Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend
I agree with posters that there is probably more to the story. When cheaters are first discovered, they lie. I'm sure there is a small percentage that spill the whole truth right away, but her story does not sound like the whole truth.
On d-day, after the OWH revealed to me our spouses affair, my H still tried to downplay the severity. "It wasn't as sordid as it sounds" he said. At that point I thought it was only an EA, but then he finally confessed to physical portion. Turns out getting a hotel room to screw around for several hours is pretty sordid.
Prior to d-day, I never in a million years would've thought my husband capable of cheating. He never thought he'd be "that guy" either. He said when he was busted, his first instinct was self-preservation. He didn't want to loose me, so at first he said everything to try and diminish the affair. He lied through his teeth while looking me in the eye, whatever it took to downplay. It wasn't until he thought I had solid proof did he confess.
So keep digging. Odds are there is more that you don't know about. Your wife was comfortable enough to make out with "your friend" with you sleeping nearby, this is strong familiarity. Usually first time cheaters take extra precausion to make sure they don't get caught. Working out of town, hotel room, different city, during work hours, while spouse is gone.... these are more typical "first time" scenarios. This is usually how the PA portion of the affair gets started, the cheater can compartmentalize and keep the affair separate from "real life". When it's been going on for a while, cheaters get sloppy. They're bold enough to think they won't get caught, because they haven't in the past.
It seems your wife and the OM are saying it was an impulsive act, a one time mistake. If that is the case, and not sloppy long term affair arrogance, they had very strong feelings and desire for each other. Stong enough to let it overcome their common sense about the time and situation. Strong enough to overcome moral and ethical boundaries they valued. I don't care how drunk you are, you don't make out with someone else when you are in a committed relationship. If you do, you're only using the alcohol as an excuse to do what you really want.
Either scenario is not good. If it was impulsive, why did she have such strong feelings for him? Has she been talking to him "helping" him get through his divorce? Do they discuss their marital problems together? These are HUGE red flags if that's the case. Comisserating over their "bad" marriages is a way many affairs get started. Problem is, the marriages aren't usually bad, just typical marital strife or stagnant.
Do your research. Check cell records, her sent emails, put on a key logger. If she's remorseful, she will do anything and everything to build back trust. There will be no defensiveness, no blameshifting, no gaslighting. If you have any of these responses to the situation.... she's hiding something.
Getting over any kind of betrayal is hard. We just want to make sure that if you put in the time to move forward, that it is a true recovery. So many have been burned by the fact their cheating spouse was in false recovery, which typically turns out to mean their spouse never ended the affair. It just went underground.
Good luck and I hope you don't feel like any of this is a slam on you. We're just trying to make sure that you, the betrayed spouse, have your eyes wide open. Be prepared for the worse case scenario, so you can be relieved if it's not. If you're prepared for the best case scenario, you'll be doubly devastated if it's not.
Last edited by Saffron; 10-13-2011 at 10:29 AM.