I can understand that remorse being a powerful factor in the aftermath of an affair but while it is essential for reconciliation to take place, it should not be the sole factor for it. What do I mean? Simply put, if you had not had the affair, would you still want to be married to your husband?
It sometimes seems that the sole reason why SOME unfaithful spouses, especially wives, want to reconciliate is that subconsciously they do not want to become the 'bad guy' who ended the marriage because of his/her affair. Not a valid reason, especially if the pre-affair issues were serious enough where the unfaithful spouse was considering divorce.
Maybe you need to seriously reflect on why you truly want to be married to your husband.
I have no issues answering questions just here to get insight as too what my BS is going through.
Well, what you have described is very normal behavior under the circumstances. When my ex-w cheated, I felt the way you have described your H (feeling sick, disgusted, repulsed, mental movies, etc., etc.) for months and months and months. It really only ended when we separated about a year later, because it wasn't in my face any longer, and we also decided that we were done trying to fix the marriage.
Marriages can recover from this, but it is unrealistic to expect the BS to be moving away from these kinds of feelings so quickly in the context of the fact pattern you have described. Before you can realistically get to the "working on the 50/50" part of things, the EA/PA need to be dealt with to a significant degree. I can tell you that at this point it's likely that he simply does not know whether he wants to continue with you or not -- he probably goes back and forth. And that could end up either way, regardless of MC (we were in MC, too). I think you need more time, to be honest.
I am the BS (betrayed spouce) my H had the affair. It lasted 10 months to my knowledge. We had problems prior to the affair, which in actuallity were of his doing. Porn addicted, hidding money, emotionally distant, lies, deciet...and I kept holding on hoping for him to change. He then went into a full blown affair....I also got trickel truth....I work out of state so it makes it all the harder on my end. Some days I want him and others I can only see the mind movies, pain, devistation, the hurtful things he told me during his affair and the list goes on...50/50 is what you think but really is that the truth???? Did your husband put up with lies and deciet prior to the affair??? It is very hard to go through being the betrayed...very hard. Right now my only saving grace is that I work out of town and don't have to see his face every day. I am going home in approximately a month for a week or two and don't know how I am going to handle it.....He will want sex and I don't know if I will or not...My H also is doing the actions thing going to church (not regularly), to IC (not regularly), calling me....he doesn't send me cards (real ones not over the net), nor have I recieved flowers which would help, because then I would know that he is thinking of me. Instead I tell him like I had to do in the past that these things matter, I asked him if he on his own has looked up about infidelity, and I get well no you send me enough stuff to read for the next thousand years...well does this sound like a man who is truly remorseful??? He still curses at me when he gets mad, he wanted his wedding ring back that I told him to take off when he was being so cruel to me....and that INFURIATED ME wanting the ring back...because the ring didn't stop him nor her from the affair, he wore it when he had his hands all over her private parts....he threatened to hang up on me when I told him this....does this sound like remorse....you see butterfly the devistation and damage is great....your husband feels betrayed and can't help himself....the mind movies are HORRIBLE.....You can either stay and be patient or go....you will have to live with the fact that you tore your husbands heart in two...and he will have to live with the fact that you did it.....both of you will in time heal I am sure...as in time I will...but will you do it together,as I wonder if I can bear it or not, that is the question? Stop being so dam selfish and get over yourself....let your husband have his feelings and deal with it...you are the one who broke your marriage vows...you are the one who has caused your husbands pain and grief...and you are the one who has to now deal with that fact or run like a dog with your tail between your legs and look for some other sucker to put up with your selfishness.....
I can understand that remorse being a powerful factor in the aftermath of an affair but while it is essential for reconciliation to take place, it should not be the sole factor for it. What do I mean? Simply put, if you had not had the affair, would you still want to be married to your husband?
It sometimes seems that the sole reason why SOME unfaithful spouses, especially wives, want to reconciliate is that subconsciously they do not want to become the 'bad guy' who ended the marriage because of his/her affair. Not a valid reason, especially if the pre-affair issues were serious enough where the unfaithful spouse was considering divorce.
Maybe you need to seriously reflect on why you truly want to be married to your husband.
This is a very great point! I think this gets overlooked quite a bit.
You seem to be making a big deal that you are still there for your H., still in the mge
Let me tell you the real truth------Your still there cuz your scared shi*less, of being dumped, and put out, as in D.
If your H. leaves you---you now would become a single , divorced mother of what is it, three kids---with the label of adulteress
That terrifies you, so of course you will do everything you can to stay in your mge.
If you are D.---you won't work one, you will probably work 2 jobs, if you can even find the extra one, just to hal-way make ends meet----you will still have to take care of the kids, and you will have to pay for EVERYTHING you do, and that happens, in your life---BY YOURSELF
Going a little further---I don't really know how good or bad your H., was/is, or how good/bad your mge. really was---but I promise you, that in your 30's there arn't too many guys out there w/out baggage----You arn't looking at a real good situation for finding a really good true man for a future partner, and if you are in a small population center, you arn't looking at finding much at all
For those reasons, and no other, you will do everything you can to keep your mge----so the question becomes WHY, are YOU sticking around
Please do not tell us how you loved/love your H---One who loves another does not commit him to a lifetime of visions, with other men inside the woman he loved, and took sacred vows with---you know those words you spoke with deep conviction on your wedding day---saying you would stick with your H, NO MATTER WHAT----remember those words?????
