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Wife freaks at polygraph

53K views 258 replies 46 participants last post by  Maxo 
#1 ·
So I told my wife I've decided after all to go to Costa Rica and she was furious. She didn't mention abortion but immediately launched into a discussion about divorce. I said I really needed to get paternity tests done on the new baby and our second daughter. She scoffed at that but just wanted to make sure I'd be paying for it.

Then we got to distribution of assets. Her idea was that since there are 5 of us, I should get 1/5 and she the rest. I said no way: 50/50 and that's how it ended.

I've always had a problem with the timeline of her affair - it just sounds like a load of crap and recently I've been wondering if every time I was overseas, she's been having affairs so I said: "If you take and pass a polygraph to confirm your timeline and to confirm this has been your only affair, I'll agree to 1/5 for me and 4/5 for you."

She freaked at that and said no way and that she wouldn't be humiliated by taking a polygraph. She got angry and shut that idea down with "end of discussion." She refuses to take a polygraph.

How much should I be reading into that?
Am I wrong to assume that her reaction basically confirms either her timeline is a load of crap or she has had multiple affairs?
 
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#4 ·
Sounds like she has something to hide.
If she is as mercenary as you indicated in an earlier thread, then if she knew she would pass the polygraph, wouldn't she jump at the chance?

Alternatively, she may be so angry with you she will fight you every step of the way, including stonewalling
OR
You have really hurt her with your functionalist approach to all of this, based on your prior thread you too have your own issues and do not come across as very loving or supportive.

He affair was totally wrong, but you basically abandoned her and family while you went and worked elsewhere.
All I can say is that is that it seems you are in for a long hard ride. Good luck.
 
#12 ·
Sounds like she has something to hide.
If she is as mercenary as you indicated in an earlier thread, then if she knew she would pass the polygraph, wouldn't she jump at the chance?

Alternatively, she may be so angry with you she will fight you every step of the way, including stonewalling
OR
You have really hurt her with your functionalist approach to all of this, based on your prior thread you too have your own issues and do not come across as very loving or supportive.

He affair was totally wrong, but you basically abandoned her and family while you went and worked elsewhere.
All I can say is that is that it seems you are in for a long hard ride. Good luck.

I don't understand your take on this.

Many, many people all over the world are forced by our modern economy to work in countries far away from their spouses and children.

Are you saying that military personnel on deployment are abandoning their families? Are you saying that sailors and cruise-line workers are abandoning their families to make money to support them? Are you saying that offshore oil workers abandoning their families to stay on an oil rig for a month at a time?

Just because he is a teacher he is somehow not given the same consideration as other itinerant workers? I don't see any difference at all. Your argument and claims that he abandoned his wife and kids don't hold any water.

His wife should have appreciated his sacrifice and did what she could to hold down the home front when he was gone...instead of throwing her legs up for every handsome prick that came along. His wife is a promiscuous, loose woman. That is the cold truth.
 
#6 ·
I'd be leery of someone who wouldn't jump at a chance to prove themselves.

That said, I can also see how taking a polygraph (regardless of results) would be humiliating.

However, if this marriage is truly over (especially in her mind), then I can also see why she has no interest in bothering to prove something to you (or get busted, I suppose).

Offering her a larger split of the equity based on her passing a test doesn't necessarily mean she'll jump at that, either, even if she's "innocent". A lot of people would take that as having to jump through hoops (in this case for $$) or otherwise wh0ring ones self out for it.

What I find more disconcerting is that she's asking for 80%, particularly if she's the one most at fault for this divorce (infidelity). My ex wife also tried to get far more than she was entitled to, and she was the one who was at 100% fault for our divorce (also infidelity). And we had no kids, so it was entirely for her gain.
 
#8 ·
I googled wife refuses to take a polygraph and I got this TAM thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/50545-polygraph-take-not-take-2.html

The bottom line is that there is no certainty in anything except (maybe) paternity tests. Even if she passed, I'm not sure I'd believe the results. Her reaction to me asking her to take a polygraph was possibly telling but doesn't prove anything. The nature of affairs and how they tend to follow definite stages indicates she's lying about the timeline but maybe her affair was a statistical outlier. I'll never know the whole truth. I just blindly stumbled upon some texts.
 
#17 ·
No, you will never know the truth.

But her reaction does indicate that she is lying. Sure, she may have plenty of reasons to not want to take a polygraph, but if she's telling the truth about her time line, and it means more money, I don't think any of those reasons are good enough. She's already humiliated you and herself with an affair. And of course she's lying about the time line.

