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Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

107K views 258 replies 61 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 ·
Hi,
So I just found out yesterday that my wife of 3 months, who I've been with for 7 years, has been cheating on me for 1.5 years. I can't even believe this is happening to me. We've been together since college and I've always loved her. I don't know what to do at this point? Is it even possible to move past this and save our marriage? I'm completely heart broken but I still do have feelings for her. We are going to go to a marriage councelor but I don't know how they can help me trust her again. She claims she wants to be with me and have a future with me but I can't even tell if shes lying anymore.
 
#37 ·
If you go through the various threads on this subject and on any infidelity forum, you will find scores of stories where there was infidelity early in the marriage, reconciliation that lasted for some time, and then the infidelity is repeated--sometimes years later--with the betrayed spouse wondering why they didn't heed the obvious warning signs...and sometimes now trapped by children and alimony obligations.

I have two words for you: (1) run! and (2) annulment.

This woman has (thankfully) revealed who she is, her lack of character, what she thinks of you, and what she thinks of marriage at a time where you can get out and start over without years of history, children, joint possessions etc. Get out while the getting is good my friend....take that money you might use for counselling and spend it on attorney fees....get er done...
 
#38 ·
Oh my God, this is beyond the pale.

She was having sex for 1.5 years and you have only been married for 3 months. She has been screwing this guy right up to the wedding and screwing him during your honeymoon period as well as putting your health at risk for STD's.

Please seek an attorney for an annulment. You would be out of your mind to stay with someone like this. You both need to get checked for STD's. Clearly her marriage vows to you were a farce. This woman has a total broken moral compass. Clearly she had no intention of ever telling you and would still be screwing this guy behind your back.

You have been married only 3 months. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? If she had gotten pregnant by her lover I doubt she would have even told. Do not waste your life on an amoral individual as your wife. You would have to be in big time denial not to see this. Her action indicate clearly she has absolutely no respect for you or her wedding vows. If you do not respect yourself then who will? This is so unbelievable.
 
#39 ·
I'm in recovery with my husband after he had a 7 month EA/PA and also confessed to a PA 10 years ago. We've been married almost 15 years, together for 17 and have two children. I can honestly say this is the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to go through. If we just had 7 years together, no children, and only married 3 months. . . I would've walked.

I love my husband, but trying to recover from his affairs is incredibly painful. He's doing everything he can to rebuild trust, but it will take time. He realizes why he cheated and is doing the heavy introspection to make changes in himself so it doesn't happen again. But I will always be vigilant. I will never trust him like I did the day I married him, but at least on that day he deserved my trust. Sadly, your wife did not.

I agree that you should go ahead with an annulement or divorce. If after counseling you want to marry her again, then you can have a wedding day that isn't tainted by an affair.

Good luck and do what is best for you.
 
#40 ·
I agree that you never really knew her. This is not a simple slip-up, it's living a dual life.

Your only hope is if you could ever start all over again with her....emotionally separate, wipe slate clean and build a relationship from scratch that's not based on lies.

From hearing your story, I don't think this is possible as there is too much baggage. Better to start new with someone else as painful as that might be.
 
#41 ·
Check your state's family codes, in re: anulment---they are on line---just go to google type in, your state family codes---it will give you everything

Get your anulment---so you are free to move on, if that is what you need to do

This woman has been looking you in the eyes every night for 18 months, and lying to you

She has been allowing you to have sloppy 2nds, why would you wanna stay with someone, who as she was taking her vows, was spreading her legs for another---is that the kind of person you wanna love, and stay with.

She just ended it yesterday---I doubt that---you just don't dump someone cold turkey after 18 months of sex, and passion, or whatever she wants to call it

What would bother me, is, as she is standing there taking her vows, who was she thinking about you, or him

If you really want a future, with this person, get an anulment, then go from there, you can always get a judge to re-marry you, if that is what you want---but what she did to you, I don't know how you even look at her---your whole wedding was a lie!!!!!!
 
#43 ·
If you’ve thrown the switch and it’s definitely over for you, you will start grieving your loss. They say it’s a month for every year together. So seven months to a year of a roller coaster of emotions is ahead of you. Including one heck of a lot of anger and sadness. Look into the grieving process so that you know you are not alone in these things, start with 7 STAGES OF GRIEF. Use your anger for positive things, most especially for becoming physically strong. I got two very big punch bags and a multigymn I could get on when I just could get rid of the anger. It does need an outlet, a constructive outlet.

When things got really bad I found that in time it passed. So when again I hit a wall of emotions I’d say to myself “This too shall pass”. And it did. You will come out of this a better and more learned man, most especially more learned about yourself. And you will come to terms with who your wife is and like me with mine you may well see her as two people, the one you knew and the one you didn’t know at all.
 
#44 ·
Thank goodness that you did the right thing. You now need immediately to get checked for STD's. You are hurting now of course. In the long run you will look back at this and know that you did the correct thing. You will be much happier in the future. I guarantee it.
 
