Wanted to chime in here. Have yet to ask my wife for her pass codes this weekend as we've been pretty busy with bday parties and other kids activities. I am also wanting to give this a little more thought before I do ask her. If now is the right time?
On a previous thread (don't know which one it was), someone had listed a bunch of signs to look for possible cheating spouses. A few of them were:
*pass code on cell
*pass code on computer
*pass code on Facebook
*staying up late on the computer
*having their cell close to them at all times
*change in sexual behavior
Could someone provide this entire list? Wanted to look at this again.
I mentioned that I was throwing around the idea of using VAR on my wife. Still don't know if I want to do this at this point or not. One of the things that is keeping me from doing this, is I might not hear of any evidence that she's messing around on me or not however I may hear things that she's saying to her friends. Like trashing me to them. Then what would I do with that info?
The reason I bring this up, is there have been a few times where she has thrown me under the bus. Example. I am registered on Facebook, however I never get on it. My wife spends a lot of time on it. I am not a friend on my wife's pg.
Two weeks ago I went to her site, and even though I can't get on there as I'm not a friend, I could actually see her latest posting. She had posted a photo of our two kids from our trip last summer. One of her friends asked where it was from. My wife replied where it was taken, and the next post was from a friend who said they had already booked their reservation at this place for this summer. My wife answered, and I quote,"me and the kids would love to go back there as well, but we don't have a say on where we go for vacations".
First off, this isn't true, as every single vacation we've been on my wife and kids have selected where they wanted to go. The place we went to last summer was the first time I picked the destination. We all had a blast.
So when I read this post about her not having any "say so" in the decision (which is there for all of her friends and family to see) sorry, this didn't go over to well with me. I took a picture of the Facebook posting and those comments, and sent them to her (text) saying thanks for throwing me under the bus and for having my back. That this claim by you is also not true. She replied back saying that's not what she meant and nobody would take it that way (how I was seeing it).
So I went to about four people who I know, and read this post (verbatim) and then just shut up to hear what the first thing that they thought of after hearing this? Every single one of them said, "wow", "that would be tough to hear", or "that wouldn't make me happy seeing that". All of them thought it wasn't painting me in a good light, and certainly could see why I would be upset about it.
When I went back to tell her that a few people I reached out to about this thought the same thing after hearing it her reply was,"I'm sure it was from people who don't even know me"!! Well one of the people was my sister who knows her extremely well. She too thought the same thing. Even after hearing this my wife still stuck to her guns, and never even apologized. I did notice that she shut down her Facebook pg for about a week, however it looks like she's now back on but for some reason I can't even see her main page with the last post like I could previously see. I'm sure she's blocking me from having access to her main pg?
It makes me wonder if she's saying this right out in the open to everyone she practically knows what else is she saying in private phone conversations or texts?
Last night my son had an event that we all went to. Our neighbor two doors down, is one of the leaders of this activity. This guy is married with three boys. Let me also say I have been nothing but friendly to both he and his wife in the past. However over the last couple of yrs every single time I drive by their house this guy will not give me eye contact. In fact at the last minute he always looks the other way. It's got to the point where I just chuckle about it.
Last night at this event this guy comes up from behind and starts saying hello to a few of the people around me, and sure enough he said nothing to me. Later when he would be off in the distance I would notice him staring my way from time to time. Later, when I got home, I asked my wife if this guy was going to be running this activity next yr? She said yes. I said I was having reservations letting my kid be involved in an activity where this guy won't even acknowledge me in any way.
Before I could continue my wife cuts me off, and starts coming to this guys defense saying that he's not this way. She was NOT getting that he is this way with me, and acting as if I was WAY off base thinking this way. Her comment, "we love X". Now I'm not saying that my wife and this guy are messing around (god forbid), but what I am saying is here's another example of my wife not giving a rats ass about how I was thinking/feeling about these two situations. That she's right and not even thinking about hey "sorry, I could see how you would be thinking that".
So even though I sit here with no tangible evidence of my wife messing around now (or in the future) there's a part of me that continues to want to get to the bottom of what in the world is going on. The first thing I am going to do is transfer my wife's cell on to my account so I can start seeing her phone/text records. I can do this easily without making her wonder why I would be doing this. I already mentioned a few months back that I may try to bundle everything together.
Let me also say that I know I mentioned previously that my mother has cancer right now and how tough this has been. That said I know this can certainly stress you out, and no doubt it has. I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head on all of this stuff going on with my wife. I'm just trying my best to sort through it all, and there's a part of me that just wants to know for sure if anything went down behind back in the past or if something is going on (are starting to) right now?
I walk a fine line here as I want to know what's real and what's not, but I also don't want to push my wife in a corner and come across as controlling and accusing her of things that she may or may not have done. As I stated previously I want the marriage to work, but I don't know if things are off due to neglect on my part or if there are other things at play here.
If for some reason I do have the ability here in the future to read her texts, emails, or hear phone conversations, there's a part of me that will be VERY pissed at her if she's trashing me to anyone behind my back. Not as pissed if she was running around on me, but trashing me could certainly be enough to want to move away from this relationship. Obviously depends on what she was saying. So if by chance I do step out and start tracking her and I come across some heavy trashing me to others I would most certainly go to her with this evidence.
Man I go back and forth on this as I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Appreciate any thoughts to help sort through all of this?
It's also been a stressful week as two of my friends lost their kids this past week (one by a suicide and the other by OD).
That is VERY bad. First this guy dissing you like that and being cold toward you lately tells me he has something against you. The fact that your wife so forcefully defended him has my spider senses tingling.
If he is banging your wife, he'll get possessive over her and see you as a threat, especially if she's bad mouthing you to him, which I'd place money she is. A woman defending another man against her husbands concern is such a huge red flag.
We've been telling you to get the VARS in place but you keep delaying. Also, I'm sensing too much meekness from you. How you let this guy diss you that day and you didn't confront him when he's staring you down. You are probably giving off a pushover vibe that signals to men that there is nothing to fear from pursuing your wife.