Need some of that expert TAM wisdom - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 04:12 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Does your wife work out at a gym? Does she go out with her girl friends?

What does she do during the day while the kids are at school and how do you know?



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post #47 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Talking Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Since posting here and reading all of the advice I've had some time to really think about this, and where I'm at with my wife. First off I do NOT want out of this relationship.

She is my best friend, she's the mother of my two kids, and she's stood by me through SO many things. More importantly I do love her! It's been a tough time with my mom being sick, but as so many of you have pointed out we just need to make a conscious effort to work on our relationship and spend time with each other.

It's my responsibility to lead us in the right direction. Yes I have concerns about where things are with our physical relationship, but there isn't any tangible evidence that I have that would keep me from at least taking the steps to see if it's been mainly due to neglect first.

The pass codes very well could be from keeping our daughter from snooping, and she definitely is wiped out as she has a lot on her table. Will ask her this weekend for the codes just to see how she responds, but as I mentioned I feel confident she'll give them to me with no hesitation.

She watched my parents all day today, and sent me a text saying she loved me. Marduk I took your advice last night about giving her a passionate kiss, and putting my hands back on the tiller so to speak.

Going to hold off with the VAR right now, and start making our relationship more of a priority. If after doing this things aren't improving then I will definitely follow through on the VAR.

I owe it to my kids as well. Again I appreciate all the words of wisdom, which has definitely opened my eyes. Is my relationship where I want it? No. However I need to give her the benefit of the doubt right now before I go recording her without her knowledge. Trust me I will certainly be observing her, and to see if things are improving while putting in the work.

She had NO problem kissing me last night

Will keep you posted on how things are going. Thanks again for wake up call. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
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post #48 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 04:55 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Atta boy.

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post #49 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 05:08 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

High five, man.

Now go rock her world this weekend.
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post #50 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 05:22 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

"She had NO problem kissing me last night"

This is good.....because honestly, the only real glaring red flag I saw in your posts was that she didn't want to KISS you anymore.

As others have posted....the slow down with sexual desire could be a normal thing with her age, menopause, etc.

But not wanting to kiss you at all?.....that was the most troubling thing you mentioned IMO.
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post #51 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 05:36 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER can be downloaded at either the link below or at amazon.com.


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post #52 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Yes, kiss her often like passionate lovers do, not as settled in spouses do.
Compliment her and make it genuine. Tell her how much she means to you.
Give her nice, long hugs. Just because. Feet and back rubs?
When you go for a walk, do you hold her hand?
If you have the strength, carry her in your arms to bed every once in a while.
Your relationship with your wife has to come first; otherwise, your family will suffer.
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post #53 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 12:51 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by sideways View Post
However my mother is really sick right now, and it's been tough to do this because the two people we would leave our kids with (my mom) as well as my sister (who's helping with my parents at night) aren't able to watch them. Plus there's been so much going on.

She watched my parents all day today, and sent me a text saying she loved me.
Even though something is obvious it helps to acknowledge it in words. Tell your wife that life sucks right now and thank her for her help and friendship.
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post #54 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Wanted to chime in here. Have yet to ask my wife for her pass codes this weekend as we've been pretty busy with bday parties and other kids activities. I am also wanting to give this a little more thought before I do ask her. If now is the right time?

On a previous thread (don't know which one it was), someone had listed a bunch of signs to look for possible cheating spouses. A few of them were:
*pass code on cell
*pass code on computer
*pass code on Facebook
*staying up late on the computer
*having their cell close to them at all times
*change in sexual behavior

Could someone provide this entire list? Wanted to look at this again.

I mentioned that I was throwing around the idea of using VAR on my wife. Still don't know if I want to do this at this point or not. One of the things that is keeping me from doing this, is I might not hear of any evidence that she's messing around on me or not however I may hear things that she's saying to her friends. Like trashing me to them. Then what would I do with that info?

The reason I bring this up, is there have been a few times where she has thrown me under the bus. Example. I am registered on Facebook, however I never get on it. My wife spends a lot of time on it. I am not a friend on my wife's pg.

Two weeks ago I went to her site, and even though I can't get on there as I'm not a friend, I could actually see her latest posting. She had posted a photo of our two kids from our trip last summer. One of her friends asked where it was from. My wife replied where it was taken, and the next post was from a friend who said they had already booked their reservation at this place for this summer. My wife answered, and I quote,"me and the kids would love to go back there as well, but we don't have a say on where we go for vacations".

