In shock!!!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-13-2011, 05:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default In shock!!!

Hello everyone. This is my first post and im sure there will be more. Im sure that my story is similar to most so i will keep it short as possible. About a month ago i found some texts on my wifes phone. I maybe couldve handled it differently but not at that time. So about a week later she moved out with all her belongings. She told me that i depresse her when she is around me and that of course she is unhappy. So since she has been gone i have found alot more stuff. I was able to get access to her facebook and found that she had been talking to a coworker of hers. Yes the same one from the texts but she lied to me about who the texts were. It was some nasty stuff on her facebook and that hurt really bad. So im not sure what to do anymore. She is in that fog and will not listen to anyone. When this first started i told myself i wouldnt give up on our family. We have three beautiful daughters. But as time goes on the more i adjust.

I found out that her coworker is married as well and he left his wife about a week prior to my wife leaving me. So that had some kind of a set up going there. I just cant believe how two people could doe this. My biggest question is how long could this relationship last. I mean they have to be the dumbest people. They are coworkers and then they spend all weekend together while i sit here and watch our kids. That is fine though cause i would rather spend time with my kids. My mom had talked to her recently and she opened up to her abit saying that she just felt useless and didnt feel like anybody. I think that this guy came in at just the right time when my wife was going through this depression. Told her a bunch of crap.

Ive always thought that i was a decent husband. I go to work everyday, cook, clean, laundry, change diapers, give my wife attention, i even give her foot massages. I dont know. I guess my biggest question is how long could this relationship last between them. I wouldnt think very long. Well any advice would be appreciated. I thank you all and god bless.
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Old 10-13-2011, 05:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

I am so very sorry. Sadly I know exactly how you feel.

Have you heard of the 180? If she comes out of her fog and truly wants to reconcile, will you want to? Have you looked into IC? Whether you're a good husband or not has nothing to do with it. She chose to cheat. If you want to work on your marriage with her after what she's done, then do the 180 and see if she comes out of the fog and does what she needs to do. You don't need to make any decisions right now.
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Old 10-13-2011, 05:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by donie View Post
About a month ago i found some texts on my wifes phone. I maybe couldve handled it differently but not at that time. So about a week later she moved out with all her belongings.
Please elaborate on what you found on the phone, on Fcebook and what you did about "handling it" and more about when/why she moved out. Seems you left a lot out in those three sentences.

You NEED to tell the guy's wife about this. Absolutely. Do it without telling your wife or the other man beforehand.

CLick on my "exposure letter" thing at the bottom of this and go to the 1st page of that thread for the exposure. if you can find his wife on Facebook, awesome--tell her.

Re: how long can they last? They could last a long time, they could last for no time. There is no way to tell.

The one thing you should do is NOT beg/plead/cry for her to come home. AT ALL. It will make her lose more respect for you if she sees you as a sulky desperate man who can't live w/o her (no woman likes a guy who seems desperate).

But please fill us in on the other stuff so we can help you/advise better.
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Old 10-13-2011, 05:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by donie View Post
Hello everyone. This is my first post and im sure there will be more. Im sure that my story is similar to most so i will keep it short as possible. About a month ago i found some texts on my wifes phone. I maybe couldve handled it differently but not at that time. So about a week later she moved out with all her belongings. She told me that i depresse her when she is around me and that of course she is unhappy. So since she has been gone i have found alot more stuff. I was able to get access to her facebook and found that she had been talking to a coworker of hers. Yes the same one from the texts but she lied to me about who the texts were. It was some nasty stuff on her facebook and that hurt really bad. So im not sure what to do anymore. She is in that fog and will not listen to anyone. When this first started i told myself i wouldnt give up on our family. We have three beautiful daughters. But as time goes on the more i adjust.

I found out that her coworker is married as well and he left his wife about a week prior to my wife leaving me. So that had some kind of a set up going there. I just cant believe how two people could doe this. My biggest question is how long could this relationship last. I mean they have to be the dumbest people. They are coworkers and then they spend all weekend together while i sit here and watch our kids. That is fine though cause i would rather spend time with my kids. My mom had talked to her recently and she opened up to her abit saying that she just felt useless and didnt feel like anybody. I think that this guy came in at just the right time when my wife was going through this depression. Told her a bunch of crap.

Ive always thought that i was a decent husband. I go to work everyday, cook, clean, laundry, change diapers, give my wife attention, i even give her foot massages. I dont know. I guess my biggest question is how long could this relationship last between them. I wouldnt think very long. Well any advice would be appreciated. I thank you all and god bless.
You are a Nice Guy.

How much time do you guys spend together? How has your sex life been?
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Old 10-13-2011, 05:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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They both chose their fantasy life over reality. You did nothing wrong that I can see from what you posted. My wife did nothing wrong and I had an EA which she learned about via my phone as well. I immediately made my decision to stay with her, and not pursue a fantasy.

Depression can open doors for others.
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Old 10-13-2011, 05:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Shouldn't the real question be "what do you want"? Who cares how long her relationship lasts, if you no longer want to be married to her? You need to put yourself in the drivers seat.

