Need some of that expert TAM wisdom - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 03:17 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Your wife did not join on facebook yesterday my friend,she was there for a long time and you never wanted to see her posts,pictures and what is even worse you never friend her. Now she is keeping her accounts from you and if I remember corectly you two have a separated phone bills.

Buy those VARs before it is to late and lets be honest here,if someone wants to have an Affair with her it would be to easy,sorry. You two drifted apart reading your posts and you dont put each other in the first place anymore.There is always something more important then your Marriage.

When you ask for paswords dont buy her story "I will give them tomorrow" because she can delete all information you need. If you find something dont tell her,keep it for you. TAM members could help you a lot.

Stay strong.

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post #77 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

When a husband has a gut feeling his wife might be cheating it's nearly always true. You know her & you know when something is off. The red flags you see are not proof but they are a legitimate reason for you to go into total snoop mode. You are entitled to know if she has/is betraying you.

Many posters are telling you to hold off talking to her about your suspensions until you have proof of her transgressions is because we see how badly it turns out when the husband jumps the gun. If she is cheating and you confront her without iron-clad evidence she will deny everything and gas-light you into apologizing for even suspecting her. Then she'll sync up her bullsh*t story with the other man & take the affair further underground. You will end up paying for a PI and/or polygraph in order to get at the truth. So hold you cards close to the vest until you are satisfied you know the truth one way or the other.
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post #78 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by sideways View Post
Wanted to chime in here. Have yet to ask my wife for her pass codes this weekend as we've been pretty busy with bday parties and other kids activities. I am also wanting to give this a little more thought before I do ask her. If now is the right time?

On a previous thread (don't know which one it was), someone had listed a bunch of signs to look for possible cheating spouses. A few of them were:
*pass code on cell
*pass code on computer
*pass code on Facebook
*staying up late on the computer
*having their cell close to them at all times
*change in sexual behavior

Could someone provide this entire list? Wanted to look at this again.

I mentioned that I was throwing around the idea of using VAR on my wife. Still don't know if I want to do this at this point or not. One of the things that is keeping me from doing this, is I might not hear of any evidence that she's messing around on me or not however I may hear things that she's saying to her friends. Like trashing me to them. Then what would I do with that info?

The reason I bring this up, is there have been a few times where she has thrown me under the bus. Example. I am registered on Facebook, however I never get on it. My wife spends a lot of time on it. I am not a friend on my wife's pg.

Two weeks ago I went to her site, and even though I can't get on there as I'm not a friend, I could actually see her latest posting. She had posted a photo of our two kids from our trip last summer. One of her friends asked where it was from. My wife replied where it was taken, and the next post was from a friend who said they had already booked their reservation at this place for this summer. My wife answered, and I quote,"me and the kids would love to go back there as well, but we don't have a say on where we go for vacations".

First off, this isn't true, as every single vacation we've been on my wife and kids have selected where they wanted to go. The place we went to last summer was the first time I picked the destination. We all had a blast.

So when I read this post about her not having any "say so" in the decision (which is there for all of her friends and family to see) sorry, this didn't go over to well with me. I took a picture of the Facebook posting and those comments, and sent them to her (text) saying thanks for throwing me under the bus and for having my back. That this claim by you is also not true. She replied back saying that's not what she meant and nobody would take it that way (how I was seeing it).

So I went to about four people who I know, and read this post (verbatim) and then just shut up to hear what the first thing that they thought of after hearing this? Every single one of them said, "wow", "that would be tough to hear", or "that wouldn't make me happy seeing that". All of them thought it wasn't painting me in a good light, and certainly could see why I would be upset about it.

When I went back to tell her that a few people I reached out to about this thought the same thing after hearing it her reply was,"I'm sure it was from people who don't even know me"!! Well one of the people was my sister who knows her extremely well. She too thought the same thing. Even after hearing this my wife still stuck to her guns, and never even apologized. I did notice that she shut down her Facebook pg for about a week, however it looks like she's now back on but for some reason I can't even see her main page with the last post like I could previously see. I'm sure she's blocking me from having access to her main pg?

It makes me wonder if she's saying this right out in the open to everyone she practically knows what else is she saying in private phone conversations or texts?

Last night my son had an event that we all went to. Our neighbor two doors down, is one of the leaders of this activity. This guy is married with three boys. Let me also say I have been nothing but friendly to both he and his wife in the past. However over the last couple of yrs every single time I drive by their house this guy will not give me eye contact. In fact at the last minute he always looks the other way. It's got to the point where I just chuckle about it.

