As far as marriage councelling goes, does anyone know if insurance covers it? We're pretty broke with me back in school for 1 more year.
Depends upon your insurer and coverage. In the Summary of Benefits, it is mentioned under the psychological section in my policy, but it is covered. Our marriage counselor said that some insurers only pay for a set amount of counseling.
I'll think about that. One thing I'm going to demand tonight, is that she sets up an online account with our cell phone provider and that I have full access. Since I know where she is literally 99% of the time, any contact would be on her cell records.
If the contact with him really did cease in February and there are no other suspicious calls since, I'll feel a lot better.
She is not stupid. If she knows that is what you will be monitoring and wants to continue contact, why would she use the same tool of communication? Also, you don't even know this is one time thing? I am just worried that your approach seems nothing short of just sweeping under the rug. Be more proactive than this!
She is not stupid. If she knows that is what you will be monitoring and wants to continue contact, why would she use the same tool of communication? Also, you don't even know this is one time thing? I am just worried that your approach seems nothing short of just sweeping under the rug. Be more proactive than this!
I don't disagree and I can see where you're coming from. Here's the thing. According to her and the emails I've seen, I have no solid reason to believe that she's been doing anything since February. One look at her cell records from then to now will 99% confirm or reject that since she and the phone have been surgically connected forever. If I see a pattern of calls to him or anyone else since then, that will let me know I'm not getting the truth from her. I know this isn't a 100% guarantee, but it's a huge one.
Is it possible there's a hidden email account or something else? Sure, but my wife is not very tech savvy (i am) and I've been poring over browser histories as well for any other ID's in hotmail, yahoo, gmail, etc, and haven't found anything. I may never know everything that happened for sure, but I'm reasonably confident that I'll be able to spot if it lasted longer than she said. Thank you. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, even if I'm too dumb to take all of it.
You forgot to insist on the rest of her passwords and marriage counseling.
As far as I know, I have all of her other passwords. I can access her hotmail and her facebook (and have been able to for a long time, I just didn't check them carefully before). As I wrote above, I will think about marriage counseling. I'm leaning towards it right now. I'm still in shock so my planning is kind of muddled right now.
Well she has had her cell phone all day, so she has very likely deleted all incriminating texts. You might still be able get them from backups if she syncs to the pc, or from the SIMM card depending on the phone. Google the model + remover text
You really should have that keyloggrer running, and she should be showing you her phone whenever you ask to see it. Wait a couple of days on the phone for her to get complacent.
Have you asked her his it started and how it ended.? Posted via Mobile Device
Well she has had her cell phone all day, so she has very likely deleted all incriminating texts. You might still be able get them from backups if she syncs to the pc, or from the SIMM card depending on the phone. Google the model + remover text
You really should have that keyloggrer running, and she should be showing you her phone whenever you ask to see it. Wait a couple of days on the phone for her to get complacent.
Have you asked her his it started and how it ended.? Posted via Mobile Device
All I really need to know is if the calls have continued since February. If they have, I don't need to see more texts to know what was in them. If she's been in contact with him since then, I'll know it by looking at our old cell phone bills (she has been doing the bills...yeah red flag in retrospect) and if she lied about the calls, I'll assume she's lying about the rest. I'm hoping contact did stop back then but I'll know soon enough.
As far as how it started, it was apparently through facebook. I do not have details on how it progressed. I do not know how it ended either. She insinuated that they contact just kind of died out. She'll be home in 15-20 minutes and i'll press her on that.
She has been sending me sweet "I love you" texts throughout the day...dare to dream! But seriously, I know there's a lot of work to do.
One technique for getting the truth out of someone is to have them tell the tale in reverse. It trips up their rehearsed story and shows the spots they are lying about. Posted via Mobile Device
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It stopped in Feb? Maybe and you could be 100% right on that but that doesnt mean she deserves your automatic trust. That has to be earned back. You have zero reason to believe it wont happen again and be hidden like before. You are not wront to feel like that. There was something that caused her to do it before and if it's not resolved likely will do it again. Get some help even if seperately. She needs to resolve her issues and you need to resolve this
Call ur phone company or check online for past phone call log statements and text messages. You MUST tell his wife. And don't let your wife or him know beforehand.
