Need some of that expert TAM wisdom - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 10:49 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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My wife is a SAHM

Besides this she has a lot of free time during the day M-F.

How do I go about doing this? I am planning on going to the store to get a VAR, and will put it in her car.
My only ADD to advice currently given is to buy two VARs and put one in the house hidden as she will be talking on the phone more there than the confines of her car

Some of the VARs have quite long recording sessions

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post #17 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 11:03 AM
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Have you noticed any recent changes to personal appearance, grooming, makeup, etc?
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post #18 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Gus is right if she did not factory reset the old phone your son is using you could recover deleted texts from it.
and don't let her know or your son know you are doing the recovery on the old phone.

the old phone and the VARs will be the easiest things to do at this point.
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post #19 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Farside
We have always used different cell phone carriers.
She is very tech savy. Me not so much.

Gray
I didn't plan on approaching her about anything until I have some time to monitor her.

Badmemory
Plan on getting her cell on my carrier.

Moon shadow
She's had the passcode since the kids got a little older.

Yeswecan
No idea if her iPhone is backed up on her computer. More then likely it is.

Marduk
I've definitely had my hand off the "tiller".
I am in shape. Work out five times a week, and I eat good.
I try to romance her, however it's really been tough to do lately as my mother has cancer and I've been the one who's been taking her to countless Dr apps etc.
I feel like I'm a good kisser. Never had any complaints in the past. In fact any woman I've ever dated (including my wife) have told me I'm a great kisser.
Haven't asked her if she's bored, or why the pass codes on the devices.
As for fantasies, she doesn't like to talk about this stuff. Trust me I've tried numerous times over 17 yrs. She just doesn't want to talk about it.

As I mentioned we have sex two times a week. I'm not complaining about the quantity, however I'm not too thrilled that it's basically a chore now and she wants to do it as quickly as possible.

Unbelievable
The pass codes could definitely be because of the kids. My youngest has from time to time liked to snoop.

5Creed
She use to be up for anything sexual (for the most part). When I've brought this up to her she now says, "she's changed, and she's not into like she used to be". When I've brought up going to the Dr to see if there's anything possibly wrong with her she says she will however she never follows through.

If I asked her for her cell phone she would definitely hand it over to me without hesitation. She'd ask why I would want it, but she'd give it to me. If there was anything going on my wife would definitely be deleting any evidence even though she had a pass code on it.

CynthiaDe
I think the grind of raising two kids is wearing on her. The kids have a few activities they're involved in, but she was an only child and she never got to do anything growing up. So she likes to take the kids to all different places. They're always going. There's a group of kids they play with, and she's friends with the other mom's. So they quite a bit together. Even if it's just playing at the park.

Gus
MC hasn't been brought up.
She just gave my son her old iPhone. He doesn't have iTunes nor is it used to make calls on. Just uses it to make notes, look at pics, etc. All her contacts are still on the phone, and you can still see the call history. She upgraded a couple of weeks ago it looks like as there's calls up to about two weeks ago.
I have a Samsung S6.
I am a recruiter, and I own another business (food retail product).
Tech savy? Me...probably about a 3.
Her about a 8-9.
She has an HP laptop.

Gray wolf
She's actually put on a few #s over the past few yrs, however she still looks amazing.

GJ
Plan on buying two VAR, and will put one by her desk as well.

Majdeath
No changes in her appearance.


My gut tells me there isn't anything going on right now, however as for in the past? Not so sure. Not that there was anything that happened that makes me feel this way. No idea how I would be able to prove anything went down in the past, however I will definitely monitor her, and if anything comes up at all that's a red flag then I will have NO hesitation making her take a polygraph. If she resisted then that would be all the evidence I would need, and I would be prepared to leave.
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post #20 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 12:35 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Sounds like perimenopause/menopause to me. If so hang on to your nutz. Its going to be a bumpy ride for awhile.
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post #21 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Sounds like perimenopause/menopause to me. If so hang on to your nutz. Its going to be a bumpy ride for awhile.
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Could be. Some women become more energized, others become LD. Other stay the same. It depends on the hormones.

How are her eating habits? Does she eat a lot of grain? Does she eat a lot of vegetables, I don't mean some vegetables, but a lot of them?

Does she get exercise?

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #22 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Next time she's on her computer, say "hey babe, there's this blog post I was going to show you" and move in on her.

If she freaks out and pushes you away, you have something to worry about. If she doesn't, I'd chill on the magnum PI stuff a bit.

For sure what I'd say to her is "Wife, I know I haven't exactly been mr exiting to be around sex-wise. It's my intention to rectify that, starting now." And then kiss her passionately and start taking her clothes off.

If she stops you, take no for an answer without being needy or whiny in any way.