In answer to your question though, who knows? It could be over quickly, or they could grow old together. Most affair couples don't last, from the research I've seen. Reality is not a friend to the relationship. And there's an expression... If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you. Gender non specific, of course...

My advice... Decide what you want to do, and start making steps towards that goal. If you post that goal here, you may get some useful advice.

C
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Old 10-13-2011, 05:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Ok. I do not know what the 180 is. Im not sure if i would want to reconcile or not. I guess it depends on what i am feeling when/if she does come back around. On her phone the texts were i love you and i love you too. Calling each other boyfriend girlfriend. It is kinda hard for me to remember exactly what the texts were cause i was still halfway asleep. I just seen that and kinda lost it. I went in the room cause she was sleeping threw the phone down and began cussing her out i guess. I lost it for a minute dont remember much. Then went to work. The facebook i could only read a couple and it hurt to bad to read anymore. They were still calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Than he said that he was horny and yada yada. Then she replied what would you like me to do about it. One other one was he asked her why she didnt want to **** him in some room while they were at work. It is kinda childesh i suppose. I know i left alot out but there is just so much. As far as begging and that. At first i was but lately i really havent contacted her. She has tried contacting me a couple times but i never reply back. I kinda figured if i do that then maybe she will start to miss me. Not if that is a good idea or not.
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Old 10-13-2011, 06:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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We do not get to spend alot of time together. Im sure that may have been a factor as well. Our sex life was wonderful. Everything was wonderful i thought until i found the texts. So i dont know. I agree PBear. I just have so many mixed emotions right now that i dont know if i should give some more time to clear my head. She has not shown any kind of sign that she even wants to come home.
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Old 10-13-2011, 06:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
And there's an expression... If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you. Gender non specific, of course...
Nice save
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Old 10-13-2011, 06:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Click on the links "Just Let Them Go" and "The 180 degrees rules" below, read them, and implement them. They are designed to help you become emotionally stronger so that you can move on with your life with or without your wife.

As a survivor of marital betrayal, I can tell you that YOU WILL MAKE IT. Bank on it.
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Old 10-13-2011, 06:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HerToo View Post
They both chose their fantasy life over reality. You did nothing wrong that I can see from what you posted. My wife did nothing wrong and I had an EA which she learned about via my phone as well. I immediately made my decision to stay with her, and not pursue a fantasy.

Depression can open doors for others.
I understand about both living a fantasy, the thing about the loyal spouse though, now matter how much of a "nice guy" world they live in, it atleast involves a version of their actual spouse.
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Old 10-13-2011, 07:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

1. You need to get checked for STD's
2. You need to contact the OM's wife and compare notes
3. You need to contact an attorney immediately
4. You need to file for full custody of the children and divorce.
5. Your wife has abandoned your marriage and family to live with her lover. Tell this to your attorney immediately.
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Old 10-13-2011, 08:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

Listen to Bryan, get tested. In fact tell her you are getting tested. Get the attorney, cut off all finances, bank accounts, credit cards. And file for divorce. Why? Two reasons. Once you file she can no longer incur debt in your name. The second reason is this will be a slap in her face. It says "I respect myself, and will not be made a cuckold". You also need to out the affair to all friends and family. Then you do the 180. You do not talk to her. You have some one be the intermediary, possibly a family member. Text her only for children, and financial reasons. You need to remove any support you give her. Anything less and she will keep you as second choice and for the bank account and baby sitter. While she is going heals up with the scumbag she's living with. Also you need to get a VAR voice activated recorder, and keep it on you when you have any conversations with her. The skank may call the cops on you and get an RO put out on you. Once you are neatly in jail or cannot come within 50' of her or the kids, she moves the POSOM in. Also take good notes of her coming and going with the kids. You may need it when custody comes up.

P.S. If you think that I am blowing smoke up your kilt. Go to Marriage builders. When you get there go down to "Surviving the Affair". When you get on the thread, look for PSUBIKER. Read his whole story and see what a wayward wife is capable of. You better get serious real quick, because she's got an exit plan, and it involves her with custody and you paying through the nose.

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 10-13-2011 at 08:48 PM.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: In shock!!!

You shouldn't be focusing solely on the sex life---mge., is made up of EVERYTHING, and it is hard-----

I don't know how long you were married, but as the mge., gets older, things become boring, same old, stale---and that is where the married partners, have to do what is necessary to spice things up, and keep things interesting

Your wife knows no REALITY, with her lover---she knows only whispered nothings, hot passion, infatuation, and the thrill of sneaking around and doing something illicit

When it comes time to pay bills, go thru emergencies, deal with problems, general living together, things will change real fast ---97 % of affair hook-ups FAIL

Do not go after her, do the 180, and do it strong---leave her alone---she will wake up soon enuff

One thing you do need to do---since she is still married to you, and owns part of everything, if she wants to maintain her fair share---she MUST pay her half of the mtg., the utilities, the upkeep for the kids, the insurances, all of them, the car payments----do not let her off the hook on any of it---if she won't pay then tell her you want that in writing so you can keep all of that property, as your seperate property---cut out joint credit cards, put bank acct. in your name only
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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