marta

We have been together for 12 yrs, married for 7. We have been very much in love with each other but both had an affair while just dating. We spent a lot of time in different countries because of work reasons (basically about 4-5 years total were long distance relationship). Also, we had a lot of financial problems, with me paying almost all the bills for the entire marriage. My husband is an artist and I am very proud of him. I happily invested my work in him but it was hard.
After he had the affair while we were engaged I had little trust in him and checked his email constantly. One day I noticed he changed his password and I became very very angry. I told him he can no longer count on me and intentionally started being interested in a co-worker who had a crush on me. This EA started a life of its own and grew rapidly but my husband found out about it before it turned into a PA. We were both crushed by this, we both suffered a lot and we decided to reconcile. My husband gave me all his love and trust and although the distance and the money problem continued, we were in love and happy. But I also kept the other man in my mind and could not be completely over my ER although I stopped communicating with him completely. This OM is a womanizer and I felt tricked by his flirting with me - I had this question in my mind whether he was genuine with me or not. Plus I has some fantasy about a possible PA affair with him. It all led to me initiating and maintaining this EA and PA with the OM for 6-7 mo, lying and deceiving my husband in a manner that I am very ashamed of. What amazes me is that at this point my husband was back home, got very successful in his work and was caring and loving. He is a wonderful man and great lover, sex was NEVER a problem with us.
My husband found out about this affair I had with the man he told m never to talk again. And of course his respect and love for me dramatically diminished. He tells me he has no love and no respect, that I fell from sky to earth for him. That he loved me immensely and I was his life and I destroyed him and his dreams. He wants to be friends but told me to make no hopes for reconciliation this time.
I feel terrible and I realize now what i lost. My wonderful wonderful husband but also my innocence, my old self, the girl who was good and pure and an angel for my husband. All because I could not get over an EA which started as a stupid revenge ....I feel stupid and conatminated, unworthy of my husband...but I want him back so much. I want OUR LOVE back, I want to reconstruct our beautiful and special love. Please help me with some advice. How can I get my husband back? his love and his trust?
The OM is like dead for me now -- although the first reason for the affair to stop was him being a womanizer, I don't care at all about this guy now. All the feelings for him that I took as love are gone and I feel they will never come back.
Thank you for your time and help!
PS: be tough with me, I know I deserve it.

marta

Reading my post I realize the timing may be confusing. The first EA with the OM happened 4yrs ago. I started the second EA and the PA in January this year. During the 4yr break I almost did not talk to him at all - just hello every once in a while...but I continued to think of him sometime, which was a stupid stupid mistake

Maia

Hi Marta,

In my opinion, if you have cheated on your husband it means that there was something wrong in your relationship. I think that a lot of people cheat as an escape way.
Maybe you wanted this to end? but were afraid of actually doing that?

You need to ask yourself, are you happy in your marriage? in life? probably not if you cheated.

There is noting that you can do now but to be honest. Move a head, and try to understand what made you cheat.

You should tell your husband how you feel.

I wish you all the best.

jnj express

What does your H., want of you

Are the 2 of you reconciling, and if so, what are you doing, in the way of the heavy lifting to get your H., back

You need to understand one thing, you need to stop calling your A., a mistake---it was never a mistake, it was a series of bad choices by you

You had to make decisions every step of the way---"my H., or the other man"---those decisions were not mistakes---YOU CHOSE YOUR LOVER OVER YOUR H.

It doesn't matter what you think of your lover now, it doesn't matter that you were nothing but sex to him---what matters is what your H., thinks, and how he is handling all of this

I suggest you go to all the websites, and find readings, about what the truly remorseful, contrite, SELFLESS, spouse does to win their partner back

Your H., looks at you, and sees your lover inside of you, this is what you are fighting, this is what you MUST, somehow defeat

You want him to see a woman, he loves---he probably will never love that woman again, cuz she is dead to him---so start over---treat this as if you were at the beginning, just starting to date/court


Court him, date him---send him flowers, cook meals for him, take him out and do the things he likes to do----try to hold him close when he is in pain, from the visions he has of you with your lover

Just go out of your way, to do anything to make your mge., work

marta

Thank you for your replies. I don't know exactly what my husband wnats. he says I destroyed everything and that things can never be the same again. When I beg him to reconcile he says we have 0.01% changes to do so. That what I did brings feelings that are no longer in our control. He tells me that he wants to move out soon, to start a new life with someone else who truly loves him... But other times he tells me he still feels tenderness for me and we had sex several times in the past two months since D-day. We looked at our old pictures and cried together....But now he's been away for 1-2 weeks and I am worried. We communicate (talk/write) every day and he told me that a girl is hitting on him and that he is attracted to her. This makes me so so worried....

nice_cheryl

Hi Marta,

You shouldn't despair, it's a very tough road ahead but I've seen marriages in a worst state recovering... and yes I've seen marriages with far less problems breaking up. But there are ways to recover a broken marriage, although it is a very narrow path. I can send you some useful links if you'd like. It's very hard but it's doable.

I agree with the other posters, this was not a mistake, even though it is probably easier for you to brand it as such. You had your own reasons to act the way you did - what were they? You did choose the lover over your husband repeatedly, how do you think it makes him feel knowing that.