I would say her reaction to taking the polygraph says more than anything the actual polygraph would say.

She had to lie to you to have an affair. Of course she's willing to lie about the time line to try to make herself look less bad. I definitely would not give her one penny more than 50/50 under any circumstances unless a court orders it.
 
#80 ·
I agree. They are not accurate. But there is no way to prove that the result is a false negative or a false positive. So no way would agree to one.

Her refusing to do a polygraph test tells you exactly one thing.. that she refused to do a polygraph test. Anything else you think it means is nothing more than you making stuff up.
 
#14 ·
She's lying. Look at it this way:

Right now you are divorcing. No reconcile, right?

You told her she now gets 1/2.

You told her if she takes poly and passes poly, she gets 4/5.

She has NOTHING TO LOSE at this point by taking and passing (or failing) a poly, and much to gain. (That is an awful lot for you to lose, and her to gain however, should she pass a poly in error. DO NOT offer her that in any kind of contract or official negotiation. She could lie, pass a poly, you'd be screwed, and she'd be rewarded for being a cheating head case who wrongfully passed a poly).

Having said that, I also put zero stock into a poly (based on a decent amount of past experience both as an observer, as a poly subject, and due to discussions with poly examiners I worked with). I would never base a marital decision on the outcome of a poly. If it comes down to that, I am just done.

But, most honest people will jump at a chance to take a poly. Most guilty people will run from the poly. While that may give an indication of truth or deception, it is not always the case.

On my dday, my W asked offered a poly about an hour into the confrontation. And a couple times since. Beyond the first 30 minutes or so, I've seen NOTHING to indicate she has been untruthful or trickle truthed me. All of that put together, along with my evidence gathering before and after, leads me to the almost certainty she's being 100% forthcoming a this point.

Now, if I found more suspicions of lies, and she refused one if offered, then we'd be in a much different place right now.

I personally would never take a poly again unless I had nothing to lose by doing so.

The poly is a TOOL to be used to ASSIST in getting to the truth, but cannot be relied upon alone to tell you if you are getting the truth. As an example: Quite a few here have gotten parking lot confessions at the examiners office right before heading up for the poly. That is proper use of a polygraph...as a tool or threat to elicit a confession.
 
#18 ·
OP- do not make her any additional offers related to the division of assets.

See a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Let the lawyer advise you on offers related to the division of assets.

At this point in time- I would not pay for a polygraph as you have your answer.

I would pay for
1 Lawyer
2 Counselor
3 Paternity test
4 STD tests.
 
#19 ·
How much should I be reading into that?
Am I wrong to assume that her reaction basically confirms either her timeline is a load of crap or she has had multiple affairs?
Nope you're not wrong.

Now that you have sufficient evidence that she's had multiple affairs and/or continues about other details, what are you going to do about it?

Right now she holds all the cards, she cheated and she's the one playing the divorce card. Don't you think it's time to turn this thing around?
 
#20 ·
If I knew 100% that a poly could tell my husband the absolute truth without a speck of doubt, I’d strap myself to the chair and do it myself. But, I’m also wary of polygraphs. There’s a reason they aren’t admissible in court. If I am understanding correctly, a poly reads whether or not you are lying by increased heart rate, blood pressure, etc. I am fearful that I wouldn’t pass a poly asking if the sky was blue and I stated yes – strictly due to the fact that I have sometimes crippling anxiety. I can be asked a pretty standard question at times and completely freak out.

For instance, I run a non profit organization that gives free homecoming and prom dresses to girls who can’t afford them. A few weeks ago we were having a meeting at work and one of upper management asked if anyone knew of any non profits looking for donations that could be made from our parent company. My boss mentioned my non-profit. I cannot explain the WHY to you, because that is anxiety, but my heart started racing, my palms got sweaty, I got lightheaded. I felt like you do when you narrowly miss being in a car accident. That surge of anxiety and adrenaline. And that was AFTER 3mg of valium that I take every day.

I think I would be so nervous about falsely failing the poly that I would work myself into a state of panic so great I wouldn’t be able to even answer the BASELINE questions without freaking out.

So personally, I just don’t trust them. I don’t think I have the full story from my husband, but I doubt I’d ever suggest a poly. I just do not trust them enough.

