Yesterday afternoon, I called my wife to ask for her hotmail password because I was downloading a trial Microsoft product and needed to register it through WindowsLive. She gave me the password (after asking why I needed it) and I went into her email to click the link on the confirmation email. I didn't see the email immediately (I later found it in the "junk" folder, if you were wondering) so I started poking around - I really don't know why.
To make a long story short, I wound up in her "Sent" folder, and discovered a bunch of graphic emails between her and a guy I had never heard of. I found out later, she had known him in high school (she's 37 now). The emails were dated between November of last year and January of this year. They included graphic pictures of his "stuff", references to phone sex conversations they had had, etc.... He apparently lives about 40 minutes from here.
In shock, I read and reread each email. My wife was at work and wasn't coming home for several hours, so I just wandered around the house after the kids (we have 4 daughters, the oldest being 5) went to bed.
When she finally came home, I told her we needed to have a big-boy / big-girl conversation. She looked annoyed and asked what was going on. I started by asking her if we were still married because she loved me, or was it only because of our kids. She seemed completely surprised by the question and asked what this was all about. I stated that I knew all about "John" (made up name). I said I had seen the emails, the texts, the pictures, and that I knew about all the phone calls.
My wife seemed floored, kind of like a deer in the headlights look. She responded finally, that she did love me and that kids or not, she did want to stay married. I went on, saying that I wasn't looking for a fight or to make her feel bed. This wasn't something I wanted to hold over her head forever. Whatever we needed to do to fix the marriage, I was all in -- I just needed to know if that was what she wanted.
As our conversation went on, she seemed to say all the right things. She apologized multiple times and told me that there had never been any physical contact between them. I want to believe her...we'll see. The emails seemed to indicate it was all via phone and computer.
I told her to be straight up brutally honest with me and to please let me know if there was something I was doing (or wasn't) that had driven her to do this. She couldn't come up with a reason why and basically claimed temporary insanity. She also said it's never happened before or since. I do think she is telling the truth in this aspect, since I saw an email from him in February, to her, saying that he hoped she was doing well, along with our family. (we had a special needs baby girl born in March, who has been hospitalized for three of the 4 months she's been alive). I also saw a Facebook message to her from him in August where he said he had been following our daughter's progress online via my wife's status updates, that he was praying for her (our daughter), that he always thinks about her (my wife) and that if there was anything he could do, to please let him know.
Anyway, that's the gist of it. Since then, my wife has seemed committed to repairing the damage. She's open to talking about it and genuinely seems concerned.
It's been less than a day though and I've found myself crying while my kids are napping, although I'm not sure why. I want to talk it to death with her, but I'm afraid I'll alienate her if I keep bringing it up over and over and over again. I told her last night that once we were done with the conversation, I would not bring it up again, and instead, just concentrate on moving on and fixing things.
I guess I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. I love her and I think she's sorry and loves me. (I really do) Should I just shut up and see what happens from here? The only demands I've made of her is for her to remove him from her Facebook friends list, and to send him an email telling him not to call or write ever again. I just asked her that this afternoon. We met at the hospital for lunch before she went to work. She hasn't removed him yet, but it's very possible she's busy at work. I'll reiterate that tonight when she gets home if it hasn't been done by then. Also, I didn't know about the "No Contact Letter" when I talked to her. I have it pasted into MS Word and I will ask her to read it, copy it into an email to him and send it to him tonight.
Any thoughts? I'm going a little crazy but I don't want to do or say something stupid.
Bringing it up once and then never again is called......rug sweeping. You only ask two things from her.
Complete transparency and total honesty. Its simple. You also tell her that in the future you randomly choose times to have her take a polygraph test. Could be a year, could be five. But what the hell, see how the rug sweeping works for you.
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Re: Devistated by Wife's Emotional Affair
You are doing very well in terms of the steps you have asked her to take.
You do have a right to be upset about it for more than a day though. You don't have to apologize for wanting answers or bringing it up until you are finally given the answers you are looking for.
Expose the other man (OM) to his wife. That's important so that his wife can be aware and protect herself. Also, she can help keep an eye on him to make sure he does not contact your wife again.