There are causes that lead to cheating, but never excuses! Your decision to cheat on your husband because he changed his password on his e-mail/facebook/twitter/whatever is outright laughable - who would cheat over a thing like that. Right? You need to understand the real causes in order to ELIMINATE them. Even if it brings pain to single them out.
One of the biggest causes is not meeting each other's emotional needs (which, by the way, also includes sexual fulfillment). This happens basically in any marriage or long-term relationship, without exception, and it can be addressed in a variety of ways (total honesty, always keeping a channel of open communication, full trust in the other etc). Long-term partnerships last because the two parties know or learn how to cope with this very natural way relationships evolve - you become comfortable with each other, you take things for granted and forget how to meet the other's emotional needs. It is a 50%-50% thing, it's almost never just the fault of one party. Cheating is by far the worst decision one could take in a relationship - it is a very selfish act which most of the time ends up destroying the relationship (most marriages don't survive an affair).

I'm surprised your husband is still with you after your long-term affair, cheating twice with the same man etc. Perhaps you have a chance. Have you been totally honest with him after the discovery? I agree with Maia, I think you should tell him how you feel. Total honesty is a must if you want to have the slightest chance... trickle-truths and gaslighting destroy things faster once infidelity occurs!

The road to recovery is very long and difficult, do not expect miracles or overnight success. Let me know if you want those links.

nice_cheryl

Also, it would help if you could give us a very honest and more detailed timetable of events.

What about the two affairs you and your hubby had while dating, were they EA or PA affairs? How long did they last? I suspect they deeply affected your relationship. Who had the first of those two affairs, and why? How many years ago?

When did the PA start this year (January?), and how long did it last (6-7 months?). This begs the question - if sex was never a problem with your hubby, why did you start the PA in the first place, especially if he was around? Are you truly honest about it? How was sex with the other man, how often did you sleep with him? How was sex with your hubby during the affair?

How did the affair reach its conclusion? Simply because your husband found out about it? If not, who put an end to it, you or your lover?

This might hint to deeper problems, especially if you say you thought you were in love with the other man. Try to be truthful about your answers. They key to finding the real causes is to be honest to yourself about what happened, and especially why it happened. Once you find out, you can start the recovery process.

Shaggy

Marta, I doubt he is coming back. You knew how cheating makes a person feel in a dating relationship because it happen to you, but after being married? That's much much worse, on top of that it was with a guy he had already caught you with.

He very reasonably propabky now thinks you have been cheating with the OM for years.

Sorry babe, but you made selfish cruel decisions to cheat with this guy. It as cost you your husband, his love, your marriage, and your growing old with him.

Honestly, what you did is so very stupid, callous, and selfish your husband is going to be much better off without you.
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Initfortheduration

Sorry to hear your situation. Just don't beg or plead for him to stay. It may drive him further away. Tell him you want him to stay but you understand if he needs to leave. Remember as long as he is the house, you have a chance. Just drop the subject with him. It may blow over. It may not.

crossbar

problem is that if he's not willing to try, you can't make him. For a lot of people, a PA is a deal breaker. And you just broke that deal.

I would suggest that YOU go into individual counseling to figure out the real reason on why you did what you did. Then, if your husband is still around. Suggest Marriage counseling. If he doesn't want to do that then see if he'll go with you to one of you IC appointments.

sadcalifornian

In hindsight, you should realize that you carried on this EA for the whole 4 years by saying "hello" once in a while. Any A without complete NC afterwards is an A that never ended. If you hadn't maintained that minimal contact of "hello" during the 3-4 yrs, I highly doubt this full blown PA would've happened.

As for the present situation, there is not much you can do as the ball is in your H's side. You just do what you can do, which is to constantly show him of your remorse in whatever means possible and assuring him that you love him and this will never happen again. He may change his mind or he may not. This is not your call to make. You are at his mercy. But, you can make effort to raise your odds a little.

Remember, R takes a long time and a great deal of effort and "patience". Are you sure you are ready for it? If you falter already at this stage, you just may not be the kind to do R, even if he offers it. If R is truly what you want, don't falter. Just keep doing what you are supposed to be doing for him. Make yourself remorseful, open, loving and ready to take him back when he does come back.

Some may suggest giving him space, but I believe in sending txt msgs periodically with your thoughts of remorse and love. Also, make him aware that you are being good all this time by telling him what you are doing each day, so he wouldn't have a shred of doubt you are upto no good.

Good Luck !

Soccerfan73

That's a lot of poison to inject into your marriage. A ONS is one thing, but a guy buddy you've had flings with over a 4 year span is quite another. That would be tough to live with, just waiting for the 3rd fling to occur.

Best of luck.

marta

Thank you all for your replies. Nice-cheryl, I would very much like those links you suggested. Thank you!

Jellybeans

Marta....my question is: do you have feelings for the OM? Be honest. I ask because you sought him out twice...and the second time was after your husband told you there would be no second chance. Answer that honestly.
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Jellybeans

Oh and how long after the EA ended was it before you reconnected and had the PA with OM?
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