You love one person, that is yourself----
If for no other reason than what you have done to your own flesh and blood children, you need to suffer the consequences of your selfish action---for they are gonna suffer those consequences FOREVER-----
I suggest you back off, give your H. the space he needs, for needs space, stop your selfish blame-shifting about how terrible your mge., was----and really do some heavy lifting, to make it up to your H., and kids, for the nuclear winter you have reigned down on them
It takes 2 to 5 yrs. for your H., to reasonably get to a halfway decent place, he will never be carefree, have peace of mind, or trust again---these are your legacies to him, so you could have a little cheap sex, on the side, even while being warned you were walking into a minefield
You have no idea how bad your life will be if your H., decides to end his Mge. with you
I'm at the same point you're at as well, and I also was the one who had the EA/PA, it's a horrible place to be, but yet you're husband is suffering the worst pain ever, it takes a while for us to figure it out, it's taken me 7 months to realize the devestation this has caused our marriage. I can understand the anger your husband feels, as mine was in a rage for months. You see, your husband put you on this pedestal for years, and we destroyed it just like that.
It's a "waiting game" really, don't expect him to recover at a certain time, just watch for positive changes in the marriage, and continue to work through the issues that were present during the marriage.
Maybe one day I'll post my story.....but today I don't feel like getting slammed.
I'm still here...had a very productive weekend, several long talks and a few activities. (Even while In-laws were in town visiting)
H was able to talk with me and express more. I really think that there is a need to express everything we feel right now, good or bad. He agreed and was able to get some of the anger & hurt out even though it was directed at me, he did mention that he feels bad when doing this but I've reassured him that it's OK since I was the one who caused all the hurt and pain. We both were able to reassure each other that we are working for our marriage and neither of us want to be anywhere else. We talked as to why we still want be married to one another, which is very powerfull to feel the connection. But I understand that my words will not be trusted and over time my actions will speak louder.
We did talk more about respecting each other. We believe the "loss of respect" for one another is what began the breakdown of our marriage. We lost respect for one another then resentments started to grow and never got passed our issues, we kept then buried. We now know that anything felt has be talked or issues remain buried and resentments continue.
For those who asked, my H knows "every detail", he wanted it all described in detail from the begin to end. He still questions that I stop everything so fast, why it was so easy to say bye to it all, doesn't believe it's possible, because of other person situations and how they didn't, etc. The day I was caught I immediately stopped all contact but he keeps pushing for evidence that I've continued, that I'm living a secret life on the side. He's still trying to find extra phones or mileage on my car, etc. I've been an open book, changed habits to prove that there isn't anything else hiding. I've dropped all defenses because I know I have nothing to hide. That alone...me not getting defensive has really shown him that I'm living true to my word. But know it will take time for him to see and start trusting my actions and I realize the trust will never be like it was.
Thanks for the tough questions, statements and insight.
I know I lack patience and it's something I'll really trying to learn/fight. There is so much (negitive) of myself that I see today and truely want to change it. I no longer want to be the person I was yesterday, everyday there is something to learn and grow from that makes me a better person tomorrow.
I really think that there is a need to express everything we feel right now, good or bad. He agreed and was able to get some of the anger & hurt out even though it was directed at me, he did mention that he feels bad when doing this but I've reassured him that it's OK since I was the one who caused all the hurt and pain. We both were able to reassure each other that we are working for our marriage and neither of us want to be anywhere else. We talked as to why we still want be married to one another, which is very powerfull to feel the connection.
This is VERY important imo
click the My Story link in my signature- you'll see that very thing you describe on how to talk to each other was instrumental to my recovery, it's also important to note just how fragile my confidence was during that 6 month to a year period. In some ways I think I was worse than the months prior to it, It's a weird backlash that creeps up on you. It's akin to PTSD, after the dust settles you start relive it over and over again. It's important for you to understand this and recognize that about your husband.
He still questions that I stop everything so fast, why it was so easy to say bye to it all, doesn't believe it's possible, because of other person situations and how they didn't, etc.
Affairs tend to be very addicting and thus very hard to break. Your EA/PA was a full blown affair, so your husband's doubts and puzzlement that you could simply end it cold turkey with no emotional repercussions for yourself is very understandable. The only thing that could possibly make any sense would be if your affair was more to comfort the OM than to comfort yourself. Is this the case?
7 months is not a long time...Your husband could be battling these feelings for years to come. He is more than likely trying to figure out if he really wants to stay with you or not...The mind movies are something that will continue to haunt him, they are hard to shake. It is way too soon to expect him to be completely stable about what has happened.
This is the price Waywards pay after the affair is exposed...it's hard as hell to patch things up and move forward...takes a lot of time. This is why most don't even really attempt it...they see the road before them and don't believe they can make the journey.
Keep doing what your doing and don't expect miracles. A full recovery can take anywhere from 2-5 years...maybe longer in the worst cases.
He is right, I am 3 months out from D-day and can't even comprend that it will take 2-5 years or long to recover, if anything pisses me off that I have to even try to go through all that to get back a marriage that was broken because of an affair,.... it sucks!
Re: Fustrated WW....do I need more patience? 