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Re: Devistated by Wife's Emotional Affair
Your are likely getting trickle truth now. On D-Day I got the I love you and would never let a "friendship" interfere with our marriage. Three days later I got a written laundry list of what a crappy husband I had been and the ILYBANILWU speech.
You and she have made some good initial steps but make sure she knows no contact is a requirement. Also that you need full disclosure. I will disagree with others on exposure at this point. Hold that one back for now.
OBTW, our marriage recovered and thrived with time.
Been exactly where you are, Hurt. Asking for a NC letter (and getting rid of his contact info) is very reasonable.
I think Duration has it right on- the best cure for this is her transparancy and honesty.
I don't know about sweeping this under the rug, tho'. You're allowed to have hurt feelings. More than allowed- I'd expect anyone to be hurt. She's going to have to realize that it's up to her to help you thru this, by being honest, by working hard to reestablish trust, etc.
I do think you need to get assurances that this affair is truly over, and if that means picking at her about it for awhile, then so be it. If she understands how she's hurt you and is truly sorry, then it shouldn't be a problem.
I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you- but you can survive it, and so can your marriage if she's truly remorseful and willing to work on things with you.
If it's just trickle-truth, you will need to reevaluate and figure out a plan.
You handled the initial discovery very well. I wish I had handled at as well as you.
You can't really sweep this under the rug because the pain you are feeling is real. She is going to have to reassure you and reassure you again.
Your trust has been smashed to pieces so you will have to rebuild it, bit by bit. She needs to realize that for that to happen you are going to need her to be transparent.
All email passwords
All phone records.
She has lost the right to privacy for the time being.
If you find it difficult to talk about it I would suggest MC. This is a place where she is safe to talk and you are safe to ask questions and express your very real pain.
The OM needs to be off FB.
The OM needs to be out of her life totally.
Consequences.
What will happen if she contacts the OM again?
I'm so sorry you're going through this and be aware that most cheaters when caught lie and trickle truth. If the OM was only 40 minutes away, it is possible it went physical. Don't rule it out yet.
Also, you will most likely need to talk about her affair more than once in order to move on and recover. It is not "holding it over her head" to discuss how you feel, how it hurts you, why she did it, and how your marriage will be different in the future. If in 2 years you need to discuss details again, you need to be able to discuss it. It's being real and honest about your feelings. Holding it over her head would be if you threw it in her face during an unrelated disagreement.
Your wife needs to figure out why she allowed an affair, otherwise it could happen again. You are 50% responsible for the marital state, but she's 100% responsible for the affair. That was her choice. Don't take on any blame for her poor choices. I'd recommend finding a good marital counselor to help you through this, but get recommendations. There are really bad MC out there too.
Good luck and be prepared for a long road. It's not easy to recover and the affects are long lasting. Your marriage will never be the same, but it doesn't mean that is a bad thing. Just know it will be different.
It's been less than a day though and I've found myself crying while my kids are napping, although I'm not sure why. I want to talk it to death with her, but I'm afraid I'll alienate her if I keep bringing it up over and over and over again. I told her last night that once we were done with the conversation, I would not bring it up again, and instead, just concentrate on moving on and fixing things.
I guess I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. I love her and I think she's sorry and loves me. (I really do) Should I just shut up and see what happens from here? The only demands I've made of her is for her to remove him from her Facebook friends list, and to send him an email telling him not to call or write ever again. I just asked her that this afternoon. We met at the hospital for lunch before she went to work. She hasn't removed him yet, but it's very possible she's busy at work. I'll reiterate that tonight when she gets home if it hasn't been done by then. Also, I didn't know about the "No Contact Letter" when I talked to her. I have it pasted into MS Word and I will ask her to read it, copy it into an email to him and send it to him tonight.
You are doing well, but you should realize that your promising her that you will never bring this up again is just unrealistic and unwise.
First of all, you do not know if this is the only indiscretion during her M. Also, you do not know that despite your deducing from emails, you still are not sure if she has not minimized the whole story. Demand the full extent of every little details and personally I would demand polygraph to prove her story being genuine
Secondly, you have to make her face some kind of consequence to her action, otherwise how do you know she won't do this again? I know you want to believe she has enough sense in her never to do this again. But, then again, if she had, she wouldn't have done this in the first place, no? In other words, you cannot trust her. You have genuine ground for suspicion over her characters over all. At this point, you really do not know who you are dealing with. To make sure she won't do this again is giving her some kind of consequences. Letting her get away with not much repercussion out of your love and fear of losing her is the worst thing you can do in this situation.
