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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-14-2011, 09:43 AM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Forget what the therapist told her. Did she tell you why SHE did it?
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:30 AM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Burnt, it sounds like you are doing the right things so far. If I am you I would do the following (and I'm sure most will agree).

1) you have to tell the OMs wife. He is still married - until they are totally divorced she needs to know, especially if they are considering reconciliation, which many do

2) Don't tell her that you will drop this, ever. Not saying you need to badger her all the time, but avoid telling her that once she gets this all out with the counselor that you can go back to your normal lives. That would be rug sweeping.

3) Make sure you go to counseling with her. Saying this is "her issue" may be true in the sense that she did this, but it now very greatly affects you, and you need to be a part of the solution, or it will just happen again.

4) Monitor her. Email/facebook/texts/phone records. Do this for a long time, months, if not years. Since she agreed to the polygraph, maybe you take her up on it (I'm not big on polygraphs), but that only addresses the past, not the future.

5) You both need to send the OM a joint letter/email/whatever saying that he should never contact either of you again, in any forum or medium. Tell him firmly that he is no longer either of your friends, and is no longer welcome in your lives. Write it when you are calm. Then you both sign it, and send. From there, ignore all his attempts to communicate with you. No responses at all.
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:31 AM   #93 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Insecurity does horrible things to a person's moral compass and pysche. My H's insecurity was a huge culprit in his two affairs. He wasn't a big hit with the ladies in his younger years, so he ended up being a sucker for the two times during our marriage attractive women expressed interest. Fed his ego and he slipped down that slippery slope. He fully admits, if he had been hit on more often by attractive woman, the flattery alone would've been enough to get him to respond in some way. Maybe not more full blown affairs, but maybe a random make out session like your wife.

I'm sure you'll both make sure your wife deals with her insecurity issue. It's taken us 15 years to realize my husband had this issue and we're finally dealing with it two affairs later. If he hadn't been busted with the most recent affair, he agrees, he would've cheated again. I hope it was the first time your wife gave in to the ego boost, it's a strong possibility, but do your research. Better to tackle this issue now than a decade down the road, good luck!

Side note, our MC recommends doing IC together in MC. She said it seems to "stick" more if you're both present for accountability. So in our sessions, we both get equal time discussing personal issues. It's not so much marriage counseling as a joint IC session. Our MC's goal is not really to "save our marriage", but to make us better people which may or may not result in a better marriage. Works for us, but might not work for you . . . just a suggestion!
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Old 10-14-2011, 11:33 AM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
Burnt, it sounds like you are doing the right things so far. If I am you I would do the following (and I'm sure most will agree).

1) you have to tell the OMs wife. He is still married - until they are totally divorced she needs to know, especially if they are considering reconciliation, which many do

2) Don't tell her that you will drop this, ever. Not saying you need to badger her all the time, but avoid telling her that once she gets this all out with the counselor that you can go back to your normal lives. That would be rug sweeping.

3) Make sure you go to counseling with her. Saying this is "her issue" may be true in the sense that she did this, but it now very greatly affects you, and you need to be a part of the solution, or it will just happen again.

4) Monitor her. Email/facebook/texts/phone records. Do this for a long time, months, if not years. Since she agreed to the polygraph, maybe you take her up on it (I'm not big on polygraphs), but that only addresses the past, not the future.

5) You both need to send the OM a joint letter/email/whatever saying that he should never contact either of you again, in any forum or medium. Tell him firmly that he is no longer either of your friends, and is no longer welcome in your lives. Write it when you are calm. Then you both sign it, and send. From there, ignore all his attempts to communicate with you. No responses at all.
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Old 10-14-2011, 11:35 AM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Insecurities may be a motivator for folks. That said, it is acting on those that is the problem. Any cheater can say that they were looking for validation from someone other than thier spouse. That is not an excuse for sure. It may or may not be factual. Ooops. I was looking for validation because I was insecure. My bad.

