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Been cheated on for last 1.5 years

107K views 258 replies 61 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 ·
Hi,
So I just found out yesterday that my wife of 3 months, who I've been with for 7 years, has been cheating on me for 1.5 years. I can't even believe this is happening to me. We've been together since college and I've always loved her. I don't know what to do at this point? Is it even possible to move past this and save our marriage? I'm completely heart broken but I still do have feelings for her. We are going to go to a marriage councelor but I don't know how they can help me trust her again. She claims she wants to be with me and have a future with me but I can't even tell if shes lying anymore.
 
#70 ·
BB - you know the rules for R. she's got to do the heavy lifting - somehow she needs to know / understand this, yet you will proceed with D, unless she undertakes the heavy lifting with remorse and you change your mind based on her progress.

Otherwise, stay the course and go dark. OM got full of cake. He'll probably be back in her life at some point in future when his "stomach for cake" has returned.

Tell her that it must suck to be her, betraying everyone like that! Hard for her to imagine that everyone else has feelings too!
 
#75 ·
Then just skip the drama and tell her that after reading her email and seeing her true cod ugly heart, there is no way you could ever even see yourself being kind to her let alone being stupid enough to actually trust her with your love.
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#77 ·
Actually this type of situation seems more common than people realize. When a single woman becomes OW for the MM, she sometimes decide to date another single man and even marry to settle down, all the while still carrying on the secret rendezvous with MM. Some MM even encourages her to date other men to settle down out of guilt or to get her off his back a little.
 
#85 ·
A cheater has cheated and she thinks she can uncheat the one thing that can not be uncheated, since it's happened, that one thing is MArriage. You have sighned a contract by her emotionaly and physicaly with heart fealt approval by both families to let two individuals come togethor as 1 and bear a family to progress children to be even better people, in the name of the 1 and ongly God willing. You can be merciful see how far that goes... but infidelity is infidelity, don't let a cheater ruen you and your family, especialy your children. A cheater has been nothing more than selfish and only considerabley interested in her / his own lustful sick well beings. you need to continue on and parry this nonesense, adn move out and or on. if she been having sex with other men befroe marriage, then thats a sign that she's interested in having alot of sex in marriage, God willin git's not true. Al woman and men can change and will change if they choose to. Wtach and see, if life / your marriage has been short live, best thing to do is find a woman with values that can be upheld and respected as a better woman/ mother and or stepmother and a for sure longer lasting approved wife.
Islam means PEACE!Lol;)!
 
#91 ·
In addition to all the pain attendant to the cheating and lying, Ithink one of the major obstacles for men whose wives demonstrates this type of really stupid, immature behavior, is the embarrassment one feels being married to such a dim bulb.
I mean, really, how can you ever respect someone so dumb and immature such that she would text you something like that.
It is downright pathetic, and i would feel as if i was having relations with a vulnerable adult if I ever had sex with her again.
When I hear this mooning over "soulmates" etc, it really makes me wonder how these folks ever functioned in the real world.
 
#94 ·
this rings true for me. I am kinda embarassed that I was devoted to someone so... immature. I see my stbxw seemingly unraveling, often texting me asking things about our child a half-decent mom ought to be able to figure out pretty easily... like when he was with her earlier this week "he has a rash and fever and is tired and cranky WHAT SHOULD I DO"... me: "um well let him rest it off or take him to a doctor" (free access to healthcare where I live) her: "ok good idea" then later when I asked what the doctor said, her:"no, his rash faded and temp is normal now". palmface. When it concerns my child I'll intervene and provide the necessary leadership to make such obvious decisions, but to see her completely unrepentent and focussed on her new priorities I sometimes see why cavemen had to slap some sense into their wives (sarcasm, I'm not advocating physical abuse here).
 
#95 ·
So I've been thinking a lot about my and my stbxw relationship and I'm pretty sure that she has cheated in the past as well. There were a couple of guys that I have been suspicious of and lately I feel like I really want to find out. One of the guys is a friend of one of my good friends so I'm wondering if I should pursue trying to find out or just drop it... What do you guys think?
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#97 ·
This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I haven't gone more than 4 days without talking to her. She's always the one that gets in touch with me first but I gotta say I miss her like crazy when she doesn't. Cant believe she ruined everything so goddamn bad
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#101 ·
No I still haven't decided if I want to know if there were other guys. I'm almost positive there was but it would just devastate me all over again if I found out for sure. Don't get me wrong, there's no chance of me going back to her. I havent seen her since I left more than a month ago and have no intention to. It's just tough as hell going from talking to someone every day for 7 years to not at all.

Where can I see the 180? Yea the lawyer is saying that we will most likely be able to get the annulment. Hopefully that will go through soon.
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#106 ·
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

16. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

27. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

29. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

30. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

31. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

32. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
 
#108 ·
Thanks for that. These are good rules but it almost seems like this is for people that may want to get back with their WS. I definitely do not. The only contact I have with her right now is when she randomly texts me every few days and then I can't help myself and text back. And then that usually ends up in a fight and name calling. Sometimes it's civil, but I'm thinking that there's no point in even keeping contact, even if it is civil.
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