Also, you have to worry about your sanity. Do not make commitment to something you cannot keep. Right now, she is at the weakest position where she just has been found to have A, but if you make a promise now and revert on it later on, it can make you look bad and she can use that to her advantage. You must demand all the sordid truth of what happened here. You may feel like you don't want to know now, but trust me, this is for your long term benefit. If there is anything hidden from you, you mind will eventually turn obsessive toward them. You have to demand her to reveal all the truth and tell her you may want to talk about this A for some time in order to heal your heart.
If she resists cooperation, you can even vaguely hint the threat of exposing to others for "help" instead. I state again, you must make her pay for her teachery. This does not mean any kind of abuse, but she must be made to do the "heavy lifting" to come to feel the true repercussion of what she has done, and it will help her remember this experience as a true lesson to keep herself safeguard against any future temptation.
As our conversation went on, she seemed to say all the right things. She apologized multiple times and told me that there had never been any physical contact between them. I want to believe her...we'll see. The emails seemed to indicate it was all via phone and computer...
...She also said it's never happened before or since.... I also saw a Facebook message to her from him in August where he said he had been following our daughter's progress online via my wife's status updates, that he was praying for her (our daughter), that he always thinks about her (my wife) and that if there was anything he could do, to please let him know...
...I want to talk it to death with her, but I'm afraid I'll alienate her if I keep bringing it up over and over and over again. I told her last night that once we were done with the conversation, I would not bring it up again, and instead, just concentrate on moving on and fixing things.
IThank you.
I found out about my wife's emotional affair (EA) the exact same way you did. Only hers was more recent to the day I saw it. See the bolded section above. DO NOT DO THIS. Tell her the exact opposite, that you will need to hash this out, probably many times. I made this same mistake about saying, "Well, that's all I need to say." You will come up with more questions for several weeks. Keep asking them. Tell your wife you will keep asking them. DONT let her off the hook.
And I agree with the posters talking about Trickle Truth. I was lucky. The email I saw actually discussed how they had not gone physical, but longed for the day they could (like, after we got divorced). But most of them have.
The fact he is still checking up on your family, claiming he cares, etc, is exactly what my wife's OM wanted to do. I put a stop to it immediately, and it was one of the best moves I ever made. Confront him, tell him to buzz off. Tell your W you are doing this. It's sick that he would talk about your daughter like that after what he has said to your wife.
I just got off the phone w/my wife. She was asking me how I was doing. I was honest and told her I had been crying off and on but that I was doing "okay" and was trying to sort through everything.
She asked if I still had questions and I asked that even if they didn't get physical, had they met in person since I told her I knew he lived nearby. She seemed irritated that I had "been playing private detective". I clicked on the other guy's wife on facebook and saw where they lived. She asked my to please stop torturing myself by snooping around and that if I had any questions I could ask her.
She told me again that "it was just words" and that there "were no feelings behind them". Then she asked, "Do you feel like I've cheated on you?" And I said, "YES, of course you cheated on me!" Not yelling, but in a tone that let her know I felt very strongly about that.
In all honesty, she seemed surprised that I felt that way. She did remove him from Facebook (confirmed). And I am going to go over the Do Not Contact letter with her when she comes home tonight.
All in all, she still seems sorry but she's getting defensive, which honestly, I understand. She told me that if I need to be mad or hurt or go through my feelings, that's fine and that we can talk about it anytime. Pretty much what I expected but I hate the defensiveness because I do want to talk about things but I don't want to set up a hostile environment (warranted or not).
You don't seem to have such a strong assertive position with your W. So, I guess demanding polygraph is out of question, then. Well, the least you have to do is find a good MC to help you thru this. I am actually aghast at her thinking this is not "cheating". A 3rd opinion such as that of MC may help her realize the ramification of her act.
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Devistated by Wife's Emotional Affair 
Re: Devistated by Wife's Emotional Affair 
