Need some of that expert TAM wisdom - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 05:26 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

If she didn't wipe (i.e. factory reset) the phone, it should be possible to retrieve at least some data from it. That said, if iOS has been updated recently, you *might* be hosed.

An app like Wondershare Dr. Fone or iPhone Backup Extractor should work pretty well. I'll warn you know, though... running recovery tools against the device itself, a local iTunes backup, OR a backup stored in iCloud *might* trigger a notification e-mail to the e-mail address linked to her iCloud account. Do you happen to have the password to that account?

Do you happen to know if she uses any ephemeral messaging apps like WhatsApp, SnapChat, Kik, Viber, Line, etc?

If you're determined to look, installing a keylogger on her laptop should provide quite a bit of insight into her online activities, especially in terms of e-mail and social media accounts, passwords, etc. You'll have to take special care to configure any antivirus anti-malware software on the computer in such a way that it doesn't detect the keylogger, though, so be aware of that.
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post #32 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 05:46 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

You need to get passwords and access to her, phone, email, social media, laptop, and tablet.
Just as she should have access to yours. You should velcro a VAR under the passenger seat of her car. If something is up, they usually have a friend that they regale with their dalliances.

But to be honest, it could be a case of you needing to up your sex rank to attract her. Be honest with yourself, have you let yourself go. Are you helping around the house? Do you surprise her with a small gift every once in a while? You mention that you take her out but how's your interaction? Are you the couple that sits at the table in silence with nothing to talk about but the kids?

I'm going to recommend that you read Athol Kay's MMSL primer. It's a how to guide on improving yourself to become a better man and husband to enable you to attract your wife enough to improve your sex life.
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post #33 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Gus, I don't have any of her codes or know if she's using any other apps. Certainly don't want her receiving any type of notification tipping her off so I need to consider this. May just start with the VAR.
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post #34 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Jsmart she can get on my computer anytime she wants. No code for my emails, and computer is on all the time. She knows the computer code. My cell has no code either. Will definitely do the VAR.

I do quite a bit around the house. I cook, do laundry, help with kids, on top of doing two jobs and dealing with my mom. I haven't let myself go, but I can certainly take it up a notch as well. I do get her things from time to time (as well as flowers), and when we do go out we do have things to talk about. We have fun. We just don't do it enough.
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post #35 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 06:09 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

@sideways,

At this time, I don't really see very much evidence that she may be cheating. After all, there are legitimate reasons for having just a password on a phone or laptop, especially if the kids are old enough to occasionally try to sneak on!

I think it may be reasonable to start with two VARs and just see what happens from there. My guess--and seriously, this is just a gut feeling based on intuition from what you've written--is that it's not an affair so much as things just got in a rut and got "stale."

For example, for many women the way to really get a response sexually is to start with some romance throughout the whole day so she feels connected and close to you. If you've been "doing your thing" and she's been "doing her thing" and the sex is regular but feeling routine, it may be that she just doesn't feel all that connected to you. When was the last time you did something together that you both love and just had fun? Is there anything the two of you both love or are passionate about? Do you have any mutual interests? Do you talk to her and listen to her (rather than thinking about how you're going to respond)? Do you view her as a best friend and share jokes and laughs with her?

Most people jump right from "routine" to a fancy dinner, roses, fancy hotel...and expect that to instantly re-connect and result in mind-blowing sex, but I think it might be something as easy as just getting some new hobby or sport you both want to do...and then talking about the new recreation and having fun and doing it together and talking strategy, etc. and then trying one different thing in the bedroom. If your "scheduled days" are Wednesdays and Saturdays--try a new position or a take longer or take shorter or try a different day just to change things up a little.

My point here is that the feeling I get isn't necessarily unfaithfulness yet--but the environment of things getting routine and getting lax is a perfect set up for it! So I'd start with two VARS and also step up your game a little.

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post #36 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Affaircare I hope it is just disconnecting over time. I do need to carve out quality time to spend with her and to listen to her. Thinking a way to do this would be over lunch from time to time. As you suggest really listening to her. She's definitely my best friend, but we're both guilty of getting caught up in all the chaos. Will do the VAR to start. Thanks again for your sharing your thoughts on this!
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post #37 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 08:43 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Affaircare I hope it is just disconnecting over time. I do need to carve out quality time to spend with her and to listen to her. Thinking a way to do this would be over lunch from time to time. As you suggest really listening to her. She's definitely my best friend, but we're both guilty of getting caught up in all the chaos. Will do the VAR to start. Thanks again for your sharing your thoughts on this!
I agree with Affaircare. I think your wife sounds disconnected and vulnerable to an affair, but if she were involved in one, it is likely that the sex would stop entirely. Not many women can regularly have sex with more than one man.