Last night at this event this guy comes up from behind and starts saying hello to a few of the people around me, and sure enough he said nothing to me. Later when he would be off in the distance I would notice him staring my way from time to time. Later, when I got home, I asked my wife if this guy was going to be running this activity next yr? She said yes. I said I was having reservations letting my kid be involved in an activity where this guy won't even acknowledge me in any way.

Before I could continue my wife cuts me off, and starts coming to this guys defense saying that he's not this way. She was NOT getting that he is this way with me, and acting as if I was WAY off base thinking this way. Her comment, "we love X". Now I'm not saying that my wife and this guy are messing around (god forbid), but what I am saying is here's another example of my wife not giving a rats ass about how I was thinking/feeling about these two situations. That she's right and not even thinking about hey "sorry, I could see how you would be thinking that".

So even though I sit here with no tangible evidence of my wife messing around now (or in the future) there's a part of me that continues to want to get to the bottom of what in the world is going on. The first thing I am going to do is transfer my wife's cell on to my account so I can start seeing her phone/text records. I can do this easily without making her wonder why I would be doing this. I already mentioned a few months back that I may try to bundle everything together.

Let me also say that I know I mentioned previously that my mother has cancer right now and how tough this has been. That said I know this can certainly stress you out, and no doubt it has. I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head on all of this stuff going on with my wife. I'm just trying my best to sort through it all, and there's a part of me that just wants to know for sure if anything went down behind back in the past or if something is going on (are starting to) right now?

I walk a fine line here as I want to know what's real and what's not, but I also don't want to push my wife in a corner and come across as controlling and accusing her of things that she may or may not have done. As I stated previously I want the marriage to work, but I don't know if things are off due to neglect on my part or if there are other things at play here.

If for some reason I do have the ability here in the future to read her texts, emails, or hear phone conversations, there's a part of me that will be VERY pissed at her if she's trashing me to anyone behind my back. Not as pissed if she was running around on me, but trashing me could certainly be enough to want to move away from this relationship. Obviously depends on what she was saying. So if by chance I do step out and start tracking her and I come across some heavy trashing me to others I would most certainly go to her with this evidence.

Man I go back and forth on this as I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Appreciate any thoughts to help sort through all of this?

It's also been a stressful week as two of my friends lost their kids this past week (one by a suicide and the other by OD).
That is VERY bad. First this guy dissing you like that and being cold toward you lately tells me he has something against you. The fact that your wife so forcefully defended him has my spider senses tingling.

If he is banging your wife, he'll get possessive over her and see you as a threat, especially if she's bad mouthing you to him, which I'd place money she is. A woman defending another man against her husbands concern is such a huge red flag.

We've been telling you to get the VARS in place but you keep delaying. Also, I'm sensing too much meekness from you. How you let this guy diss you that day and you didn't confront him when he's staring you down. You are probably giving off a pushover vibe that signals to men that there is nothing to fear from pursuing your wife.
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post #79 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

A few things.

Yes my wife is on Facebook, however she is friends with my mom, sister, my brothers, my nieces, my BIL's, and mutual friends. So I feel pretty confident that if she was saying negative things about me that I would hear about it. I'm not on Facebook, because I don't want to be on it. Now is she conversing with people through Facebook emails? I'm sure she is, but I don't think she's messing around on me right now. In the past? Don't know and that's what is in the back of mind. 90% sure she hasn't, but I would like to know for sure

As for this neighbor I have NO intention on going up to him to say anything. I've never said or done anything to make him want to give me a cold shoulder, and thus if he has a problem with me that's his problem. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly to me or to be my friend. I have NO problem addressing situations with people who are my friends if something is going on. I am NOT afraid of confronting someone.

I will transfer her cell to my home account. I will also more then likely install some VAR as well. I will NOT say anything to her about pass codes or anything else for that matter until I have some time to monitor. Nor will I accuse her of doing anything either without any evidence.

Again, what I'm going back and forth on is using the VAR, and concluding that she's not messing around now or in the past (which would obviously be great), however it would bother me a great deal if she was saying negative things about me to her friends. If it was just venting that I could handle, but if she's actually saying bad things about me then we would have a serious problem.

I'll also say that I agree with the assessment that a few of you have mentioned that we need to improve our communication. I know my wife gets hit on, and my dilemma is do I want her to tell me? With her never telling me it makes me wonder what she's keeping from me? Has someone that I know ever hit on her, and she didn't say anything because she knew I would be pissed and thus confront this person?

