Anniversay....
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Anniversay....

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-10-2011, 07:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Anniversay....

So he sent me an e card for our Anniversary because I work out of state....I did discuss how personal cards mean more and maybe some flowers would be nice...but I hate telling or asking him for things....so we were on video chat he was supposed to be on at 7 but at 7:20 I finally called him...he was sleeping...(no suprise)....my anniversary present was him telling me that he saw the OW in her vehicle as he was pulling out of a place in town and neither of them waved at eachother....WOW thanks for telling me nothing happened...GIVE ME ABREAK...if nothing happened then why tell me at all??? He had told me that he would go over to her house after 9:30 at night so no one would see him...well he also told me last night that he had school work to do right aorund the same time...HUMMM.....So do you think he would have done the school work earlier instead of sleeping??? So he could have spent more time with me......???? I would think so.....Oh well happy or shall I say unhappy aniversary to me.......
Was it guilt that he told me he saw her...? Was it something else?
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anniversay....

I re-read this several times. I'm trying to learn from it since I have the same role as him as far as the relationship goes. Since I cheated on my wife (EA), I need to make sure I don't screw up her birthday, holidays, and our anniversary in any way from now until the end of my time.

As for your situation, he seems to feel very guilty and needs to let you know that he was a good boy and that he's being open and honest with you. On occasion, I feel the same way when I show my wife my phone contents (text, calls, emails) as if I'm proudly showing that I'm being a good boy. While is reassuring to me, it can go over like a lead balloon with her. It's me still feeling ashamed of what I did. Perhaps he is doing the same. I don't know.

I do know that I feel that I'm am not worthy of the same level of love from her that I had in the past, and that I don't want to behave as if nothing happened. These two things are huge weights that keep me from moving forward too fast, and the also make me move too slow. Maybe his mind is in the same place.

Again, I don't know.
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anniversay....

Regarding telling you he saw the OW, his timing sucked but other than that it's a no win for him. If he tells you, it understandably bothers you, if he doesn't tell you and somehow you find out later - he was hiding something right? He can't really win either way. If you want to know you have to be prepared to hear it, if you don't want to know tell him not to tell you any more and forget it. Personally I'd want to know.

To me the real question in you post is what does his lack of attention and apathy on your anniversary mean? My immediate thought was "he could have done a better job of showing you how he feels about you," but then I thought, "what if that's what he did." His reaction to your anniversary could be guilt, apathy, fear of doing the wrong thing post D Day - it could be any number of things. I think all you can really do it try to talk to him about it in a manner that doesn't come across as putting a guilt trip on him for not giving you a present on your anniversary. Nothing will get better if you don't talk.
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anniversay....

I think he told for two reasons mentioned above

1. Guilt
2. To convey he was good

I think it was a mistake. The resentment of even having this woman in the world is huge. I dont think she should ever be mentioned again. Every time she is mentioned its a reminder he is thinking about her, acknowledges she exists and opens old wounds.

Moving on is 100% ignoring her existance and moving past the mistake to focus on building a future not living in the past
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anniversay....

Thanks everyone...well I spoke to him today...called at 12:30 and guess what he was sleeping...he told me last night he was going to go to sleep after working on his college and he tells me today that he couldn't sleep...this makes me wonder why couldn't he sleep...? Is it because he saw her and misses her...he keeps telling me he wishes I was there....is he missing me or the female companionship???? makes me think the latter as he had a hard time going to sleep...he told me he watched TV and still wasn't tired..He also tells me that his unemployment is running out and he knows how he needs to get a job...part of me thinks the only reason why he is there is because of the unemployment situation and the uncomfortability of him having to look for a job....he did tell me in the past that he was "scared to death to live on his own"....so is he there because of comfort or love??? He sent me a song that I will have to listen to today....the song is originally a Christian song dedicated to Messiah....he has told me in the past that he stays because I loved him first.....so does he place me on some kind of pedistal or something?....like I am forgiving and infalable....well he has a suprise because if I think he is still decieving me he is in for a very rude awakening....
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anniversay....

I don't know how long it has been since he cheated, but I can't sleep much either. I just sit and dwell on what I did and who I hurt until late at night. Not having a job and not being with you has to be very depressing as well. So the depression could really be kicking in hard. If he's not completely over the good (fake) feelings he had with her, he is going to miss that drug that he wishes he never tried.

I'm not trying to defend him, I'm just trying to give a different possible positive perspective. But as the one who was cheated on, you need to stand your ground and make sure that emails and phone bills support his story.
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