my own value:

1. That I was desirable even if my wife did not treat me as such.

2. My wife began to remember that others may actually think me desirable.

Think about it, OP.

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I will definitely think about it. Thanks!
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post #147 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by sideways View Post
Plan on getting a GPS as well. Thanks!
@ScrambledEggs provided a link for what looked like a pretty sweet GPS tracker a while back. Can't remember the make/model, but he'll be able to provide it.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #148 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 12:49 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

#1 - Do not move out. That puts you at a huge disadvantage in a divorce.

You said your communication is not good, but you can start communicating. It seems to me that your wife has shut you down and is living her life while attached to you as her income source. She appears to be using you. You have power here, but you are not using it. You are letting your wife walk all over you.

Once you have done your detective work and understand what is going on, hopefully you will find she is not cheating and you will be able to start establishing a new dynamic in your relationship where you will stop being a doormat and you two can form a healthy, balanced relationship. At this point, there is no reason to bail or to decide that all is lost. Take some time to find out what is going on and then work from there.

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post #149 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by sideways View Post
Moonshadow, so this software would work with her old iPhone on another computer (mine or if I take it somewhere)? A place I took the old phone to said that they wouldn't be able to retrieve old emails/texts. He was saying that this info would saved on the old chip, and once she upgraded to a new iPhone all the email/text info would be lost (that is unless she had it backed up on her computer)

If this will work I will certainly do this, however I'm thinking I would take it someplace and have them do it for me as I don't want my wife to come across this software on my computer.
@sideways what that guy told you doesn't seem right.
Text messages etc are stored in the iPhones memory, not on the SIM card or chip.
I'm pretty when she upgraded, they wouldn't have wiped the data on the old iPhone. At least they didn't when I changed mine but I don't live in America so it may be different there. Even if they did delete it see below.
Also take it to an Apple store (if you didn't go to an Apple store this time) & ask them about it. If you're not close to one phone them and ask them about it.

Also can you use a friend's computer? If so, download Wondershare Dr Fone on it & try it with the free trial to see what happens. I really am quite sure the data will be in the iPhone memory. Even if it has been deleted, when data is deleted on an iPhone, it's not actually deleted. The space the data occupies in the memory is flagged that it's available. So until it gets overwritten by saving other data on there, it will still be there. It may be fragmented but you will still see lots.

If you can't use a friend's computer why not put a passcode on your own laptop so she can't get into it. When you've finished, delete Dr Fone & take off the passcode so you don't look too suspicious.
Or take your own laptop to work or go someplace in your car & do the Dr Fone thing there.

Hope that doesn't sound too confusing & hope it helps.

Posters - can anyone else help OP with this?

"We just kissed".
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post #150 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I am sorry for saying this but I wouldnt be suprised if your wife is Cheating or Cheated before. She lost all Respect for you my friend and this is why you get so little intimacy,no kisses and sex only when she wants it.

Your opinion about children and Marriage means so little to her. This is what makes me sad. I put myself in your position and this would kill me.

You really need to change and start leading your Marriage. Dont let her use you anymore because she is doing it for a long time.

Take her phone,lap-top and search them. Dont let her drag it to another day because she will delete some information. You are Married to each other so there is no need for paswords. If she says she did it because of the children then ask her why she never shared them with you.

Blocking you on Facebook and not be friends with you tells me she is ashamed of you.

Stay strong.
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