And then ask her why she's become disinterested in sex with you. She'll likely deny it, just let her talk. Who knows, she might drop something on you when she realizes you're listening to her. Don't say a word, just look her in the eyes, nodding every once in a while.
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post #23 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Next time she's on her computer, say "hey babe, there's this blog post I was going to show you" and move in on her.

If she freaks out and pushes you away, you have something to worry about. If she doesn't, I'd chill on the magnum PI stuff a bit.
If you do this (and it's not a bad idea), @sideways, you damn well better have a blog to show her.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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If you do this (and it's not a bad idea), @sideways, you damn well better have a blog to show her.
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Here's a good one:
What Keeps Couples Happy Long Term - WSJ
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post #25 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together away from kids and electronics? Having a coffee together, going for a walk, trying out a new restaurant, gardening together, shopping for clothes, etc.? Women often easily fall into a maintainer role if the man doesn't keep up the pursuing role. IMO, that's why your sex fell off - you became just another figure in the family she's responsible for, not her lover. To stay her lover, you have to stay dating her - one on one time, no distractions, eye contact, touching, being playful and coy and play-demanding. Still doing all that?

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post #26 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Doesn't seem like any glaring red flags. Risk factors are high, so you are wise to be on alert. It's more likely your gut would be screaming at you if there were an issue.

Watch her hands when she unlocks her phone, you can easily pickup the pattern and memorize her passcode if you are observant. One day when she is in shower have a quick look.

If you have had your hand off the tiller in the relationship, she just may be feeling burnt out and taken for granted. Start being more involved in her day to day world. Raising kids can be emotionally draining, be sure you are doing your part in sharing that burden.
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post #27 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

OP, there should be no reason she cannot share any of her passwords with you. There should be no secrets in marriage.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #28 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 04:51 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I think you should not worry about cheating,but you really need to talk with your wife about your Marriage.

First your life seems boring to me,sorry. You even have dates for a sex night and after some time it looks like a chore to be honest. Why dont you take your wife to a nice play or some riding around the city. Stop at some hotel or down the road and see what happens. Some changes are always good my friend.

Also you dont spend enough time with each other. She is at home almost all the time with kids,you have your job then you have your gym dates Five Times per week. Maybe you can take her with you or cut it to lets say three times. Then dont forget your parents,your mom is having medical problems,dad is to old. Seems to me like you see each other only in the morning.

Having paswords on her facebook,mail and other accounts is a bad thing. In good Marriage there is no need to hide something from your husband/wife,right. Talk with her about this and check those accounts just to be sure.

Stay strong.
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post #29 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Marduk
If I wanted to get on her laptop (for whatever reason) she'd let me with no resistance. She'd give me her code as well.

Definitely need to get going on the "rectifying"!!

Tunera
We have so much going on. I work out in the morning while she gets the kids going for school, then working, shuffling kids off to activities, taking care of my mom, tough to find the time, but point taken. Needs to be a priority, and need to schedule the time into the hectic days/nights.

Acoa
My intent is to dig deeper even though there aren't major flags (right now). Made a few calls today on retrieving info off her old phone (and it may be possible they just need to see the phone to determine). Will try the VAR as well. Obviously the ideal outcome would be to not find anything. Just want some peace of mind knowing what's going on behind my back, and that there's still trust in the relationship.

Satya
I feel very confident that if I asked her for her codes she'd give them to me with no hesitation. If she is/was guilty I know her well, and she would be deleting each email or text as she went along. Thus why she would give me access to the cell or laptop.

So glad I posted. Such great advice and I will definitely follow through on many of these suggestions. I'd also like to say thank you to everyone who has replied (and who will). I know all of you are busy with your lives (and own problems), and to take a few minutes to share your wisdom (which many times came from experiencing heartache), I'm very humbled and grateful.

Will keep you posted.
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post #30 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

BeSmart
Yes my life right now definitely is "boring". We try to go out just the two of us every few weeks. Go downtown, dinner, few drinks at places afterwards, sometimes even a hotel. However my mother is really sick right now, and it's been tough to do this because the two people we would leave our kids with (my mom) as well as my sister (who's helping with my parents at night) aren't able to watch them. Plus there's been so much going on.

These are all reasons, but I agree with you we need to do a much better job of taking time to be with each other. Scheduling sex sounded pathetic to me a few yrs ago, but since it's been this way it's helped immensely. The quantity isn't the problem, but I just want to know the attitude of just doing it as a chore is due to neglect (on my part or by both of us) or being tired vs something else she may be doing or done in the past? This has gone on for WAY too long, and I need some answers to have peace of mind moving forward.

I don't think I'm off base wanting this (needing this). If I am please do share your thoughts on this?
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