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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-13-2011, 09:11 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

And she's a SAHM.

And you help with the housework cos she's just too busy all day.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:12 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
Let me take a wild guess.

She's so very attractive and friendly to people, and she's a great mom and wife. You've been so caught up in your work, busting your butt to earn a good living for your family that you feel you've neglected her. So you feel that you haven't been as good a husband as you should have. To top it off, she suffers from bouts of depression (or bi polar disorder or some other mental illness), so this thing was not her fault at all.

Am I close?


Perfect.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:13 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

burnt, the responses may be worrisome to you, as you are new to cheating. Around here, we deal with it on a daily basis. We've been offering advice to betrayed husbands for years and years. And the stories are almost always the same. Waywards follow a script. We could give you sentences and almost guarantee they have come out of your wife or him.

And nearly every single betrayed husband who comes here says that HIS situation is different.

Until he reallizes it isn't.

That's not a dis on you; it's reality.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:24 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
Let me take a wild guess.

She's so very attractive and friendly to people, and she's a great mom and wife. You've been so caught up in your work, busting your butt to earn a good living for your family that you feel you've neglected her. So you feel that you haven't been as good a husband as you should have. To top it off, she suffers from bouts of depression (or bi polar disorder or some other mental illness), so this thing was not her fault at all.

Am I close?
not even close..

the part I left out is that this happened at our vacation home, the so called friend also has a vacation home 2 doors down from us and we only see him when we are there, with the whole family so there is little to no time for anything to happen without me around. Yes, things could happen outside of this but we're both home bodies and basically only go out together, or with friends.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:32 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

burnt: appreciating your information, what part of what lordmayhem said isn't true? you are seriously around your wife 24 x 7 x 365?

i would agree with what everyone else said. the fact she was paying extra attention to this person before u went to bed says alot. if this didn't happen prior, you wife has a cheatin' heart.

grow a pair, listen to what these folks are trying to tell you. more than 95% of the situations here run a distinct pattern. please don't assume your wife is in the exceptional 5%. you will find that out later, if it is truly the case.

or, you can just ignore what everyone is saying, and be coming back in several months, or even several years saying "she's gone an dun it again!" or "she's really dun what ya'll said she was. I wus a fool!"
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:32 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Key-logger and VAR if nobody mentioned it yet. Odds are she will be talking to her friends or the OM about this and may spill more info.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:36 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

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Originally Posted by burnt View Post
not even close..

the part I left out is that this happened at our vacation home, the so called friend also has a vacation home 2 doors down from us and we only see him when we are there, with the whole family so there is little to no time for anything to happen without me around. Yes, things could happen outside of this but we're both home bodies and basically only go out together, or with friends.
So...she's NOT attractive and friendly? She's NOT a great mom and wife?

As for neglecting her, do you even know? Do you have routine conversations about your marriage? Do you ask her what if anything she's been missing or wanting? If she's living the life she expected/wanted? If she feels tied down to the kids some times?

You seem to be thinking that she's 100% happy with you and she simply got drunk, saw a guy she knew, and wanted to kiss someone and there he was.

That's a dangerous assumption.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:40 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

burnt, you're getting defensive with us and I just want you to know that this is normal. Typically, when a betrayed husband comes here, it's with the certainty that this was just an aberration, that he KNOWS his wife and she would never willingly do such a thing, and there must be a valid explanation. For some reason, the men have a harder time accepting that the wife could cheat.

So just know that we're not trying to beat you down; you don't have to get defensive. We're trying to show you what is the usual backstory, in at least 80% - 90% of the cases. So that you can protect yourself and not waste VALUABLE time (while she hides the evidence) defending her and denouncing us. Just listen, consider snooping to see if we are off base and, if you find nothing else, chalk it up to a random drunk night and move on. But if you DO find something (phone, computer, etc.), then we can help you nip this in the bud so you can still save your marriage.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:48 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

whoa whoa whoa, this is going from helpful to laughable.

Looking at many a post count here, I understand there have been many similar circumstances that end up with the same results. I'm not saying my situation won't end up as some of you have predicted but some of the assumptions and allegations are down right hilarious, ...a couple are spot on.

Trust me, I have the resources, and I will have all the information I need on what has/has not happened.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:56 AM   #55 (permalink)
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whoa whoa whoa, this is going from helpful to laughable.

Looking at many a post count here, I understand there have been many similar circumstances that end up with the same results. I'm not saying my situation won't end up as some of you have predicted but some of the assumptions and allegations are down right hilarious, ...a couple are spot on.

Trust me, I have the resources, and I will have all the information I need on what has/has not happened.
Not exactly laughable. Problem is we've seen too many times where people come on here and swear that their spouses would NEVER cheat on them and they're only caught up with a EA. Only to come back and say, "I can't believe he/she cheated on me!"

We're just trying to look out for your best interests. That's all. So, what resources do you have? What do you plan to do? How is your wife behaving?
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Old 10-13-2011, 10:08 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

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not even close..

the part I left out is that this happened at our vacation home, the so called friend also has a vacation home 2 doors down from us and we only see him when we are there, with the whole family so there is little to no time for anything to happen without me around. Yes, things could happen outside of this but we're both home bodies and basically only go out together, or with friends.
So this guy is kinda random and yet she felt free to do this. OMG. So I would be very concerned about her boundaries with other men in general. There seems to be none.

So exactly what is her life style? She works? Does she go out without you drinking? Does she have any other close male friends?

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-13-2011 at 10:26 AM.
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Old 10-13-2011, 10:16 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

What people are trying to help you understand burnt is that you have found a malignancy in your marriage.

It is exactly that. This is NOT a fever, virus, or rash which will clear up. This is a cancer.

