I really need some advice. I have been having an affair for about 4 months now. He is a good bit older then me, he is married as well and has kids. Let's just say we never intended for this to happen. We really enjoyed each other's company and he always made the effort to come around and see me. He called me and texted me and acted like he really wanted to be with me.
He has stated that he just wants to be friends now, that all of this has been bothering him. It has bothered me as well. We slept together once and I am in love with him. However I have never said anything about this to my husband. I know he deserves better.
I dont know if I should tell him for risk of hurting him further or just let sleeping dogs lie. I have a real difficult time having sex with my husband now because I slept with another man. I dont know how to explain why it's hard for me to sleep with him, but I know he is concerned and he doesnt know whats wrong. I really need help!! I dont know what to do. I am angry at myself for getting caught up in this and for still loving this other guy.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
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Re: Mistakes
You have made a grave mistake in your marriage and you are now paying the price in guilt and shame. First off, do you still love your husband? Are you willing to fight to save your marriage? At this point the best thing you can do is end all contact with TOM. Let me emphasize, ALL CONTACT. If you dont this will drag out the misery for you and keep you from improving your marriage. Looking from the outside this is what I see as a possibility. You were played. He got what he wanted now wants to walk away as friends and shirk his responsibility in the damage he has done. Now, is he worth hanging on to? As far as telling your husband, if it is unlikely he will find out near term, let it go for now and work on the marriage. Think about it again when you have a better handle on things and have TOM out of your system. When you can see things with a clearer eye, it would be a better time to ponder that move.
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I really dont know if I still love my husband. I have such confused feelings that it's hard for me to tell. I dont know how but I do know that I love this other guy. I do feel played, and I have asked him if thats what his intention was and of course he denied it.
He is 49 and I am 27 so I dont know if it was were I was younger or what. But I do feel like he is still a great guy, because he is. Maybe I have some issues with myself for actually seeing things the way that they really are. I just really enjoyed all the attention that he gave me.
I always had a crush on him and I guess the fact that he seemed interested just took me by storm. Now there is nothing. I am hurt and feel used.
My husband doesnt know whats going on but he knows something is up. I am hurting him tremondously and I dont know what to do about it. I cant pretend to feel things for him that just arent there right now. I am not going to contact this other guy because I think you are right. I am very miserable and it's what I deserve. Thanks for the advice.
I'm sure if you ask those who cheat on their spouses, that they "never intended for this to happen". In fact very few spouses wake up one day and say "I think I will cheat on my H/W and risk destroying my marriage". You have a "real difficult time sleeping with your husband" because you have bonded with the other cheater. If the sex dropped off suddenly your husband has probably already noticed. You need to take a hard look at your marriage and ask yourself some questions.
1. Am I mean and impatient with my husband more then normal? If you are it's because you are guilt ridden and looking to find fault with him to justify what you have done.
2. Do you think about him being unfaithful or are you having bad dreams? This is projection or transference. Because if a good and loving wife like you can cheat on your husband, your good and loving husband can cheat on you too.
3. Do I feel guilty about having sex with my husband because "I don't want to cheat on the man I love?" This last one is the weirdest of all. You don't want to be unfaithful to the cheater you are being unfaithful with.
The first two questions I believe are positive signs that you can actually save your marriage. IF you confess to your husband. Its amazing how shinning a light on an affair will change your view on the situation. If you don't confess you will most likely duplicate this situation with some other man (I personally believe he just wanted to have sex with you) to try and repeat the chemical high love affairs produce. If you want to save your marriage you will have to go through the crucible of seeing what your adulteress affair is going to do to the man you may still love. If you are left with only the last one. Get a divorce and let your husband find someone who loves him and won't stick a steak through his heart. This may seem harsh to you but if you are committed at all to your marriage working and ever restoring a loving relationship with your husband someone needs to slap you upside your cheating head.
In closing if you opt to leave your husband and can convince the adulterous man you are having an affair with to leave his wife, you will most likely end up cheating on each other. I would hope that you would come clean and work to restore your love and commitment. Why?
Because we all have a stake in each others marriages.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
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Re: Mistakes
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyblues7
I dont know how but I do know that I love this other guy. I do feel played, and I have asked him if thats what his intention was and of course he denied it.
He is 49 and I am 27 so I dont know if it was were I was younger or what. But I do feel like he is still a great guy, because he is. Maybe I have some issues with myself for actually seeing things the way that they really are. I just really enjoyed all the attention that he gave me.
You were definitely played. You may feel like you love him but what is he worth? He has a wife and kids and has an affair with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Once he slept with you he distanced himself. Do you think this is the first time? Do you think it will be the last??? Get this loser out of your life. Until you can do that you wont really be able to gage your feelings for your husband.
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Just one more thing. The title of your thread is called "mistakes". A mistake is when you turn down the wrong street or don't balance your checkbook accurately. And unless this man happened to be wearing a blindfold while walking around naked and priapismic (with an erection) and then just happened to trip and fall inside you because you just happened to be lying in front of him without panties on, with your legs spread, this was not a mistake. It was adultery. If you do not accept full responsibility for your actions there is no hope for you getting beyond this.
Honestly he didnt distance his self from me until here recently, it's been two months since we had sex. He was very loving after we had did that. I understand that I need to forget him to be able to understand how i feel about my husband.
I know this should have never happened. I am a very shy and reserved girl and I dont know what came over me. He was just so persuasive I guess and he seemed like he had all the answers.
And yes he said that he had done this once before but it had been years ago. He did tell me he loved me and that he had strong feelings for me but the reason he needed to slow things down was because he had even stronger feelings for his family and he felt horrible in the eyes of his kids.
Not sure why I feel the need to explain his actions. I do know why I think I wanted to cheat. My husband had been having a lot of online sex with other women and had engaged in getting pics of these women and texting them in a sexual manner. I really wasnt getting the attention that I guess I needed.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,460
Re: Mistakes
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyblues7
He did tell me he loved me and that he had strong feelings for me but the reason he needed to slow things down was because he had even stronger feelings for his family and he felt horrible in the eyes of his kids.
So he is still trying to keep you on the hook.
As for your husbands behavior it is unacceptable and should have been addressed in communication or counseling, not in vengeance.
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Get into I/C now! A marriage takes two. His online sex is not your fault. The affair is. You both need marriage counseling desperately. Even if you decide to get divorced you need to find out why you did it so you can get the tools you need to communicate in any future relationships so it does not happen again.
Good books. After the affair, women and infidelity, more then friends.
I agree with what you are saying amplexor. I have thought the same things, just needed I guess someone else to affirm that.
I think in making him seem like he is an alright guy it makes me feel like maybe I am not so bad either for doing what I have done. Thanks for all the advice.
He is 49 and I am 27 so I dont know if it was were I was younger or what. But I do feel like he is still a great guy, because he is. Maybe I have some issues with myself for actually seeing things the way that they really are. I just really enjoyed all the attention that he gave me.
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A great guy? No he is not a great guy. A great guy would not cheat on his wife and family.
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So great guys and great women are never tempted or cheat? I find that hard to believe. Peoples reasons for doing things aren't always seen. I would never judge someone because of one mistake.
Mistakes
