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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-11-2011, 12:39 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

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After that we never really talked about anything too much. She now said that she didn't want to break her mom's heart by ending canceling the wedding and risk her trying to take her life again.

I don't know what to do. She does seem like she wants to make things work. I do believe she's really willing... but who knows. I could just be in denial.
She might use "suicide" as a way to hold your marriage together?
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:41 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

You need to tell his wife. Immediately.
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Exposure Letter

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Old 10-11-2011, 12:41 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

I agree with Shaggy on this one - her vows meant nothing to her, she has been using you in order to be her provider and protector, but not her lover since she has that with someone else. In other words she has no love for you, she will take as much as she can from you while giving as little as possible to string you along. She is toxic and her mom's emotional state has nothing to do with your needs, she likely is using that as well to guilt you into remaining her provider.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:43 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Okay, she was seeing a married man? And just broke it off yesterday?

Seeing a married man means she does not value marriage much.

And it's too soon for her to say anything meaningful. Whatever she is saying now does not matter much because she's in the "fog". And she'll say anything right now.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:44 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Reed and heed this advice (copy/pasted from another person's infidelity story, but the rules apply to you as well):

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Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's Wife,

Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Your Name"


THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the house/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go.


Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:45 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Her story doesn't check out. If she wanted to be a good wife, and she didnt want to upset her mother, she could have stopped cheating. She certainly could have stopped it because she was getting married.

She didn't. All she did was continue to play you.

Kick her out, AND find the guys wife and tell her about her cheating husband.

Don't let her crocodile tears cloudyour judgment. A good person would not do what she has done. I bet she would have even gotten pregnant by the other guy and had you raise the kid.

Please listen to people here, and don't give into fear or other emotional games. The woman who married you is a liar and a cheat. Get her out of your life today.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:45 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Oh and ultimately the decision is yours what to do here but if you've only been married 3 months and she's been cheating on you nearly 2 years, me personally--I would get an annullment. This is way too much drama for only 90 days of marriage.

Still, you need to let the OM's wife know.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:46 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

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She said that she wanted to tell me awhile ago, before the wedding. We had a big fight one day and she told me she's confused about us....

She now said that she didn't want to break her mom's heart by ending canceling the wedding and risk her trying to take her life again.
Sounds like she isn't quite sure what she wants. That's why counseling is good. Sounds like you're not sure if things can work and that's also why counseling is good. But, transparency and honesty are really important. If she's still seeing the other guy, or not being honest to herself or you, then there are already big problems here. You can't ever have what you had before because that is forever gone, but you might be able to rebuild something else -- but only if it's really what both of you want. You wouldn't want to be with someone who is ambivalent about you, in the end, right? That's what I'm trying to remember. Just take your time to figure out what you really want and then see if you can understand her motivations, too. Good luck.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:46 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Oh, and she's lying about never tslking to him again. She will just fund a way that you don't know about. Expose both of them and make the affair as hard for them as possible.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:50 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

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Oh, and she's lying about never tslking to him again. She will just fund a way that you don't know about. Expose both of them and make the affair as hard for them as possible.
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I think I agree with this. If she has been carrying on with this person for 1.5 years and doing so both before and during your marriage, I doubt she will actually just stop talking to him. I am guessing she will just be more secretive.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:52 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Continuing with the marriage will bring you a lifetime of pain.

She lacks integrity, faithfulness and trustworthiness.

You'll never know if you will be the biological father of any of your children.

You'll never know when she goes out if she's seeing someone else.

You'll never know when you may get a STD.

You'll never know when she's telling the truth.


Maybe someday she'll develop a higher standard? Maybe not?
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:54 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

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You can't ever have what you had before because that is forever gone
This is so true.

What a way to start a long-term marriage relationship!
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:20 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Get the anullment, then let her work towards fixing your relationship. If you do decide to get back together, have her sign a pre-nup.

Protect yourself at this point and work on yourself, then look at the situation to see if you still want to be with her. You're still young and if she's not the one, you still have time.
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:35 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

Sorry OP, your marriage was over before it ever began. SOME, and i do mean some of us can get over an affair, especially if it was just once, and just basically sex.

But i think the majority of us draws the line forever when its an ongoing affair. Because usually its both an Emotional and Physical Affair. You just can't flip the switch to "off" when its been going on for so long. Trust me, you never knew this woman. No matter who she was when you met her, her saying yes to your engagement proposal, and her holding your hands up the alter. She wasn't the woman you thought she was. I could never look her in the face again. The damage is done, and even if you could forgive her, you could never forget the image of somebody on top of her for the last year and a half when she should of been only loving you. You deserve better, and she doesn't deserve and resemblence of happyness.
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:48 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

How long before you can get an anullment because our actual court marriage was in May. Three months ago is when we did it with the family and when we actually moved in together
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