The fact that this happened and the manner in which it took place are a CLEAR diagnosis of a "life threatening" marital illness. That's not being dramatic, It's exactly what I say. This is "life" threatening. If not treated aggressively, and irradicated beyond any shadow of any doubt, life as you know it now will end.

That fact that you may (or may not?) have caught this quickly may give your marraige a chance at full recovery. Even then, you need to examine your life style and what may have caused this. You'll want to make changes in your marital life and watch it's health more closely You have to insure that this 'cancer' doesnt come back or spread.

It really is that serious.
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Old 10-13-2011, 10:17 AM   #58 (permalink)
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And nearly every single betrayed husband who comes here says that HIS situation is different.

Until he reallizes it isn't.
Let me give it a go:

"Hi. I've been reading this site for awhile and just decided to join to share my story since you all sound like you have some good advice. My story is unique so bear with me. And I apologize for the length of my post..."

And then the following is some variation of...

"My wife/husband and I have been married for X years. Things were always great and (fill in the blank). I've never had any reason not to trust her/him. So you can imagine my shock when I discovered she/he was cheating on me. This is so out of character for her/him! I confronted about it and she/he said this is the first and only time this has happened. I believe her/him because I am always around and they don't have the time to cheat on me. I don't want to push her/him away further by doing the wrong thing or bringing this up more than necessary. What do I do now?"

Ok, back to our regular programming...
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Old 10-13-2011, 10:21 AM   #59 (permalink)
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I agree with posters that there is probably more to the story. When cheaters are first discovered, they lie. I'm sure there is a small percentage that spill the whole truth right away, but her story does not sound like the whole truth.

On d-day, after the OWH revealed to me our spouses affair, my H still tried to downplay the severity. "It wasn't as sordid as it sounds" he said. At that point I thought it was only an EA, but then he finally confessed to physical portion. Turns out getting a hotel room to screw around for several hours is pretty sordid.

Prior to d-day, I never in a million years would've thought my husband capable of cheating. He never thought he'd be "that guy" either. He said when he was busted, his first instinct was self-preservation. He didn't want to loose me, so at first he said everything to try and diminish the affair. He lied through his teeth while looking me in the eye, whatever it took to downplay. It wasn't until he thought I had solid proof did he confess.

So keep digging. Odds are there is more that you don't know about. Your wife was comfortable enough to make out with "your friend" with you sleeping nearby, this is strong familiarity. Usually first time cheaters take extra precausion to make sure they don't get caught. Working out of town, hotel room, different city, during work hours, while spouse is gone.... these are more typical "first time" scenarios. This is usually how the PA portion of the affair gets started, the cheater can compartmentalize and keep the affair separate from "real life". When it's been going on for a while, cheaters get sloppy. They're bold enough to think they won't get caught, because they haven't in the past.

It seems your wife and the OM are saying it was an impulsive act, a one time mistake. If that is the case, and not sloppy long term affair arrogance, they had very strong feelings and desire for each other. Stong enough to let it overcome their common sense about the time and situation. Strong enough to overcome moral and ethical boundaries they valued. I don't care how drunk you are, you don't make out with someone else when you are in a committed relationship. If you do, you're only using the alcohol as an excuse to do what you really want.

Either scenario is not good. If it was impulsive, why did she have such strong feelings for him? Has she been talking to him "helping" him get through his divorce? Do they discuss their marital problems together? These are HUGE red flags if that's the case. Comisserating over their "bad" marriages is a way many affairs get started. Problem is, the marriages aren't usually bad, just typical marital strife or stagnant.

Do your research. Check cell records, her sent emails, put on a key logger. If she's remorseful, she will do anything and everything to build back trust. There will be no defensiveness, no blameshifting, no gaslighting. If you have any of these responses to the situation.... she's hiding something.

Getting over any kind of betrayal is hard. We just want to make sure that if you put in the time to move forward, that it is a true recovery. So many have been burned by the fact their cheating spouse was in false recovery, which typically turns out to mean their spouse never ended the affair. It just went underground.

Good luck and I hope you don't feel like any of this is a slam on you. We're just trying to make sure that you, the betrayed spouse, have your eyes wide open. Be prepared for the worse case scenario, so you can be relieved if it's not. If you're prepared for the best case scenario, you'll be doubly devastated if it's not.

Last edited by Saffron; 10-13-2011 at 10:29 AM.
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Old 10-13-2011, 10:22 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Ok, re-reading your original post last night this part stuck out at me (but I am too lazy to type on my phone sometimes because 1. it's annoying and 2. I make too many typos):

Quote:
Originally Posted by burnt View Post
I just wanted to go to bed, but she, nor my friend did so they stayed up. Being a trusty person by nature, I went to bed....but then couldn't help but think something was going on, I looked outside and saw both of them kissing/groping each other.
Please tell us WHY you "couldn't help but think something was going on."

Explain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by burnt View Post
friend is married, but going through initial stages of divorce.
AND we have a winner, guys! You have to wonder WHY the divorce is going on now. Could it in any way be related to an affair he was having wtih your wife???

Even if they are divorcing, this woman has a right to know about her husband and your wife. You need to expose this to her. She may be able to fill in a lot of blanks for you. And I now some folks are telling you NOT to confront the
a-hole but I would. I would let him come over or meet in a public place so he can start talking. Give him enough rope to hang himself. He will, more than likely, tell you a LOT of stuff you had no idea about. All you have to do is say "Hey I was really upset the other day when I found you and my wife together and I know you wanted to talk but I wasn't ready yet. Let's meet to talk." When you do, like I said, give him enough rope... Tell him "Ok so start from the beginning. Tell me when all this started happening between you guys. I have spoken to my wife already so I want to hear from you."

Be calm when you do this. Let him walk into his own grave.



How long have you known him for?
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