Hurt, I copy/pasted this from another thread I wrote in but it's relevant to you:
Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!
Why?
Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.
Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:
"OM's Wife,
Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).
Your Name"
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"
Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the house/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go.
Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.
As someone who had an EA, let me tell you about the power of the affair drug. My wife discovered my EA when she saw emails on my phone. So I had to tell the OW it's over. I did, and we haven't contacted each other since.
Yet, the drug like addiction desire to feel those "good feelings" again is very strong. But, I have not done so. My wife has forgiven me, I am in counseling, and we are going to do counseling together. Does that mean I don't think of the OW? No. I hurt her as well, as others, and that's a hurt that I can't even attempt to fix since it would start things all over again her. And I don't want that for either of us, and my wife.
To go from "deep passionate love" (fake) to no contact can happen. But the drug like feeling will last for some time. It's just now starting to fade away for me. What is not is the hurt I caused everyone.
It took me four to six weeks of NC along with some anti-depressants to go through withdrawal.
It is very powerful, yet very enlightening. I did not see what I was doing as anything more than having a close female friend. However, after the withdrawal it was then obvious to me.
All I really need to know is if the calls have continued since February. If they have, I don't need to see more texts to know what was in them. If she's been in contact with him since then, I'll know it by looking at our old cell phone bills (she has been doing the bills...yeah red flag in retrospect) and if she lied about the calls, I'll assume she's lying about the rest. I'm hoping contact did stop back then but I'll know soon enough.
You do realize that the other most common tool for cheating besides the secret email accounts is the secret cell phone - those pay as you go phones. With those phones, you can pay for them in cash at many stores and pay in cash to refill the minutes on those.
Here are some posts in a thread about affair phones in a forum from a support site for cheating women:
“That's why he has a pay as you go phone! No bills for W to find - but if ever she got hold of the phone...........! We will be soooooo busted!!!”
“same here...he has several hiding places he keeps it& he'll move it around every so often but really it's only home w/ him on sunday-tuesday. then he's off on the road and doesn't have to worry about it. Except one time he was on his regular phone w/ her..and I called him (normally he has it on vibrate) and it started ringing and she was like "who's phone is that?" and OMG he almost got seriously busted a while back. She was talkin to him on the phone and he had "our' phone laying on his chest..he was lyain down in his bunk on the bus. She said "XX (the kid) wants you to take a picture and send it to him"..so he took a picture of himself...and she calls back and was like "who's phone is that in the pic?" he was like "huh?" looks at it and realizes like an idiot he left the phone on his chest. He said "oh that is XX (band mate), he had to use my charger and I told him it was charged and was waitin for him to get it.." surprisingly she believed him ha! that was a close one...”
“I am sorry you are going through this ....as XXXX said be VERY careful....even if you get a call from his mobile or home nunber...let him speak 1st (tell him that this is what you are doing so he does speak) as she may do a redial or something from HIS phone”
“Dont contact him 1st at any time.... she will be on red alert....and there are so many gadgets out there now to help someone who wants to spy on another person...like putting key loggers on the computer”
“Him phoning you from work on a work line should be a safe way to chat...but for awhile be REALLY careful with texts...if you do send any...keep them 'normal' no love or sexual texts”
“Good luck I hope it all blows over”
“It may be a good idea for him to have you listed on his phone in a male name not under your name”
“My MM's W went through his old phone and found photos, e-mails and VMs going back years - before me and after me.”
“He has also had my picture as caller ID - and it was seen a few times before this final phone d-day. Now he has a fingerprint scan locking application on his new phone.”
“He had no choice but to fess up to everything. We are riding it out - and he is finally being more careful.”
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Re: Devistated by Wife's Emotional Affair 
