Need some of that expert TAM wisdom - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 09:12 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

One, friend her and see what she does.

Two, go to your neighbor, man to man, and ask him what's up. Like a man.

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post #62 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 10:12 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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One, friend her and see what she does.

Two, go to your neighbor, man to man, and ask him what's up. Like a man.
This, completely.

Get a FB page. Most people have one. It's not weird. Friend your wife, everyone does. Then you should be able to see everything she posts, unless she starts hiding select entires (which is possible).

Also, going over there in a friendly way is a great idea. He's your neighbor, and he clearly is uncomfortable with you. Make it about him, ask him if you have offended him in some way. Tell him you'd like to put him at ease if there is any problem. This will keep him from getting defensive. If anything, what it does is show that you don't suspect anything - that instead you want to be friends. If something funny is going on, that will throw a monkey wrench into how people are behaving.

My guess is that your wife *****es about you a bit on social media, to her regular social circle, etc. That in itself isn't a crime. But if it affects how people treat you and think of you, that's a problem. Best way to do that, is to join the party, so to speak. Get on Facebook, be friendly to the neighbor, go to these events he is running when you can.
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post #63 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 10:30 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I think you need to take things down a notch and calm down.
Why did you confront her about the post on Facebook about the vacation comment? That probably annoyed her.
You are showing too many of your cards too soon.

Last edited by VeryHurt; 04-18-2016 at 08:07 AM.
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post #64 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 10:56 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Two, go to your neighbor, man to man, and ask him what's up. Like a man.

Oh.... absolutely. I'm sure that the neighbour will be so touched by OP's man to man approach that, with tears in his eyes, he will instantly confes to any real or imaginary indecent activites with OP's wife. Just.... like a man.

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post #65 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 07:35 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

You need to go full detective now. You have suspicions, you have motive and you have circumstantial evidence.

Do not talk to your neighbor, he's a suspect by his actions. Do not friend your wife yet. Try guessing her pass codes, if that fails then ask then go check out her facebook.

Get two or three vars. Car and house.

You have way too many red flags now and your gut is the big one. I think you will find she has a thing going on with someone that is married and can't or won't commit to her. When someone comes here with as much as you have the outlook is extremely bad.
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post #66 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 08:22 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

DO NOT TALK YO YOUR NEIGHBOUR AND ASK HIM WHATS UP

IF she is indeed involved do you think hes going to say 'gee guy yea sorry ive been seeing your wife'

He may be acting the way he is because of another reason ..perhaps your wife bad mouthing you or a.n.other BUT until you get more of a handle
for goodness sake don't go making your life 10x harder by not thinking things through

If she's badmouthing and the guys wife has told him...he still wont say anything other than to his wife and guess who she will tell then

Get your VARs in place and lets see what's going on ....once you know what the problem is GUESS WHAT...

you can then take steps
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post #67 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Here is a list of common red flags, while many do not apply so do.

Red flags*

Sex life dropped off noticeably
Passwords on phone and computer
Much more time on line...fakebook.
More GNOs...staying out later.
Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.
Less communication.
Staying up late on computer.
Dressing more provocative
More shopping-spending...clothes.
3 hour groceries shopping trips
Gasoline use and mileage went up
Generally disconnected from family.
New friends that I wasn't introduced to
Cell/text usage went up...way up.
New hair style and attention to makeup
Started exercising more.
Secretive about whereabouts during contact
She would become annoyed easily with me.
Household responsibilities dropped way off.
ecame more forgetful in general
A noticable distancing from her family.
Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.
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post #68 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

OK Sideways, your last post has me thinking the pink flags are turning red.

This Fakebook situation is not good.

Who is not friends with their spouse on social media? She is keeping part of her life separate from yours…that is intentional. I was not on Fakebook until I started to suspect something was going on with my XWW. I joined because she was spending huge amounts of time on it and I wanted to see what was going on. I joined and sent her a friend request. She dragged her feet accepting it…about 5 days. When she finally did, I was able to read all of her past posts, that she did not delete, and it was instantly obvious that she was focusing on an old high school guy friend who later became posOM. Sometime later, he blocked me so I could no longer see their communications or posts. My divorce attorney told me that Fakebook has been a factor in at least 85% of his cases.

I would send your wife a friend request and see how long it takes her to respond. If it isn’t instant than she is probably contemplating the ramifications, deleting posts, comments, or adjusting her settings so you won’t be able to see everything. She may not want you involved in this part of her life, and that would be a big Red flag. If there is someone else, all he has to do is block you and you will never know he is there.