First off, this isn't true, as every single vacation we've been on my wife and kids have selected where they wanted to go. The place we went to last summer was the first time I picked the destination. We all had a blast.

So when I read this post about her not having any "say so" in the decision (which is there for all of her friends and family to see) sorry, this didn't go over to well with me. I took a picture of the Facebook posting and those comments, and sent them to her (text) saying thanks for throwing me under the bus and for having my back. That this claim by you is also not true. She replied back saying that's not what she meant and nobody would take it that way (how I was seeing it).

So I went to about four people who I know, and read this post (verbatim) and then just shut up to hear what the first thing that they thought of after hearing this? Every single one of them said, "wow", "that would be tough to hear", or "that wouldn't make me happy seeing that". All of them thought it wasn't painting me in a good light, and certainly could see why I would be upset about it.

When I went back to tell her that a few people I reached out to about this thought the same thing after hearing it her reply was,"I'm sure it was from people who don't even know me"!! Well one of the people was my sister who knows her extremely well. She too thought the same thing. Even after hearing this my wife still stuck to her guns, and never even apologized. I did notice that she shut down her Facebook pg for about a week, however it looks like she's now back on but for some reason I can't even see her main page with the last post like I could previously see. I'm sure she's blocking me from having access to her main pg?

It makes me wonder if she's saying this right out in the open to everyone she practically knows what else is she saying in private phone conversations or texts?

Last night my son had an event that we all went to. Our neighbor two doors down, is one of the leaders of this activity. This guy is married with three boys. Let me also say I have been nothing but friendly to both he and his wife in the past. However over the last couple of yrs every single time I drive by their house this guy will not give me eye contact. In fact at the last minute he always looks the other way. It's got to the point where I just chuckle about it.

Last night at this event this guy comes up from behind and starts saying hello to a few of the people around me, and sure enough he said nothing to me. Later when he would be off in the distance I would notice him staring my way from time to time. Later, when I got home, I asked my wife if this guy was going to be running this activity next yr? She said yes. I said I was having reservations letting my kid be involved in an activity where this guy won't even acknowledge me in any way.

Before I could continue my wife cuts me off, and starts coming to this guys defense saying that he's not this way. She was NOT getting that he is this way with me, and acting as if I was WAY off base thinking this way. Her comment, "we love X". Now I'm not saying that my wife and this guy are messing around (god forbid), but what I am saying is here's another example of my wife not giving a rats ass about how I was thinking/feeling about these two situations. That she's right and not even thinking about hey "sorry, I could see how you would be thinking that".

So even though I sit here with no tangible evidence of my wife messing around now (or in the future) there's a part of me that continues to want to get to the bottom of what in the world is going on. The first thing I am going to do is transfer my wife's cell on to my account so I can start seeing her phone/text records. I can do this easily without making her wonder why I would be doing this. I already mentioned a few months back that I may try to bundle everything together.

Let me also say that I know I mentioned previously that my mother has cancer right now and how tough this has been. That said I know this can certainly stress you out, and no doubt it has. I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head on all of this stuff going on with my wife. I'm just trying my best to sort through it all, and there's a part of me that just wants to know for sure if anything went down behind back in the past or if something is going on (are starting to) right now?

I walk a fine line here as I want to know what's real and what's not, but I also don't want to push my wife in a corner and come across as controlling and accusing her of things that she may or may not have done. As I stated previously I want the marriage to work, but I don't know if things are off due to neglect on my part or if there are other things at play here.

If for some reason I do have the ability here in the future to read her texts, emails, or hear phone conversations, there's a part of me that will be VERY pissed at her if she's trashing me to anyone behind my back. Not as pissed if she was running around on me, but trashing me could certainly be enough to want to move away from this relationship. Obviously depends on what she was saying. So if by chance I do step out and start tracking her and I come across some heavy trashing me to others I would most certainly go to her with this evidence.

Man I go back and forth on this as I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Appreciate any thoughts to help sort through all of this?

It's also been a stressful week as two of my friends lost their kids this past week (one by a suicide and the other by OD).
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post #55 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 04:26 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

My friend you dont have to feel guilty if you check her phone,facebook and other accounts. She is your wife and mother of your children. Same goes for her.