#46 ·
I installed a keylogger on my computer. Man I just can't even believe what I found. She had a secret email that she used to keep in touch with him. Dated back to over a year. She was messaging him around our wedding dates, and from our honeymoon saying that she would rather be there with him. And she didn't cut contact with him even though she repeatedly swore to me that she would. I can't believe someone I trusted so much was capable of all of this. Seven years gone down the drain
 
#53 ·
I installed a keylogger on my computer. Man I just can't even believe what I found. She had a secret email that she used to keep in touch with him. Dated back to over a year. She was messaging him around our wedding dates, and from our honeymoon saying that she would rather be there with him. And she didn't cut contact with him even though she repeatedly swore to me that she would. I can't believe someone I trusted so much was capable of all of this. Seven years gone down the drain
OMG. Why in the world was she marrying you?
 
#60 ·
I'm sorry about the trouble you're going through. Anyway you slice it, where you are now is a very painful place. It does eventually get better, with time.

The silver lining here, if there is any, is that your marriage has been relatively brief. That doesn't take much of an edge off the pain, but it does make things otherwise somewhat easier.

If she told you the quoted statement, and she was not just saying it for other reasons (and let's presume she was not), my guess is that the OM was "Plan A", but was unavailable to marry (already married to someone else), and you were "Plan B" (less wanted than Plan A but, unlike Plan A, available). At some point she may have wanted to cut it off with Plan A, but couldn't bring herself to do so, so she decided to be the OW to Plan A while marrying her Plan B so she could get both a marriage of her own and maintain her access to Plan A.

Do you know when the OM was separated? If it has been recently (last 6 months, given your schedule here), that may have also tripped your W into a mode of seeing Plan A as potentially more viable (due to potentially being available if he divorced his wife), which may also have motivated her to maintain the affair with Plan A.

Very nasty stuff indeed, really. Terrible, in fact. And terrible pain. But getting away from someone like that, as painful as it will be for you, is also much, much better for you in the medium term and beyond.
 
#103 ·
What do I do, AlmostRecovered?




Male, 46, Indian, living for the past 2 years away from family which is in India. Visiting them once in three months. Wife is taking care of kids. Married for 16 years. Arranged marriage.

Three months ago, she confessed that she had an EA with a school mate. Her family members ended the affair and married her off to me. I did not know about the affair until her confession.

I also observed that she is a bit flirtatious to other younger men and gives them contact numbers (in my presence). Talked to an unmarried neighbor in whisper on her mobile. I could notice these two things apart from her non participative sex with me. She just engaged in sex as if nothing was happening.

I am very angry after knowing her EA, and feel used up. She says that if she had her way, she would have married the school mate. Recently, she told me that the school mate was smarter than me, and remembered his date of birth to me.
Denies any physical affair with the school mate.

Have lovely kids, and I don't want them to suffer for no fault of theirs. She has the fighting tendency with all the family members and there is no friend for her. I know that she is a caring person and very possessive. Gets angry very quickly and it is me and kids that bear the brunt.
Please help me by advising on:
1. How to get the truth if she had any physical affair with the school mate?
2. How to know if she has any affair with any other man? I am living in a foreign country.
3. How to make things better?

Lost 10 kilos in three months, not able to apply myself properly to work, feel very depressed and angry.

She confessed about the school mate only after a fight. She questioned me about all my friends and whatever is happening to me. I asked if you are asking questions about me, what I am doing here, tell me about your friends. In 16 years of married life, there was no mention at all.

She became angry and said if she told me about her friends I would not be able to bear and asked me to leave that subject for the good of both of us. Then I asked her what is that matter which I cannot bear.

That is how she came to confess about the EA.

Leaving that EA 16 years ago, why is she flirting with younger men? Why is she talking in whisper to my unmarried neighbor? These are the signs. Plus, there was no emotional union in the sex.

That is how I came to suspect. Is there a way to make her tell the truth?
 
#55 ·
I would have printed out the emails where she wrote to him, especially the one from your honeymoon saying she'd rather be w/ him, and leave it on her bed/nightstandw hen you go back to get your stuff. W/o a note. Without anything. Just the email. I'd prob highlight it with a highlighter.

Sorry to hear this happened but it's better you found out now instead of 10 years from now. Sounds like she had zero intention of breaking off the affair with him.

Who is the guy? If he's married, you need to tell his wife (Save copies of the emails, too).



 
#57 ·
my friend actually works with her in the same office and he wants to put everything out in the open and just ruin her rep at work. Not sure if thats a good idea. what do you guys think?

She changed the password to the email now. I did save a few of them on my phone. I don't even know how to get a hold of her wife. His facebook is blocked
 
#67 ·
You’re doing the right thing; if she is fantasizing about another guy on your honeymoon then she didn’t marry you for love. She probably was just using you anyway and is scared to be alone without your support.

Affairs, especially long ones that are still pretty recent don’t end overnight. If you were to try to work things out with her chances are she would start it up again when she started to miss him and the dust settles. She didn’t give you much of a choice and don’t feel too bad for her, she brought this on herself. Maybe she’ll learn something from this.
 
#68 ·
She is a real piece of work. The OM probably dumped her and she wants you to be the fall back - doormat guy. I don't think this should be hard for you at all. She has played you for a total fool. You deserve so much better than this. If the roles were reversed she would have already divorced you.
 
#69 ·
Yea he did end it with her. According to her anyway. I know i shouldnt even care and that everything is all her fault but it's almost hard for me not to feel bad for her. She literally has no one now. She lost him, me, my family, her own family, and even most of her friends are on my side and want nothing to do with her anymore. She's gotta be in a horrible place.... It's hard enough for me, I can't even imagine what she's going through.... But then I guess she deserves it..
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