Now to the unflattering light she is casting on you.

My XWW only did this in emails and texts to posOM. This was her way of justifying why she was cheating with him. XWW didn’t want posOM to thing she is a wh0re so this was part of her rationalization process. The things she said about me to posOM were simply not true. At the very least, gross exaggerations. To the rest of the world, she was always positive in her reference to me, that I know of.

I would be really pissed off if my wife was dissing me on social media, especially if it was not true. This may be a stretch but your wife could be trying to justify any future behavior by casting you in a bad light. This would turn taint you in the eyes of world opinion (her friends) and justify, in her mind, any future choices she may be thinking about making…or already is.

I would express your concern about her unflattering comments and let it go for now. After you became Fakebook friends with her, see if this was a one-time thing or she is in the habit of undermining your image as a person, husband, and father.

Defending your neighbor and his behavior.

After D day #1, my XWW would defend posOM whenever I would trash him. This doesn’t mean your neighbor is the OM. It could be just her lack of respect or tolerance for you and your opinions. Either way, this isn’t good. During her affair, my XWW would disagree with me more often and discount my opinions. It became more common for her to also take the other side of any subject just so she could start an argument with me. It was becoming obvious that she no longer respected me because she was emotionally attached to someone else.

As far as your neighbors behavior, I would let that one go for now but keep an eye on him...but do not confront. Affairs require opportunity. This includes co-workers, old school friends and fortunately, neighbors. Keep in mind that you are in a hyper suspicious mode right now. You will suspect any dude that is part of her social circle. He may just be a weird guy. I have a couple neighbors that are strange, everyone does.

In light of this, I would start the VAR process now. One in the car and a couple more in the house. If it is a neighbor, the house becomes even more important. keep looking for the opportunity to get into her phone and computer without her knowing what you are up to.

Last edited by Decimated; 04-18-2016 at 11:13 AM.
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post #69 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 11:54 AM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Do not friend request your W at this time. Do not confront the neighbor. Keep your mouth shut and do some digging, report back to us first before confronting!!
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post #70 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 12:27 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

If she is trashing you to others that is not the action of a best friend. Instead, it is the action of a person who no longer considers you a friend.

Perhaps instead of you asking to be friends on Facebook ask your sister to.

The no kissing is a major red flag. Has she ceased other (if she ever did) giving you random hugs, cuddling, etc?

There use to be a way to get to the register on a computer to see what apps where installed or deleted. Perhaps someone here can guide you.

At the very least this is a wake up call to you to examine your marriage to see how it evolved and what is ahead.

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post #71 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 12:40 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

If you friend her now, to repeat, she will delete things you want to see before she friends you. See if you can figure out her password. Facebook will notify her you have opened on another computer.

Is your sister not a friend of hers on facebook? Is she friends with anyone you know that you can trust to let you look at her page?
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post #72 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Why are you not friends with your wife on FB with the "married" tag?

Why didn't you confront that guy at the party? I would have pulled him aside and said something like "chum, if you have some kind of problem with me, I'd love to hear what it is. Because this passive-aggressive ignoring me crap is getting old and tired."

You sound pretty conflict averse, man.
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post #73 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Wanted to chime in here. Have yet to ask my wife for her pass codes this weekend as we've been pretty busy with bday parties and other kids activities. I am also wanting to give this a little more thought before I do ask her. If now is the right time?

On a previous thread (don't know which one it was), someone had listed a bunch of signs to look for possible cheating spouses. A few of them were:
*pass code on cell
*pass code on computer
*pass code on Facebook
*staying up late on the computer
*having their cell close to them at all times
*change in sexual behavior

Could someone provide this entire list? Wanted to look at this again.

I mentioned that I was throwing around the idea of using VAR on my wife. Still don't know if I want to do this at this point or not. One of the things that is keeping me from doing this, is I might not hear of any evidence that she's messing around on me or not however I may hear things that she's saying to her friends. Like trashing me to them. Then what would I do with that info?

The reason I bring this up, is there have been a few times where she has thrown me under the bus. Example. I am registered on Facebook, however I never get on it. My wife spends a lot of time on it. I am not a friend on my wife's pg.

Two weeks ago I went to her site, and even though I can't get on there as I'm not a friend, I could actually see her latest posting. She had posted a photo of our two kids from our trip last summer. One of her friends asked where it was from. My wife replied where it was taken, and the next post was from a friend who said they had already booked their reservation at this place for this summer. My wife answered, and I quote,"me and the kids would love to go back there as well, but we don't have a say on where we go for vacations".