But what I WOULD trust is the fact that she freaked out over it. As much as I really don’t LIKE them, if he wanted one – we could discuss it. But we have several police officer friends – some of whom are detectives. I’d been making sure he discussed with them at length how accurate they actually ARE.
 
#23 ·
This cat travels around having a good time teaching at exotic places while leaving his old lady back at the hut doing all the fun stuff like cleaning, cooking, and raising kids by her lonesome. If my wife left me with all the home responsibilities while she perennially sailed off for new and exciting adventures she'd likely discover I'd been spending time with about three of four of the neighborhood chicks. (pretending they were her of course)
Oh wait. I forgot. He doing this offshore teaching because he wants to "give back" to these underprivileged kids. I know that's the reason. His wife and kids should understand his willingness to sacrifice them for the "greater good". What would probably shock everyone, except me, is her answer to a polygraph question, "were you glad when the SOB boarded the plane?" :wink2: Refusal of the polygraph may be her way of getting him to ride off into the sunset so she can find someone who actually gives a shyt about his family.
 
#25 ·
This cat travels around having a good time teaching at exotic places while leaving his old lady back at the hut doing all the fun stuff like cleaning, cooking, and raising kids by her lonesome. If my wife left me with all the home responsibilities while she perennially sailed off for new and exciting adventures she'd likely discover I'd been spending time with about three of four of the neighborhood chicks. (pretending they were her of course)
Oh wait. I forgot. He doing this offshore teaching because he wants to "give back" to these underprivileged kids. I know that's the reasvon. His wife and kids should understand his willingness to sacrifice them for the "greater good". What would probably shock everyone, except me, is her answer to a polygraph question, "were you glad when the SOB boarded the plane?" :wink2: Refusal of the polygraph may be her way of getting him to ride off into the sunset so she can find someone who actually gives a shyt about his family.
She could accomplish this in a less complicated and more forthright manner by simply filing.
 
#30 ·
Theoretically,this is an oral offer for a contract which could be enforceable,if she can verify the offer and performs.
I say it could be enforceable if she performs as he would have to perjure himself to deny making the offer.
It may involve real estate or be over the dollar amount for enforceability pera Statute of Frauds,but those vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.
 
#32 ·
If I was him I'd risk a perjury charge, and say I was just being facetious/sarcastic/whatever. I wouldn't expect a court to hold him to such a ridiculous offer that could easily be explained away as said in anger.
 
#44 ·
What about just being somebody's married girlfriend whose "husband" puts his job above the her and the family needs. Its a win/win. He gets his dream job. She gets someone to spend quality time with and satisfy her needs. He's a pretend father and husband and she's a pretend wife.

If she was innocent she would of jumped at the chance to be awarded 80% of the split.
Come on. Everybody knows he's full of crap with that "deal" and probably told her that on April 1.
 
#45 ·
It's been tense here since I let her know I'm going to Costa Rica. She now sleeps in my daughters room so its going to be a long 3 months. I should have waited another month at least before telling her. I miss the physical contact. She has a perfect 4-months pregnant belly. I didn't help things any this morning before she left for work. I got up early just to remind her that I WOULD be paternity testing all our children and she just said "go ahead."

Thanks for all the opinions on her refusing to take the poly. It definitely confirms for me that her timeline is bull**** but I always knew it was. I tried to show her the replies I got here so she knows that the overwhelming consensus is that refusing to take the poly means she's lying about something and she didn't want to hear it and said I should let everyone know I'm an a$$hole and abused her and marrying me was the worst mistake of her life.

As far as my offer, it was genuine but bear in mind, all our assets are tied up in our house and that's about it. We aren't talking about a fortune. Its besides the point though because she just flat out refuses to be polygraphed. She also hasn't mentioned divorce anymore. My guess is that talking about divorce leads to a discussion on distribution of assets, which leads back to my polygraph offer.

Anyway, not a happy household at the moment.

Maybe tonight after work I'll ask her again to come with me to CR; she'll say no way but it might lighten the atmosphere.
 
#46 ·
So, OP, have you or your wife, decided on divorce or not? A polygraph has very little relevance , if either one of you have decided to exit the marriage. Paternity tests are far more important, in a situation such as this. It doesn't matter, legally whether she agrees to a poly or not, so why should she? You have two issues here. 1. Polygraphs are not admissible and 2. Adultery is not grounds for divorce in most states (I can't think of any, at the moment). So, the paternity test is your best bet for legal and financial reasons. As far as her timeline goes.....who cares? You already know she cheated, right?
 