In your last post you kinda asked lot of questions and what if. You can solve that very easly,just buy some VARs.
Also you are scared of her cheating (I think she is not) or her trash talking you so once more buy some VARs.

What I see wrong is your communication. This is how it starts all my friend. It seems to me like you have 3 or 4 topics to talk about and they are kids,your mother and father and money. Then both of you made things even harder when you talked about that Trip. This is not the way to lead your Marriage.

Sorry to ask,but how did you spend this weekend? Did you spend your time with your wife or did you spend it watching football,going to gym,reading newspaper ?

You are worried about lack of sex and intimicy and lets be honest here,both of you are to blame for that. You dont spend time with each other,you dont act and try to put your spouse in the first place. It is always about your kids,your mother (sorry,I know she is sick) and money.

Then your neighbor comes to the picture. She kinda got mad at you last time you wanted to talk about him and I would do the same thing. Just look how you aproched this problem,sorry.

Sorry.

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post #56 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 05:18 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Why are you afraid to find that she is throwing you under the bus? You already know that she is doing it, you would just see the extend of it. If she is doing it on a wider scale, you know that she has even further distanced herself from you (something that is quite obvious considering the lack of intimacy and empathy) than you thought. If you are ready to let go if she disrespects you like that shouldn't you welcome the opportunity to proof such a dealbreaking behaviour?

Or you could find evidence that she has an inappropiate relationship with someone or you could hear her complaining about your marriage and what you should improve or you could hear none of that.

Unless you hear what she says (and with whom she is talking and texting) you don't know anything and you have to speculate and think about different possible scenarios instead. Like with this sports guy, he could just be someone who does not like you, he could be an a-hole, he could be an OM or your wife complains to him (or he heard about it through others) about how controlling or whatever else you are. Such mind games are only exhausting and damaging.

Right now you are not accusing her of anything, because you don't even know what to accuse her of. You only have some ambiguous hints. You need something better.

But you can still try to reconnect with your wife, some small gestures here and there, change the date night routine a bit etc and see her reactions to it. Nothing too spectacular so she does not think something is up just in case something is up.
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post #57 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 05:19 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by G.J. View Post
My only ADD to advice currently given is to buy two VARs and put one in the house hidden as she will be talking on the phone more there than the confines of her car

Some of the VARs have quite long recording sessions
The more you post the more you need to use those guys

And please please please...oh did I say please...do not confront her if you find anything
until it is concrete proof..solid...unmovable....stiff...ridged....incr iminating her for more than trash talking you at the minute
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post #58 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 05:30 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Last night my son had an event that we all went to. Our neighbor two doors down, is one of the leaders of this activity. This guy is married with three boys. Let me also say I have been nothing but friendly to both he and his wife in the past. However over the last couple of yrs every single time I drive by their house this guy will not give me eye contact. In fact at the last minute he always looks the other way. It's got to the point where I just chuckle about it.

Last night at this event this guy comes up from behind and starts saying hello to a few of the people around me, and sure enough he said nothing to me. Later when he would be off in the distance I would notice him staring my way from time to time. Later, when I got home, I asked my wife if this guy was going to be running this activity next yr? She said yes. I said I was having reservations letting my kid be involved in an activity where this guy won't even acknowledge me in any way.

Before I could continue my wife cuts me off, and starts coming to this guys defense saying that he's not this way. She was NOT getting that he is this way with me, and acting as if I was WAY off base thinking this way. Her comment, "we love X". Now I'm not saying that my wife and this guy are messing around (god forbid), but what I am saying is here's another example of my wife not giving a rats ass about how I was thinking/feeling about these two situations. That she's right and not even thinking about hey "sorry, I could see how you would be thinking that".
This is VERY BAD. I think you have a lot to worry about with this guy in particular. Cheaters are often very vehement in their defense of their affair partners before they are found out!

You need those VARs in place right now!

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #59 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 05:36 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

You each have FB pages, but aren't friends on FB? That is weird. Friend her and see what happens.


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post #60 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 07:09 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Look in all honesty you definately have some very disturbing red flags.

At the very least you need to discreetly do some investigating. I would start by installing a key logger on her computer and buying a VAR for the car.

Realistically speaking there is something going on. Whether it is emotional or physical time will tell.
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