But it is what it is. So one should work in parallel on the relationship. No rug sweeping and continued investogstion and vigilence.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-14-2011 at 11:47 AM.
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Old 10-14-2011, 01:18 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

OK so she had a need, and wanted a quick fix---so she let another man, put his tongue in her mouth, and his hands all over her, while you watched, and the kids were inside

What does she use for brains----she couldn't go to you and say---hey I need more from you???

In stead because of what you saw---your trust is gone, your peace of mind is gone, and your carefree life is over---I don't care how you 2 work it out---what you saw ain't goin away, any time soon

Once again, what is she doing, to try, and make this right, not that she ever will be able to do so

What does she say, when confronted of the fact that she knew she was ripping apart the lives, of her kids, and you her H.
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Old 10-14-2011, 01:43 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

Agreed to a polygraph? And if she fails it, she can always say: "Well, you forced me to do it against my will and I was so humiliated, of course I was nervous..."
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Old 10-14-2011, 01:52 PM   #98 (permalink)
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I don't buy the whol e"Oh she was fat before so now she wants validation." Please. That is such a crock of sh!t answer/response to her cheating.

She cheated on you for one reason alone: BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO.

And until she owns that, I wouldn't let any of her little "Oh well I'm insecure/I was intoxicated/I can't remember/blahblahblah" excuses fly.

You said your wife and your friend were being flirtatious. That is not good. Think back on their history. Were they ever flirty before this night? The fact they could do this AT YOUR HOME shows absolutely ZERO Respect for you. Sorry I sound so angry today. LOL.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:08 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Saw Wife Cheating with my friend

quick poll here : what does everyone here do for a living ? I'm curious and I'll tell you why after you answer the question.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:10 PM   #100 (permalink)
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I don't buy the whol e"Oh she was fat before so now she wants validation." Please. That is such a crock of sh!t answer/response to her cheating.

She cheated on you for one reason alone: BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO.

And until she owns that, I wouldn't let any of her little "Oh well I'm insecure/I was intoxicated/I can't remember/blahblahblah" excuses fly.

You said your wife and your friend were being flirtatious. That is not good. Think back on their history. Were they ever flirty before this night? The fact they could do this AT YOUR HOME shows absolutely ZERO Respect for you. Sorry I sound so angry today. LOL.

Beans is right on the money here...however encouraging her response to the poly or her wanting to go to counseling sounds..I am only seeing blame shifting.

Please...you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone that was a little chubby as a kid and has some insecurities. These are not reasons..they are excuses for horrible, disrespectful behavior.

Put yourself on high alert..I suspect much more to unfold from this.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:12 PM   #101 (permalink)
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Quote:
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quick poll here : what does everyone here do for a living ? I'm curious and I'll tell you why after you answer the question.
I do this..exactly what I am doing now. I try and help victims that are going through stuff like this.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:14 PM   #102 (permalink)
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quick poll here : what does everyone here do for a living ? I'm curious and I'll tell you why after you answer the question.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:17 PM   #103 (permalink)
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I do this..exactly what I am doing now. I try and help victims that are going through stuff like this.
really, this is your day job?
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:20 PM   #104 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
I don't buy the whol e"Oh she was fat before so now she wants validation." Please. That is such a crock of sh!t answer/response to her cheating.

She cheated on you for one reason alone: BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO.

And until she owns that, I wouldn't let any of her little "Oh well I'm insecure/I was intoxicated/I can't remember/blahblahblah" excuses fly.

You said your wife and your friend were being flirtatious. That is not good. Think back on their history. Were they ever flirty before this night? The fact they could do this AT YOUR HOME shows absolutely ZERO Respect for you. Sorry I sound so angry today. LOL.
I think you're half right here- while I completely recognize that in no way shape or form that she should be using this as an excuse, it is still very important to communicate her reasoning and thought process
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:20 PM   #105 (permalink)
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I am an engineer. Work a lot from home these days. I am working pretty much a double shift right now and swing my chair around to my personal system while I am waiting for something to boot up or to compile. If I was not working so many hours I would not be posting so much. It has to do with the project I am on.

I liken much of what I see to the byzantine generals problem.
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