#54 ·
Actually, paternity test may be of little value, as well. Of course it depends on the jurisdiction, but, I think in the large majority of jurisdictions, any child born during the marriage is considered the spouse's for the purposes of child support obligations, regardless of actual paternity.
Before investing in these tests, I would consult a family lawyer to find out if it makes a bit of difference as regards your financial obligation for child support as to who the biological father is.
In some states, it makes zero difference. In others, it may, but , often, there is a window of time in which to make the challenge, otherwise the opportunity to challenge expires.
But, I agree that once you have knowledge of cheating, one knows enough to divorce and a poly seems of limited value unless quantity and time frames are important to one's decision re willingness to consider reconciling.
 
#47 ·
Think of it this way. If she doesn't take a poly, then her reputation is intact and she doesn't have to confirm or deny anything. Legally , she will look good. She agrees to paternity tests.....why?.. because she already knows that you are the father, possibly because she and her AP used precautions. Again, she comes off looking good. So, in any kind of divorce hearing, she looks like a pregnant version of Mother Theresa, how can she go wrong?
 
#48 ·
@Rookie4
So, OP, have you or your wife, decided on divorce or not? A polygraph has very little relevance , if either one of you have decided to exit the marriage. Paternity tests are far more important, in a situation such as this. It doesn't matter, legally whether she agrees to a poly or not, so why should she? You have two issues here. 1. Polygraphs are not admissible and 2. Adultery is not grounds for divorce in most states (I can't think of any, at the moment). So, the paternity test is your best bet for legal and financial reasons. As far as her timeline goes.....who cares? You already know she cheated, right?
She mentioned divorce; I don't know if I want to divorce or not. I think I'd rather wait and see how things play out at least until January, 2017. That would give me a full semester working in CR and by then I'll know if it's really the paradise I hear it is and if I'm a good fit for that school. It wouldn't be the first time I went to a good school in a great place only to find it wasn't really for me. I'd rather wait on divorce and since I mentioned the poly, she hasn't brought it up again. But you are correct on all counts: Indiana is a no fault state, the polygraph is irrelevant and the paternity test is really what matters. I just would love to get a few questions answered.

She agrees to paternity tests.....why?.. because she already knows that you are the father, possibly because she and her AP used precautions.
NO! Her and the AP DID NOT take precautions, had unprotected sex and even had a pregnancy scare. With me, she insisted on condoms but unprotected sex with the AP was just fine. That's why after I discovered the affair, I insisted on not using condoms. I know that was stupid, I wish I can undo that, but it is the truth. I just couldn't get over the fact that she had unprotected sex with her AP but insist that her husband use condoms. But yes, insisting that we have unprotected sex has really messed things up and that's 100% on me; much as I love babies, I wish she hadn't gotten pregnant.

BTW: unprotected sex wasn't the only thing she did with her AP that she wouldn't do with me!
 
#65 ·
@Rookie4


She mentioned divorce; I don't know if I want to divorce or not. I think I'd rather wait and see how things play out at least until January, 2017. That would give me a full semester working in CR and by then I'll know if it's really the paradise I hear it is and if I'm a good fit for that school. It wouldn't be the first time I went to a good school in a great place only to find it wasn't really for me. I'd rather wait on divorce and since I mentioned the poly, she hasn't brought it up again. But you are correct on all counts: Indiana is a no fault state, the polygraph is irrelevant and the paternity test is really what matters. I just would love to get a few questions answered.



NO! Her and the AP DID NOT take precautions, had unprotected sex and even had a pregnancy scare. With me, she insisted on condoms but unprotected sex with the AP was just fine. That's why after I discovered the affair, I insisted on not using condoms. I know that was stupid, I wish I can undo that, but it is the truth. I just couldn't get over the fact that she had unprotected sex with her AP but insist that her husband use condoms. But yes, insisting that we have unprotected sex has really messed things up and that's 100% on me; much as I love babies, I wish she hadn't gotten pregnant.

BTW: unprotected sex wasn't the only thing she did with her AP that she wouldn't do with me!
You know for a fact that she and AP had unprotected sex? And how do you know this? Because SHE told you. and you believed her? How else would you know? It amazes me at how selective BS's are in what to believe from their cheating spouses and what not to believe. In my case, every time my wife opened her mouth and sound came out, I assumed it was a lie, and acted accordingly. But you do what you want.
 
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