First off, this isn't true, as every single vacation we've been on my wife and kids have selected where they wanted to go. The place we went to last summer was the first time I picked the destination. We all had a blast.

So when I read this post about her not having any "say so" in the decision (which is there for all of her friends and family to see) sorry, this didn't go over to well with me. I took a picture of the Facebook posting and those comments, and sent them to her (text) saying thanks for throwing me under the bus and for having my back. That this claim by you is also not true. She replied back saying that's not what she meant and nobody would take it that way (how I was seeing it).

So I went to about four people who I know, and read this post (verbatim) and then just shut up to hear what the first thing that they thought of after hearing this? Every single one of them said, "wow", "that would be tough to hear", or "that wouldn't make me happy seeing that". All of them thought it wasn't painting me in a good light, and certainly could see why I would be upset about it.

When I went back to tell her that a few people I reached out to about this thought the same thing after hearing it her reply was,"I'm sure it was from people who don't even know me"!! Well one of the people was my sister who knows her extremely well. She too thought the same thing. Even after hearing this my wife still stuck to her guns, and never even apologized. I did notice that she shut down her Facebook pg for about a week, however it looks like she's now back on but for some reason I can't even see her main page with the last post like I could previously see. I'm sure she's blocking me from having access to her main pg?

It makes me wonder if she's saying this right out in the open to everyone she practically knows what else is she saying in private phone conversations or texts?

Last night my son had an event that we all went to. Our neighbor two doors down, is one of the leaders of this activity. This guy is married with three boys. Let me also say I have been nothing but friendly to both he and his wife in the past. However over the last couple of yrs every single time I drive by their house this guy will not give me eye contact. In fact at the last minute he always looks the other way. It's got to the point where I just chuckle about it.

Last night at this event this guy comes up from behind and starts saying hello to a few of the people around me, and sure enough he said nothing to me. Later when he would be off in the distance I would notice him staring my way from time to time. Later, when I got home, I asked my wife if this guy was going to be running this activity next yr? She said yes. I said I was having reservations letting my kid be involved in an activity where this guy won't even acknowledge me in any way.

Before I could continue my wife cuts me off, and starts coming to this guys defense saying that he's not this way. She was NOT getting that he is this way with me, and acting as if I was WAY off base thinking this way. Her comment, "we love X". Now I'm not saying that my wife and this guy are messing around (god forbid), but what I am saying is here's another example of my wife not giving a rats ass about how I was thinking/feeling about these two situations. That she's right and not even thinking about hey "sorry, I could see how you would be thinking that".

So even though I sit here with no tangible evidence of my wife messing around now (or in the future) there's a part of me that continues to want to get to the bottom of what in the world is going on. The first thing I am going to do is transfer my wife's cell on to my account so I can start seeing her phone/text records. I can do this easily without making her wonder why I would be doing this. I already mentioned a few months back that I may try to bundle everything together.

Let me also say that I know I mentioned previously that my mother has cancer right now and how tough this has been. That said I know this can certainly stress you out, and no doubt it has. I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head on all of this stuff going on with my wife. I'm just trying my best to sort through it all, and there's a part of me that just wants to know for sure if anything went down behind back in the past or if something is going on (are starting to) right now?

I walk a fine line here as I want to know what's real and what's not, but I also don't want to push my wife in a corner and come across as controlling and accusing her of things that she may or may not have done. As I stated previously I want the marriage to work, but I don't know if things are off due to neglect on my part or if there are other things at play here.

If for some reason I do have the ability here in the future to read her texts, emails, or hear phone conversations, there's a part of me that will be VERY pissed at her if she's trashing me to anyone behind my back. Not as pissed if she was running around on me, but trashing me could certainly be enough to want to move away from this relationship. Obviously depends on what she was saying. So if by chance I do step out and start tracking her and I come across some heavy trashing me to others I would most certainly go to her with this evidence.

Man I go back and forth on this as I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Appreciate any thoughts to help sort through all of this?

It's also been a stressful week as two of my friends lost their kids this past week (one by a suicide and the other by OD).
Well...

Time for a VAR.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #74 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I am also beginning to think that your gut is telling you the truth. Be very careful with your steps from here on out. You do not want to alert her, but you do need to find out what is going on.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #75 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 01:56 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

VAR should tell you all you need and fast.

For heavens sake. your mouth SHUT and your eyes OPEN.
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