I want to know where things are, and to feel confident that she's being straight with me. My wife has never lied to me (at least that I know of). If I can get to this point then I will bring up that it isn't right that I don't have her pass codes to her cell, computer, and iPad.

I guess first things first before we have this discussion.

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice.
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post #80 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 06:23 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Get on that computer and install a key logger. If you need to set the admin password, download a Linux password changer and boot into it. If you can't figure it out, find a teenager.
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post #81 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 06:27 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

The neighbor just dissed you openly in front of friends and your wife.

And you did nothing.

In primate behaviour that's called asserting his dominance.
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post #82 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 06:37 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Well, I've changed my mind. With this latest report, I would recommend using the VAR. Sorry.
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post #83 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 06:39 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Originally Posted by sideways View Post
I will also more then likely install some VAR as well.

Again, what I'm going back and forth on is using the VAR, and concluding that she's not messing around now or in the past (which would obviously be great), however it would bother me a great deal if she was saying negative things about me to her friends. If it was just venting that I could handle, but if she's actually saying bad things about me then we would have a serious problem.

I want to know where things are,

I guess first things first before we have this discussion.

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice.
The bolded text is what your afraid of but I'm afraid you need to know what your up against...

In some ways bad mouthing you could be the lesser of what is actually happening

So glad your going with the VARs
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post #84 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 09:28 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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The neighbor just dissed you openly in front of friends and your wife.

And you did nothing.

In primate behaviour that's called asserting his dominance.

So, was the OP supposed to grab his neighbor's neck only because the neighbor didn't say hello to him or ignored him?

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post #85 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 09:35 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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Get on that computer and install a key logger. If you need to set the admin password, download a Linux password changer and boot into it. If you can't figure it out, find a teenager.



Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #86 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 09:48 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

Always keep your hand close to your vest, but stop at nothing to determine if you're being lied to, especially by your spouse, of all f'n people.
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post #87 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 09:49 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

You need a crash course in pc surveillance. Get a quality keylogger that doesn't appear in the Taskbar Processes List. If your wife open up the Taskbar and sees an unusual program process running, she'll google it and realize it's a keylogger. Then learn how to change your antivirus and anti-malware settings to ignore any operations being done by that keylogger. If the keylogger can transmit the data to your email, then make sure the firewall allows the keylogger to access the internet. Most firewalls have a Learning Mode where a window will pop up asking you if you want to allow Temporary or Permanent Permission for the keylogger. Choose Permanent Permission and then set the firewall settings back to the way it was when you first turned the laptop on. There may be more than one popups for the keylogger, so make sure you test it fully before putting things back the way they were.
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post #88 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 10:48 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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So, was the OP supposed to grab his neighbor's neck only because the neighbor didn't say hello to him or ignored him?
No, you confront like I said.

"Hey, buddy, I'm right here. Did I piss on your front lawn or something?"

And if he doesn't tell you anything or walks away, you laugh about him with the people around you.

Take back the power. Especially with the wife acting strange.
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post #89 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 11:09 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

I am confused at this point. If every member of YOUR family can see her FB page where is the whoop?

The neighbor might be of a concern, but he could have made a pass at your wife and she shut him down. You could have said something that offended him, his wife, or kids. He could be going after one of your children.

Right now it sounds like your marriage a rut, so address that first. I am not saying to hide your head in the sand but be smart about it. I don't know if it has been posted here but this list is as good as it gets.


Red flags*

Sex life dropped off noticeably
Passwords on phone and computer
Much more time on line...fakebook.
More GNOs...staying out later.
Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.
Less communication.
Staying up late on computer.
Dressing more provocative
More shopping-spending...clothes.
3 hour groceries shopping trips
Gasoline use and mileage went up
Generally disconnected from family.
New friends that I wasn't introduced to
Cell/text usage went up...way up.
New hair style and attention to makeup
Started exercising more.
Secretive about whereabouts during contact
She would become annoyed easily with me.
Household responsibilities dropped way off.
ecame more forgetful in general
A noticable distancing from her family.
Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

At most check the phone bills but put your focus on getting out of your rut,
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post #90 of 213 (permalink) Old 04-18-2016, 11:15 PM
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Re: Need some of that expert TAM wisdom

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I know it's hilarious.

I don't know any teenagers that know Linux.
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