It seems to me that she is hurt about something or just not feeling connected to you. That emotional connection is what keeps the fires burning. If it's not there, something has to change to bring it back. If you're too busy for your marriage, you're just plain too busy, because the marriage should be the #1 priority to the family unit.

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post #38 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 10:20 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Affaircare I hope it is just disconnecting over time. I do need to carve out quality time to spend with her and to listen to her. Thinking a way to do this would be over lunch from time to time. As you suggest really listening to her. She's definitely my best friend, but we're both guilty of getting caught up in all the chaos. Will do the VAR to start. Thanks again for your sharing your thoughts on this!
If she's your best friend and you don't have evidence of cheating, I'm curious why you're jumping to a VAR instead of jumping to date nights.
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post #39 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 10:40 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I don't think it would be the wisest move to record her without her knowledge when you have so little in the way of real suspicion of an affair.
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post #40 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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I don't think it would be the wisest move to record her without her knowledge when you have so little in the way of real suspicion of an affair.
I'm almost wondering if he wants out of the marriage and hope his wife is going to give him an easy exit.

Simply because he's focused on capturing the marriage failing, rather than putting it back on course.

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post #41 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 10:52 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Let's not forget about those gut feelings, folks.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #42 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 10:58 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Let's not forget about those gut feelings, folks.
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I would absolutely be worried. I'd check to see how defensive she is about sharing her phone and computer for sure. I'd be more aware of what she's up to during the day.

But I'd also be planning some sweet ass date nights rather than buying a var as step one.

Because the date nights can only help. If she's feeling bored or distant, then it will help. If she's got someone on the side, she'll be disinterested in date nights, and give excuses.

And that will tell you a lot. Not for certain, but a lot.

A var can only catch her if she's cheating. It can only prove bad news. And it's not a guarantee to catch her.

And if she's bored and disconnected and not cheating... And finds the var... Apocalypse time.
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post #43 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I agree with others here. I don’t see any glaring Red flags at this time, but some of them are turning Pink. In my case, XWW was glued to her phone and laptop. She added pin codes for access. The reluctant duty sex and lack of kissing were things I also started noticing in my marriage at about year 13, when she started cheating. Right now you are basing everything on your gut feeling. There’s nothing wrong with that. You shouldn’t ignore that. That's you sub-conscious mind telling you there is a problem. My divorce started with a gut feeling.

I would begin by working on your marriage to start with…and yourself. As someone mentioned, Athol Kay's MMSL primer. It's a good guide to improving yourself to become a better man to build attraction with your wife. Start spending more quality time with her and start doing some fun things together. Discover new things, go to new places, and create new memories together...start dating her again. Re-build the stale bond between you and make her feel cherished again. Keep in mind, this process could take some time to change how she relates to you.

If this doesn’t appear to be having any effect or your gut is still burning…go to step 2.

Start investigating in secret and keep it simple. Make your computer appear inoperable and ask to borrow hers…simple. Search through her emails if you can, but don’t forget the deleted files and drafts. That’s how I caught my XWW. Facebook messenger is also where I found deleted messages and images.

I also watched her as she would tap in her access pin on her phone. It didn’t take long for me to get that and it lead to a finding a lot of stuff on her phone when she was sleeping.

Place a VAR in the car and in your home, I wish I would have. I used a GPS tracker hidden in XWW’s car. This yielded results almost immediately. It’s hard for cheaters to come up with an excuse for spending afternoons at a hotels!

Remember, this must be a secret. Don’t tip your hand and never reveal your sources.

With any luck, step 1 will be all that is required. Having to snoop and discover your wife is actually cheating is not fun…but sometimes, unfortunately necessary.

Last edited by Decimated; 04-15-2016 at 01:35 PM.
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post #44 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 11:35 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Actually, refusing to kiss him
Is the biggest redflag. It makes it sound like he disgusts her. I would see a dentist and be checked for gingivitis. Other wise there is no excuse for that except disrespect and disgust.

Does she ever convincingly say I love you?
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post #45 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I advice you to do this my friend.

Speak to your sister and ask her to help you out with kids,mother and father this weekend because you need some time with your wife.
Suprise her with some nice card,chocolate or flowers,something that will remind her of days when you two were dating. Take her out to a nice play or whatever she likes. Let it be "her day". Talk with her about your Marriage and is she happy. Let her know you are there for her,her best friend.

If everything goes alright check her mail,facebook and other accounts first thing on Monday. If she is cheating she will speak with him/her about your time spent together.

No more secret accounts or paswords,you share everything with each other and if you still have "that feeling" then buy some VARs. One for the house and another one for her car.

I still belive there is nothing serious going on,just both of you need to work harder.

Stay strong my friend.
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